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Some Things I Have Learned About Life

This is a small collection of life lessons - well the ones that I could remember today. There are a lot of others in the file, the problem is getting them out.

- That even idiots think they are above average drivers.

- It sucks when you are in an argument and realize that you are wrong.

- Sarcasm is most useful when followed by a smiley. :)

- Folding fitted sheets is better left to professionals.

- Pretending to understand seems sufficient with most people.

- Forgetting is easier after 50 52.

- If you always put your keys in your left front pocket, when you lose them, first ask your spouse.

- I wish MapQuest had an option for avoiding bad neighborhoods.

- Never do anything you don't want to explain to the paramedics.

- The easiest way to find something lost around the house is to buy a replacement.

- Learning cursive writing was a waste of time and I would like my grades changed to Pass now that it is optional.

- Bad decisions often make good stories.

- Never put off till tomorrow what you can avoid doing all together.

- We never really grow up. We just learn how to act in public.

- You will never find anybody with a compelling reason for observing Daylight Saving Time.

- You should not confuse your career with your life.
- Losing weight is easier when you are young, but most folks can't imagine being 20 years older or 20 pounds heavier in front of a plate of cookies..
- The currency of good relationships is time together.

- No matter what happens, somebody will find a way to take it way too seriously.
Tell us about something that you have learned from life. 

Thanks in advance for the votes and comments, you are truly awesome supporters! And if I decide to do a TV show, I hope you are my first audience.

Top 10 Re-giftable Presents for the Big and Tall

Some people don't really know us well or were they too lazy to look at our Wish List online. The good news is they are smart enough to add a few Benjamins as a stocking-stuffer or in the annual Christmas card; even a gift card. Others, they are not so smart. They insist on buying us some sort of crap that is thoroughly useless, and probably can't be returned because they bought it at a close-out sale. And worse, they are insensitive to our propensity for food retention.

If you are of the big & tall variety, these are the Top 10 Christmas gifts you probably don't want to get.

- Rocking Horse

- Folding Chairs

- Shoes that Tie

- Size Small/4 Underwear

- Anything Spandex

- Case of Regular Coke

- Tightrope

- Thong

- Barbie Car

- Gift-card for KFC

Tell us, what is one present that you will be sure to re-gift if it shows up under your tree?

Thanks for the comments and votes, you are all very encouraging to me! I wish you all a joyous holiday season.

The Fine Art of Weighing In!

It can make you do the happy dance or make you wimper in defeat. Some call it a scale, others call it a &%$*@ liar. And yet it is more coveted than Woody Allen's orgasmatron in the movie Sleeper. As MFP-ers we have a love-hate relationship with it, and all for good reason, it has become the gauge of our success.

If you are like me, you have a scale ritual. It's like playing the roulette wheel as the adrenaline begins to flow. Honestly, how sick is that?

I was cured of being scale junky after my heart failure back in April. They had me weighing in 2 times a day and I still do. It's maddening to say the least.

Here are 10 tips for getting your scale to perform for you:

1. Go #1.

2. Go #2.

3. Batteries: Fresh batteries provide consistent results unless you have a mechanical scale. And don't use the hanging one it the produce aisle.

4. Morning: The body gains weight throughout the day as you eat, and it can be as much as 5 or 6 pounds (2-3 kilos). For the best results, before breakfast is usually the best time.

5. Consistancy: Just do it the same day and the same time each week. Look we all want to have scale victories but not weighing in because you had a bad food day or a pimple or whatever, is not an excuse.

6. Body Fluids: Yep, if you are desperate for a loss, clean your ears, blow your nose, spit etc. Might as well get a haircut and clip your nails too.

7: Take a Hot Shower: You may sweat a few ounces, and at the very least, you'll feel better.

8: Dress: Obviously naked is the best - well as long as you are not using the gym scale in the workout room. Try to wear the same exact same thing each time.

9: Post Workout: You'll sweat during your workout, so why not wait until after?

10: Measurements: If you are going from little or no exercise to 3 or more workouts each week, your body will change. Be sure to take all your measurements each month. And when the scale doesn't budge, you'll have victory anyway! Did you know that circuit training can add 3-10 pounds of muscle in a few short months? Especially the first month. The muscle, according to experts acts like a sponge and retains water; as much as 5 to possibly even 10 pounds!

