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Weight Loss is a Religion

Since the beginning, mankind and their various religions have often turned the world upside down. Everyone has an opinion about unseen - whether it's good, bad, or somewhere in between. They worship, they teach, they hope, they pray, and they even spread the word about their personal enlightenment.

Folks can be just as religious about weight loss!

That's right, some of us have become enlightened and now everyone needs to become like us! What, you don't believe me? Here are the basics constructs of religion.

Belief in Supernatural Being, Deity or Absolute: Weight-losers believe that the calories are supernatural. Then sneak in at night and shrink your clothes and meddle with the zero balance on the scale.

Sacred and Profane Objects: Sacred objects include the scale, skinny jeans and sometimes the tape measure. The profane; chocolate, ice cream, donuts, wings and pizza.

Moral Code: You must eat clean, lift heavy, do intervals, run in Vibrams, or zip your pants. There are many factions. Many of them don't agree.

Religious Feelings: I ate donut, I feel fat. I ate a salad I feel skinny. I ran a marathon and I am sore. I am tempted by food. I mean, if a little wine for communion is good, then a whole bottle must be better.

Prayer: There are rote prayers like the names we call the scale. It's a universal language. Then there is the second donut prayer and the skipped my workout prayer before ascending to the Altar of Poundage. (I heard the Brits get stoned there.)

A World View: Our world is about weight and rarely about fitness. We have a hard time seeing ourselves as we really are. We say it's OK to have curves and type II diabetes. But then we hit a goal or two and sanity clears our vision.

Intolerance: Skinny people make us angry enough to trip them on the escalator at the mall.

Divine Destiny: We dream of the afterlife of being sexy and skinny somewhere in life. The truth is for most of us, our last chance to have a hot smoking body is cremation.

Problem of Evil Explained: We know about sugar, Aspartame and GMO's, just ask us!

A Social Group Bound Together: Umm, we are here on MFP.

Belief in a Sacred Scripture: Fad diets are everywhere, but heretics like me have written their own missal.
Capital Fundraisers: Things like walking 100 miles in a month and the sugar free challenge. 
Rituals: Scale worship is like daily vespers. Then there is something akin to high mass like cheat days after 40 days of fasting and colon cleansing. Most agree that we need to give our old unhealthy lifestyle whatever the appropriate burial ritual is. 

Thanks for reading along. I appreciate the votes and comments.

73 votes + -


vishalb08 wrote 61 months ago:
I never actually visualized these things the way you have explained.
Though your manner is humorous, there is a sarcastic tone too.
"DIVINE DESTINY" : Loved it. For some of us, its time to accept that we will never be skinny. Our aim should be to be FIT.
Anyways, love you writing.
Humor + Sarcasm + Content = Great reading.
BusyMomma_RH wrote 61 months ago:
So true!
pattymason7 wrote 60 months ago:
And then there is St.Margaret of Cortona,for those struggling with weight related issues to help with
kdavid1987 wrote 60 months ago:
This made me LOL! Thanks for the good humor, hope you are doing well :)
Laura80111 wrote 60 months ago:
You have a very creative mind and I love reading your blog.
KerryHalter wrote 60 months ago:
You forgot confession!!!! Lol, how many times has someone said " oh I was so bad....I just have to confess I broke diet, ate a donut, pigged out, drank a beer, half a pizza etc etc"

and then some kind friend gives them penance and absolution, " it's okay, just drink tons and tons of water today and run three extra miles and get right back on track!!!"
marlown wrote 60 months ago:
Yep, Kerry. Confession is a good one. Altar of Poundage cracked me up. Brits get stoned, as in with rocks, or smoking a little funny grass. Either would be appropriate. Lol. Thanks for your clever humor and inspiration to continue the journey for as long as we have breath, and we're trying to keep that going as long as possible. Hope all is well!
OnthatStuff wrote 60 months ago:
*raising hand* ... a proud member of the Church of Gainz over here.
KiKiWoods wrote 60 months ago:
THANK YOU!! I needed that truthful laugh today! What made me laugh out loud? :~)

Divine Destiny: We dream of the afterlife of being sexy and skinny somewhere in life. The truth is for most of us, our last chance to have a hot smoking body is cremation.
PapaJay357 wrote 60 months ago:
HappyAnna2014 wrote 60 months ago:
I loved this!
catincradel wrote 60 months ago:
Just a reminder not to take ourselves so seriously. This is a journey not a destination. We need humor in our lives as much as we do food. Thanks for making me laugh today.
Anniepi66 wrote 60 months ago:
Truth with a dose of humor! Always enjoy reading your blogs!
arrghmatey1 wrote 60 months ago:
Umino Nabisco Fig Newton .....

For your sacrilege my son thou shalt perform 20 HIT's in rapid succession and then ascend and beg for forgiveness upon the Altar of Poundage...

Thus sayth the Congregation of the Enlightened who eat clean with every bite and lay down in green pastures wearing their Skinny Jeans...
bdo7 wrote 60 months ago:
"I heard the Brits get stoned there." Hahahaha! I got that. (For those who didn't, "stone" is an archaic unit of weight once commonly used in Britain, equal to 14 pounds.)

I always enjoy your blogs. Thank you for taking the time to share your brain meats with the rest of us!
HDBKLM wrote 60 months ago:
Amen ;)
gin_rummy wrote 60 months ago:
"I heard the Brits get stoned there." Love it.

Not archaic, still completely true! Most of us convert to pounds to post on MFP but it's part of the same system.

16 drams = 1 ounce
16 ounces = 1 pound
14 pounds = 1 stone
112 pounds or 8 stone = 1 hundredweight (this is actually my initial weight loss goal!)
2240 pounds or 20 hundredweight = 1 ton

Don't ask us what we weigh in kilograms. Have to be a real hardcore fitness type to know that!
runningforthetrain wrote 60 months ago:
Hilarious! What a great way to start the day. Thank you for your writing. Thinking of your health struggles and praying for you xxoo
Itisneeded wrote 60 months ago:
I learned a lot from this. Really never knew that about religion. Makes sense though. That was great imagery, thanks!:) You write interesting pieces, I must say.
HildieMe wrote 60 months ago:
Love it! Religion taken to its logical extreme... kind of like the "Church of the Flying Spaghetti Monster" (it's a real thing, Google it!). I like the additions, too, especially the confessions - LOL!

We only need a symbol, or icon, to hang around our neck and put on our bumpers, like the cross or the fish - a scale comes to mind, but the modern kind doesn't look like much. The old-fashioned one is taken up by Justice.

Any graphic designers out there? Or should we have a secret hand shake/finger sign? ?

I'll include you in my daily prayers to the scale. Have a skinny day.
Itisneeded wrote 60 months ago:
JohnnyLowCarb wrote 60 months ago:
Yeah this made me laugh too - a joke for sure!
Levi_Hansen wrote 60 months ago:
Great blog entry, I really liked it! It wasn't mentioned but I've also noticed a strong spiritual overlap with fasting.
CATCLK wrote 60 months ago:
A "MERRY HEART" is great medicine! Loved the hilarious insight given ("smokin hot"). Inspirational as well as phenomenal sense of humor and believing for a "MIRACLE" too!;D Blessings/Best - CATK

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