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When I Lose This Weight, I'm Going To...

So yeah, I've got a list. Who doesn't? I mean, maybe it's not written down or typed out somewhere, but in your mind, you've got that list. I finally put mine down on paper one day this week. Hey it was a really boring meeting I was forced to attend, so I decided to make it a little more interesting. Turns out I've got quite a list of things....

Fly in a hot air balloon, go parasailing, not be embarrassed or feel the need to aplogize for my size when flying on a plane (probably not as big of a deal for those who fly first class, but for us coach-hoppers, every inch is valuable space), shop ANYWHERE - not just in the plus-size stores or sections, wear a swimming suit without feeling self conscious (if that ever happens, I may faint), climb a rock wall, ride ALL the rides at the theme parks, take up riding a bicycyle regularly, join the church choir, maybe join the local community theater, run in a marathon, try out a zip line adventure, learn to water ski, learn to snow ski or snowboard, learn to surf, go ice skating, fly in a helicopter (I want to do the glacier tour in Alaska), try a jet-ski, try hang gliding, swing on one of those crane swings at a them park, go to Disney world (no, I've never been), wear a sun-dress, try some high heels, learn to do a cartwheel (so I'm a little old, but so what?), go rafting, go canoeing, learn to sail, learn to skateboard (even a little-- without breaking my neck), go rappelling, go on a cruise to Hawaii, go to see Australia/New Zealand, go hiking (on a real hike), ride a motorcycle or scooter...

So I've got my work cut out for me. Yeah, I know, it's a long and lofty list, but if I even get to do some of these things, I'll be totally in heaven. Nice thing is, with my walking, I'm getting stronger legs and hips and back and feet every day. I feel better. I feel more able to do things that used to kill me. I don't walk fast by any means, but I have stamina enough to outlast most of the people in my group. And since I've been walking in this drought weather, I can go further and stay longer and keep going well past the ones who never leave the air-conditioned office. Feels great. Feels even better to say "no thanks" to the snacks I used to crave. I can walk past all kinds of things on neighboring desks and not even notice it now. Turns out I can say no to chocolate!

Funny thing is, some of these things I'm waiting for, I can probably already do. Such as the swimming suit thing. I can't seem to get past the being self conscious though. Working on that. I could join the church choir too, but with those little steps they have up into the choir loft, I'd be more comfortable with more sure footing.... and being large makes it harder to see your feet too... Anyway.... still a work in progress. Walking that journey. Climbing that mountain. Taking everything one step at a time. I am trying to learn how to be very happy in the moment I've got instead of wishing and hoping and praying for the future. It's just sad to never be happy in the here and now but always looking forward to whatever is ahead... thing is, today will be yesterday before I know it. And then tomorrow (if it comes) will be another today where I'll be wishing for the next day ahead again. I'm tired of living like that. I want to find a way to enjoy each moment instead of wishing for the next. Enough.

So, here's my list of what I can do now that I couldn't before...

I can walk 5 miles a day without batting an eye. It's routine now. Who'd have thought I could do that? I can get up in the morning and do a little housework before I go to work. I can clean the whole house without feeling sore all over and collapsing exhausted. I can sleep better with some of this weight off of me. I can prepare my lunches ahead with healthy stuff and not spend money in the break room machines on junk food. I can walk past candy and not feel like I'm missing out. I can walk the stairs without being out of breath. I can stay awake through boring meetings that once put me to sleep because I don't eat the donuts that put me to sleep. I can mow the yard and not be given out. I don't have nearly as many aches and pains that I had before. And most important; I can take care of myself because I feel like I'm worth taking care of. Before, I felt horrible all the time. Grouchy, moody, angry, out of control and ready to throw in the towel and give up on myself. No. I can do this. I need to do this. I need to prove to myself that this can be done and I can make it happen. 

I think we are all stronger than we realize. We just have to wake up and really decide to change with everything that is inside us. It will happen. It just takes time.... and maybe a really good pair of walking shoes.



