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Tweeting the Surgery - The Effects of #Vicodin

I had planned on Tweeting my surgery yesterday, but Nurse Cratchet took away my smart phone. Here is what I would have said in 140 characters or less.

5:15 am dsjohndrow: Up, no coffee, no breakfast, weigh in, blood pressure 131/82. Time for a shower. No coffee! #RatherBeInBed

5:16 am dsjohndrow: No coffee, no damn coffee! #NeedCoffee

5:16 am dsjohndrow: No coffee, just no damn coffee! #INeedTheDamnCoffee
 
5:44 am dsjohndrow: Kissed Mary Anne and sleeping Charlotte goodbye. :( #SadDay

5:45 am dsjohndrow: Jot is here to take me to the hospital.

5:46 am dsjohndrow: That coffee smells good, Jot. #INeedTheEffingCoffee

5:50 am dsjohndrow: Jot's retired, and told me all about his new Medicaid benefits. #SmallTalk

5:55 am dsjohndrow: Jot prayed for my surgery. He knows a lot about this having done it himself. #PrayerIsGood

5:59 am dsjohndrow: Making my way to Surgical Day Care. A little anxious. Thinking "doggie day care" for some reason.

6:00 am dsjohndrow: Answering identity questions for the admitting nurse. Thinking about COFFEE! What is this the TSA? #Interrogations

6:05 am dsjohndrow: Shown to my cube - almost like work except a bed instead of a desk. Hmm... new office arrangement?

6:06 am dsjohndrow: WTF! Take off everything? How about I keep my underwear? #DignityGone

6:10 am dsjohndrow: Right, just a little pinch. How come there is blood squirting everywhere? That's good stuff, don't waste any! #NothingButTheBlood

6:15 am dsjohndrow: I'm going to have to log the IV, how many calories are in the stuff? #MyFitnessPalGuilt

6:16 am dsjohndrow: Can you put coffee in that? #INeedTheEffingCoffee

6:25 am dsjohndrow: Talked to the anesthesiologist. I chose one of each from the menu! #LoveTheDrugs

6:30 am dsjohndrow: Talked to the OR nurse and chose my music. #MusicRocks

6:40 am dsjohndrow: Was relieved the nurse decided to shave me with a clipper. When I saw that roll of tape it made my navel pucker. #HolyCrap

6:50 am dsjohndrow: Doc in. Initialed my right leg. Borrowed his Sharpee, and wrote "NOT THIS ONE!" on my left. Doc not impressed. #DumbMove

7:00 am dsjohndrow: In the OR now, praying #PrayerIsGood, oxygen and Lidocane. Smells fun.... #OutLikeALight

7:05 am dsjohndrow: Why are you painting my leg red? Purple is my favorite color. #HallucinationsAreInteresting

7:15 am dsjohndrow: What are you doing with the thing? I wish I had my underwear! #FearOfAwesomeMedicalDevices

7:20 am dsjohndrow: I hate The View, can you change it to the NHL Channel? #NHL
 
7:22 am dsjohndrow: Is that Barbara Walters on skates?  #HallucinationsAreInteresting

7:25 am dsjohndrow: Are you Santa Clause? I have been very good this year. #BeenGoodAllYear #HallucinationsAreInteresting

7:45 am dsjohndrow: Ahhhh! It is Santa Clause, my parents lied! #Fear #SantasNotReal

8:15 am dsjohndrow: Did fine, in recovery. They have Fantanyl. I like that better than coffee. #LoveTheDrugs #CoffeeIsOverated

8:30 am dsjohndrow: Mary Anne is here, everything is OK. #BestWifeEver She has coffee, the nurse has Vicodin, this is a good day. I feel like dancing! #BestDayEver
 
Thanks for the votes and comments! Friend me at your own risk, I still have Vicodin! #WiseAss

The Hospital Experience: Take the Bull by the Horns!