Look, there is no substitute for regular exercise and a healthy diet (what you eat, not what you do). If you can make the time to do at least 20 minutes of brisk walking/jogging/running/biking and 10 minutes of strength training 3 times each week along with watching the calories, you'll be amazed at how nice the scale can be to you.

Remember, if you are overweight or obese, food retention is your problem! Losing weight is mostly about calories consumed!
Thanks for the votes and comments, you guys are always so supportive!

Top Turkeys for 2011 - My Picks

It's Black Friday and I have to work - so I decided to pick some low hanging fruit out of this year's headlines. In no particular order, here is my list of turkeys for 2011. It's nothing personal, it's just that they made the news and caused me to shake my head in disbelief.

- Kim Kardashian:
If you are going to have a starter marriage, I think it should last like 6 months at least. In Kardashian years I have been married 45.625 years - I guess that is better than 45.1 dog years.

- Lindsay Lohan: Ms. Lohan should be the top contestant on the game show: I'd Like to Buy A Clue. Apparently there is something she isn't getting about life.

- Charlie Sheen: I think you need to join the cast of 3 Men and  Baby - as the baby.

- Canucks Fans: You lose a game in which your goal tender sucked, and then you light the city on fire? Brilliant.

- Joe Paterno: I am going to find it really hard to not wish a for pigeon poop on your statue.

- NBA: I am glad my kids don't look up to any of you!

- The Red Sox: The most amazing melt down!

- The Mayans: If you can predict the end of the world, why couldn't you predict your own demise?

- Muammar Gaddafi: Well, finally - hey you've been an idiot for almost my entire lifetime. What did you think was going to happen?

Government and Politics:
- The US Congress Super Committee: Just like Kindergartners fighting over a toy. Pretty soon you will have no approval rating at all.

- Rick Perry: Ummm, presidential candidates need to debate, I'm just sayin' - it's part of the job description.

- Barak Obama: We need jobs, and you are pardoning a turkey. Oh, and thanks for the birth certificate.

- Occupy Wall Street: You started with a great message which resonated with the American public, and then the violence started. I am just wondering why you don't run a candidate? The Taxed Enough Already (TEA) party is now more popular than you are...

- Donald Trump: Mostly because of the hair, but also because you are annoying.

- Casey Anthony Jury: What were you doing in there for six weeks, waiting for a book deal?

OK, who did I miss?

Why am I Thankful? Here's the Real Deal

On Monday, April 4th I was admitted to the Heart Trauma Center with congestive heart failure. You can read that story HERE.
I know that I joke around a lot - but today, I am truly thankful for a day I might not have had. 

On Tuesday my pastor drove down to visit me. I was on 12 liters of oxygen per hour. Daryl and I had a nice chat, and he prayed for me just before he left. As he prayed I could feel the anointing of God and I had a picture (internal vision) in my spirit. It was my heart and swirling around it were my heart enzymes. In that still small voice I heard the Lord say, "You will completely recover." I shared it with Daryl and he agreed, "I am not worried" he said.

I made tremendous progress that day. My ejection fraction went from the 20s to the high 30s!

Five days later I was home, although I went back the following day due to chest pain; I was released after a few hours.

Nearly a month passed and I was recovering at home; resting, exercising, and eating right. One Sunday morning I got up and was heading for the YMCA to do my tri-weekly mile on the treadmill. It was 5 minutes to nine, the Mother's Day breakfast in bed was a success, and I wanted to get to the local church for the 10:30 service. I heard the Lord prompt me, "Go to the 9 o'clock service." I swapped my sweat pants for a pair of jeans and headed to the Vineyard.

I sat through the acoustic worship followed by a sermon on forgiveness - you know, the f-bomb - both were introspective. I was in the lobby getting ready to leave and one of the elders gave a word of knowledge. "There is someone here this morning with a weak heart which I believe God wants to heal." I didn't even hear him, but a woman that I know came and got me. I went up for prayer. There were only about 20 people there that morning, and it appeared that God had a plan for David!

A few days later I sat in the cardiologist’s office. I could hear the nurse whispering to an aide. "Oh my God!" At first I thought something was wrong. I later found out that she had been comparing my EKG from the day I was admitted to the ICU to the one from my appointment that day, and there was a drastic difference! The cardiologist confirmed it with my echo-cardiogram saying that my heart function was now completely normal!

In fact, I went for my 6 month check up a few days ago and he said not only was my heart completely normal, but that I had made a full recovery.

Today I am thankful for life itself.

What are you thankful for?

Before You Eat Tomorrow, Remember This...

