The Battle I Didn't Choose
Posted on 8/02/2016 by dsjohndrow
My name is David and the doctor says I have cancer. Still. I have had it before. I had surgery a few times. Each time there has been success. It set me back in my training, I missed a few marathons, but I emerged with a normally functioning life.
Last week's phone call with the oncologist was sobering.
In October of 2013 the urologist found a tumor. He sent me off to a surgeon to schedule a radical prostectomy. I guess it's radical because it has two severe side effects: ED and urinary incontinence.
I got a second opinion.
The doc said I had a slow growing form of cancer that was pretty common in just about all men. Whew! He said they would keep an eye on it and let me know if it became a risk to my life. "We want you to go as long as possible without surgery. It's not a very comfortable surgery." he said. He sort of winced when he said that.
I confess it made my navel pucker too.
What did they find in this last biopsy? "There are some new cells that we have not seen before." said the voice on the other end of the phone. "These are more worrisome than what was there previously...
F&%K CANCER! I thought.
I know the 5 stages of grief. I had them all when I quit drinking soda and eating bad food. I was angry when I came out of denial - I was depressed and finally, I just did everything I could to be healthy.
I beat heart disease in 2011.
Then I beat cancer because I got regular checkups. I even have run nearly 80 races including 7 26.2 mile marathons! My effing tumor has seen three of the six world major marathon courses including NY, Chicago and Boston.
I confess that writing these words keeps me hovering between denial and anger. I will never bargain with God. I have learned to ask my loving Father for the things I need. As a good parent he is well equipped to give me what I need.
If you have ever had to say no to a kid, you know what I am talking about.
Having lived for quite some time in a medicated depression (which running has ended!), I know that I have to keep on talking about this. I am a great isolationist. I have made a list of guys that I can talk to about this. Two of them are pals here on MFP that I met at marathons.
I call one of them every day.
As grateful as I am for almost three years of managing this damn disease, we are now face-to-face and I am will be talking to a surgeon soon. There is one more test they are doing to determine how aggressive this form of cancer is. I would have a month or a year.
Or, like the heart transplant I was supposed to have, God could just fix it.
I have had a lot of thoughts about this whole thing. 12 to 16 weeks of recovery after 3 or 4 days in the hospital is not anything to look forward to, or get through. 6 to 24 months to possibly recover from the side effects is also a daunting task.
I know that I get to live through this. My friend Bill died of it about 15 years ago. He was 53.
Cancer sucks.
My mother presented with a similar option when she was diagnosed with Stage 4 pancreatic cancer. She chose to die without a surgery. I have thought about the too. She spent her last months traveling in Europe with the love of her life. She came home, spent time with her kids and died a horrible painful death.
My dad did the same thing.
I have had those thoughts too. My parents were both in the 70s. I am not even close to that. Because I am a faith guy, I am confident about my afterlife. That takes the pressure off. Then I had to ask myself what I have left to do in life - what's on my bucket list.
Other than traveling with someone who loves me, it's a short list.
I am jobless and working on my next book. I have a few trusted friends. I don't know how I will support myself if I am down and out for 12 to 16 weeks. I lost my disability insurance with job. I can't collect unemployment if I can't work.
It's a tangle.
So here I am in the middle of all this with you. The last chapter has not been written.
We are all terrified..
Full Text
1 Have thine own way, Lord! Have thine own way!
Thou art the potter, I am the clay.
Mold me and make me after thy will,
while I am waiting, yielded and still.
2 Have thine own way, Lord! Have thine own way!
Search me and try me, Savior today!
Wash me just now, Lord, wash me just now,
as in thy presence humbly I bow.
3 Have thine own way, Lord! Have thine own way!
Wounded and weary, help me I pray!
Power, all power, surely is thine!
Touch me and heal me, Savior divine!
4 Have thine own way, Lord! Have thine own way!
Hold o'er my being absolute sway.
Fill with thy Spirit till all shall see
Christ only, always, living in me!
United Methodist Hymnal, 1989
Just remember when you can't see the Son, he is still with you. I am praying for healing for you and keep your faith. It will all make sense one day. You are not alone.
Prostate Cancer is very SLOW GROWING, but, waiting for surgery probably wasn't a good Idea... even slow growing cancer can spread, mostly to the Colon first then the blood stream, and then the spine to the brain.
ED & Incontinence was the worst of having the surgery, looking in hind sight, that was much better then it spreading and reducing your lifetime. You have a PURPOSE, BE A PATIENT ADVOCATE and educate patient on Prostate Cancer and Options. There are other option available, medication may be a BIG FACTOR, Prostate Cancer is feed by testosterone. There are also Pharmaceuticals companies that will provide FREE TREATMENT MEDICATIONS, Only have to fill out a few forms.....I'll keep you in my prayers...YOU ARE NOT ALONE..........We are here to support you.
Please keep strong and keep fighting. Good luck with everything. Keep us posted. Pulling for you, Warrior! XO
My husband and I will be praying for your healing. We need you to live and not die and to continue to bring humor and wisdom to all who will read/listen. I also believe that your last chapter has not been written yet. (prayers and love)
This post is different. This post has made me realize and more importantly empathize with the fact that you live with these things every minute of every day. I know there is little we can do from afar, but with all my heart please know that whatever strength and love we can send from afar is winging its way to you <3. Thank you. Thank you for being strong enough to share and strong enough to fight. You make the world better by being you <3.
God is an awesome God.
I personally think you should fight with all you've got including surgery, you have a good track record so far....
Then again we don't live in the US, so we have more options medically within our budgets. Do what you feel is right for you and your family/SO/friends. Whatever decision you make, do not look back and second guess; hugs.