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Hold your horses!

Someone left a comment on my blog, stating that all fat people are unhappy and it made me frown a bit. If all fat people are unhappy, does that mean all skinny people are happy? I don't think so. 

I was a happy fat woman, still am, both, fat and happy. I have imperfect perfect children, a wonderful husband who knows how to push my buttons, dogs who obey when they feel like it and a job and friends that can drive me insane. 

I like the woman I am becoming. That's the one thing I love about aging, all of a sudden you start to see the big picture. If you meet me, you won't be able to tell how much my weight is bothering me. Of course, you will notice my weight but, if you are able to look deeper, and if you are able to look with your heart, you might like me or even find me interesting.

I have a great life. I have a good sense of humor and can laugh so hard I will make you cry. I even kept some common sense, when the world around me seemed to have lost it. No, I am not unhappy....still, I overate and gained weight and then some. Why?

I might never have all the answers; I can only guess. I became a wife, a mom, an employee, a boss, a friend, a volunteer, a neighbor and so many other things. I split myself in half to fulfill everybody's needs and pushed my own needs aside. Nobody asked me to do that. I did that because I thought I had to.  I am a woman and like most of us, I was raised to be superwoman.

Listening and caring for others can be exhausting, to the point that I didn't want to talk about myself anymore. From that moment on I used food as a shield. I could hide behind it, take a break and forget the world. For the short amount of time it took me to eat a dozen of donuts, or two Chinese lunches, I didn't have to worry about anything else around me. I ate mindlessly and used food like others use religion, it was my go-to place in every aspect of my life.

Of course, my weight frustrated me; it took my breath away -literally. I felt sad when I couldn't get up from the floor without holding onto something, and I hated the tunics and tents that I wore, which made me look even bigger. I cried invisible tears when I saw my reflection in the mirror. Short and sweet, I hated the way the weight made me feel and look.

But just like rain or an occasional thunderstorm, these feelings of darkness never lingered for too long. The dark clouds disappeared and I felt happy again. 

Being unhappy with my weight doesn't mean I am unhappy as a person. I felt frustrated, guilty, and hopeless -but only about my weight. Me, as a person? I am unstoppable, full of plans and dreams and mostly in a good mood.

I look forward to the future and I am certain I will find something else to hate about the way I look.  Perhaps in a year or so I will complain about sagging skin and about "the girls," who by then, might dangle around my knees.

Weight loss will make me healthier, prettier, more attractive, perhaps even sexy...but it won't make me happier.  That's not possible!

Thanksgiving went well and today I couldn't wait any longer and I just had to step on the scale. Victoria II gave me thumbs up. Nothing gained - nothing lost. Hold your horses I am maintaining.

75 lbs lost - Only 65 more to go

Bring it on Holiday Season, bring it on!

The fat lady in maintenance mode

"Thanksgiving is just one day," someone wrote, and I didn't leave a comment, just grabbed my keyboard and tiptoed away.

Yes, I suppose that might be true, but not in our family. We are Holiday-crazy and Thanksgiving is the official start of the Holiday Season. The kids will come to town with their partners, friends will join us, and I will spoil them all rotten.

Turkey and glazed ham, stuffing, and eggnog. Every year, starting with Thanksgiving, our family falls into a food frenzy and while we are at it, we feed others as well. Planning meals, cooking and baking, that's part of my job description, and I take it seriously. The kitchen is my domain; I am the queen of my castle.

I love the Holidays and all the food that is associated with it -including the dreadful fruitcake. Old recipes and new creations, a mix of traditions that I don't want to miss for the world. There are office parties and neighborhood get-togethers, progressive dinners and charity events, cookie exchanges and Christmas celebrations. This is the busiest time of the year, all part of our wonderful life.

My family doesn't have a weight problem, neither do my friends. I am the only one who has been out of order for years.The world doesn't stop spinning just because I feel a little dizzy; it's up to me to adapt.  I can't expect everybody around me to adjust to my needs; I have to find a way to fit in.My new lifestyle will be up for a test and it will be the first of many to come. 

