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Non-Food Gifts for Losers

Today I am rewarding myself! That's right, I am going to buy myself a gift or two because I am making huge progress in my weight loss. I am getting a new bike! I know sounds like a grade-schooler, but losing weight makes you feel younger. (Oh, did I just hear my wife saying that's a lame excuse for male immaturity?)

They have gifts for teachers such as apples and school bells. There are gifts for retired people including: recliners, rocking chairs and clocks that don't work. Getting gifts for fat people is pretty easy; from Supersized fast food meals to Velcro sneakers, they're covered.

I started thinking (usually a dangerous occupation!) what would I get for a soon to be skinny person?

If you are honest about losing weight, you know that you can't just go on a diet no matter how substantial it is. Although what we eat has more to do with losing weight than a days worth of exercise, we have to come to a place where we can live it out until we die. If you are on the journey, remember wight loss gets harder and harder as you get older - take it from and ex-old fat guy. After a long time your fat and you become pretty good friends!

On your way to being skinny, here are few gifts you might enjoy, I know I did. When you are done you can regift them along with the Christmas fruit cake.

Food Scale: You think you hate the scale on the floor? This one will kill you! Try weighing everything that goes on your plate! If you are like me there will be 3 or 4 outside the newly fixed kitchen window!

1 Cup Measuring Cup: It's all you need. You get 2 cups of whatever veggies you are eating along with your protein of 3ish to 6ish ounces. When it is not in use you can cover it in tin-foil and wear on your head - well not in the microwave!

Smaller Dishes: A plate that holds 2-3 cups of food is quite big enough! You certainly can keep the bigger ones that have a designated elbow rest. A desert dish that holds 6 Hershey Kisses is also a good idea!

Heart Rate Monitor (HRM): One of my pet peeves is the Relaxation Diet. It is against running the heart rate over whatever it is when you are standing at the refrigerator door, and it is resistant to working up a sweat. A truly healthy lifestyle has sweat and a little huffing and puffing, or lots of sex. Either one will do for a sustained period of time of 10 to 30 minutes 3 times a week. If you are not healthy enough to do some cardiovascular exercise, work your way up to it. I did. (Yes, check with your doctor!)

The HRM tells you when you are in a good fat burning mode. For most, that is over 120 BPM and even over 130. There are lots of styles to choose from, but I like the continuous monitoring of a chest strap. All the Android apps and touch watches are cheaper but you usually need to get to a non-cardio pace to check it. You are worth it.

Android or iPhone for MFP: Logging on to MFP everyday to manage your diary is a breeze with the smart-phone applications. I use the voice activated feature to make comments and encouragements with my Bluetooth Speakerphone while I am driving (synonym for sitting in Boston traffic). Just be sure to disable the auto-post feature in case some one cuts you off and you need to call the stupid &@&@#* jerk or your MFP friends will dump you! And you can do some Social Not-Working while you are in the bathroom.

Skinny Jeans: When you get to the weight where wearing tight jeans doesn't look like two Volkswagen Bugs trying to pass each other on the sidewalk, go for it. The same rule applies to bikinis.

Photo Shoot: Come on, most fat people are not into having photos taken unless they are aerial shots from outer space. Treat yourself to a well photographed portrait. You'll be glad you did. And if you have kids, they'll appreciate them some day - well when they get older. At 16, all of mine were at the pinnacle of their intelligence. The good news is that 3 of them are on the downside of Know-It-All mountain.

How about you, on your way to skinny, what did I miss?

