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Stop the Food Pushers!

Don't you just hate it when "no thank you" doesn't work? What do you do if those inconsiderate family members, friends and Type-A soccer moms continue to offer you food, suggest the worst restaurants, drinks and other deadly treats?

Well, here is an arsenal of snide remarks that should stop them in their tracks. Feel free to mix-n-match. Gender options can be used as needed.

Them: You have to try it.
That's what they said about remote control underwear.
 
Them: I made it myself. You'll love it!
You: No thanks, I'd rather drink sour milk.
You (alternate answer): I make poop myself, but I keep that quiet.

Them: Here, have {some crap you don't eat.}
You: Did you check the package? I heard that was recalled due to E. coli.

Them: It's just once a year!
You: So are OBGYN visits and I am not sure I like the stirrups.

Them: You should have a beer.
You: No thanks, I am going skydiving at lunch and don't want to splatter on the roof of your wife's mini-van/husband's BMW, it might scare the hell out of the kids.

Them: Have another piece of cake.
You: So, I can look like you?

Them: One bite isn't going to kill you.
You: Unless it's cyanide.

Them: We have so many leftovers. Take some!
You: You are really going to give me the crap no one else eats?

Them: But it's your favorite!
You: No, running at 4 am is. Would you join me tomorrow?

Them: Let's stop at McDonald's.
You: You are what you eat, and I am not interested in being fat, cheap or passed out a window.

Them: You should have some {Name of some food item that your MFP friends will delete you over.}.
You: I am allergic to sugar, fat and sodium, but thanks for asking.

Them: Let's go to KFC.
You: I heard some one got a fried mouse there - pretty gross, right? 

Them: Have a piece of pizza.
You: I just saw the {name of the person most disliked in the office} sneeze on it. It's hard to tell with the broccoli, I know.

Them: How about a Margarita?
You: No thanks; I was looking for a José/Juanita about my age with ripped abs.

Them: Try some banana nut bread.
You: I can't, I am fasting for my colonoscopy. Actually I need to run...

Them: You are a vegetarian?
You: Yes, the only animals I eat are crackers.

Them: It's good for you.
You: Let's see *picking up the package* Bleached Flour, Corn Syrup, Sugar, High Fructose Corn Syrup, Hydrogenated Vegetable and Animal Shortening, Dextrose. Modified Corn Starch, Glucose, Leavenings (Sodium Acid Pyrophosphate, Baking Soda, Monocalcium Phosphate), Sweet Dairy Whey, Soy Protein Isolate, Calcium and Sodium Caseinate, Salt, Mono and Diglycerides, Polysorbate 60, Soy Lecithin, Soy Flour, Cornstarch, Cellulose Gum, Sodium Stearoyl Lactylate, Sorbic Acid (to Retain Freshness), Yellow 5, and Red 40.

I think you are wrong.

Them: If you don't try my dish, I'm just going to have to force you to eat it!
You: Is this food rape?

Them: This is to die for.
You: Last time it gave me raging gas and I was asked to leave the bait aisle at Bass Pro Shops.

Them: You should eat another serving of turkey.
You: No, thanks, it makes me fart and I sound like a tuba with benefits.

Them: You can go off your diet.
You: Think of it like this: I am speeding down a mountain road in Argentina; there are no guardrails. Would you tell me it was safe to go off the road?

Them: You don't look like you weigh too much.
You: Not on a scale of 1 to 10, no I don't.

Them: Here try some pork.
You: Was that once a real pig? It looks like your ex.

Them: We've got donuts in the break-room.
You: Is Michelle Obama on vacation this week?

Them: Looks like someone is obsessed with dieting…
You: I would say passionate about health. But what would you know about that?

Them: Come on, you only live once.
You: And when I die, I'm leaving my body to science fiction.

Thanks for the votes and comments. You guys are amazing!

Friend me for wise cracks, sarcasm and support on your news feed. 

