Tweeting the Surgery - The Effects of #Vicodin II

Posted on 3/26/2019 by dsjohndrow

I had planned on Tweeting my surgery yesterday, but Nurse Ratched took away my smart phone. Here is what I would have said in 140 characters or less.

6:15 am dsjohndrow: Up, no coffee, no breakfast, blood pressure 160/102. Time for a shower and the battery acid shower scrub. No coffee! #RatherBeInBed

6:16 am dsjohndrow: No coffee, no damn coffee! #NeedCoffee

6:16 am dsjohndrow: No coffee, just no damn coffee! #INeedTheDamnCoffee

6:44 am dsjohndrow: Hospital just called to say they could take me early. #RockNRollTime

6:45 am dsjohndrow: Mike won't have to take me to the hospital.

6:46 am dsjohndrow: That coffee smells good, Ruth. #INeedTheEffingCoffee

7:10 am dsjohndrow: Ruth drops me at the front door. I mouth "I love you." and blow her a kiss.

7:14 am dsjohndrow: What's you date of birth? #HereWeGo

7:15 am dsjohndrow: What's you date of birth? Did the other lady forget to put in there? #HereWeGo

7:15 am dsjohndrow: Finally I am registered and making my way to Surgical Day Care. A little anxious. Thinking "doggie day care" for some reason.

7:45 am dsjohndrow: Thinking about how much pain I am in with the kidney stone and a crushing headache. #NeedPainMedsNow

7:50 am dsjohndrow: Answering identity questions for the admitting nurse. Thinking about COFFEE! What is this the TSA? #Interrogations

7:51 am dsjohndrow: What's your date of birth? Can I call my mother? #HereWeGo

8:05 am dsjohndrow: Shown to my cube - almost like work except a bed instead of a desk. Hmm... new office arrangement? #EasyJob

8:06 am dsjohndrow: WTF! Take off everything? How about I keep my underwear? #DignityGone

8:10 am dsjohndrow: Right, just a little pinch. How come there is blood squirting everywhere? That's good stuff, don't waste any! #NothingButTheBlood

8:11 am dsjohndrow: We are going to try another spot? #Yikes

8:11 am dsjohndrow: Are you just practicing? #Ouch2

8:11 am dsjohndrow: How long have you been working here? 20 years!? #YouCanDoBetter

8:12 am dsjohndrow: What's my pain level? 7 And yes, morphine is fine. #WhyWaitToStartTheParty

8:15 am dsjohndrow: I'm going to have to log the IV, how many calories are in the stuff? #MyFitnessPalGuilt

8:16 am dsjohndrow: Can you put coffee in that? #INeedTheEffingCoffee

8:25 am dsjohndrow: Talked to the anesthesiologist. I take the Blue Plate Special! #LoveTheDrugs

8:30 am dsjohndrow: Talked to the OR nurse and chose my music. #MusicRocks

8:40 am dsjohndrow: Was relieved the nurse decided to shave me with a clipper. When I saw that roll of tape it made my navel pucker. #HolyCrap

8:50 am dsjohndrow: Doc in. Initialed my left arm. Borrowed his Sharpee, and wrote "NOT THIS ONE!" on my right. Doc not impressed. #DumbMove

8:00 am dsjohndrow: In the OR now, praying #PrayerIsGood, oxygen and Lidocane. Smells fun.... #OutLikeALight

8:05 am dsjohndrow: Why are you painting my crotch red? Purple is my favorite color. #HallucinationsAreInteresting

8:15 am dsjohndrow: What are you doing with the thing? I wish I had my underwear! #FearOfAwesomeMedicalDevices

8:20 am dsjohndrow: I hate The View, can you change it to the NHL Channel? #NHL

8:22 am dsjohndrow: Is that Barbara Walters on skates? #HallucinationsAreInteresting

8:25 am dsjohndrow: Are you Santa Clause? I have been very good this year. #BeenGoodAllYear #HallucinationsAreInteresting

8:45 am dsjohndrow: Ahhhh! It is Santa Clause, my parents lied! #Fear #SantasNotReal

8:15 am dsjohndrow: Did fine, in recovery. They have Fentanyl. I like that better than coffee. #LoveTheDrugs #CoffeeIsOverated

1:00 pm dsjohndrow: Mike is here, everything is OK. #BestNeightborEver Coffee on the way home, the nurse has Vicodin, this is a good day. I feel like dancing! #BestDayEver

Later I found out the Santa Clause had inserted a laser beam - the guaranteed to blow your mind kind -, camera, basket with claw, and an x-ray machine through my penis. I am glad he forgot the backhoe.

Thanks for the votes and comments! Friend me at your own risk, I still have Vicodin! #WiseAss

57 votes + -

9 comments:

megamom wrote 30 months ago:

That is all I could think about with my recent cardiac cath, lets get this over so I can have my coffee. Glad everything went well and glad the pain meds helps, morphine makes me a puking mess but fentanyl helps a lot.

Rosie5151 wrote 30 months ago:

To EFFING funny!! A sense of humor even being poked in your ... ahem... "area!"

Glad its over for you

kendallvon wrote 30 months ago:

LOL!!! As a disabled RN, I approve this post!

Laura80111 wrote 30 months ago:

I laughed my way through this. Funny from this end probably not so much from yours. Glad you came out of the surgery fine and finally got your coffee.

debk0718 wrote 30 months ago:

You have an awesome way of finding humor is just about anything. So glad that your shoulder surgery is over. Best to you for a speedy recovery.

Anonymous wrote 30 months ago:

All the best.

runningforthetrain wrote 30 months ago:

So happy you are back at writing! Love your posts. Always glad to hear from you! Hope your recovery is going well.

MichaelSMcGuire wrote 29 months ago:

I had Back surgery on February 27th. I started giving my date of birth before they asked. I get addicted no pain meds.

KathyL07 wrote 29 months ago:

I had an Endoscopy this morning.
7:45-11:30 Klucia07 Up and no Coffee #TheyWantToTortureMe
11:30-12:30 Klucia07 I LOVE the anesthesiologist! #AreYouMarried
12:30-1:00 Klucia07 Let me outta here! I've had no coffee #IHateEveryone
1:00 Klucia07 Raced to the nearest Dunkin Donuts. #DontTalkTillImFinished Am a person again!

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Diaries of a Nearly Dead Man

Tweeting the Surgery - The Effects of #Vicodin II

9 comments: