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Weight Loss, the New Religion

Since the beginning, mankind and their various religions have often turned the world upside down. Everyone has an opinion about unseen - whether it's good, bad, or somewhere in between. They worship, they teach, they hope, they pray, and they even spread the word about their personal enlightenment.

Folks can be just as religious about weight loss!

That's right, some of us have become enlightened and now everyone needs to become like us! What, you don't believe me? Here are the basic constructs of religion.

Belief in Supernatural Being, Deity or Absolute: Weight-losers believe that the calories are supernatural. Then sneak in at night and shrink your clothes and meddle with the zero balance on your scale.

Sacred and Profane Objects: Sacred objects include the scale, skinny jeans and sometimes the tape measure. The profane; chocolate, ice cream, donuts, wings, and pizza.

Moral Code: You must eat clean, lift heavy, do intervals, run in Vibrams, or zip your pants. There are many factions. Not all of them agree.

Religious Feelings: I ate donut, I feel fat. I ate a salad I feel skinny. I ran a marathon and I am sore. I am tempted by food. I mean, if a little wine for communion is good, then a whole bottle must be better!

Prayer: There are rote prayers like the names we call the scale. It's a universal language. Then there is the second donut prayer and the skipped my workout prayer before ascending to the Altar of Poundage. (I heard the Brits get stoned there.)

A World View: Our world is about weight and rarely about fitness. We have a hard time seeing ourselves as we really are. We say it's OK to have curves and type II diabetes. But then we hit a goal or two and sanity clears our vision.

Intolerance: Skinny people make us angry enough to trip them on the escalator at the mall.

Divine Destiny: We dream of the afterlife of being sexy and skinny somewhere in life. The truth is for most of us, our last chance to have a hot smoking body is cremation.

Problem of Evil Explained: We know about sugar, Aspartame and GMO's, just ask us!

A Social Group Bound Together: Umm, we are here on MFP.

Belief in a Sacred Scripture: Fad diets are everywhere, but heretics like me have written their own missal.
 
Capital Fundraisers: Things like getting 10,000 steps, walking 100 miles in a month, and the sugar free challenge. 
 
Rituals: Scale worship is like daily vespers. Then there is something akin to high mass like cheat days after 40 days of fasting and colon cleansing. Most agree that we need to give our old unhealthy lifestyle whatever the appropriate burial ritual is. 

Thanks for reading along. I appreciate the votes and comments.

51 votes + -

25 comments:

aliciaaw wrote 55 months ago:
As always I enjoy your blogs.
luluinca wrote 55 months ago:
So much LOL on the hot smoking body!
pizzafruit wrote 55 months ago:
I love it! For a few moments I was in the 6th pew, 4th student in and celebrating daily Mass before the start of the school day. That ritual is long gone and thanks to you - amen! I believe!!
Leahbcc wrote 55 months ago:
LOVE IT!
minstrelofsarcasm wrote 55 months ago:
Finally, I can tell my parents I'm attending church.
zimfour wrote 55 months ago:
Do you mind if I copy and paste to my FB page, I will credit you for the content.
dsjohndrow wrote 55 months ago:
Just use the link. :)
wandalugaro wrote 55 months ago:
Divine Destiny: We dream of the afterlife of being sexy and skinny somewhere in life. The truth is for most of us, our last chance to have a hot smoking body is cremation.
You make me laugh-LOL
LeeshaSeal wrote 55 months ago:
So funny and witty! I love the Morale Code. And yes, Divine Destiny was the icing.
emmalena0626 wrote 55 months ago:
Love it!! LOL thanks for the humor is our diet At least its calorie free LOL
jearl0810 wrote 55 months ago:
Why is it every time a title looks interesting enough for me to click on you happened to write it? Coincidence? I think not. Great read.
SassyCookieMe wrote 55 months ago:
So insightful of human nature.....reminds of the the ex-smoker who is worst than the person who never smoked a day....in their criticism of smoking. You really hit the nail on the head with how overcome with rightness a person can become when they are on a self improvement journey..
peachplace wrote 55 months ago:
OMG thanks for the laugh!! Its great cause there is so much truth in your post and yet you also found the humor in it!! thanks for making me feel like its all going to be ok!
gshilamadhuri wrote 55 months ago:
Devine Destiny made me laugh it aloud...So so... true.
Gretaholden1 wrote 55 months ago:
Over the years I have been to heaven and hell numerous times. I am back, but unlike my religion I am not sure if the current journey is heaven or hell.
Anonymous wrote 54 months ago:
It is agreat post, to move to the next level click here http://bit.ly/2sNFAlu
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Anonymous wrote 29 months ago:
I am very happy today with my family. My name is lisa tommy living in USA, My husband left me for a good 3 years now, and i love him so much, i have been looking for a way to get him back since then. i have tried many options but he did not come back, until i met a friend that darted me to Dr.Jato a spell caster, who helped me to bring back my husband after 2 weeks. Me and my husband are living happily together today, That man is great, you can contact him via email jatolovespell@gmail.com Now i will advice any serious persons that found themselves in this kind of problem to contact him now a fast solution without stress.. He always hello, now i call him my father.contact him now he is always online email (jatolovespell@gmail.com) or contact him on his whatsapp mobile line +2348140033827..
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Anonymous wrote 25 months ago:
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 I am overjoyed because my prayers have finally been answered,i have always wished to have my ex husband back,because i wanted my family to be happy again, until i met DR JUMBA who solved my problems for me, and i am sharing this testimony because i believe they are people out there who need solutions to problems like this. When my ex husband left me I was very much devastated and I always wanted back and it got to a period I no longer wanted him back again. After 7 years, my first son was 12 years old, he came home from school and said he was missing his father and all the love he showed when he was around him. The feeling rushed through me like an emotional straining and I had a huge urge to have him back. What happened to us that we separated was what I couldn't think of what started the fight. I contacted DR JUMBA online after reading about him of how he has been helping other people with their problems. I contacted his email at wiccalovespelltools@gmail.com and I was able to speak with him. I am happy and very overjoyed that after 7 years, all I wanted was to be reunited with my family and make my life whole again. Thank God for this great and real spell caster DR JUMBA. and i want everyone who have same problem as i had to contact this great man at (wiccalovespelltools@gmail.com)or you can add him up on his whatsapp via +19085174108 , website : drjumbaspellhome.wordpress.com
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Anonymous wrote 2 months ago:
I suffered from what they called peripheral artery disease (PAD). I have been suffering for years, Me and my wife searched for a medical cure, and then we came across a testimony of a man who suffered the same and was cured by Dr Chief Lucky. So my wife and I contacted Dr Chief Lucky via an email and thank God he replied. I explained what was wrong and he sent me herbal medicines that helped heal me completely. I am happy to say that herbal medicine is the ultimate and Dr Chief Lucky I am grateful. You can contact him on his email: chiefdrlucky@gmail.com or whatsapp: +2348132777335, Facebook page http://facebook.com/chiefdrlucky or website https://chiefdrlucky.com/. He said that he also specializes in the following diseases: LUPUS, ALS, CANCER, HPV, HERPES, DIABETES, HEPATITIS B, HIV AIDS, And more.

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