Tomorrow begins the holiday Bermuda Triangle. Before you don your stretch pants and put on a double layer of underwear, you need to think about a few things like calories and portion sizes! Then you can start making up snarky comebacks for insensitive relatives or use MINE.

Here are a couple of motivators for you.

Turkey Baked with Skin 6oz. = 354 calories
Stuffing 1 cup = 360 calories
Mashed Potatoes with Gravy 6oz =  382 calories
Green Bean with Butter 1/2 cup =  40 calories
Cranberry Sauce 1/4 cup = 110 calories
Creamed Pearl Onions 1/2 cup = 60 calories
Butternut Squash 1 cup = 84 calories
Small Salad with Ranch = 370 calories
Pumpkin Pie 1 slice = 290 calories
Pecan Pie 1 slice = 390 calories
Apple Pie 1 slice = 370 calories
Red Wine 5oz = 120 calories
Beer (Lite) 12oz = 110 calories

20 minute walk at 3.0 MPH = 106 calories
40 minute walk at 3.0 MPH = 212 calories

Tell us one thing you are eating, and how many calories it is? 

Have wonderful holiday! I will be back on Sunday.

Why I Am Not Cooking Thanksgiving Dinner!

We are hitting a local restaurant because my wife is working pet sitting, both of her parents have had surgeries and are not going to do it either... and the last time I did Thanksgiving dinner with Mary Anne, I welded the potato pot to the stove, setting off the fire alarm. Then I forgot to open the flu in the fireplace setting off the carbon monoxide detectors which made the Akitas bark and howl. So we opened the doors and everyone was freezing. Oh, and Joan was late as usual, but there was no cell signal so she couldn't call us.

I guess it wasn't that bad, her dad let me marry her.

We will all be thankful for the restaurant. And here are a few more things I am thankful for...

...that you can't smell computer images.

...the my name is David and not Justin Bieber; you little stud.

...Vegetarians. It's more meat for the rest of us.

...Unanswered prayers. Especially what's-her-name I met at the bar in '79.

...that there's an exhaust fan in the bathroom.

...for my thumbs which I used ever since I got them.

...for Lady Gaga's household product outfits. I love red meat.

...Rock 'n Roll.

...people who have the wrong politics. Just kidding.

...that the  ambulance is still faster then a pizza delivery.

...that psychics don't win lotteries any more often than I do.

...when cows laugh milk doesn't come out their noses.

...that I can buy spring water all year 'round.

...that all the words in the dictionary are correctly spelled.

Tell us what you are thankful for. 

Thanks for all the votes and comments; with 4 in the Top Blog list this week, I am amazed at your support.

If you believe in God, be blessed, if not Happy Thanksgiving. And if you are not from the US, get to the gym, will ya! David

Body Parts You Can Live Without!

Being overweight like I was, is unhealthy and dangerous. Now that I am on the journey, I have had a few body parts disappear altogether.

You might have heard a few of these before, but it's worth mentioning them again. When our body parts become infused with fat cells, they change shape, and some times usage.

- Spare Tire: The obvious protruding belly. The problem is that for some of us, it's a spare tire for a Boeing 747 jetliner.

- Love Handles: This is the fat around the kidney area which keeps us from escaping a hormone fueled mate or attack dog.
- Prayer Shelf: A belly large enough to fold your hands and rest them comfortably on when you sit.

- Double Bubbles: Men or woman with two boob bumps from wearing a bra that is 2 sizes two small.

- Groin Blobs: Genital covering to protect us from 3-foot-two-inch children. Just above the chub rub.

- Arm Danglers: Sometimes known as the reverse biceps.

- Expansion Tank: The are fat blobs that seem to show up in unusual places - if you have them, you know what I am talking about.

- Ring Roll: The little rolls that keep your rings so secure they can't be removed. The up side is you can't lose them in the garbage disposal.

- Intake Port: Your mouth. When you change your relationship with food, it becomes a way to savor good food and enjoy it.

- Trailer Brakes: The fat on your backside that hangs over the chair edge so you don't slide out.

- Man Boobs: Boobs on a man.

- Chin Coaster: 2 or more chins.

- Cankles: Calves and ankles combined.
- Pants Pockets: They look like pockets when you are not wearing pants. It they get strectch marks, they are zippered pockets.

- Cup Holder: A navel vortex. Mine could have easily held a double shot glass.

- Talons: Unclipped toenails because you haven't seen them for a few years.

