Diaries of a Nearly Dead Man

I have traveled a lot, and even in my town I meet folks for who English is a second language. For me, the language of nutrition and fitness is a second language. I mean, when I started, I thought a burpee was a couple of bodily functions gone wrong - like a hickcough.

My neighbor is Brazilian and I love his accent and fractured idioms! My favorite is "the whole 9 shebangs."

It got me to thinking about some of the sayings Americans use (don't like it, piss off no offense to the rest of the world) in day to day life. What if nutrition and fitness was my first language, what would they mean then? How would they change?

- As easy as [tofu] pie!

- The bee's knees [needed arthoscopic surgery].

- As happy as an [unfried] clam.

- Big fish in a small pond: now a meal for four.

- Blast from the past: before pics!

- Catch 22: Could be good or bad depending on whether it is a filling 22 calorie snack food or a 22 pound weight gain.

- Brownie points: Colon cleansing.

- Chick flick: Half a chicken tender.

- Close but no cigar: 200.1 lbs on the scale damn it!

- Cold turkey: unhealthy processed meats filled with sodium.

- Doom and gloom: A 1000 calorie a day diet.

- Fancy pants: 2 sizes smaller then the ones from last month!

- Ethnic cleansing: No more pizza and beer!

- Fanny farm: Where we used to live before C25K.

- Going postal: Mail order diet food.

- Heavy metal: Fitbits, GPS units and HRMs.

- Identity Theft: After pics!

- In the bag: Purchase healthy food.

- Jump the gun: Run your first 5K!

- Kangaroo court: Message boards.

- Jump the shark: Mad fitness workout!

- Kit and caboodle: Properly fitting sports bra or other undergarment.

- Lame duck: Posting that you are not going to log for a few days.

- Off the record: Not logging all your food.

- Pi$s off: Getting ready to weigh in.

- Play by ear: New running tunes!

- Red letter day: Over your calories.

- Sold down the river: Health food store is too far from the house.

- Spill the beans: In the south = peanut farts, up north = eating a high protein/high fiber diet.

- Tuckered out: Week 3 of C25K. :)

- Zero tolerance: Rules for not adding friends.

Thanks for reading along! I appreciate the votes and comments. Feel free to add your own.

If you have ever been a kid, you must have read a least a few Dr. Seuss books! I just finished reading my 8-year-old Hop on Pop and then had to explain how she couln't really jump on me. In spite fo her dissapointment, we've had more than a few rhymes at the dinner table. All I can say is it's a good thing we had steak and not pork that night.

Then I got to thinking what if the doc was on MFP and wrote a few books for our benefit?  Here are the results of that little journey.

The Fat in the Hat - Obese people avoiding the sun.

One Fish Two Fish Red Fish Blue Fish - Sushi for three. (560 Calories per serving)

Green Eggs and Ham and a Protien Bar -The original Atkins diet.

Hop on the Scale - The daily vs. weekly debate goes on.

Dr. Seuss's ABC - Apples, beans, cherries, donuts etc.

The Fat in the Hat Beginner Book Dictionary - Atkins, bulimia, cleansing; 26 in all.

Fox in Socks - actually they were stretch yoga pants.

I Wish I Could See My Duck Feet - A new NSV.

Come Over to My House - We have lots of healthy food.

Wacky Wednesday - We are only eating foods the begin with "W." Including wine (400 calories) and whole wheat bread (70 calories). Sort of like MFP communion.

Because a Little Bug Went Ka-choo - Poor fella was allergic to whole grains and whines about it on the message boards.

Oh, the Thinks You Can Think! - Body image 101 and should I eat my exercise calories.

The Cat's Quizzer - There's got to be a Chinese food joke in there.

I Can Eat With My Eyes Shut!

Oh Say Can You Say? - I am vegan and you're wrong, or I'm a carnivore and you're wrong.

I Am Not Going to Get Up Today! - Overcoming the lack of motivation for morning exercise.

My Book About Me - How to create an MFP profile page.

Maybe You should fly a Jet, Maybe You Should be a Vet - Maybe you should lose some wet.

Hunches in Bunches - Diet myths including: starvation mode and not eating after 5 pm..

Daisy-Head Mayzie - Protein shakes with essential brain nutrients.

Mr. Brown Can Moo! - You'll have to make up your own for this one. I don't want the blog flagged.

The Shape of Me and Other Stuff - Pear, apple, hourglass and 5 other body types.

There's a Wocket in My Pocket! - The illustrated book of thigh gaps and V abs!

