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Cancer Sucks and Cuddly Kittens

Some of you know that I have been around here for a few years. It's not that important. I stuck with the plan and lost a lot of weight, not to mention I can run a marathon and fit in some much smaller clothes.

I also made some people on the message boards mad.

I have had 5 surgeries since I showed up as a Photoshopped profile picture on MFP. The heart surgery was only cosmetic. :) I had my knee repaired and I liked that so much I also had my rotator cuff repaired too.

Last fall, just a few weeks before my first marathon, I had a surgical biopsy. The diagnosis? A malignant tumor. WTF, what I really wanted was liposuction and a tummy tuck to complete the weight loss process. According to the doctor, the tumor is small - compared to what, I don't know - maybe my head.

Cancer sucks. We all know why.

As a follow up, and to get a second opinion, I had another biopsy last Thursday. My previous experience was not a lot of fun. I am pretty much immune to the effects of lidocaine, a local anaesthetic for the people that it works for. Instead of switching me to something new, they gave me more of the one that didn't work. Did I say I was pretty much immune to the effects?

You may want to cover the children's eyes.


Here is a half naked guy with an ultrasound probe strategically placed in the location where my ex-wife swears my head was. Truthfully it felt more like they took all the office furniture and shoved it up there. And oh damn, then they accidently were a little rough on whatever it is up there that doesn't get a touch of local anaesthesia. Then they proceed with the biopsy which feels like you were snapped with a large rubber band on the buttocks. 12 times. Did I mention they took 2 needles to inject antibiotics, one of which was pure molten steel?

Before the procedure I was just wishing it was over because I had the same one late last year. #4 if you are counting. After the procedure, I just wished I was dead. I was in pain and nauseous from the drugs.

Now the recovery process starts. That includes blood. Supposedly it's not much, but I consider mine almost as precious as that of Jesus, and when given the option, I like to keep it in my body. 45 minutes later I lay on the bathroom floor waiting for the pain to subside. I went into shock and my pulse dropped to 39.

As I stated earlier, I have had a number of surgeries and none of them hurt like this.

The ladies are thinking, "oh, now you know what it's like to give birth." Well, I did ask for an epidural and never got one. But whatever it is I gave birth to, I won't have to send it to college or pay for a wedding.

When you have been diagnosed with cancer, you think about a lot of things. Will I die? This sucks and will it suck more? What is the treatment? Can I run? Will I miss work? Will the treatment make me feel sick? And will I die? That questions shows up more often then, "Is there sex in Heaven?"

Venting a little helps. The problem is that someone would rather tell you about an uncle who died from cancer then spend much time just letting you ramble.

So here I am, on the verge of one of the most amazing experiences of my lifetime (however long that is), and I don't get to think about it that much. For the most part the bleeding has subsided, and I am looking forward to a run after work. It's just 5 weeks until the Boston Marathon. It's the last year the the Hoyt's will be running. It's the first year since the bombings. I heard they have free kittens at one of the water stops. I can't wait.

How Pathetic Am I? You Decide!

If you've read any of my blogs, you know that I am pretty pathetic. Weather it's at the gym, out running or at the race course, I do so dumb stuff. I have a long history and doubt much will change soon, if ever. I am the person that causes others to say, "you won't believe this!"

Here is my most recent Top 10:
-1 Instead of pinning my race bib (number), I pinned my glove to my race shirt at my last 5K.
-2 I put a race shirt (which I designed) on backwards.
-3 I forgot my running shorts and ran in my tech long underwear (guys with a fly hole) at lunch. Instead of being embarrassed, I was a little bummed that no one beeped and shouted about one of my body parts.
-4 Dropped my water on the treadmill and turned it into a lawn sprinkler.
-5 Went to work and forgot to pack a towel in my gear bag. Yes, I used a lot of paper towels. Ummm... on 2 occasions.
-6 I forgot to put a hair comb in my bag. I had a meeting with the VP of marketing not long after my workout.
-7 I left my bionic running clothes in a hot car for 5 hours.
-8 The same hot car melted my deodorant stick.
-9 Told my oldest daughter about dork move #1 above and she told me she had 2 different color gloves on.
-10 My youngest daughter overheard us talking about #9 above, and admitted she had pinned her number on upside down at the 5K on Saturday.

There you have it. The apple doesn't fall far from the tree. And the most pathetic thing of all? This list took less than 5 minutes to write.

And a final warning. I ran a race with a friend from my run club. We are sort of close to the same pace, so we see a lot of each other during races. She has caught the pathetic runner bug from me. It appears that after 5 steps her bra malfunctioned and she had to run an entire a 5K like that. I just hope that I am not in any of her race photos. 

Thanks for the votes and comments.

And thanks to everyone who has read and posted reviews of my book on Amazon! You rock!

Crash Dummy

Now that I have lost enough weight where I can actually run, I run. I used to run six days a week, but now I have a job. Jobs aren't bad if you like to work - no really, they aren't. I am in my fourth week and my run mileage dropped from 160 miles per month to barely 100.  Pathetic!

I am running the Boston  Marathon in April and I really need to be training.

There is a God, and it turns out, that in His infinite wisdom, He created a group of runners at work who have managed this dilemma; they run at lunch. It's only 5 miles, but it's a run.

A couple of fives doesn't beat a full house, but I'll take it.

My alternatives are early in the morning, or late in the evening during the winter months. I live in a  rural setting now, so there are no street lights, no plowed side-walks and there is still over 2 feet of snow and plenty of ice on the ground.

I love running,  but I am not a freakin' sled dog!

Saturday was my long run day and I needed to do 17 miles. I decided to run to work and back. Because I live reasonably close to work, I can run there and get in almost 12 miles instead of just the lunch 5. They have showers (internet and deodorant) at the office, so I am good - and so is everyone else. Me and couple of buddies from my local run club left my house at 10 am. It's a very hilly run so I convinced them to go slow. That's a trick for not dying at mile 15 or 19 or 20 in a marathon.

That's why I am an expert. I have not yet died.

We had a good run only stopping for a moment to get a drink, chomp on an Endurolyte or suck on a GU packet. When we arrived at the turnaround point, I checked my Garmin and it was 1 hour and 45 minutes. After those hills, I needed a little break, so we took 3 minutes. One of the guys was  just going to the turnaround point, and we bid him good bye.

Danny and I headed on back, enjoying the long easy downhill on the way towards home. Downtown Woonsocket is a little sketchy so we kept moving, ready  for a magic mile at any moment. As we rounded the corner onto Railroad Street I caught a patch of black ice and hit the pavement nearly rolling under a car. My buddy helped me to my feet. Holy crap, it took forever to count the things that hurt. It got cold and I decided to keep  moving.

Danny was cheering me on.

We still had over 6 miles to go. I walked a short hill and then we caught another nice long downhill and I seemed OK. My heart rate was up  and I had to slow it down. Finally I just couldn't go any farther. I called home for a ride and my partner headed on down the road.

The good news is that nothing is broken and despite some bruises, cuts and scratches, I will run again today. Had it been the marathon, I would have pushed through somehow - well, that and there won't be any black ice in late April I hope!

Thanks for the votes and comments, you guys rock!

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