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Things You Say to Your Scale

The scale has a lot of power over us. It's like a religion - an object of worship even! The fact that it is inanimate doesn't seem to stop us from talking to it, though. I am thinking about some of the things I've muttered under my breath besides the obvious profanities when stepping on the scale.

The scale is like having a child.

I won't go as far as to say it's like giving birth, but it is a pretty painful experience at times. Like a new mother, once it births a loss, even a baby one, it's pretty exciting!

When there is good news from baby scale, it's "I love you baby."

With a new child in the house the real relationship work begins. You start to act like your own parents. The worse the report, the madder you get.

Here are some things you know you can hear yourself saying! (The following is an except from my book.)

Don't talk to me like that!

Don't make me come down there.

Show me onederland!

Just measure the part that's not water!

This hurts me more than it hurts you.

Someday, when you have offspring, you will understand.

Don't get married ever in your life. And tell that to your kids.  

I am going to stand here until I get the truth.... OK, lie to me and let's get this over with.

You're going to sit there until you give me the weight I am looking for. I don't care if you sit there all night.

Where are your clothes?

Keep your numbers to yourself!

No, I am not pregnant. 

Two zeros don't make it right. 

When I say no, I mean NOOOOO!  

Because I can pull your batteries out, that's why. 

Don't ask me, ask your manufacturer.

Stop playing Biggest Loser, and give me just one weight. 

If Tommy told you to go up to 350, would you do it?

Do what I say, not what I do. 

Wipe that smile off your dial, or I will. 

If you don't stop crying, I'll give you something to cry about. 

If you break your legs, don't come running to me!

So don't be an abusive parent. ;0

Thanks for the votes and comments.

The Upside of the Downside

Holy crap, it's only Tuesday and it seems like a million things have gone wrong. Some lady who is one sandwich short of a picnic pulled out without looking. I slammed on the brakes, spilled my coffee, blew the horn, and flipped her the bird; all from muscle memory.

Thank God I am a trained Boston driver.

Moving has been good and crazy too. I can't find some things I need, but I found a pile of stuff I don't need. I did find my laundry from day one - after 2 weeks. Ewwww!

Today things will be different, Finally, after 13 months of unemploymennt, I have been at my new job for five days. They didn't even care about my 9 years of college! The fact that I can breath without assitance was more than a-freakin-nough!

Why did I go to college anyway? Oh right, because they had beer and girls.

I am sitting here in front of the computer having wasted most of the day waiting for my new email address to be processed. Maybe they should just use Gmail? All I want to do is get my insurance started so I can get my medication.

You know how I am without my medication!

At least I am basically hitting my goals. I guess that makes me an emotional non-eater. I am glad to be working.

There is a list things that I found annoying about being out of work and a few things I might miss. 

- The refrigerator is not far away.
- Now I have to use the paper toilet seat covers when I go to the corporate bathroom.
- There is a short line to the bathroom at home now that I am not sleeping in.
- I now have to worry about having a flat tire on the way to work!
- Sitting inside with nothing to do while the sun is out while waiting for the phone to ring about a job you need to be in front of the PC for.
- Grocery shopping with seniors. I'm a runner lady, move the hell over!
- Wishing I could spend some time having fun.
- COBRA health insurance prices!
- The mail.
- Friends who post stupid crap on Facebook and it's there all day!
- I don't like unloading the silverware from the dishwasher. Plates and glasses, OK. Silverware, forget it!
- People asking me what I do for work. I'm a smart ass blogger and write about fat people. So there.
- The Message Boards. Actually they tick me off when I am working too.

Thanks for the votes and comments. (You can do both, but please vote!)

I Don't Like this Meal, Not One Bit

I am not very good at returning food at a restaurant if I don't like it. I usually just don't go back. Times have changed and I now have the revenge of the Internet! I also can ask nicely for something else, or a replacement. I have had very good experiences the last two times I asked.

I never thought, what if the replacement was worse than the first plate? I guess it's possible.

Today I am not feeling too humorous. I'm heading to the dermatologist. Last time was uneventful, but I have had melanoma more than once. I remember I looked like an acne crazed teenager on Jolt Cola! My mother and brother both had melanoma; my mother's apparently led to pancreatic cancer (depending on what study you read.).

I really hate cancer.

As most of you know I was unemployed for 6 months and I have been contracting for 6 months without benefits. I am a little behind. The good news is that I was offered a fulltime job yesterday!

I was looking back over my timeline and I have been here before.

Here is what I wrote 5 years ago. I guess I was feeling sorry for myself as I walked towards the tennis courts after my appointment. Heck, I only got a few hours of sleep and things sort of suck. I was thinking how I would rather have a different lot in life - another meal because I wasn't liking this one.

My face still numb from the Lidocaine injections, I was watching one of the tennis instructors getting ready for my daughter's group lesson. My family wasn't due in for 20 or 30 minutes, so I struck up a conversation with Chris.

It sort of started with, "Well, what happened to your arm?"

"Rotator cuff repair." I said looking at the ground. My face was starting to come to.

"It's probably from your 120 mile per hour serve!," he smiled.

"I was never much of a tennis player." It made me grin thinking about taking off somebody's cherries with a fast serve like that.

"I was a pro at one time. I used to run marathons for 17 years too." Chris said. "It's over now. I had a neck injury and I will be walking with a limp for the rest of my life."

I thought to myself: man that does suck. I suppose I will heal sometime soon. In spite of my discomfort, I won't die from cancer in a few months. "Wow, I am sure that was tough to handle."

"It was an emergency surgery and I didn't get to decide how it was going to turn out - simply that if I had it, it wouldn't get any worse." Chris said with a interesting gleam in his eye.

"Life has some surprises for sure," I added.

"You know, life is good. I get paid to play tennis with kids all day. I do private lessons with people that will never achieve much, save the praise I give them. I've taught tennis to people with one arm. I go and visit US vets in hospitals that have lost limbs. I have it pretty good compared to them."

"Sure it's not my first choice in life, but it's the best second choice I could ask for."

Chris continued. "I had a dentist that gave me a couple of crowns once after I got it with a fast ball playing in college baseball. It saved me thousands of dollars. Ever since then I just give whatever I have to give - I give it everything I have. Some people call it paying forward, for me, it's life."

"Oh yeah, and your daughter, Chris said. "She is very athletically talented. With the right coaching, she'll get some stuff done."

My family pulled in, and kids started whacking tennis balls in every direction. For me it seemed a little chaotic, for Chris, he limped into the middle of the court and started hitting them back.

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