So I made a decision. I will go into maintenance mode from Thanksgiving to the 2nd of January. My goal is not to gain more than 3 pounds. "The fat lady is trying to maintain her weight," who would have thought?

But then if you think about it, why not? In about a year -give or take- I should reach my goal weight. From that moment on -for the rest of my hopefully long life- I will have to find a way to maintain my weight.  If I can't do it for six weeks, what makes me think I will ever be able to succeed?

To maintain -  To preserve -To protect -To guard

Powerful, important words.

I will enjoy this Holiday season like I always do and I believe I will be fine. I am not the mindless eater anymore; I have found a food awareness that will help me to stay within my limit. 

I will continue to log my food -even the mystery meals and secret recipes and I will weigh in once a week. There will be no guilt and no negativity. This is a learning process -I am here to learn. 

For six weeks I will not try to lose weight but will work to hold my weight loss and my weight steady. My decision leaves me with mixed emotions. I am a bit scared, curious, hopeful, determined, and insecure-the whole nine yard -up and down the rollercoaster. Perhaps that's a good thing. I will keep me on my toes.  

I am excited. Happy Thanksgiving!

75 lbs lost- only 65 lbs to go!

Dear Food Network!

Nobody made me fat -I did that beautifully all by myself. And while I do not look for excuses, I will blame you, dear Food Network, for at least 30 pounds which I am carrying on my hips, thighs, belly, and all the other good places I don't want to talk about. Love handles lined up like birds on a wire.

Like so many of us, I love to plan meals, and I love to cook. Spoiling my family and friends is part of who I am. Cooking is my way out after a long day at work. I can leave my frustrations on the cutting board and chop of heads of carrots and other willing victims.

And then you came along. A TV station just for cooking and food -how brilliant! I watched your shows and got so many wonderful ideas from them. Some of the chefs are great and are fun to watch. Competitive cooking! Who would have thought that could be a "thing."

There are fakers and bakers, cooks and cons, master chefs and their apprentices. From the worst cook to the best, they all show us how it's done and the calories are thrown into the pots and pans left and right. Half a pound of butter or a pint of heavy cream, the gloves are off when it comes to the preparation of delicious meals.

The only thing that matter seems to be the taste, and that's where you are WRONG.

Dear Food Network, I am not sure if you have noticed, but I have news for you. Most of the American people are overweight and need to live a different lifestyle, many have health issues. Some call it diet, I prefer to call it food awareness, but regardless of what we name it, the goal is the same -we try to get our weight into a healthy range to have a better and, hopefully, longer life.

We have to watch out what we eat -but we still want to eat well. What good is comfort food if it doesn't give us any comfort, but leaves us feeling guilty?

Finding the right ingredients to create lighter versions of the dishes we love so dearly, that seems to be the real challenge for the most of us, and we could use some help. 

So, if you don't mind me asking, why aren't there cooking shows and competitions showcasing healthier meals with fewer calories? Give cooks in your shows a maximum amount of calories that they can use for their meals and crown the master who is going up in taste, but down in calories. 

Why don't you do that? Is that because you think healthy food doesn't taste or look good. Again, I have news for you, that's not true. I am losing weight cooking great meals that are fun to look at and they taste good. 

Many of the meals I prepare require advance planning and preparation, and I am OK with that, realizing that it is an investment in my family's health and well-being.

Perhaps, it might be harder to cook a good meal if you have dietary restrictions, but hey, if I can do it, then all your chefs should be able to handle the challenge as well. 

And in case if they need help, motivation, or ideas, well you know how to reach me.

Just thinking


The Fat Lady


Victoria II was in a good mood today - 74 lbs lost only 66 lbs to go

Life is fabulous!


The Fat lady at the golf course

I want to be able to walk outside with our dogs, but the thought terrifies me. I haven't made much progress. It only takes a few minutes on the treadmill and I am huffing and puffing like an old steam locomotive, and I have to take breaks to catch my breath. "What if my leg will act up?" "What if I need to sit down and there is no bench?" 

