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I'm Sad and Angry!

Today is a bit of a rant. It's part of my therapy. Yesterday was the 120th running of the Boston Marathon. For those of you who have followed my story on this blog or read my book, you know how inspiring the Boston Marathon is to me.

The first time I saw the runners, my heart sank. I thought I had missed my chance to ever run.

I don't know what the magic of running - running Boston was. I was an overweight heart trauma survivor standing on the curbside ringing a cowbell. All I wanted to do before my heart failure was lose weight and complete a 5K.

I walked the mile home from the race that day. It took 50 minutes including a stop to sit on the park bench.

If you are like me, your relationship with food had to change. Your body image had to change. As I ran, I felt better about me, better about how I looked, and just better in general.

I have run the Boston Marathon two times; 2014 and 2015.

Yesterday I went to support my friends who were running. As I parked my car about a mile from the course I sat there and cried. I wanted to be out there running. Why was I sad? I got sick in October and my body has been the enemy of my running.

I gained 7 or 8 pounds too.

I have been on medication which has helped. My running is getting better and my weight is going back down. I ran the Asbury Park Half Marathon on Saturday. My goal is to run 50 half/full marathons in 50 states.

NJ was number 13.

Why am I angry? My fitness and performance has been sagging, and that bothers me - a lot! The good news is that Saturday I ran the longest distance that I have since December. It's a long way back to a marathon!

Today I am reminding myself to focus on my progress these last 5 years. My 50-minute mile is down to somewhere between 6 and 7 minutes. My 10K time is faster than that first mile back 5 years ago.

Thanks for listening, voting and commenting.

127 votes + -

31 comments:

celticlass69 wrote 76 months ago:
John I hear and acknowledge your frustration. You have accomplished so much and come so far! What would you say to someone else in that position? But we, and I include me, we are great at giving advice and not so great at following it. You inspire me in many ways. Please hun, realize you are loved and supported. Be stronger than that inner voice and realize how very much you've accomplished, and above all love yourself hun. We love you! :)
Wysewoman53 wrote 76 months ago:
From the moment I read that first blog I ever read by you just a little while ago, you have been an inspiration to me. Every time I want to give up, every time I get tired, every time I get frustrated because it seems to be taking such a long time to get to my goals, I think of you and all you have been thru and my frustration seems to dissipate. Your journey has been amazing, filled with ups and downs and yet you have the ability to pull from within you the fortitude to continue on as evidenced by these words: "Today I am reminding myself to focus on my progress these last 5 years. My 50-minute mile is down to somewhere between 6 and 7 minutes. My 10K time is faster than that first mile back 5 years ago." You have come such a long way and yet, you are never finished and that's what I find so inspiring about you. You give me hope.
PlantBasedRnr wrote 76 months ago:
I totally understand - not to anyway compare myself to you but there are times I get " down " about my ability and my stalled progress and I have to stop and think about those who have a struggle far greater than mine. The most inspiring thing to me is running a 5k, 10k or a half and looking around and seeing all the people, especially the heavier ones and looking at the determination in their eyes, the hunger that they have for their new sport... it is times like those that I am able to stop and reflect and truly appreciate where I am and where I have come from.
dsjohndrow wrote 76 months ago:
Thanks, you guys. <3
joanthemom8 wrote 76 months ago:
Hang in there.... you're health is the most important thing. It's understandable to be disappointed, but as all the others have said, you HAVE accomplished alot! But, it's OK to be sad, mad, disappointment sometimes. But the key is to take those emotions and turn them around, which I think you've been doing these past 5 years! We all think you are amazing!
drdwngfan wrote 76 months ago:
Saturday, I also ran / walked my farthest distance since December 2015. 5.2 miles. Although our journeys are much different, we are both headed in the right direction and that is all that counts in my book. Keep up the good fight. #nevergiveupneversurrender
Leahbcc wrote 76 months ago:
Great Post David and thanks for sharing this
Genette38 wrote 76 months ago:
I get it. As soon as I started to try to get fit again, I came down with flu. Twice in a row. Not a little sniffle, but full on, can't get out of bed, dizzy when I stood up flu.

It sucks when your body can't do what your brain wants it to but I think it's also partly your body telling you what it needs right now. Once you get better, you will get stronger and your body will be able to carry you again.

Don't give up hope, just recognise that your body has served you well, whatever you threw at it, good or bad, and now it's time for you to give it a little of what it needs in return.

Your still a massive inspiration to people like me who are still working on getting there.
solieco1 wrote 76 months ago:
Celebrate the success and celebrate the journey to new successes :)
You've conquered so much already. Life wouldn't be near so much fun if you didn't have new things to strive for. Enjoy the process and well done!
missyyclaire wrote 76 months ago:
Your emotions are simply yourselves way of showing how far you've come and where you still want to go. Feeling them is a healthy response to your mountainous efforts and changes you've made.
Jonesie1984 wrote 76 months ago:
You're doing amazing and your tenacity is inspiring. Whenever I feel discouraged and I read your blog you give me that extra kick to keep moving. Congrats on the longest run since December, you'll be back to that marathon soon enough :)
farmboyphotography wrote 76 months ago:
You have a right to be frustrated from time to time. You have made it through some serious challenges and you inspire lots of folks here! Vent all you want, let it out, but stay strong!

