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John Almighty!

A couple of weeks ago I wrote a blog, and some of the MFP community took it way too seriously. In my defense I posted a status for my friends to see. (More on that in a minute) I have the best MFP friends! I lost a few friends that day, and probably have over the months. However; the ones I have left are great, and a few of you are funny too!

The problem occurred when one blog commenter actually blamed "people like me" for discouraging others in their weight loss. My first reaction? RUFKMAHB?!?!? Then I thought of a more Christian approach - maybe a message to apologize for offending them. It started out "Dear Fat Person: Did the dog pee in your morning yogurt?" - I scrapped it. I really did try to empathize with the person, but I suck at empathy.

I thought about it. Why did this person give me so much power in their lives?
I pondered it some more, watched a few Dr. Phil reruns and decided I was probably getting so good at this thing, that I could be a god of sorts. I started to think about all the good I could do: smiting Congress, sending ninja cats to cat haters, taking all your extra calories and giving them to kids in Ethiopia, changing all the traffic lights to green on the way to work, creating high paying jobs for doing nothing, banning tofu, poopless ponies, avocados with smaller pits, and magic weight loss pills that were really magic. Oh yeah, and messing with you by making your alarm clock so it wouldn't shut off until you were at the gym, taking the dispenser hole off the sugar jar at the diner or parting your miso soup to let the animal crackers pass through.

Then I thought about what my resume would look like. That is why I posted this status last week. Even better, you guys responded with some funny stuff!

dsjohndrow: Had a funny comment on one of my blogs - apparently I am "the reason" that so many people are overweight. I might have to add God to my resume - I just can't remember the year I started. ;)

abrantner: Wow... I bow down to your awesomeness.. lol..

abrantner: But wait.. if you made me fat.. Can you pretty please... poof and make me thin again?? :)

Emily_J_J: Wow. Why would you do that to me? I thought we were friends.

Sallycinnimon: ohhhh John. I didn't know you could make me fat?! LOL please reverse your decision!

HauteP1nk: Oh, so you're the one to blame for not giving me boobs then? I prayed to you when I was 13...I specifically said I wanted boobs but none of that other female monthly crap.... you got the order wrong!

dsjohndrow: I guess under "responsibilities" I will put The Universe! Making the sun rise, and giving adolescents privates.

cosmocat12: "shake, shake, shake" (sadly shaking head from side to side) Wait! does that count as a cardio workout? Must log it!

Raine7: LOL! Now that's a good one!

landay: Ha! If God really did have a resume, it would just have to be 2 words.... "I AM".

cygnetpro: And I'm still waiting for my pony.

HauteP1nk: Where's the like button?

NinjaMonkey201: Shame on you! :-P

bllowry: And here I just thought you were responsible for my wet keyboard! (Note to self: don't drink water when reading the blogs!)

kristiranee: Hilarious! And I'm now going to start cursing you for my fat (although I'm not sure how to explain it to my husband when I yell "DAMMIT JOHN!" when my clothes don't fit)

dsjohndrow: OMJ!

TammyBee: You guys are crazy! lol

SouthernNHgirl: Finally, I have someone to blame besides myself!! :)

dan323: That's why I gained so much weight because of YOU ! LOL


cessnaholly: You must be the "reason for the weight loss season"

HauteP1nk: No, he isn't Santa. Although I have seen Santa on MFP trying to get some weight loss advice. I keep telling him that if he doesn't stop eating all those cookies that he'll never lose the weight but he doesn't seem to want to listen... He is utterly addicted. Not to mention all the children in the world are enablers...

jlira01: You and Paula Dean!

aliciagetshealthy: What did you do this time David??

dsjohndrow: Just trying to be helpful, Alicia.

daddiocoolcat: Damn you, David Johndrow!!! Lmao, and SMH, I fell and hit my head!!! It's your fault!!!!!! Lol

odditblue: What the... some people are crazy.

odditblue: PS: you got the winning lotto numbers yo? I could use 'em...

grag79: Well at least I can now stop blaming everyone and everything else for it. Can I just blame you!! Why did you make me eat that pasta tonight and drink that wine lol xgx

cosmocat12: These comments are HILARIOUS!! I'm still waiting for my Unicorn BTW.....

flabulous4: Now, have you been sneaking into people's bedrooms while they're asleep and feeding them pastrami? Again? This is your final warning!

rinnismom: sheesh, and all this time I've been blaming me! Why didn't you say something? Well, now that I know....

Amf5627622: So am I now suppose to say "John Dammit" when I mess up? Or can I still call you God? It could lead to some awkward moments with my brother John, if the Pats struggle in the big game!

76wendyful: Wow!

bratgrr1: So it's your fault! I prayed for a fat wallet and skinny ass. You got it backwards.

llahairdna: "OMJ" is about the funniest thing I have read ever in my life. HYSTERICAL!! hahaha!!! (p.s. you suck for making me fat. jerk.)