I think that I have spent more time exposing my privates to strangers in the past 7 months than I have in my entire lifetime; including my wife. In fact I am feeling almost like a criminal. My dignity has gone out the window, and some of the medical procedures and exams are more embarrassing than that which took place in the boy's locker room in high school!

As a puritanical New Englander, we don't talk about anything that has to do with a person's private parts - unless said person is well into the ale at an Irish Pub making gross exaggerations, whereafter; no one remembers what was said. New England lifeguards even make foreigners in Speedos use the nude beaches. On a couple of mission trips to Brazil and Norway, what I saw on billboards and television surely made Janet Jackson' half-time wardrobe malfunction look like a skit from Sesame Street!

I suppose the rest of this post will probably be more meaningful to the male readers who have had to cough for the doctor since they were 5-years-old. For the females, you can take a moment to join us males in the feeling of utter embarrassment we men are subjected to in the health care system.

My mother used to say, "be sure to wear clean underwear, you never know when you'll get in an accident and have to go to the hospital." In the midst of having a heart attack, I made sure to change up before being rushed to the ER. Like a teenager on their first date, I stood at the dresser trying to decide on what color and style I should be seen in. Then again, I was having chest pains, and wasn't all that sure they were going to look "down there." I chose the ones in the top of the drawer.

Off to surgery I went, and even under the influence of fentanyl, it mattered what was going on below my naked waistline. Part of it is a little foggy, but when I awoke, I discovered they had in fact shaved me; it wasn't a dream! There next to my bed,  along with my glasses and cell phone, lay my nice clean underwear neatly folded like Jesus' grave clothes.

My puritanical soul had been possessed.

For five days I tried to hold onto my dignity, but the problem was the dressing on the surgery "down there" had to be changed. You know, I think it would be a great idea if the cardio catheterization police used something other than the femoral artery - at least here in New England. I'm just saying.

You would think that after a week of being subjected to periodic inspections, I would deserve a long vacation from the underwear assaults. But no, I had to get an infection - yeah - I can't even bring myself to describe the location using medical terms. Though I'm more comfortable with the slang terms, I will refrain from using them as well. I am not even going to post a urogenital diagram, for which I only found one for a female hamster on Google images - which won't work. It might scare the children who read this blog from ever wanting a small furry pet.

The physical exam is embarrassing enough, and it doesn't matter what the doctor looks like, their tone of voice, there is just no comfort in having someone look. What I can says is this: If you thought full-body scanners at the airport were intrusive, you should thank your lucky stars you haven't had to receive an ultrasound of said body parts. Especially from a cute technician.

To use an old saw, "it's time to take the bull by the horns." We need to add an amendment to the health care bill. You must write your representatives demanding a bill to force health care workers to HEAT UP the DANG ULTRASOUND GEL! I guarantee you the cold stuff makes your navel pucker!

Thanks for the votes and comments. I am off to surgery Thursday morning for my knee, again parading around in next to nothing under the influence of drugs.

Real Short Cuts!

If you are new to My Fitness Pal, you may have already come across a few abbreviations and acronyms which are often used. For example. MFP is "My Fitness Pal." I have also found that there are a number of other uses for the cluster of consonants: "MFP", you can read those HERE.

My favorite is NSV which stands for "Non-Scale Victory." That would be something like your pants falling off while you are on the treadmill; after which you fall into the arms of a gorgeous human specimen. (Please post to YouTube if that happens!) The other one I see quite often is HRM for "Heart Rate Monitor." Men, I suggest you take this off when you are on a date with your significant other - err. "SO." If that thing goes off when the ex-Hooters waitress leans over to grind some fresh pepper on your salad, there will be some explaining to do.

And there is the lack luster WTG, "Way to Go". At first I thought it was a typo for WTF.

One of the terms I don't see used enough is TMI, for "Too Much Information." You can easily search the Forums for the names of body parts that were once called privates, or a the plethora of female issues, for which, there is way too much information.

