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I Used to be Fat, But Now I Am Not

Most of us fantasized about being in a relationship with a famous movie or TV personality, a musician or sports figure - and it wasn't Roseanne Barr or Fluffy! That is what is wonderful thing about fantasies, they're free, but often not fulfilling. 

After a long time, they are draining.
Losing inches and getting down to a healthy weight does not have to be a fantasy. You can do it! Lots of folks on MFP have done it. I read amazing success stories everyday about people like you and me that have lost literally tons of fat (without cutting off their heads).

It can be done!

I don't know about you, but I get tired of skinny people telling me how to do it! Are you with me? Just eat less, blah blah blah... Of course they can eat a whole a freakin' pizza and down a liter of Coke for lunch and get away with it. What's her name can swallow a whole banana without choking. But you and me, we are not like that. We eat one extra slice of pizza and grow another chin. Hell, we eat a big meal and have to loosen our belt or start responding to elephant mating calls.

Being fat sucks! It has few advantages save the invention of stretch waist pants which saved our lives.

Emotionally being large bodied can be brutal too. My once 7-year-old was trying to be nice, "daddy I like you fat." Are you kidding?, I thought to myself. "I don't!", I snapped back. 

So much for teaching her to be positive.

So how does a Willy the Whale become a flipin' errr Flipper the dolphin? It starts with what you think and ends with what you eat.

- If you don't really want to be thin, you won't be. Worse, you may just have decided that you'll always be fat, and you'd be right. Unless you can desire to be thin, it will never happen unless you're stranded on a tofu ranch.(I deleted the reference to being tied up...)

- If your life has no real schedule or structure, it's going to be tough, really tough. Losing weight requires doing the same thing over and over and over and over and over to get the desired result.

- You don't have to be perfect, but you have to be determined. In fact I was so bad at this, I bet I could have gotten Richard Simmons depressed and Jane Fonda to cry. If you want a date with your favorite entertainer, you need to be attractive enough to get in the game. Me, I just want to please me and a special someone. Because I was once thin, that is the picture I have in my own mind. I'd like it to match the me in the mirror. If you've never been thin, get a role model here on MFP!

- Pick non-food rewards for yourself when you reach short-term goals. If you lose 5 pounds you give yourself some new music. Lose 10, a new bike. And when you lose 25 or 50, ask your significant other for a new car and a week in Hawaii - well unless you already live there, then go to Alaska.

- Ask yourself this: If I was thin, what would my life look like? Would it be Charlie Sheen', Paris Hilton', Oprah Winfrey' or Bart Simpson'? Success aint' all it's cracked up to be. You can change your surroundings and make better food choices NOW. You only have to do it.

- Everyone has a time when we're most likely to overeat, whether it is the morning coffee break or when we first arrive back at the Bat Cave. You need to plan to handle those times and stick to to the plan!

- Surround yourself with people who want you to be healthy. Your fat, diabetic, grandmother - the one who pinches your cheek every time she sees you and gets the walking farts in the kitchen; she is probably not the person you want cooking your meals and suggesting dishes for the holidays. Even our good friends can sabotage weight-loss attempts. Not everyone looks at a cookie as a death threat. For you and me, we need to weigh our options carefully, and choose people that are on the same page (to eat with)!

- Stock your pantry and refrigerator with healthy foods. If you are serious about losing weight, then you need to skip the high-calorie stuff or I will be in your face after looking at your food diary! Gorge yourself on celery sticks!

- Get a mirror, take pictures. Drop your dating profile from the Chubby Dates website and make a YouTube video asking your fantasy date out - you never know!

Don't you already feel better?

Thanks in advance for your votes, your comments, and your support! If you need a wiseass friend, add me! 

Please Quiet the Heck Down, I am Exercising!

Gym goers are often annoying, and on occasion I would like to say, "Have a nice cup of shut the FRONT door!" If you are serious about losing weight, you've probably gone to a gym, or possibly thought about joining one.

It's unforntuate that you can't go when it is empty.