- Fat Fingers: Used for typing 2 or 3 keys at a time.

- Muffin Tops: A blend of belly and hip fat created by tight waist-ed pants or belts.
- Junk in the Trunk: Just means it's a bad idea to wear a thong.

It's OK to laugh at yourself. If you are new on MFP, these are the body parts that can be amputated by proper diet and exercise. In my case it took a serious illness; now I am working with a doctor, a cardiologist and a nutritionist to get my health in order. I could not do it on my own.

For those of you that have lost some weight, you know what I'm talking about.

Thanks for the votes and comments.

Rules for Accepting MFP Friends Are Essential!

I can't believe that friend requests are so much trouble for some people here on MFP. I read profiles with all sorts of rules. For example: I don't accept friend requests after 6 pm, when I am picking my nose, or on Tuesday. What is Tuesday, you're cheat day? And how many calories are you logging those boogers as? 

So I decided to write my own.

I don't accept friend requests from...

-1 ...naked woman. If I do, it's because I don't like you. My wife creeps my account, and when she sees you, watch out - and be sure to wear safety goggles. My friend _David_ was the only exception to the rule; the dude is just funny in a Texas sort of way.

-2 ...idiots. Look it up if you need too.

-3 ...users whose profiles say, "I am not logging because I am not ready to and I also like pink unicorns." As my friend AnnaBell likes to say: "see you at the funeral."

-4 ...people that have Charlie Sheen as a profile pic. Cocaine, it's not good for you even if you do laugh a lot and lose weight. MFP has the same effect!

-5 ...who's user name is WTG. Think about it, WTG said "WTG" who replied to WTG, who said "WTG." In software we call this an endless loop. WTF is already taken; try WhosTheFriend.

-6 ...people that have a lot of cats. I am allergic to them.

-7 ...skinny people that are only trying to lose 1 pound a year. Really, there is a site for people like you: 

-8 ...people trying to sell me diets. I have a 6-figure income (if you include cents), and it's not enough.

-9 ...trolls that are here to gain weight.

-10 ...people that have not logged-in, in the last 30 days. (Think about it, you'll get it.)

I do accept friend requests... from everyone else.

I have yet to delete a friend, but I reserve the right to.

Thanks for the votes and comments.

Friend me if you like.

Awkward Moments...

Let's face it, we all do some awkward stuff. It happens on MFP, in restaurants, at work, and well, life in general. In fact, I still cringe at some embarrassing things that I have said and done decades ago. I am looking forward to a life of dimensia.

Here are some that finally make me laugh a little - and mostly because they happened to someone else!

Harleigh67 - here's to you for me making think about all this stuff.

The awkward moment when...

... the chair farts and everyone thinks it's you.

... you can't seem to find a nice way to tell the waitress she talks too much. (Aren't you glad they don't sit with you at Outback anymore?)

... you are just about to say something, and a microscopic spit geyser erupts hitting the person you are talking to on the chest.

... you click the "Delete Comment" link on MFP, thinking it is the "Like" button on Facebook.

... you realize your cell phone is not on silent in church. Now everyone knows that your ringtone is Crazy Train.

... you have been talking to your co-worker at their desk, and discover that your zipper is down when you return to yours.

... you correct someone's spelling on an MFP post, and make a mistake in your correction.

... you discover that your kids already know the word that you've spelled thinking they wouldn't know it.

... you see a woman with a tag sticking up, and your impulse is to fix it.

... someone tags the worst picture of you on Facebook.

... you discover you've booked the wrong week for your vacation plans.

... the doctor leaves the room while you get undressed, and then comes back to examine your privates.

... you accidentally set your alarm and it's a Saturday you are not working, but now the whole house is up.

... you get an angry phone call from the person you just texted because they didn't read it all the way to the smiley.

... you order breakfast with eggs, pancakes, sausage, bacon, ham, milk, orange juice, toast, coffee and a fruit cup, when the waitress says, "we're only serving lunch now."

... you cut someone off on the way to work, only to find out you have to ride the elevator with them to the office.

... you are just about to ask for the check after making your calorie goal, and some skinnyass orders a desert.

... your date orders the $49 Surf & Turf instead of one of the specials you talked about. (She's no good for you anyway!)

... your date's credit card and debit card are both declined at dinner. (He's no good for you anyway!)

... you yank on the door at the bank, and realize it's a holiday you don't get off.

 Thanks for the votes and comments! Friend me if you like...

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