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NSVs and Snakes on a Plane

Well, I have finished the first leg of my journey to CA. I haven’t flown in over 5 years, and I almost want to say that I didn’t miss it. As a seriously unaware traveler and ex-travel writer, there is a battle going on in my brain. I have flown so much I would be hard pressed to count the times I have been in the air. Some of it is boring, and then I look out the window and see the Rockies from 30,000 feet!

It is probably unfair to chronicle a trip whilst in the air, but I have started to – I would hate for you to miss any sarcastic opportunities while they are still fresh.

It all started at 4:45 AM, I got up to get a coffee, checked MFP, Facebook and Twitter, and pulled myself together for a cold morning ride to the airport. My wife and youngest dropped me off in front of Terminal C; I was supposed to be at A. Thanks MBTA for your out of date web site. Call me that’s what I do for a living!

I got a comp shuttle to A from C, completing my algebraic introduction to the new age of “we charge for effing everything type flying”. Two bucks for the complimentary shuttle driver who squashed the foot of a passenger who was stupidly on foot - next time they will take the shuttle for $2. Then on to the check-in, another $25 for a piece of crap suitcase with all my clothes that no longer fit.

I sat and encouraged a few dozen MFP friend from my Android while I waited for security. I really liked John, one of the pre-screeners. If everyone in Boston was like that, Massachusetts would become a red state.

I didn’t get John. “Well David, we’d like to ask you a few security questions,” said the screener as he looked at my driver’s license. “Dang, you don’t look like you weigh 275, sir.”

“I don’t any longer.” I replied.

“Why does it say that on your license?” he asked.

“Well, I used to weigh that much, but I have lost weight.” I said with a 6 am smirk.

I was wondering if these were the security questions... and if he asks me how I did it, I going to say I had a kidney stone removed – actually it was a meteor that came though the ceiling one night.

“What’s your final destination, sir?” 

“Redding, California.”

“What are you going to do there”, he asked.

“I’m attending a conference.”

“How’d you lose all the weight?” He asked.

“MFP” I replied.

“Have a good day.”

“I got in the line to take off my shoes, and put my junk in a tub to be x–rayed. Can you take off your belt and put your laptop through separately?” said the attendant.

I froze. I thought, “I am going to end up with the FBI and the TSA grilling me in a dark little room.”

I uttered the words, “I can’t under my breath.” as I weighed the consequences of not complying. You see, I wore and old pair of jeans that are size 40s, and I am now a 34; I needed my belt.

I took it off, and placed it in the gray tub. I stepped into the full body scanner grasping a belt loop.

“Sir, can you place your hands on top of your head?” The screener asked.

“Oh God save me,” I whispered.

The little girl in line behind me asked her father, “what’s Calvin Klein, daddy?”

As I stood there waiting to get my belt back, I heard one the TSA agents says, “I think he’s got something in his rectum.”

I knew I shouldn’t have eaten Taboule!
Thanks for the votes and  comments. There'll be more soon.

85 votes + -


JulieSD wrote 128 months ago:
hahahahahahahhahah! You're so funny!

But you really should buy new pants man ;)
coloradocami wrote 128 months ago: need new pants Baby!
Hoosiermomma wrote 128 months ago:
LOL for sure! I travel a lot. Not sure if the agents appreciate my asking if they can just look at my "naked pictures" from our last trip! And are we the only ones with a sense of humor at 6:00 am?
fitzie63 wrote 128 months ago:
Didn't anyone tell belt, no keys, no coin, no shoes, separate tray for the laptop? Get some jeans that FIT, lol.
Snowridesbikes wrote 128 months ago:
Gracious! Lol
Pkiddy wrote 128 months ago:
just be thankful you weren't packing a brick of New York Extra Sharp Cheddar Cheese - they'd have pulled you over to do bomb testing on it. and i am NOT kidding on that one! oh... and i agree, get some new pants! lol
staroftheeast wrote 128 months ago:
Sounds like some shoping is on your Do It Now list.
Sassi50 wrote 128 months ago:
Funny guy!!!!! Get some new jeans (But I totally get the wearing too big feel smaller in them!!!)
creasonr wrote 128 months ago:
SugarNtheRaw wrote 128 months ago:
Oh god! Poor David, time to go shopping buddy! I've never flown, and my faith in doing so constantly dwindles, but at least your humor enlightens the subject!
thurberj wrote 128 months ago:
Why haven't you gotten some new pants??? This post is hysterical!! Have a great trip David!!
missyyclaire wrote 128 months ago:
Enjoy Redding! It's lovely....and they probably have tabouli there too
BulldogCNM wrote 128 months ago:
Think it's time to buy some new pants as a non-food reward..Oh and so you don't get arrested for indecent exposure.
sk2775 wrote 128 months ago:
lol!!!! :-)
GreenLifeGirl wrote 127 months ago:
LOL! Oh my word!
LesaDave wrote 124 months ago:
HAHAHAHA!! Thanks for telling me about the link on your other blog!!
Candi8099 wrote 124 months ago:
Hope you've found some 34's!! GREAT story!! I might have even peed a little.
jingoace wrote 112 months ago:
HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA - OMG - that is the funniest story I've heard in a while! My husband too, wears his size 40 pants, and he'll take his belt off & they just shimmy right off his hips.... I am SO envious, cuz I can't do that with ANY of MY pants... LOL. Your Story STILL has mu lauging, omg, I'mm gonna need another klenex here....
THANK YOU for sharing.... I needed that laugh! :) J
abdil123 wrote 103 months ago:
Thanks for this funny story !!!! I like it

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