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Only 99 pounds to go

At first, when I signed up here, I was overwhelmed when I typed in the number of pounds I wanted to lose. Over 100 pounds- 140 lbs to be exact. That's a number that weighs heavy, not just on the scale, but also on one's shoulders. 140 pounds, that's the weight of an adult person. 

"Think small," they said, "Baby steps! Set small goals," and I understood. I made a contract with myself; give myself a reward for every 10 pounds I lose and I clap my hands like a little girl when I get another one.

Looking at the "big" picture, that's just too scary. It's like standing on foot of a mountain. You look up and you try to see the peak. You wonder how long it will take to reach it, you question if it's even worth the effort. 

I didn't weigh in last week, and when I stepped on the scale this week, it showed a nice loss. I have lost 41 lbs so far and later on that day it hit me. I am not in the three digits anymore. I ONLY have 99 pounds to go, and I couldn't help but smile.

I can almost see people's faces when they will be reading this. "This fat lady has lost her marbles," they might say, and they will shake their heads in disbelieve. And I get it. How can anybody in the right state of mind feel joy, when they know they still have 99 pounds to lose?

Well, I do. I do feel joy and happiness. Only 99 pounds left!

"Anybody looking for MFP friends with 100+ pounds to lose? Sorry, can't help you there. I don't fit into this category anymore."  That's a joke, of course. I am still one of you, but I have to admit, typing it felt good, and it gave me the giggles.

Many of my friends here cheer for me as much as I cheer for them, and their success motivates me to stay focused. I call them my "hardcore friends." They are on my side every day no matter what. They are serious about being here -just like I am. Others are not so happy with me lately. I didn't understand why at first and then it dawned on me. Could it be that they feel discouraged by my success? Could it be that my weight loss is upsetting them because they chose to sabotage themselves over and over - on an almost daily base?

Oh, how well I know that feeling; I have been there myself numerous times. How upsetting was it when my best friend lost weight, and I didn't. How frustrating was it to watch my coworkers get slim when I gained weight instead. The weight loss of others frustrated me for a very long time. They could do something that I wanted so badly for myself.

Only 99 more pounds to go and I feel unstoppable.

I am not standing on foot of the mountain anymore; I started climbing and even so it will be a long way until I will reach the peak, I know I am on my way, and I will make it. A few bruises here and there, a lot of huffing and puffing, even some swear words now and then, but I will reach the top sooner or later.

If I can do it, so can you -so can anybody. I am -or have been- the weakest person out there. 

Tadah! 41 lbs. lost - Only 99 more to go!

Bye Buddy

We had to say goodbye to our oldest dog last week and even though I knew it was coming, it hit me hard. 

Losing a four-legged family member hurts. That night we had a few drinks, celebrated our dog's long life; we laughed and cried when we shared our special moments. 

The next day I spent in hibernation, that's what I do when I feel hurt. I draw back from everything; close the curtains and dim the light and feel sorry for myself. During the hibernation process, I normally enjoy unhealthy food and beverages. One can not hibernate and grieve with water, carrot sticks and celery -at least not in my opinion.

I sat there in my misery and took a trip back on memory lane. I thought about our walks with the dogs and about the time when I trained them. They were a handful when we got them. Rescue dogs with no manners, they didn't know how to behave. I ran and played with them, even taught them to run beside me when I rode the bike. 

Only 12 years ago I was in good shape, could do all those things. Today I can hardly walk, and I make funny, loud breezing noises when I move too fast. Things sure have changed. 

I stayed in hibernation for a day but didn't overeat. I had a few glasses of wine in the evening, but I didn't fall into the ice cream bucket and I didn't eat a mountain of cookies and sweets. I didn't eat much at all -what is unheard of. 

On Saturday we drove around in the neighborhood. The weather was perfect for our annual community garage sale. We bought a few things that we didn't know we needed, and our way home we stopped at a neighbors house. 

My husband looked at some tools and I studied the exercise equipment. My neighbor is close to my age, and she is good shape. I stepped on an expensive looking elliptic trainer and started pedaling. It took 1 minute and 15 seconds before I started huffing and puffing and I had to stop. 

Many of my friends here on MFP use the elliptical machine every day for 20, 30, 40 and even 60 minutes and I manage to use it for 1 minute and 15 seconds. 

Pretty pathetic isn't it? Well, I bought the fancy elliptical trainer. It's now in our garage waiting for the moment when I will be cleared to work out -what should be soon. 

We still have two dogs at home. One is older as well, she loves to nap, but the young one, that's the one I am cheating out of a lot. We adopted her last year when she was a few weeks old. 

