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The fat Lady and her broken seat belt

The seatbelt in my car had been broken for a while. I could still use it but it was highly uncomfortable, it pinned me down in the seat, didn't give me any room to move forward.

Right, when I was going to mention it to my husband, we rented a van for a furniture transport, and sure enough, that seatbelt was broken too. It's like an evil fairy had only cursed the side of the vehicle I was sitting on. Everything worked fine on my husband's side, but not on mine. Just like in my car, I was tied down. Another evil seatbelt didn't give me any room to maneuver.

I didn't talk about it, didn't dare to look it up either. Deep down I knew my size was the reason for the BROKEN seatbelt. I was too big, and every time I buckled up, I stretched the belt to its maximum. I bought a seatbelt extension. Surely, I wouldn't need it, but I wanted to try it just in case.

That was about five years ago.

The extension fixed the problem, and it allowed me to be comfortable again. I didn't like it, never really told anybody about it. I accepted it like I accepted everything else in my fat life. Something had to give, and it was my pride. Being fat is not easy! Now I know it's harder than losing weight...much harder.

Last weekend I cleaned out my car, vacuumed the inside and gave it some shine on the outside. Spring fever is going around, and I got infected. I tested my "broken" seatbelt without the extension and wasn't surprised to find out it works just fine. It had never been broken, perhaps I had been?

I took the seatbelt extender off, did it as quietly as I had been putting it in.  I suppose there are some things we just don't talk about. Once again the diet fairy had sprinkled some fairy dust on me. I feel like I have just won a special award.

This is more than just another milestone. It's a statement. Slowly I am saying Goodbye-bye to my fat life. While I am still overweight (and fat), I am changing and so is the life around me. 

In my first instinct, I wanted to throw the seat belt extension away, but it didn't seem right. Out of sight, out of mind could work against me. I should keep it in my glove box, just in case but it didn't seem right either.

In the evening I couldn't stop thinking about it. Instead of hiding the seatbelt extension, why don't I display it and hang it right beside my treadmill to look at, in the moments when I will -again- doubt myself.

A shadow box showcasing a seatbelt extension, and perhaps a few fast food coupons, as a reminder of my morbidly obese life. I liked the idea so much, the shadowbox is already ordered and should arrive in our home next week.

Now I can't wait to create my new wall decor. As for the seatbelt extension, I hope it will stay forever in the box. May I never have to use it again, please.

89 lbs lost - Only 51 lbs to go. 

No weight change last week. The big "9" is playing hard to get. 

Darling, this weekend I will cheat on you!

"Darling, you are so good to me. You make me happy, I have never felt better. However, this weekend I will cheat on you. I don't know how to tell you this, but you don't satisfy me. I know it's wrong and I know it's not good for me, but deep down I have an intense desire, a sick yearning that I cannot explain. I have to cheat on you for a day or two, then I will be back and will be faithful -until I will feel the need to cheat again."

This made-up conversation plays in my head, each and every time I read about cheating days. I cannot help it, sometimes my imagination runs wild and in this case, it works to my advantage.

Will I need cheating days? I wondered, and at first, it seemed like I did. There had to be an award in sight, or any kind of lifestyle change wouldn't work for me. After days of eating healthy, I deserved to live a little.

But then I looked further down the road. Is this the lifestyle I want for the rest of my life? Back and forth between a healthy lifestyle and cheating days? Deep down I knew it wouldn't work for me. Cheating and guilt, that's a package deal I suppose. I needed to take the negativity out of my journey. I had to stop beating myself up over WRONG food choices.

I have spent 10 years of my life feeling guilty, every time I ate something that I thought I should not have. I have spent over a decade going upward in weight and guilt at the same time. I have beaten myself up after my chocolate mishaps.  

I decided there is no wrong food and knowing that I can have it all - besides gluten - works for me.

"Darling, you are so good to me and you make me happy-I have never felt better but we do have a problem. You don't satisfy me and I think we need to sit down and find a way to change this. Let's pep things up a bit, so none of us will ever be tempted to cheat."

That's how the conversation should go if we feel unsatisfied - in real life and in my made-up conversation.

Finding a way to feel happy and fulfilled with the way I eat, that is the key for me. 

I have days when I eat differently. Days when I eat (and drink) more than usual due to circumstances I do not want to change. Our ladies night out, birthdays and anniversaries, Holidays and celebrations. Special days with my husband, family and friends and of course, the weekends when the kids come to visit us. How can I not cook their favorite meals and enjoy some of it myself?

Has it slowed my weight loss down? Yes, it has but I am still going down. In a few years, nobody will ask me how I got there or how long it took me.

I log everything faithfully. The wine and the Margaritas, the take-out food, even the chocolate. I guess the number of calories when I eat mystery lunches or dinners in restaurants. If I can't log in on my PC, I add it up in my head.