50 votes + -

42 comments:

dsjohndrow wrote 63 months ago:
I have a whole list for church!
swat1948 wrote 63 months ago:
Yup, my daughter and her boyfriend just invited me to a breakfast buffet but it's time to go to the gym. I said no and they just shook their heads over the fact that I'd rather go work out. Both are well over 200 pounds and the last thing they need is a buffet. But I will keep my remarks to myself because they have heard enough and it goes in one ear and out the other. You're pretty amazing yourself.
Wysewoman53 wrote 63 months ago:
My favorite is the Micky D's one! Another great blog!
marlown wrote 63 months ago:
Lol.I will use a few of these on my mom. It's a daily struggle..
PlantBasedRnr wrote 63 months ago:
Ha ha... once again you are spot on! I love how you are able to take ordinary, everyday comments and observations and put YOUR twist on them - Thanks for another great blog!
Harleygirl2014 wrote 63 months ago:
An awesome blog, thanks!
jasonalvear wrote 63 months ago:
Them: We have so many leftovers. Take some!
You: You are really going to give me the crap no one else eats?

#Ded, hahahhaa
Hoppymom wrote 63 months ago:
Giggle snort. lol Bass pro shop. Oops!
DavPul wrote 63 months ago:
Snide comments? I LOVE snide comments. But Most of these responses seem to be random words strung together by some combination of random hat pulling, dart board tossing, a magic 8 ball shaking to form a "sentence"?
fivethreeone wrote 63 months ago:
If you want someone to actually leave you alone, "We've got donuts in the break room" is always best answered by "Great, thanks!"

Pro tip.
DavPul wrote 63 months ago:
Please to make the whole list for church your next blog. CAN'T WAIT
_Waffle_ wrote 63 months ago:
When you say "No" do they then proceed to force-feed you? I don't understand the issue.
SteelersFan7 wrote 63 months ago:
The "tuba with benefits" was great!
sjohnny wrote 63 months ago:
When does the funny part start?
Anonymous wrote 63 months ago:
I heard there was free food here?
Pattycake755 wrote 63 months ago:
I love this blog! I love your writing!

There is a lot of truth here because I know some FOOD PUSHERS. I am sick of people asking me about what I can and cannot eat, and seconds later offering me food that I cannot eat! Duh!

If I am offered something I can't eat, here is my best snide remark since I am diabetic with neuropathy in my hands and feet: "Are you trying to make me sicker or just kill me?"

May be a little dark, but there is always some truth in comedy.
jofjltncb6 wrote 63 months ago:
What happens if you just tell them "no"? Do they eventually forcibly feed the food to you?
cbmcphillips wrote 63 months ago:
Love it!
jadefitnow wrote 63 months ago:
Very funny-thanks for the laughs! "Food-rape" is something I never worried about before!
mspris2u wrote 63 months ago:
Love you long time!!! :-)
WendyLaubach wrote 63 months ago:
Joking aside, "No, thank you" really does work, even though it may be necessary to repeat it pleasantly a dozen times. It's annoying when people act like they're not paying any attention to what you say, but they still can't make you eat, and it's not that much trouble to keep repeating "No, thank you." It will sink in eventually. The less explanation you offer the better; explanation just invites them to argue with you. If you're in a good mood, you can always try "That looks delicious, but no, thank you," in case the real problem is that your hostess is crippled with anxiety that her efforts and skill won't be appreciated.
Pattycake755 wrote 63 months ago:
Well, let's see...we have the food pushers, the diet police, and the blog trolls.

First, Oh David, you have struck a nerve in some FOOD PUSHERS...though you meant it for good fun!

Second, the DIET POLICE is the food pusher that will delete you because they don't want you to eat meat or carbs or whatever...

Thirdly, the BLOG TROLLS will write rude comments because you struck a freakin' nerve! Or they are HATING on you!

Be encouraged! Keep blogging! Get well and enjoy your life!

lefterisprousaliadis wrote 63 months ago:
These look fun, but what usually works for me, being a 6'5" guy, is just saying "please respect my choice" with a stare. People drop it instantly
kathleennf wrote 63 months ago:
When all else fails, it's possible to politely take the food and tell them you are saving it for later, then throw it out.

Sorry to waste food- but it's better than "waisting" something you don't want, and it can be kinder than making mean comments. I think it depends on who the person is...
yarnnut34 wrote 63 months ago:
I think most of the time saying "no thanks" is sufficient. These snotty comebacks are only for the people (like my husband) who keep being FOOD PUSHERS after being politely told "no thanks" more than 25 times! After being reminded that many times they should know better! I don't think these comments are meant to be used for the occasional one-time or once-in-a-while "pushers".
petstorekitty wrote 63 months ago:
pretty funny responses!
I'm way to shy to use many of them.
I'm pretty lucky so far that stuff like, "I'm just not hungry right now" works well.
Smile, nod, let them eat junk.
OR be vindictive and bring stuff they can't eat and offer *evil laugh*
Cheers mate!
Oi_Sunshine wrote 63 months ago:
Well losing friends is technically losing weight, I suppose...

druidkat7 wrote 63 months ago:
I absolutely LOVE these! I love the "food rape" one and the response of "Is Michelle Obama on vacation?" for the doughnuts.

