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Simple Answers to Complex Fitness Questions

You may have read some of the Message Boards here on MFP. There are hundreds of thousands of them! The categories are diverse, ranging from Success Stories to Nutrition and Chit-Chat. Each one appears to be crafted by experts in their field. With such a wealth of information, how can one sort through all this truth?

As a veteran of MFP, I thought I would take some of the more complex questions and give simple answers. These are actual questions with my not so serious answers.

Exercise Calories:
Should I eat my exercise calories? No.. err... I mean yes! No, I mean half!!!!

What if I eat my exercise calories? You'll get fat or skinny.

Should I exercise? Yes, if you want to eat the exercise calories.

How much time should I spend exercising? At least the same amount of time you spend eating, food shopping and on MFP combined.

Running:
Should I run? Not if you are on fire. I recommend Stop, Drop and Roll.

What kind of running shoes do you recommend? My favorites are bunny slippers. I mean, how far is it to the refrigerator anyway?

How fast should I run? Faster than the slowest person in your group if you are being chased by a wild man-eating animal.

How far should I run? Far enough so you don't die.

I have bad knees. This is not a question. My guess is that you also have a fat butt. Try MFP.

Diet Help:
I ate more and lost weight, aren't you proud of me? Should I be? (I know it's rude to answer a question with a question?) Are you over 50? (Damn, another question.) Sorry, this is above my pay grade.

Do you have Cheat Days? No, I only eat Sunday through Saturday. If I was on the Mayan calendar, I would have stopped eating a few years ago.

How do I become a vegetarian? *face palm* dsjohndrow is nearly speechless. Don't eat your cat.

Someone called me fat, what do I do? Stick to the program.

Someone called me skinny, what do I do? Post it as an NSV and wait for the anorexia police.

I have food allergies, what should I do? Unfortunately they don't seem to be to fast food. But you asked, so get an Epi Pen and go to the organic grocery store.

What is cleansing? Claiming poop as weight loss.

What is fasting? Stops poop.

Do I have to drink 8 cups of water a day? No, you can use an empty diet soda can.

Should I get a food scale? Not if you can accurately guess the molecular weight of the hydrogen in the kitchen.

I still have over 50 pounds to go, but how do I maintain my weight? Just eat while you are standing on the scale. If it moves, stop eating.

Should I weigh myself every day? Yes, it is less time consuming than every minute. Unless of course you are using the weight maintenance program outlined above.

Should I stop eating fast-food? Only in between healthy meals.

Do you take supplements? No, my girlfriend and I are monogamous.

Is it OK to wear skimpy underwear or a bikini in my success pics? Only if it's too hot for a sweatshirt.

How come everyone wears skimpy underwear or a bikini in their success pictures? It's terribly hot in the bathroom after weighing yourself every minute.

My progress pics looks terrible. What should I do? It's because you left your personal vibrator and feminine products on the sink. No really, go make progress.

Should I use the Stairmaster? No, just weigh yourself every second.

Should I eat processed food? I suggest it, if you can't grow your own veggies and slaughter your own fatted calf.

My HRM doesn't agree with MFP, what should I do? Schedule a cheat day. No, seriously, just lie.

How would you log one half of a Hershey's kiss? I am sorry, I am going to need more information. Was it the 2 pound Kiss?

What is TMI? TMI = Tight Underwear (often seen in success pictures)

If I only need 2 beers to catch a buzz, how should I log it? As a snack.

Should I eat breakfast? If you finished yesterday's dinner, yes.

Should I eat meat? Only if you want your pudding.

Do you have low carbs? Mine are all the same height.

What are your thoughts? If I told you I'd be arrested.

OK, it's your turn; what question would you like to ask me?

Thanks for the votes and comments. BTW - You can vote and comment!

Friend me at your own risk!

85 votes + -

30 comments:

farmboyphotography wrote 73 months ago:

Mister, you are in rare form today. That was awesome. Taking that on the road on your comedy tour? Be sure to use the line from Shrek: "I'm here 'til Thursday. Try the veal."

Oh, and the Pink Floyd reference? Congratulations! #Winning :-)
PlantBasedRnr wrote 73 months ago:
I like it when you are serious but I LOVE it when you are sarcastic !!! Love this blog post... and glad to see I am not the only one that picked up on the Pink Floyd reference.

EPIC !!!
marlown wrote 73 months ago:
OMG. I am laughing at my desk at work:).. Thx for sharing!
barbara3213 wrote 73 months ago:
Nice! And at least as accurate as many forum posts. I especially like your advice to eat only while standing on the scale. Hell, I especially liked it all.
swat1948 wrote 73 months ago:
Love the drinking water comment. As always an entertaining and informative blog, lol!
kendallvon wrote 73 months ago:
too funny!
Joshmormor wrote 73 months ago:
Your sense of the bizarre is mah-vah-lus dah-link!!!
babbyb1 wrote 73 months ago:
Fantastic! Eating while standing only on the scale was great....but I never thought I'd see someone come up with a blog with a Pink Floyd reference that was FUNNY!

The 2 beers as a buzz....that was CLASSIC!
Anonymous wrote 73 months ago:
As per usual....awesome. You my friend have a rather twisted mind....and I love it!!!
steelbreeze wrote 73 months ago:
Very funny, keep it up! :)
MonicaA2013 wrote 73 months ago:
LOVE IT !!!
Wysewoman53 wrote 73 months ago:
This is the funniest one I've read yet! I tried to pick a favorite but it just isn't possible...they are all so good!I almost signed off this morning before reading your blog. So glad I didn't...it made my day!
dsjohndrow wrote 73 months ago:
You are a wise woman. :)
Rachel0778 wrote 73 months ago:
Love the Pink Floyd reference :)
thenananator wrote 73 months ago:
What a joy you are! Smiling here.
musicgirljenni wrote 73 months ago:
So... if I have two glasses of wine after dinner, and I ate half a piece of cornbread on Tuesday (LAST Tuesday, not yesterday), and I burn seven calories per hour trying to make my cats play with their stupid toy, should I reset my calorie goals? Thanks!
JeromeBarry1 wrote 73 months ago:
Why did my metabolism change from extraordinarily slow and efficient to statistically normal after I started logging my food?
dsjohndrow wrote 73 months ago:
jennicaprice - 7 CPH is not really considered active by MFP. Maybe they need to adjust their program. ;)

JeromeBarry1 - Technology is a killer.
lucentabella wrote 73 months ago:
*Spits out drink* my carbs are all the same height.
canadjineh wrote 73 months ago:
MFP logging.... all in all, it's just another brick in the wall. :)
Anniepi66 wrote 73 months ago:
I have been told, but I don't know, that if you stand over the sink while eating that the calories don't count!
dsjohndrow wrote 73 months ago:
No, you just don't have to do dishes. ;)
candidcamster wrote 73 months ago:
You're insane, love this post!
nuffer wrote 73 months ago:
Pink Floyd reference FTW.
LJCannon wrote 73 months ago:
Confessing ahead of time ...
Im going to Steal -- I mean "Borrow" -- some of these Answers!!
They Are Awesome!!
Officially_Rosey wrote 73 months ago:
Love the answer to "how do I maintain my weight?" XD ahaha.
WendyLaubach wrote 73 months ago:
I bought your book on Kindle yesterday and read it last night. I love reading stories like that.
DancesWithDogz wrote 72 months ago:
brilliant
mrsbudryzer wrote 71 months ago:
LOL, just sent you a friend request! You are hysterical.

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