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What I Don't Want for Christmas!

vibrating weight loss machineI don't know about you, but some of the folks in my life are pretty aware of who I am, and what I like. They know my long time interests include: ice hockey, music, shooting, photography and Christianity. They find it easy to get me something at Guitar Center or Best Buy. They might even get me a pair of tickets to see the Bruins, but then they are afraid that I will ask them to come to the game. Needless to say, I haven't received Bruins tickets since 1975. I am not much for gift cards unless it is iTunes or a restaurant. However; I don't think the ex-fat man is going to get any gift certificates to Mickey D's this year.

The problem is when there is an apparent new interest. IE: Wight loss. I decided to make a list of what I don't want for gifts. Here is David's Top 10 Gifts that Would Suck List:

- Vintage Vibrating Weight Loss Machine: I can't imagine just standing there having my flab massaged at 120 beats per minute. With my luck it would just push it to some other unsightly location. (see photo)

- Yoga Mat: Mostly because they come in pink. Anything that has to be done on the floor that's good for you, should involve alcohol and/or a heart rate over 130. Besides, it's going to pick up all the dog hair and germs on the floor. Blech!

- Insta Slim Shirts: I am not really into clothing that crushes my diaphragm and causes my love handles to move up to my armpits. Worse is the one that pushes my back-lap up so that it looks like I have kidney stones the size of softballs. Shapewear is not not going to hide 20 or 30 pounds as well as Photoshop.

- Home Pole Dancing Kit: I am just not a dancer. And anything the elevates me above the floor more than a few inches increases the risk of bodily damage 10 fold. (Check Amazon!)

- BodyGlide Anti-Chafe Gel: I suppose it might be a stocking stuffer which is hidden under the nuts and apples.  How would someone know if I was having this problem anyway?

- Guy Girdles: It's the name. I am trying keep my man card.

- Weight Watchers Membership: That is on par with me saying to my girlfriend, "Yes!" when she asks if she looks fat in a dress. Although I believe that anyone dumb enough to ask that question, is smart enough to know that answer. Besides, MFP is better, cheaper and cooler. Just sayin'.

- Oscar the Grouch Talking Scale: "What's wrong with you, it looks like the garbage you are eating is catching up with your "A" for a$$. Nobody wants to be taunted by a garbage eating puppet.

- Suzanne Somers’s Torso Track: Have you seen that thing? You could lose a body part - but that is not the sort of weight loss I am after.

- Richard Simmons'  Workout DVDs: Well with the exception of his appearance on What's My Line with Drew Carey.

Tell us a gift you do not want to get for Christmas!

Thanks for the comments and votes. As always, your support is awesome. Freind requests accepted.

37 votes + -

10 comments:

MarkaStone wrote 66 months ago:
I can remember one of my grandparents having one of those machines when I was a kid.
eIIekay wrote 66 months ago:
Do they really make all of those things? I feel so sheltered! Thanks for the morning laughs :)
ILoveGingerNut wrote 66 months ago:
Last year I have received a pair of gloves. Worst.gift.ever. Latest addition on a list of shower gels and cheap candles.
opalescence wrote 66 months ago:
I about died watching Richard Simmons cameo on Who's line is it... I fell out in the floor hysterical from laughter.

Good Blog!!

I would like to add I don't want any extra poundage this Christmas!
Buttons61 wrote 66 months ago:
So funny, and so true! You may want a Richard Simmons tape! Have you seen the resale value? LOL! Please do not give me a Visa gift card. No one wants to redeem them, except Walmart, and I can only go to them on days when I feel up to walking 2 football fields! (Hey, I'm getting old!). One man's trash is another's treasure? Freezing in sunny Alabama. I will take ILoveGingerNut's gloves as a recycled gift! Great blog!
rstanford3 wrote 66 months ago:
Thank you for much for mentioning Richard Simmon's appearance on Whose Line. I had never seen that episode, but I laughed so hard that my abdominal muscles hurt. Does that count as a workout?
cosmonew wrote 66 months ago:
haha...my grandma had that machine too, we never saw her use it but we played with it alot.
I didn't want a box of chocolates and thankfully I didn't get them.
joezmom13 wrote 66 months ago:
Now I have to go search out the richard simmons clip on who's line is it anyway. Thanx. ;-)

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