The Best Possible Me

I'm so thankful for this little spot of heaven called myfitnesspal. It is great to have this one place where I can come to log in and track my eating and exercise and maybe even gain some insight by reading others blogs and some therapy by blogging about all the stuff in my own head. I have to think of all this as training to become the best possible version of me. Now I'm realistic, I don't expect to someday be transformed into a movie star traipsing up and down red carpet events and smiling for the press. We're not talking about a fantasy here folks... but I have noticed I am changing into a person who is more confident in myself and a person not swept away by every new wave of fitness fads that come washing through the media. I've gained some perspective about the way I live including all my eating habits and all my fitness habits. I have begun to grow a little wiser about what triggers my desire to eat and what I can do to avoid situations that make me want to fall back into old habits. And I've grown smarter about my exercise routines.

For me routines seem to sum up the base of my success. I notice when I am on track and doing my regular exercise at every break and at lunch and a little either before or after work on set days I do better with my eating as well. It's like one routine seems to fall in place with the other one. Also, when I avoid sugars and sweets and an overindulgence of carbs, my desire to exercise and keep the ball rolling increases as well. Weird how that happens, but I like it. Funnily, it's also started me taking better care of my face and skin as well. I guess all the walking in the hot sun will make me realize I'd better moisturize or I'll end up looking like a raisin. You know, it's also begun my keeping up with all my house keeping routines a little better too.... I just noticed that. I've gotten to where I clean up certain areas at certain times of the day (like before going to and after coming in from work times) and even on weekends I am now managing to do all my laundry in one day and get it completely done and all hung up and put away. Used to I felt so tired I'd just let it lie in the basket until we needed it. That made for a lot of mass confusion when trying to get dressed on a Monday.

Weirdly, it seems like the more I resolve to get my body in shape, it's having an effect on the rest of my daily living as well. Hmmm.... I like this. Letting fitness take over my exercise, eating, housekeeping and body care isn't so bad. Oh and it makes me less grouchy whenever all the rest of this is running like a well oiled machine. Wow, it's like a total life makeover. How odd. Who'd have thought it? Anyway, I'm glad for it, whatever it is. I'm gonna keep after these healthier routines and see where it takes me.

Who knows, maybe I'll be waving to you from the red carpet one of these days.

Kidding. =)


The P Word

Everyone I know is human... or so I believe anyway... if there are any non-earth beings here on this planet reading my blog, my apologies if I offend you. As humans we are not Perfect. We tend to make mistakes. This can be looked at as a bad thing, but honestly, seeing as it is how 98% of us learn anything on this earth, it's really a good thing. I do not understand how we being imperfect humans can sometimes get so hung up on doing things "Perfect"... and why on earth do we not only require what is impossible of ourselves, but determine to do the same thing to the people we must live with on the planet? Perfection kills progress. Remember when you were a kid and your mom or dad (or grandparents, uncles, aunts, cousins, siblings... etc) gave you a task to do? Maybe it was folding the towels. Maybe it was hanging up your clothes. Maybe it was scrubbing the tub or mowing the lawn or cleaning up a room or doing dishes... we had a lot of chores.... Anyway, whatever that chore was, can you remember trying to get it done but not doing it quite right? And what happened next? The person who told you to do the chore went and redid it behind you to make it right. Maybe your mom went behind you and refolded the towels. Maybe your dad sent your brother out to fix the lawn you massacred. Maybe your grandma rescrubbed that tub. Now let me ask you, how did that make you feel? Confused? Hurt? Upset? Like you were not doing it good enough for them? If you are like me, you might have felt a mix of those feelings. I would get done with the job as good as I thought I could do it, and then they would REdo it... and that left me wondering why did I even do it in the first place? And then I had a resentment about doing that job again. Why do it? I can't do it right. They don't like how I do it. SO why try?

Hmmmmm..... leaves me looking at how I treat others in a whole new way. What am I expecting of them when my family and friends do the best they can do? Am I being unrealistic with them? Am I expecting them to be perfect? Not really fair of me, is it.... If my husband doesn't exercise like me, or if my kids don't eat healthy choices, or if my friends decide to bring in a whole box of donuts and chocolate and pile it up on their desks, I've got to choose how I will respond. I cannot expect them to stop how they live just so my life will be a little easier in my weight loss journey. So going forward, I refuse to ask them to be perfect. I will simply learn how to dance around their little temptations and pitfalls and I'll love them for who they are. If they want to follow me, terrific. If they stop along the way to take care of other things, I'm ok and they'll be ok too. I cannot make their choices for them, and I will not be disappointed no matter what they do. I choose to breathe in, breathe out and move on, and stop sweating the small stuff.



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