Maybe it's just too damn hot at 3 am to run outside. Although most people have an iPod and mind their own business, there are still those that insist on old fashioned communication: mindless gum flapping. The problem is that they think they are the only ones in the whole place. Evidently, they need more strenuous workouts. Then we have trainers, some of which aren't always the brightest bulb in the marquee.
Here are some things I have overheard; many of which, I wish I didn't!

"How do you turn this thing onnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnn..."

"I am taking it easy, I don't want to lose my boobs."

"I was wondering if I could bum a pair of headphones?" (Creepy man to cute girl.)

"I just completed a marathon. CSI, yeah, I love Gil Grissom." (I think this was a pickup line!)

"Can I adjust your heart rate monitor, it looks a little low?" (I didn't dear look over my shoulder!)

"No kidding, you did that without human growth hormones?"

"Those are huge!"

"Pssst - Just because you have headphones on doesn't mean that people can't hear you fart."

"I am using the new video treadmill program but I don't like these people on the path, they slow me down."

"I want to be in the back row so no one will look at me."

"I am not drooling; I forgot the cap to my water bottle."

"I think my arms are swollen."

"I know that all the other treadmills are empty, but this one has the best view."

"I didn't spit in the drinking fountain, I threw up."

From the classes with trainers:
"Now ladies lay on your backs."

"My trainer hates me, I don't groan, I scream."

"Now class, pick up your balls."

"For the next excruciating minute..."

"This is a kettle bell; no it doesn't ring, but if you drop it on your foot…"

"I swear invisible jump rope is harder than the real thing."

"Gentleman, these are treadmills, let's get it up."

"I swear if that guy cracks a pose in front of the mirror one more time, I am going to throw a dumbbell at him!"

"Get off the floor, we are just getting started!"

Thanks in advance for the comments and votes, you guys are awesome! (And it is directly tied to my self esteem barometer.)

Friend me if you dare.

Cancer Sucks

Some of you know that I have been around here for a few years. It's not that important. I stuck with the plan and lost a lot of weight, not to mention I can run a marathon and fit in some much smaller clothes.

I also made some people on the message boards mad.

I have had 17 surgeries since I showed up as a Photoshopped profile picture on MFP. The heart surgery was only cosmetic. :) I had my knee repaired and I liked that so much I also had my rotator cuff repaired too.

Then there was the colon tumor, a number of melanoma surgeries and some other crap.

In 2013, just a few weeks before my first marathon, I had a surgical biopsy. The diagnosis? A malignant tumor. WTF, what I really wanted was liposuction and a tummy tuck to complete the weight loss process. According to the doctor, the tumor is small - compared to what, I don't know - maybe my head.

Cancer sucks. We all know why.

Here is the picture for tomorrow, July 2016: There is a half naked guy with an ultrasound probe strategically placed in the location where my ex-wife swears my head was. Truthfully it felt more like they took all the office furniture and shoved it up there. And oh damn, then they accidentally were a little rough on whatever it is up there that doesn't get a touch of local anesthesia. Then they proceed with the biopsy which feels like you were snapped with a large rubber band on the buttocks. 16 times. Did I mention they took 2 needles to inject antibiotics, one of which was pure molten steel?

After the last 5 procedures like this, I just wished I was dead.

This is followed by the recovery process, which includes blood. Supposedly it's not much, but I consider mine almost as precious as that of Jesus, and when given the option, I like to keep it in my body. It seems to come from everywhere.

I have had a number of different surgeries and none of them hurt like this.

The ladies are thinking, "oh, now you know what it's like to give birth." Well, I did ask for an epidural and never got one. But whatever it is I gave birth to, I won't have to send it to college or pay for a wedding.

When you have been diagnosed with cancer, you think about a lot of things. Will I die? This sucks and will it suck more? What is the treatment plan? Can I run? Will I miss work? Will the treatment make me feel sick? And, "will I die?" That question shows up more often then, "Is there sex in Heaven?"

Venting a little helps. The problem is that someone would rather tell you about an uncle who died from cancer then spend much time just letting you ramble.

So that's it for today. My buddy Charlie is driving down from New Hampshire to drive me back and forth. Then I will get back to looking for work.
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