61 votes + -

24 comments:

msmayor wrote 130 months ago:
This was a great read - I like your writing voice - funny but most points are true and I will take that advice - because I'm truly worth it!
biddysaurus wrote 130 months ago:
I just got a new bike too!!! It's the best gift I've ever given myself. I got it this month and have already put over 100 miles on it! I'm in love. :) I hope you are enjoying your bike as much. Do you have a cycling group near you? I just started riding with one and I highly recommend it. :) It's so nice to have other active people to hang out with and to share the road with. :)
atsteele wrote 130 months ago:
Best idea is the food scale!! I never thought I needed one... LOL I NEED it!!!!! I use it all the time!!
dsjohndrow wrote 130 months ago:
I am picking it up tomorrow. I have a wife and child that ride, and so we are looking forward to fall in New England! I also have a friend at work that agreed to do a leisure ride with me - he is like a zen mountain biker.
Marianna194 wrote 130 months ago:
lol you're hilarious
Marianna194 wrote 130 months ago:
lol you're hilarious
tmiqueen wrote 130 months ago:
How about the running shirts that don't chafe your nipples when you run? Or does that just happen to me? ;oP
wickedcricket wrote 130 months ago:
LOL yeah, workout clothes & shoes - never shopped in a sporting goods store in my life
oh yeah and exercise equipment - kettlebells!? really? my family thinks I've lost my mind
xhaller wrote 130 months ago:
Maybe this is cheesy, but I think a fancy expensive bottle of really nice olive oil is kind of a cool gift. But not for myself. Maybe for someone else :)
dsjohndrow wrote 130 months ago:
I already wrote about workout equipment a few blogs ago. As long as you don't look like Richard Simmons, you are cool.
AdAstra47 wrote 130 months ago:
Love this! My workplace insists on handing out cookies or trail mix or candy bars whenever they want to give us positive reinforcement, and it really annoys me that they're so insensitive to people who are trying to maintain a healthy lifestyle. I'd rather have a pen or notepad... these are great suggestions. I'm adding them to my Christmas list. :-) Also, how about a spice rack? You can eat boring grilled chicken breasts every night for a month if you have a wide enough variety of spices. And a gift card to a non-plus-size clothing store... I'm really looking forward to shopping at one of those someday.

dsjohndrow wrote 130 months ago:
Oh don't worry, these are self gifts. Christmas is going be a blow out!
Pageh656 wrote 130 months ago:
lol great read
SixCatFaerie wrote 130 months ago:
Love this! Thank you!
NinjaMonkey201 wrote 130 months ago:
For me, a good self gift is a new pair of workout shoes, a new workout outfit, or some new music for my MP3 player. And I'm a dork because I love buying new, cute, water bottles.
dsjohndrow wrote 130 months ago:
@NM - LOL!
sagetracey wrote 130 months ago:
Already have the bike and am using it big time! Just bought the kitchen scales and they are a great tool.

If you don't have one, give yourself an iPod or some other music player to use while exercising.

But cos I'm a woman and I want a pretty reward - I have a lovely new gold watch which I bought as a reward when I break 100kg. It will look so dainty and gorgeous on my wrist. And I'll be wearing it in less than five weeks, according to MFP.
caramkoala wrote 130 months ago:
I like these ideas! I'm gonna print 'em up all nice on some fancy paper and put em in a cheap IKEA frame to motivate me!
chedges9090 wrote 130 months ago:
am asking for a Garmin watch for Christmas-- which I guess isn't a gift to myself.. but, kinda... a little gift for myself for those in-between goals-- Maybe a shirt that doesn't have pleats in the front and resemble a tent. When I get to my goal weight, I want to change my hair color to an auburn.:)
SunRiseBiker wrote 130 months ago:
Now we need a clothespin & some baseball cards.
STARSHINE1975 wrote 130 months ago:
I've bought some new workout clothes that I'm not swimming in. They make me feel good. I am currently looking into a HRM. And I just renewed my gym membership for another year. =)
SmartFunGorgeous wrote 130 months ago:
well, I'm glad I finally made my way over here- love to "read you!" My fave line: social not-working. I'm becoming an expert at that one!
staroftheeast wrote 129 months ago:
Self rewards can cover a lot of territory but I'm splurging on new sexy underwear. May be TMI. LOL!
FatCopThinCop wrote 121 months ago:
You are F**king Funny. Love you man.. I need to share this with all I know that are fighting the good fight. I am now 292 again and was 272 in my earlier fight. Life pulled me away but man, with words like yours, it will get me going once again and down to the 200ish lbs for good.

Take care,

Paul

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