It's taken me 6 months to get most of these standard terms down. I sort of like the short-cuts for common phrases now, they make me feel a little superior. I have made up a few of my own, although they will probably never catch on.

PE: Pathetic Effort

MVYF: My Vote, You Fail

DS: Diary Sucks

NDB: Not Done Blaming.

NDW: Not Done Whining.

TMS: Too Much Sodium (and it sounds too much like PMS for which there is TMI)

P: Too Much Water

NMF: Not My Fault (I am in denial)

IDDST: I Didn't Do S#1t Today.

NLW: No wonder you are NOT Losing Weight!

CDPT: Cheat Day, Pounds Tomorrow

IHAA: I Have All the Answers (But haven't lost a pound)

NFD: Not a Freakin' Doctor.

STFU: No One Cares What You Think.

NU: Nice Underwear

NM: Nice Muscles

SC: Serial Comenter

Care to share one of your own? 

Thanks for your votes and comments, I am always blown away by your support.

I am not responsible for wall posts if you decide to friend me.

10 Christmas Gifts that Would Suck!

vibrating weight loss machineI don't know about you, but some of the folks in my life are pretty aware of who I am, and what I like. They know my long time interests include: ice hockey, music, photography and Christianity. They find it easy to get me something at Guitar Center or Best Buy. They might even get me a pair of tickets to see the Bruins, but then they are afraid that I will ask them to come to the game. Needless to say, I haven't received Bruins tickets since 1975. As a family, we are not much for gift cards unless it is iTunes or a restaurant. However; I don't think the ex-fat man is going to get any gift certificates to Mickey D's this year.

The problem is when there is an apparent new interest. IE: Wight loss. I decided to make a list of what I don't want for gifts. Here is David's Top 10 Gifts that Would Suck List:

- Vintage Vibrating Weight Loss Machine: I can't imagine just standing there having my flab massaged at 120 beats per minute. With my luck it would just push it to some other unsightly location. (see photo)

- Yoga Mat: Mostly because they come in pink. Anything that has to be done on the floor that's good for you, should involve alcohol and/or a heart rate over 130. Besides, it's going to pick up all the dog hair and germs on the floor. Blech!

- Insta Slim Shirts: I am not really into clothing that crushes my diaphragm and causes my love handles to move up to my armpits. Worse is the one that pushes my back-lap up so that it looks like I have kidney stones the size of softballs. Shapewear is not not going to hide 20 or 30 pounds as well as Photoshop.

- Home Pole Dancing Kit: I am just not a dancer. And anything the elevates me above the floor more than a few inches increases the risk of bodily damage 10 fold. (Check Amazon!)

- Anti-Chafe Gel: I suppose it might be a stocking stuffer which is hidden under the nuts and apples.  How would someone know if I was having this problem anyway?

- Guy Girdles: It's the name. I am trying keep my man card.

- Weight Watchers Membership: That is on par with me saying to my wife, "Yes!" when she asks if she looks fat in a dress. Although I believe that anyone dumb enough to ask that question, is smart enough to know that answer. Besides, MFP is better, cheaper and cooler. Just sayin'.

- Oscar the Grouch Talking Scale: "What's wrong with you, it looks like the garbage you are eating is catching up with your "A" for a$$. Nobody wants to be taunted by a garbage eating puppet.

- Suzanne Somers’s Torso Track: Have you seen that thing? You could lose a body part - but that is not the sort of weight loss I am after.

Richard Simmons'  Workout DVDs: Well with the exception of his appearance on What's My Line with Drew Carey.

Tell us a gift you do not want to get for Christmas!

Thanks for the comments and votes. As always, your support is awesome.

A Day at the Gym with a Nerd

Non-scale victories are actually more important than the ones on the scale - well if you lose enough weight in the right places to make a difference. Today I have to admit, they are not always comfortable.