A lot of WHAT IF'S come to my mind and I picture myself in the park, lying helpless on my back, like a turtle, waiting for someone to come by to roll me over. I have a vivid imagination, and it's not working to my advantage right now.

My best friend has listened to my complaints now for a while. Every time she comes by, I whine and lament and she listens patiently. In the future I want to go hiking with her, that's the goal but I am far from it.

"Let's go to the golf club," my skinny best friend said, and I just gave her THE LOOK.

"The last time I checked golfers have money?" I said and I couldn't help but laugh. I didn't even know my friend played golf. Turns out, she doesn't, but her boss lives in a community with a golf course, and he had told her she could get a pass anytime she wanted.

The idea of us playing golf sounded insane but then she explained her plan, and I felt excited.

The next morning we bundled up and drove to the golf course. The parking lot was almost empty; it was way too early and way too cold. We checked in, got a golf cart and drove away from the clubhouse. Her idea was to use the golf cart as a moving bench. I would walk, while she would drive beside me and whenever I needed a break, we would switch until I was ready to walk again.

It was one of the best ideas my friend ever had. At first I was skeptical; I walked right beside the cart, then, later on, I strolled away. I walked slowly, then a bit faster. I sat down when I needed to, drove a bit and walked again. Knowing that she was there, gave me all the confidence I needed.

It wasn't about time or distance, it wasn't about speed; it was about the joy of walking outside. We spent quality time together, talked about everything that came to our mind; we laughed a lot and came up with all kind of fun exercise plans for the future. I noticed for the first time that she had suffered under my weight as well. 

By the end of the day I had spent a couple of hours outside, and it had felt good. The idea to go for a walk with a golf cart was brilliant. It's far from perfect, but it’s a start.

Getting back in shape is so far the biggest challenge for me. I didn't expect it to be that hard, but then, if you think about it, why should it be easy? If we want something bad enough, then we will find a way and fight for it, if not, then we will find excuses why we can't do it.

I want this, and I want it bad enough to walk along beside a golf cart. 

72 lbs lost - 68 pounds to go!

Slowly but steady – Life is good!

In his Eyes

I often wonder why my husband never said anything about my weight gain. I doubled in weight and size over the years. Of course, he noticed so why didn't he say anything?

The other night I watched him doze off. He looked tired - work had been crazy lately, and a lot had been going on in our private life as well. My friend, my partner, my lover is getting old right beside me. His beautiful face shows some deep lines now, his hair is getting thinner, and there is hardly any pepper left in his once salt-and-pepper hair.

The next day I watched him goof around with our dogs outside, and before I knew it, he was back. The years fell off him and the young man I fell in love with so many years ago, stood right there in our yard; I couldn't help but wonder if he looks at me the same way.

How can he still love me and be attracted to me, when I find myself so unattractive on the outside. Perhaps that special kind of love comes with superpowers that allow us to look deeper. Just as I can still see the young, handsome man in him, he might still see the younger, thinner and more attractive version of me shining through.

In my eyes, my husband is the most handsome man on this planet and nothing, no weight, no wrinkles or declining hairline will ever change that. If he feels the same about me, then that's the reason he never said anything about my size. It's a simple as that.

Recently, I see a new sparkle in my husband's eyes when he looks at me. I can tell he is proud of me and that is my biggest motivation. I started this journey for me -but I am doing it for him -for us- as well.

My husband never asked me about my weight, and I will be forever grateful for his kindness. Maybe one day in a far away future, we will sit in our rockers on the front porch, and then I will talk about the 300+ pounds I once carried around -or perhaps it never will come up, because other things in our life together have been important.

Sometimes, I wish people would have mentioned my weight gain as much as they mention my weight loss now. But that would have been rude and hurtful. To change my lifestyle was up to me in the end and I am glad I am doing it without any pressure from the people around me.

Knowing that I am loved no matter what helps! 

71 pounds lost - Only 69 more to go!

Still going down, even with more calories! :-)

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