RandomDude50: Hey man, can I just say something? Putting that apple tree right there in front of their faces and telling them not to eat any was just unfair. Can we have another shot at that one?
llahairdna: Random, please show some respect--"Man" should be capitalized. Thank you.

dsjohndrow: ^^^LOL

demery12371: You are good for the soul!!! :) LOL

swykes: ROFLOL..well, Almighty then! 

Thank you guys for some serious laughs.

Anyone care to add any?

Thanks for the votes and comments. If I could vote for the comments above, I would!

75 votes + -


aliciagetshealthy wrote 118 months ago:
We are an amusing bunch, are we not!?! =D ...laughter burns calories, so keep fueling the fire David!
DawnOf1969 wrote 118 months ago:
Not so sure the hubby would like it if I yelled out "oh my John" during our more intimate moments. Just sayin'. Since his name's not John after all.
Pkiddy wrote 118 months ago:
i think i burned 200 calories just reading this and lmao!!!! Thanks for sharing.
Jennicia wrote 118 months ago:
some people get you and others dont. I think ur funny as hell and ur blogs always make me laugh! keep up the good work! :)
ctlinj7 wrote 118 months ago:
I love the OMJ comment. Hilarious.
juleseybaby wrote 118 months ago:
OMJ!!! This is effing hilarious! Wait - you know what 'effing' means anyway even if I try to cover it up - don't you?
cessnaholly wrote 118 months ago:
"John Dammit!" I don't care what my husband thinks. I think it is funny!
STARSHINE1975 wrote 118 months ago:
@bratgrr1 LMAO! I was thinking the same thing!
bevsdietfor2011 wrote 118 months ago:
John, I LOVE your blogs!!! I thought it was all the bad food I was eating that made me fat!!! Keep the blogs coming!!!!
nanodot wrote 118 months ago:
I'm laughing too. Why have you given this spat so much power over YOU that you just blogged about it? Perhaps you understand deep down, that making a joke of people at the gym is a crappy thing to do, and you are feeling a mite defensive?

I'm a friend, but i'm not the friend who laughs at all your jokes. I'm the friend that points out when you are BS-ing yourself.
anzabeth wrote 118 months ago:
Now I lay me down to sleep
I pray to John my ass to keep
Slim as it was when I was a kid
And my tummy fat will be rid
And without a diet before I wake
I pray to John my fat to take

P.S. In the south we say, "John bless his heart!"

TerresaJ wrote 118 months ago:
How did I miss the original blog?! I'm gonna have to go back and look. :)
Got several laughs....too bad I'm in class right now so I had to control myself somewhat.
Someone who will blame others for their shortcomings will never be successful.
Keep 'em coming!!!!
navygunner wrote 118 months ago:
You still crack me up, keep on writing!
Mustangsally1000 wrote 118 months ago:
Dear John...almost wet my pants. Too too funny. You DO have funny friends. John bless you! Can you do that??? Keep 'em comin' it!
odditblue wrote 118 months ago:
I swear, you should be writing sitcoms instead of the junk that's out there right now. Yer much funnier. =D
jfrog123 wrote 118 months ago:
My kids blame everything on their invisible friends, you know "Not Me" and "I Don't Know". Now when something goes wrong I can just say John made it happen. Aren't we a bunch of blame shifters? Really, anyone who can blame others for their problems does not have a strong grasp on reality. I have no control over what others do, but I am the ONLY one who controls how I react. I love your blogs. You keep writing, I'll keep reading!
Snowridesbikes wrote 118 months ago:
Dear Mr. Funnypants
all I can say is ROFLMBO. I am also thankful that I learned early on not to have any beverages whilst reading your blog. :)
My most sincere appreciation for ALL your blogs. And some people need to learn that in this "journey" of lightening up their bootie, they need to lighten up and gain a sense of humor along the way.
Sallycinnimon wrote 118 months ago:
That was so funny, tears almost ran down my leg ;) also, your fault. Oh... We're all still waiting for those winning lotto numbers!
perrybucsdad wrote 118 months ago:
That's great! Thanks for trhe laughs.

Some people need to realize that life is too short to be so serious all the time. When I am blessed with one of these special person I try and remind them of that and tell them something to make them smile.

So folks, just remember, if you place your ear upagainst a strangers leg, you can hear them say "What the F*@k are you doing".

cfreema wrote 118 months ago:
There were two times in my life where the world felt upside down. The first time was when i found out Kevin Cosner used a butt double in Robin Hood Prince of Theives... and the second time was when I found out you weren't God!!!! I'm still reeling! ;)
MommyTKD wrote 118 months ago:
Dear john.....

The farce is strong in you.


Your mother (nature)
SmartFunGorgeous wrote 118 months ago:
As John is my witness, I did NOT eat that snickers bar! I swear to John!
louisau wrote 118 months ago:
You crack me up!
beebee0925 wrote 115 months ago:
OMJ! This totally made my day!

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