Last week I went out and bought some new clothes. You may have heard about me in line at airport security - me and my 40" waist pants, my 34" waist and the removal of my belt for an unsuspecting TSA agent. Long story short: Good morning, Boston!

If size matters, here is another NSV: I went from wearing 2XXL shirts to Large. For a little more comfort in the gym, I wear XL. Actually I am just cheap, and why get a nice new t-shirt smelling like BO? I have also been keeping up with my underwear collection ever since my hospitalization back in April. I decided not to go vintage just in case. God knows, I have had more health care workers view the unmentionables than any other person group on earth; the only possible exception being the passengers on flight 1024 to San Francisco a few weeks ago.

At our YMCA people pretty much dress like they are going to Wal-Mart followed by a dump run on Sunday morning. In spite of feeling the need to wear old t-shirts and torn sweat pants or spandex, I got a couple of new training suits.

I also bought a new pair of glasses. I am starting to feel better about myself, and the old horn rims from the 60's weren't doing it for me or anyone else I know. I'm no Drew Carey.

I am pretty comfortable with the David inside (read that perfect in my own eyes - right), and I thought I would like the outside to look good too.

Yesterday I got home and went to my room to change in to my new gym stuff. I am guy, so I took a moment to admire my new underwear in the mirror. Then I sucked it in and bent my arm in a bicep pose for the audience in my mind's eye; which incidentally, probably needs to be poked out. I pulled on my new sweats, a t-shirt, and a training jacket. I shoved my cell phone, my car keys with a gym pass, and my wallet in the front pockets; tied my sneakers and bounced down to stairs and out the door to the car.

It’s amazing what new underwear will do to a man.

I parked at the Y, put on my headphones, and made my way to the door under the street lights. Bouncing up a few more stairs I shoved my pass in front of the scanner. I was very much enjoying my musical cocoon as I rocked out to a CD I recorded with a friend this year. I walked in to the workout room, my head swaying to the rhythm. As I passed the floor-to-ceiling-mirror, I got a glimpse of what I first thought was a stranger. Then I realized it was my reflection. I let out a little girly scream and my man-card fell off my key ring!

I had forgotten to take the tags off my new duds. So, I pretended to trip, and making a coughing sound I tore the tags from the jacket. I stood up looking as normal as someone like myself can. Then nonchalantly I dropped them in trash. I thought: I hope no one has my fingerprints. When you are wearing headphones, it's hard to know what people saw.

I circled back pretending to look disgusted, like someone had taken my favorite treadmill, and stepped in front of the mirrors again. Hmm...

I hung up my jacket and headed for the treadmill. As I punched in data for my run, one of the trainers that I had for a weight loss class back in February came over to say how good I looked after losing all that weight.

I replied, "Thank you, I have new underwear on."

Thanks for the votes and comments.

You Might Be Overweight If...

My 8-year-old helps me answer my heart program questions on the terminal connected to the scale and blood pressure machine. The first thing that it does is tell me my weight, which; used to be 276. One night she said to me, "I don't know where all your fat is, but the lady (voice on the terminal) is still looking for it. Daddy, I don't like your fat."

I guess that is one way to see that you are making progress!

Here are 10 signs that you need MFP, and if you stick with it, your excess weight will be no where to be found.

You might be overweight if...

...Your navel makes an echo.

...Your Victoria's Secret pants say "Wide" instead of "Pink."

...You have your own ZIP code.

...Your scale says, "bad news" when you step on it.

...You haven't been selected for the new Jenny Craig commercial.

...You buy Devil Dogs in bulk.

...You can be seen from the space station.

...You think that Little Debbie Nutter Butters should count as protein bars.

...Your shadow weighs a hundred pounds.

...You go to the zoo and the elephants throw you peanuts.

...You lay on the beach and Greenpeace tries to push you back in the water.

Obesity is no laughing matter, but that doesn't preclude us from laughing at ourselves once in a while.

Thanks for the votes and comments! You guys and gals are terrific!

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