Woman actually would be more prone to enjoying sports events if their S/O would answer a few questions in the proper tone of voice. Just sayin', boys.

A family friend is going to her first professional hockey game this week. I saw her post on Facebook asking what to wear, and saying that she had no clue what the game was about (of course she is not Canadian!). Having counseled a few woman over the past 40+ years, I feel qualified to answer questions about the game. Here's what woman always want to know about hockey.

If you don't know anything about hockey, watch this 3 minute video!

Pre-Game:
Players: Hopefully you have practiced pronouncing the French Canadian, Swedish, Russian and Finnish names for the team you are going to root for. There are CD sets you can listen too in the car on the way to work. Or you can watch the NHL Channel on cable and the Internet.

What to Wear: Skip the chemise or save it for later. Try a hockey jersey for the team your man wants to win - rooting for the blue team because it's your favorite color is only going to cause some friction. Tip: All that cheering from the couch in the den? Take a quick look as you deliver him a beer; the team name is sure to be there on the screen. They are available at Walmart. (My wife says that she can hear the neighbor cheering at the same time I do, so maybe ask the neighbor if it is a surprise.)

At the Rink:
Teeth: Whatever you do, do not mention missing teeth! You will find out soon enough why they are so common.

The Black Thingy: This is called a puck. It weighs 5.5 - 6 ounces. At over 100 miles per hour, it hurts enough to cause some cussing.

The Cage: It is called a net, but close! If the black thingy enters the net, it is called a goal. Men get excited about goals! Woman often think it is good for men to put away their toys, and ask why not put everything in the net. The net is for the puck.

The Wooden Thingy: This is a hockey stick, it use poke, whack, and crack the head of opposing players. Men find this very exciting. It is sometimes used to put the black thingy in the net.

Catcher: This is the goalie, and his job is to stop the puck from going in the net and crack the ankles of opposing players with the big stick when they stand on the blue paint; which is called a crease.

Yelling: Cheering, it is what men do. Why? It is a secret that cannot be revealed to the woman even on our death bed.

Smashing: This is called body checking. It is when a player slams into another player at 30 miles per hour. Men also find this exciting. Woman think it's violent. Woman should note that men made "cups" to protect their privates long before they used helmets in hockey.

Hitting: This is fighting for which there doesn't need to be a reason. Testosterone runs rampant in the cooler atmosphere near the ice. and is a possible cause.

Sitting Alone: This is called a penalty. There are lots of reasons for this. Consider it a time out for bad behavior. They get time outs for whacking, cracking, poking, tripping, fighting and smacking opposing players.

Inning: This is called a period. It is the interval of time in which the team plays; each lasting 20 minutes. There are three in a game. This is much different than once a month for 3 days.

Fire Horn: This is called a buzzer, and you do not need to leave the arena. It signals the end of a period or a score. Even if it were a fire, there is more than enough beer to put it out.

Pretty Stripes: These are called lines. The red line is at half ice, and the blue lines determine each team's zone. Everyone has to go into the zone after the puck is in it. Think, stay out of the kitchen unless you are clearing the table.

Blood: See Teeth above.

Truck Thing: No, it is not leaking gas. That is hot water, and it is called a Zamboni. It refinishes the ice. Think, shampoo the carpets. This is in lieu of the half-time act which you may have learned was ruined by Janet Jackson. That is why there are 3 periods and not four.

Thanks for the comments and votes. Football and Baseball coming soon!

Oh, and thank God for those of you who are already hockey fans!