NSVs and Snakes on a Plane
Posted on 10/29/2011 by dsjohndrow
Well, I have finished the first leg of my journey to CA. I haven’t flown in over 5 years, and I almost want to say that I didn’t miss it. As a seriously unaware traveler and ex-travel writer, there is a battle going on in my brain. I have flown so much I would be hard pressed to count the times I have been in the air. Some of it is boring, and then I look out the window and see the Rockies from 30,000 feet!
It is probably unfair to chronicle a trip whilst in the air, but I have started to – I would hate for you to miss any sarcastic opportunities while they are still fresh.
It all started at 4:45 AM, I got up to get a coffee, checked MFP, Facebook and Twitter, and pulled myself together for a cold morning ride to the airport. My wife and youngest dropped me off in front of Terminal C; I was supposed to be at A. Thanks MBTA for your out of date web site. Call me that’s what I do for a living!
I got a comp shuttle to A from C, completing my algebraic introduction to the new age of “we charge for effing everything type flying”. Two bucks for the complimentary shuttle driver who squashed the foot of a passenger who was stupidly on foot - next time they will take the shuttle for $2. Then on to the check-in, another $25 for a piece of crap suitcase with all my clothes that no longer fit.
I sat and encouraged a few dozen MFP friend from my Android while I waited for security. I really liked John, one of the pre-screeners. If everyone in Boston was like that, Massachusetts would become a red state.
I didn’t get John. “Well David, we’d like to ask you a few security questions,” said the screener as he looked at my driver’s license. “Dang, you don’t look like you weigh 275, sir.”
“I don’t any longer.” I replied.
“Why does it say that on your license?” he asked.
“Well, I used to weigh that much, but I have lost weight.” I said with a 6 am smirk.
I was wondering if these were the security questions... and if he asks me how I did it, I going to say I had a kidney stone removed – actually it was a meteor that came though the ceiling one night.
“What’s your final destination, sir?”
“Redding, California.”
“What are you going to do there”, he asked.
“I’m attending a conference.”
“How’d you lose all the weight?” He asked.
“MFP” I replied.
“Have a good day.”
“I got in the line to take off my shoes, and put my junk in a tub to be x–rayed. Can you take off your belt and put your laptop through separately?” said the attendant.
I froze. I thought, “I am going to end up with the FBI and the TSA grilling me in a dark little room.”
I uttered the words, “I can’t under my breath.” as I weighed the consequences of not complying. You see, I wore and old pair of jeans that are size 40s, and I am now a 34; I needed my belt.
I took it off, and placed it in the gray tub. I stepped into the full body scanner grasping a belt loop.
“Sir, can you place your hands on top of your head?” The screener asked.
“Oh God save me,” I whispered.
The little girl in line behind me asked her father, “what’s Calvin Klein, daddy?”
As I stood there waiting to get my belt back, I heard one the TSA agents says, “I think he’s got something in his rectum.”
I knew I shouldn’t have eaten Taboule!
Thanks for the votes and comments. There'll be more soon.
But you really should buy new pants man ;)
THANK YOU for sharing.... I needed that laugh! :) J