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I Should Have Stayed Off the Internet!

In addition to the typical, and sometimes enjoyable side effects of my post-surgery painkillers including: blurred vision, dizziness, drowsiness, lightheadedness, loss in hearing, and tiredness, I should have stayed in bed.

I fortunately avoided a complete shutdown of the central nervous system, although it might have been better if I had. Don't get me wrong, it wasn't like a frat party where you wake up with a sign around your neck "Cranium for Rent" - no this is part my health care!

Apparently it is healthy to say stuff you would normally only think. And for a guy who just had knee surgery, they gave me these pills and added two more appendages in the form of crutches: that's quality health care. My wife just stood there shaking her head. She knows I can't get from one end of the house to the other on a good day. Even the folks at the gym remind me to put the safety shut-off lanyard on when I step on the treadmill. In fact, they run to my assistance! It is a good thing that most everyone at my gym is older, and they don't know how to use a smart phone video recorder or I would have gone viral by now. Heck they still have flashing clocks on the VCR at home.

I admit it, I did enjoy trout fishing in the recliner, and chatting it up with the Mad Hatter. Unfortunately I did not stay off the Internet! Here are some things you should take into consideration before indulging, whether or not the doctor prescribes it:

- I tried to "Like" your comments on MFP and deleted them.
- It's apple.com, not a$$h013.com, and no, they don't have MP3s.
- I changed my Facebook Relationship Status to "It's Complicated." (This is going to take a while.)
- I was banned on Blogspot.com.
- I transferred all our savings to a Home Depot gift card.
- I bought a fake Rolex, some male enhancement pills, an Obama Chia pet and some generic Canadian drugs.
- I discovered there is no past tense of the word "tweeted."
- I lost all my free poker chips.
- The fantasy site I was on was definitely not football!
- All my MFP friends looked too skinny.
- I found my webcam in my PJ's and called the doctor.
- I had strange messages from a Ginger, but not the one from Gilligan's Island.
- I thought QWERTY was a word.
- I was linked to people I never worked with on LinkedIn.
- I discovered there is a good reason Twitter only allows you 160 characters.
- I gave Santa my social security number so he could find my house on Christmas Eve.
- There was no one on AIM or Yahoo messenger!
- I was in a Russian chatroom selling my weight loss secrets.
- The Captcha codes on Craigslist were messages from God.
- I ended the NBA strike.
- I lost my mouse ball and cracked my keyboard playing fantasy baseball.
- I was outbid for the White House on eBay by MittRomney.
- I emailed the boss a "wish you were here" eCard. 
- I found the telephone number for Amazon.com customer service.
- I wired money to a guy in Nigeria to release $6 Million from the estate of the late Mrs. SomebodyOrOther. 
- MSNBC was saying nice things about Democrats, and Fox news was saying them about Republicans - I guess it was wearing off by then...

Thanks for the votes and comments. As always, your support is encouraging!

Friend me at your own risk.

70 votes + -

13 comments:

DawnOf1969 wrote 120 months ago:
Hilarious! Another great post. oh wait, you found the telephone number for Amazon.com customer service?? is that even possible!?!
aliciagetshealthy wrote 120 months ago:
Oh lovely vicadin! Although I must say, your surgical drugs seemed to have beat the pants off my appendix surgical drugs...I just napped really really well =)
Mustangsally1000 wrote 120 months ago:
Yeah..his drugs beat my drugs too. i just threw up a lot! Where is that "glow" when you want it???
cessnaholly wrote 120 months ago:
You are so funny.
AdAstra47 wrote 120 months ago:
I want an Obama chia pet!
jlc1243 wrote 120 months ago:
- I found the telephone number for Amazon.com customer service.

Wish you weren't so doped up so that you could remember how you did that and share!

felicity866 wrote 120 months ago:
what an entertaining start to my day!!...thanks :)
SixCatFaerie wrote 120 months ago:
Another great one, John! :-D
gods_gal wrote 120 months ago:
Funny!! I needed this today!!
Pkiddy wrote 120 months ago:
lol! another funny, yet inspiring blog. :)
adriadawn19 wrote 120 months ago:
1-866-216-1072 <-- amazon.com customer service number LOL. pretty funny though, sounds like you had an interesting experience
Anonymous wrote 88 months ago:
33 months ago what the heck.

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