Great Day for Up - Successful cheat days.

Would You Rather be a Skinny Bullfrog?

The Pop-Up Mice of Mr. Brice - Navigating flirt threads.

I Can Write - Not on my message boards!

Ten Apples Up On Top - The illustrated guide to fruit and sex.

How the Grinch Stole Your NSV at Christmas

The Lorax - a new DVD set where Jillian Michaels is bound and gagged in a locker room at Curves for a long weekend.

Oh the Places You'll Go - If you follow the MFP program!

Thanks for the votes and coats and boats.

I have been back to playing hockey the last few months. I hadn't played since the winter of 1980. In fact, although I did rollerblade a lot, there was almost no ice skating at all for 30 years.

In high school and college I was a defenseman, so I had more fights... err, I mean assists than goals. Now I have been playing forward on the right wing in the league I am part of, and one of things I love to do, is score goals. The broken rib was just a benefit. I also fall on my a$$ a lot. I am hoping that my wife can video it so I can post it on YouTube for your enjoyment.

I think that hockey is a lot like life. To be your best, it requires a team, skill, balance, stamina, bursts of speed, endurance, strategy, sacrifice, not quitting, and in the end, nobody wins without scoring. And occasionally there is a fight.

The only way a goal counts in hockey is if it's in the net. It doesn't matter how it gets there, or what it hits on along the way, it's got to be in.

Weight loss has a lot of the same elements. You need goals, and you need strategy. You have to keep on digging until you score. I read a lot of the Message Boards and there are folks that defend their right to eat what they want. It made me think about goals I have made along the way.

Some of my life goals in my teens and twenties were:
- Drink the most beer in one day. Every time I'd get close, I'd lose count.
- Be backstage for the Who!
- Play pro hockey, ride pro motocross and be in the Olympics for giant slalom skiing.
- Travel to every country on earth.
- Get a recording contract.

Then came my thirties:
- Make a lot of money doing nothing.
- Enjoy my kids.
- Win the lottery.

Then at 40-something I wanted to lose weight and set a few goals for that:
- Sell or abandon my teenagers.
- Lose weight for a special day in the future. The one were a member of the opposite sex would think I was irresistible.
- Sell my stock in Little Debbie's.
- Live out my life on diet food.
- Eat anything I want, but still lose weight.
- Forget those moments where what I was eating was counter to my goals.

After I clicked off 50 on the life-o-meter last year, I got sick. I updated my goals:
- Count calories on MFP.
- Exercise three times a week.
- Take vacations.
- Work harder at making my wife happy. :) Which reminds me I need to get some flowers on the way home.
- Spend more time with the kids.
- Fit in my 34" waist jeans.
- Buy another motorcycle.

MFP woke me up in other ways, and I made more goals.
- Stop eating processed foods.
- Eat only whole grains.
- Skip white rice, flour products and potatoes most of the time.
- Eat low or no-fat dairy.
- Eat smaller potions!
- Eat lots of veggies and fruit.
- Run a 5K.
- Message boards are of the Devil!
- Work harder at making my wife happy. :) I did take out the trash and mow the lawn.

After a year on MFP I have new goals:
- Run 3 times a week, and cross train 2 times.
- Run a 10K
- Lose the last 30 pounds.
- Coach hockey and play it too.
- Post pictures of me in my underwear so I don't feel left out.
- Get a dog to walk 3 MPH with so I am not lying on my log.
- Punch Jillian Michaels and Richard Simmons in the nose.
- Work harder at making my wife happy. :) Take her on a cruise.
- Keep doing what I am doing.

How about you, do you have goals other than the magic weight-loss number?

As alaways, thanks for voting and commenting.

If you are new on My Fitness Pal (MFP), there are some acronyms you may come across. The truth is, I am pretty board with them, especially WTG - "way to go." At first, I thought it was a typo for WTF... but I am not new any more.

One day I logged that I had "burned 120 calories doing "light house cleaning."" I got like 12 "WTG!" and one "WTF!" (which may have been from my wife.) You can see why I would have been confused.

If you are like me, you respond differently based on the "perceived effort" you think one of your MFP buddies has put in. Here is an example:

dsjohndrow burned 2 calories doing 3 minutes of "Dancing with the Stars DVD"

For something like that, I would put "PE" = Pathetic Effort. In fact, I would be thinking, was it just during the commercials?

For weight loss, one must be aware that any scale victory is acknowledged. For example:

dsjohndrow lost 0.1 pound since his last weigh-in! He's lost 0.2 pounds so far.