When you are ready to do a marathon in Minnesota, let me know. I'll get my ass in gear and start training for that one instead of settling for 5Ks and 10Ks.
marlown wrote 76 months ago:
You are still amazing! Thanks for sharing your stories!!
damienpentecost wrote 76 months ago:
Never give up. Keep fighting. Your worth it.
activeinmysixties wrote 76 months ago:
Therapy session over ... upward and onward ... bill is in the mail.
lmhbuss wrote 76 months ago:
You know how they say that once an astronaut has been to space and come back to earth, they get really depressed because they feel like nothing in their life will ever compare to that? It's hard for them to watch others getting to take that ride because they know what it's like to fly so high and they want that feeling again. Maybe what you're going through is like that? But you WILL fly again, just keep at it. Hoping only good things for you. Have read several of your posts on here and you are a genuine inspiration.
Scoochie1 wrote 76 months ago:
I'm going to make you re-read this in October when you and I are celebrating your Dublin Marathon completion :)
OkieEnglish1083 wrote 75 months ago:
I suggest either the Red Bud Classic or the Oklahoma City Memorial Marathon to check Oklahoma off of your 50 states list! Both are in April when the weather is beautiful (and really, one of the only months that's neither blistering heat nor oppressive cold here in the state of wacky weather).
aphuston2019 wrote 75 months ago:
Wow, your rant was inspiring to me. My goals are not as challenging as a marathon. You cried from frustration because you worked so hard to achieve so much. I too wanted to run a marathon, but a neck injury has really prevented me so far from doing even a 10K. Please give yourself a break. Take a deep breath and know you've done a lot. Love yourself. Your soul deserves your appreciation and your love. You've accomplished a lot more than a lot of others, and you are still out there, too! Take the time to enjoy your journey and love your body. It's not over yet! I am thrilled for your accomplishments, and they are inspiring!
cory17 wrote 75 months ago:
Your posts are inspirational, keep it up! Stay in the present. All movement forward is progress.
Olympia20 wrote 75 months ago:
Sometimes we tend to be very hard on ourselves , but we value our own efforts , and encourage us to move forward. Love and self- recognition to what give our body and mind .
cloud2011 wrote 75 months ago:
You are doing fantastic! Recognizing your feelings and acknowledging how far you've come prepares you to keep going!
TenaciousTurtle44 wrote 75 months ago:
EVERYTHING you do, whether it is conquering the Boston Marathon or just pushing through your day inspires many people. To know you are human and have your hills and valleys makes you a hero. It's nice to know I'm not alone in my struggles. It's a journey back but if anyone can do it I know YOU can. Keep focusing on your victories. You'll get there.
janalyn63 wrote 75 months ago:
I truly understand what you are going through. I was a runner and through no fault of my own I suffered a broken neck, TWICE in one year and I can no longer run, swim or do a lot of other things. My health deteriorated along with my depression until I fought to get back on top of my life, as long as I remain focused on what really matters every day I will concur my faults.
Life is a Journey - enjoy each trail : )
pizzafruit wrote 75 months ago:
Obviously you're very disciplined and that is something I really lack. That's why I so look forward to your posts. You have this ability to pick us up again and again and point us in the right direction. I appreciate your honesty and the inspiration. I have been on the uphill battle for years and have no intention of giving up. Thank you.
frugalshrimp wrote 75 months ago:
You will get back. I am also battling having gained a bunch of weight (because of some medication), and my running has suffered because of it. But we are runners. We've got this. You will see. I've run Boston twice --I know the magic. You will be back. <3
NadiaMayl wrote 75 months ago:
When you work hard, change your lifestyle to fit a healthier you, and we all know how hard it is, it is frustrating to be smacked in the face by our body's desire to knock us down, even when we are trying out darndest best!!
I am trying to learn and assimilate that life is not a straight line, it (fortunately and sometimes unfortunately) comes with curves, peaks, valleys, dark tunnels, and sunny days... and we have to just accept it, deal with the emotions it elicits, and keep going!
Thanks for sharing! Once again, it's inspiring to read real! Keep up the work, keep up the spirit, you WILL make it!!!
safisana wrote 75 months ago:
I'm blessed to have not had any major health issues crop up, but I have had periods of inactivity due to becoming a mother and failing to put myself first (or anywhere) on my list of priorities. I've been more consistent this past year or so, but I'm still nowhere close to my level of fitness when I ran my first (and only) marathon in 2009.

The problem with running is that you can always do more, right? It's hard to feel like 5 miles is "enough" when you could have done 10. Recognize when you've landed on the moon. Keep shooting for the stars, but don't forget to enjoy where you are, too!
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