One thing I might try, just to mirror their drama, is to find me a Phantom's mask and cape. Then, if a food pusher offers something, I can do the following:

Me: "Excuse me for a moment." (go and put on the Phantom mask and cape. Go back to the kitchen and fix the food pusher with a properly challenging Phantom's stare--and it's legit because the food pusher's being ridiculous)

Food Pusher: "What the heck?"

Me (as Phantom, still doing the powerful stare): "You have not followed my instructions to not offer anything healthy. I shall give you one last chance. Reject my otherwise amiable 'no thank you' again, and a disaster beyond your imagination will occur."

(That "disaster", by the way, would be me tossing their unhealthy crap in the trash. Granted, they'd just buy more, but they'd think twice about offering it to me)

Okay, so maybe I'd be going a bit over the top here, but seriously, I get so much whiny drama from my dad if he offers fast food, and I'm trying to stay away from it as much as possible. Not always easy if I'm busy writing, but still...I shouldn't have to get pushback from him. And drama is one thing he DOES understand, so...*shrugs*
druidkat7 wrote 63 months ago:
"You have not followed my instructions to not offer anything healthy"

That should have read "you have not followed my instructions to offer something healthy."

*sighs* That's what I get when I don't re-read what I've written when I post.
MiloBloom83 wrote 63 months ago:
TL;DR
_illini_Jim_ wrote 63 months ago:
You: Have too much time on your hands.
s1rGr1nG0 wrote 63 months ago:
If "No Thanks" or "I can't eat that" doesn't work then "I don't eat that $hit" usually does.
Royaltvii wrote 63 months ago:
When I was at Metabolic years ago, they called them "Feeder", they are the kind the push food as you say but also tell you your getting too skinny or losing too much weight, when you know you need to lose more.

They will always be there, you can be polite or you can just tell them the truth... you have a goal and you pushing food on me is setting me back and not very supportive of me reaching my goal.

It's tough but If they push as hard as you are saying, it is time to push back a little. Tell them were they are hurting your progress and they should be embarrassed and maybe even try to support you by eating out at a better location themselves.

Hope this helps
LINIA wrote 63 months ago:
#KaleNBcaonCleanse
Perhaps you have not encountered ppl who are "Food Pushers", i have not encountered an IceBerg but i know icebergs exist.

Often the food pushers are overweight friends who just don't respect the desire for or need for certain foods.

I'm just at a point in my life where i try to avoid foods that cause me gastric distress....cheese, milk, ice cream etc.

A friend told me my wrists were getting "too thin"....i'm sure she meant well, she is however, 60 pounds overweight----thanks for the the humor Boston Strong OP.
joycemathison1975 wrote 63 months ago:
I've learned to say "No thank you." then go absolutely stone deaf to the rest of the conversation. Been known to just wander off after said polite refusal.
Pattycake755 wrote 63 months ago:
FOOD PUSHERS EXIST!

I also hate when people tell you that you are getting too small and that you won't look right smaller. They keep offering you food that you have told them too many times that you cannot eat; thus the term FOOD PUSHER.

Would you keep offering your child peanuts if they have a life-threatening allergy to peanuts?

Are the "Food Pushers" being "funny" when they continue to offer you food you can't eat or don't want? Yes! Some of them are.

Was this blog supposed to be funny? Yes!

But is there some truth in it? Yes!
PennWalker wrote 63 months ago:
I've started telling people "No, I can't, I have a medical problem."

So far, it works like magic. They go away or stop pushing. It works with waiters/waitresses too when I ask if I can order a potato without butter or deep frying.

I actually do have a medical problem but don't get into the discussion about it.
willnevergiveup wrote 62 months ago:
My SIL tried to push food on me after I'd already told her "No, thank you." When she tried it again I just sighed and said "You are so much like your mother!" and walked away. I also have a brother who tried repeatedly to push food on me until I said "I'm so sorry. I've refused several times but you seem to be having a memory problem." Neither of them ever tried to push food onme again!

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