Posted on 3/26/2019 by dsjohndrow
I had planned on Tweeting my surgery yesterday, but Nurse Ratched took away my smart phone. Here is what I would have said in 140 characters or less. 6:15 am dsjohndrow: Up, no coffee, no breakfast, blood pressure 160/102. Time for a shower and the battery acid shower scrub. No coffee! #RatherBeInBed 6:16 am dsjohndrow: No coffee, no damn coffee! #NeedCoffee 6:16 am dsjohndrow: No coffee, just no damn coffee! #INeedTheDamnCoffee 6:44 am dsjohndrow: Hospital just called to say they could take me early. #RockNRollTime 6:45 am dsjohndrow: Mike won't have to take me to the hospital. 6:46 am dsjohndrow: That coffee smells good, Ruth. #INeedTheEffingCoffee 7:10 am dsjohndrow: Ruth drops me at the front door. I mouth "I love you." and blow her a kiss. 7:14 am dsjohndrow: What's you date of birth? #HereWeGo 7:15 am dsjohndrow: What's you date of birth? Did the other lady forget to put in there? #HereWeGo 7:15 am dsjohndrow: Finally I am registered and making my way to Surgical Day Care. A little anxious. Thinking "doggie day care" for some reason. 7:45 am dsjohndrow: Thinking about how much pain I am in with the kidney stone and a crushing headache. #NeedPainMedsNow 7:50 am dsjohndrow: Answering identity questions for the admitting nurse. Thinking about COFFEE! What is this the TSA? #Interrogations 7:51 am dsjohndrow: What's your date of birth? Can I call my mother? #HereWeGo 8:05 am dsjohndrow: Shown to my cube - almost like work except a bed instead of a desk. Hmm... new office arrangement? #EasyJob 8:06 am dsjohndrow: WTF! Take off everything? How about I keep my underwear? #DignityGone 8:10 am dsjohndrow: Right, just a little pinch. How come there is blood squirting everywhere? That's good stuff, don't waste any! #NothingButTheBlood 8:11 am dsjohndrow: We are going to try another spot? #Yikes 8:11 am dsjohndrow: Are you just practicing? #Ouch2 8:11 am dsjohndrow: How long have you been working here? 20 years!? #YouCanDoBetter 8:12 am dsjohndrow: What's my pain level? 7 And yes, morphine is fine. #WhyWaitToStartTheParty 8:15 am dsjohndrow: I'm going to have to log the IV, how many calories are in the stuff? #MyFitnessPalGuilt 8:16 am dsjohndrow: Can you put coffee in that? #INeedTheEffingCoffee 8:25 am dsjohndrow: Talked to the anesthesiologist. I take the Blue Plate Special! #LoveTheDrugs 8:30 am dsjohndrow: Talked to the OR nurse and chose my music. #MusicRocks 8:40 am dsjohndrow: Was relieved the nurse decided to shave me with a clipper. When I saw that roll of tape it made my navel pucker. #HolyCrap 8:50 am dsjohndrow: Doc in. Initialed my left arm. Borrowed his Sharpee, and wrote "NOT THIS ONE!" on my right. Doc not impressed. #DumbMove 8:00 am dsjohndrow: In the OR now, praying #PrayerIsGood, oxygen and Lidocane. Smells fun.... #OutLikeALight 8:05 am dsjohndrow: Why are you painting my crotch red? Purple is my favorite color. #HallucinationsAreInteresting 8:15 am dsjohndrow: What are you doing with the thing? I wish I had my underwear! #FearOfAwesomeMedicalDevices 8:20 am dsjohndrow: I hate The View, can you change it to the NHL Channel? #NHL 8:22 am dsjohndrow: Is that Barbara Walters on skates? #HallucinationsAreInteresting 8:25 am dsjohndrow: Are you Santa Clause? I have been very good this year. #BeenGoodAllYear #HallucinationsAreInteresting 8:45 am dsjohndrow: Ahhhh! It is Santa Clause, my parents lied! #Fear #SantasNotReal 8:15 am dsjohndrow: Did fine, in recovery. They have Fentanyl. I like that better than coffee. #LoveTheDrugs #CoffeeIsOverated 1:00 pm dsjohndrow: Mike is here, everything is OK. #BestNeightborEver Coffee on the way home, the nurse has Vicodin, this is a good day. I feel like dancing! #BestDayEver Later I found out the Santa Clause had inserted a laser beam - the guaranteed to blow your mind kind -, camera, basket with claw, and an x-ray machine through my penis. I am glad he forgot the backhoe. Thanks for the votes and comments! Friend me at your own risk, I still have Vicodin! #WiseAss |
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Glad its over for you
7:45-11:30 Klucia07 Up and no Coffee #TheyWantToTortureMe
11:30-12:30 Klucia07 I LOVE the anesthesiologist! #AreYouMarried
12:30-1:00 Klucia07 Let me outta here! I've had no coffee #IHateEveryone
1:00 Klucia07 Raced to the nearest Dunkin Donuts. #DontTalkTillImFinished Am a person again!