I have never been on a walk with her. She is a backyard dog and played with Buddy most of the time. Sometimes I drive down to the lake and I let her run, but that's all we do.

Now I have the equipment to get me back into shape. I owe it to myself and to the dogs. 

By the end of the summer, I want to be able to go for a long walk with the dogs. By the end of the summer, I want to be able to play with the dogs outside.

I miss my Buddy and I know the dogs do too. He was part of our family. I feel sad of course but also grateful that he was with us.

I don't want our animals to suffer under my weight.  I need to push myself harder. 

 8-16-2015 004 - Copy

 


My last big summer?

I don't like summer, can't stand the warm weather and all the outdoor activities. I love autumn and winter. The colder months are perfect for big people like me. Then I can hide my body under layers of cloth. In the summer time that's not possible, that's when the truth comes out -so to speak. 

Finally, it's warm outside, the temperatures are in the high 80's, and everybody around me is in a good mood. Summer is just around the corner.

Shorts and tank tops, sandals and flip flops. They look beautiful on other people but not on me. I am a sweaty mess during the warm months and being in full blown menopause is not helping either. The slightest movement will make me break out in sweat, and I walk through the day like a total mess. Rashes, rubbing thighs and baby powder, all the things we don't like to talk about. 

I admire people who can wear all the beautiful cloth, the ones that you can only find in regular sizes. I still remember. Breezy summer skirts and shorts, t-shirts and tank tops, bathing suits and bikinis. All of it is so far out of reach for me.

I have shorts in my closet, and I avoid wearing them. I look ridiculous, and I know it. Even when I was in total denial about my size and weight, I knew that some things just look hideous on me. I see the looks people give me; I am aware of my surroundings, and I see my reflection in the mirror. 

Last night I went through my closet, looked at all the clothes in the very back that I haven't worn in years. 

And then it hit me. This could be the last fat summer for me. I couldn't help but chuckle when I realized it. I tried a pair of flip flops on, sat on my bed and stared at my feet and felt like a five-year-old girl who had just gotten a pair of glass slippers.

I wiggled my toes and started giggling even more. Next year I will be able to see them when I am standing up. That's only one of the goals. My 2X clothes are loose now, and soon I will tackle the forgotten 1X treasures that I couldn't wear for many years. 

This has to be my last big summer, I want this so bad. There is no turning back now. I am too far in my journey but then I watch people slipping away and I get scared. 

I will try and wear my "big" summer clothes with pride this year. Let the world see me, even if I will be a sweaty mess because this older lady here is on a mission. 

They can talk behind my back and stare at me because next year they will look at me in admiration and they will say. "Look, that's the fat lady from the corner. Man, she has lost some weight."

"Sum...sum...summertime" bring it on; I am ready and this year I will even take some pictures, so I will never forget about it. 

37 pounds lost, so close to 40. 

 

 

 

Gamble wisely

Tonight is our Ladies night out. We will meet at a nearby casino with an all-you-can-eat buffet that is extraordinary. I know, because I have eaten and overeaten there many times.

I have juggled numerous plates back and forth, all of them with piles of food. All-you-can-eat was not just an offer, for me it was more like an order. I had to eat as much as I could; there was just no way around it. After all, I pay for it, I want my money's worth. 

We are a fun group of middle-aged ladies. We meet at the casino twice or three times a year. Some of us like to gamble, me not so much. I work hard for my money. I don't see the point in giving it away. I aways have a fixed amount that I am willing to spend, and I never go overboard. I play penny slots, a few card games but when I hit my limit, I walk away and enjoy watching others win or lose their money. 

Interesting, how I can control myself with money but not with food. I read "All-you-can-eat, " and I take it as a command, I obey without any question. All-you-can-eat means eating until you feel miserable and then you go and get at least one dessert. I am not making it up, that's what I did for years and it shows. 

Money or food; isn't it the same principle. I have a certain amount of calories a day to gamble with. I can spend it all on one meal, or I can spread it out. The point is to know my limit and when to walk away.

I just planned my day -like I always do. I had coffee and a small breakfast in the morning before work and fruits on my way home. I have a nice amount of calories left to gamble with. Ladies night out –there will be alcohol involved, at least a glass of wine or perhaps two -what is realistic because I don't have to drive. 

I know the casino's buffet by heart; it’ an endless calorie trap full of food and temptations. I could have a mixed green salad and a steak, or perhaps fish and vegetables or two pounds of my beloved snow crab legs with a little bit of butter.

Whatever I will do, "All-you-can-eat" is not a command -not anymore. I am done jumping whenever food calls my name. 

Sorry casino, take my picture of the wall; I am not the nation's greatest overeater anymore!

I have lost 34.9 lbs so far and I am going to have a ball tonight. 

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