It took me hours to add all my favorite recipes and meals here on MFP but I did it. It was eyeopening, some of our favorite dishes were calorie bombs, while others were surprisingly healthy, to begin with. Knowledge is the key!

"Darling, I am happy with you and yes, I am satisfied."

There you go... problem solved and now THEY will live happily ever after -and beyond.

88.5 Lbs lost - Only 51.5 Lbs to go!   

_______________________________________________________ 

It seems MFP has a glitch since last week. Posts in my news feed disappeared and so did comments on my blog. Many of us who use Google Chrome could not log in at all -I was one of them- and I had problems with my food diary. I changed my weigh-in to Monday in the hope everything would work again and it does. High Five MFP!  

I am sorry!

Today I got a friend request, and I declined, even though the lady was nice enough to respect my wishes and introduced herself to me. 

I read everything she wrote and felt excited. She was me, I was her. Two fat ladies on a mission who were supposed to be friends -so it seemed. Then she mentioned her upcoming lap-band surgery, and before I knew what hit me, I declined her friend request.  

"How dare she compare herself to me, when I am doing it the hard way," was my first reaction, and now I feel ashamed. How dare I judge others who look for an easier way out, when I once thought about it myself? 

How dare I think I am doing it the "hard" way, when agreeing to an invasive surgery can't be that easy either?

Friendships here at MFP are the same as they are in real life. Some of us match, other's don't. I am not everybody's Darlin -far from it- and neither are others. One lady here called me selfish and self-centered, after I unfriended her (what a word) and she is right. I concentrate on myself now -will do so until I reach my goal weight.

Sometimes I wish there would be a May-I-not-like-you-button, asking for permission to avoid a person, just because I am human. I am simple and complicated, I am likable, moody and unpredictable. I am me and can't help it.

I wish the introductions, that come with a friend request, would stay in an archive and not just disappear. I don't even recall the ladies name, can't contact her and tell her how sorry I am. 

I should not have declined her friend request, just because she opted to have medical help on her weight loss journey. We all try to better ourselves, we are here to be healthier, and weight loss is just one step to better health. 

Lady, if you read this, please know I wasn't judging you. I was trying to protect my vulnerable, little self. I am not where I need to be. I am still getting around with training wheels, and try to avoid the bumps in the road which could throw me off so easily. There is still so much to learn. 

Just like the Titanic hit only the tip of the iceberg, so did I just see a small part of my problem. I overate and gained weight for a reason and finding the reason -and with it a solution- that's my #1 goal. 

Lady, I wish you good luck on your journey and I hope you will find a way to a healthier and ultimately happier life. You do what works for you -as I do what seems to work for me. 

Still, 87 lbs lost I suppose - Only 53 lbs. to go!

Weigh-in is on Thursday! Now I have to find the diet fairy, I think she is mad at me!

 

No Man's Land

No Man's Land = Land that is unoccupied or is under dispute between parties that leave it unoccupied due to fear or uncertainty.

I feel like I am sitting between two chairs. I started here at MFP 15 months ago, and I love my new life. However, there are still moments when I feel like a lost puppy.  I am “in between” and think about how life used to be and sadly, there are still moments when I get the urge to overeat for days. It never lasts long, and I can shake it off, but it happens.

The first weeks and month  were filled with celebrations. Everybody was proud of me. I felt like a circus pony and let’s be honest, the attention felt good. “How many pounds have you lost,” “Are you still losing weight?” and “I am so proud of you,” were comments and questions I heard all day long and I was so willing to talk about my accomplishment; I was so willing to share.

Then, after a few months, people got used to it and stopped talking about me and my new lifestyle. (Hello…how come you don’t talk about me anymore?) The fact that I am changing my life is no longer interesting, they moved on to better subjects. (How dare they?)

Land that’s under disputeyep, that is how I feel. Like I am walking around in a maze, and I am not sure who is going to claim me! Fat or not fat- on what side will I end up for good?

I like being a LOSER, and I don’t want to go back to the old me; I must not have liked it at the end, or I wouldn’t be here! But going further in the opposite direction is a little bit scary. I am walking into a new beginning, and at times it’s confusing. It feels good, but also feels surreal!

Due to fear or uncertainty, -I know where I want to belong, and I will do everything I can to keep on marching in the right direction. I will not lose my focus, even when I walk in circles now and then!

I am fearful of giving up. I am on a journey to a healthier life for over a year and the amount of people who have given up in that time is phenomenal. It scares me so much, and perhaps that's a good thing. 

I think sometimes we have to cross No-man’s-land in our lives. It’s an obstacle on our way when we decide to follow our dreams and our missions. I assume I might be spending a few more months in No man’s land until one side will claim me. 

Victoria II. was in a good mood today! 

87 lbs lost - Only 53 lbs to go!

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