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Chasing Silver Linings

I Think I Hate My Eyes 

Hmmm...Yes. I definitely do hate them.

I get little sleep anymore, despite a very expensive prescrip eye drop and multiple ointments and drops applied frequently, and what I do get is interrupted by screaming panic by trying to catch rips. And sometimes it's interrupted by screaming pain when I jerk awake from a rip in my sleep. I have my right eye patched today. Guess I dared sleep too deeply. It's patched because the vision is blurred badly. So to see I'm patching it. (It's also sensitive to light and it hurts, but that's not relevant.) I'm looking out of my non-dominant eye though, so vision isn't really great. But I can read with effort. I could sit here and cry. And curse God for letting me develop Sjogren's Syndrome (which is what I believe I've developed. It's autoimmune and causes the body to attack moisture-generating glands and parts of the body serviced by them.) But instead, I'm going to try to be as functional as possible despite the fatigue, the poor vision, the dried out body (constant dy eyes, mouth, and nose), and despite the pain, and look at this as an opportunity to strengthen my weak eye. And keep looking for those silver linings, as elusive as they might seem right now. 

And obviously, as this blog post exists, I'm going to whine a little bit. Just for a moment. 

I have to come to terms with the fact that this terrible sh!t may be for life.

That's hard. And it's depressing. And it makes me want to say F-it all and eat the world and lay down and give up. No. I don't really want to do that. I've worked too damn hard to do that. I like keto. And I'm going to workout 5 days a week like always. And teach the kids to the best of my ability. And keep whichever eye is working, or getting any vision at all, out for those elusive silver linings. Hide if you want, you little bastards. I WILL find you. 

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