For something like that I would comment. "TPF!" = Try Pooping First!

Food diaries are a huge part of MFP. They are like wallets in real life. Some times you let people look in them, and some times you DON'T. In there we can find out everything we need to know about you.

dsjohndrow completed his food and exercise diary for 06/14/2012 and was under his calorie goal.

I like the comment, "NETA" = No Evidence Try Again. Or "OYFD" = Open You Freakin' Diary

Had it said this, I would use a different comment:

dsjohndrow completed his food and exercise diary for 06/14/2012 and was under his calorie goal. View diary.

I write "YAW?" = You Ate What? or "NB" = No Booze? Occasionally I write "MDP" = Make Diary Private. I mean there are some things that should not be logged - or at least make them quick add calories and leave us in suspense. And no, MFP does not track testosterone.

Here are some others that need some very supportive responses:

dsjohndrow is now friends with s8fesexisapaddedheadboard, fahq2 and assfault.

Best left alone, but something like: "AMT" = And Me Too, is as encouraging as I want to be.

I don't know about you, but when I see this, it makes me nuts:

dsjohndrow posted a new topic Should I Eat My Exercise Calories

After I punch the monitor and slam the mouse on the desk, I type: "STFU!" = No.

Along the same lines is a reply to a post in the Message Boards:

dsjohndrow replied to Lost 100 Pounds (With pics)
"YLG!" = Nice Underwear (YLG = You Look Great! but no one means that.)

dsjohndrow burned 144 calories doing 20 minutes of "Walking, 3.0 mph, mod. pace, walking dog"

YDHAD!" = You Don't Have a Dog!

dsjohndrow has not logged in for 10 days and might need some encouragement.
"IBYAGFAEYEC!" = I bet You Are Getting Fat Again Eating Your Exercise Calories! or YOTL! = Your Off the List!

Here's a list of new ways to say "WTG" to your friends.

ORT = On the Right Track!
YGIM = You've Got it Made
WH2D = Working Hard Today.
POY = Proud of You
BYED = Best You've Ever Done.
NYCDI = Knew You Could Do It
LF = Learning Fast
NCSUN = Nothing Can Stop You Now
FCW = First Class Work
GJ = Good Job
SEN = Sensational!

..and dont cringe dsjohndrow posted a new blog

Thanks for the comments and votes, you guys and gals are the best!

Well, I did it, I logged for an entire leap year! I already wrote a post about what I learned about logging last week. I guess a picture is worth a thousand words. So here are a couple of pics.

That's me at 276 pounds. Summer 2010

That's me at 214 pounds.

Wow! I have logged my food for a few days shy of a year. I haven't missed one! For me, doing something for an entire year, which I DON'T have to do, seems silly. Let's say it takes 5 minutes a day, that's a lot of hours I could have actually been doing work at my job! Exactly why I call it Social Not Working.

As a veteran M-F-P-er, here is what I learned in 360+ days about logging:

- Logging food is an eye opener.

- Logging cardiovascular exercise is some times depressing - like when you worked out for 30 minutes and earned the right to eat a freaking cookie that isn't even as good as grandma's!

- Processed meat, pickles, ripe olives, cheese and bread contain TONS of sodium.

- If you pick the right "chicken wings" from the Add Food list, there isn't any calories or sodium! ;)

- There is food in the list with no calories. :)

- The Relevance radio button doesn't correct misspellings.

- The misspelling link doesn't correct misspellings.

- The asterisked items in the search are provided my another MyFitnessPal member. I want names, some of them are WRONG and they need a whack in the knuckles with a keyboard!

- The Bar Cod scanner needs a "too dark" setting. Might as well toss in a "too drunk to care" setting too.

- My Meals is well, totally useless.

-My Foods is what, a poop scanner? Useless.

- If we are going to Walk 3 MPH, do we have to take to stupid dog with us? How many people do you suppose put in 3.5 miles an hour so they could walk alone?

- I love the Food Settings. I was going to change one of mine to "Crap I Lied About and Ate Anyway."

- Does anyone actually log Strength Training? I mean, no calories burned, that hurts. But I don't eat my exercise calories anyway. I guess I need to get over it.

- You get the splash icon if you drink enough water!

- When you drink a lot of water, you should log peeing as cardio.

- Typing "sex" in the Cardio search still has "no results" and I have come to the conclusion that MFPers don't have sex.

Do you log?

As always, thanks for the votes and comments.