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Hunting the Elusive...

I never thought I would find anything more difficult than losing weight. It's true. Once you learn that weight loss is simply a deficit of caloric intake which is less than your caloric burn to stay alive + the ones you burn exercising, that's it. As long as in is less than out, you win. (same goes for money but not for sex) It took over a year, but I am not baffled by weight loss any longer; not even plateaus.

What I haven't figured out in life is this: How to get a job!

I have been without work since July 1st. It's the longest stretch of unemployment I have ever had. I started working for my dad when I was 14, and except for college, I have collected a paycheck. Even in college I had summer jobs, Christmas break jobs and even worked a little while I was talking classes.

Although I have been laid off a few times - well 3 times since 2000 and 5 times since 1993, I have always been back to work at a better job within weeks.

I have taken all sorts of classes on cover letters, resumes, interviewing, follow up, job searching and newtworking - trust me, I am not sitting around.

I have a great resume, a web site portfolio, excellent references, I look younger than I am, and I have 9 years of college as well as taking course now. What the heck is going on?!

This past week I had three interviews with the same company. The first was 90 minutes on the phone, the second was 3 hours and 45 minutes, and yesterday it was 4 hours! I met everyone in the company but the cleaning lady! Where's the job offer!!

I am no expert, but here are some things I have learned not to do before, or at, an interview:

- Text my BFF.
- Eat beans.
- Be negative about my past employers even though a couple screwed me.
- Show up late and blame it on them for not having a clearly marked entrance.
- Mention the US election results.
- Swear.
- Eat cake with blue icing. Everyone know that if your tongue is blue, you are lying.
- Leave my ringer on to Take this Job and Shove It.
- Eat garlic bread.
- Use the president as a reference.
- Write "not as often as I would like" on the application item Sex:
- Dress like a male hooker.
- Show up early and pick my teeth while sitting in the lobby.
- Show up with a beer and wad of chew. At least bring 2 beers, right?
- Volunteer information about my hobbies, age and family.
- Say praise Allah/God after they bring me a cup of water.
- Ask if "time served" refers to prison.
- Talk about carbs and protein and whether or not to eat your exercise calories.

Those are the things I avoided, what else should I be doing?

Thanks for the votes and comments.

79 votes + -

11 comments:

Denjo060 wrote 116 months ago:
Another good read as always

I feel for you This is my first time with out work too since I'm 17 although I haven't started looking yet I'm sure it will be a tough road for me. All I can say is it seems to me like you got this, especially if you have gone through all the interviews, I don't think hey would be wasting their time if they were not interested
Flyer615 wrote 116 months ago:
If you take gum, make sure you have enough for everyone. And never ever bring up your ability to field-strip an assault rifle while blind-folded.
SueGeer wrote 116 months ago:
I hear the BBC are looking for a new DG.......
DEEDLYNN wrote 116 months ago:
Sounds like you are doing everything right. I believe it will come to you. I've never seen anything that you do half heartedly. I will send prayers for the RIGHT position to come your way. :)
Espressocycle wrote 116 months ago:
I know how you feel. I have a job, but I want a new one. I apply for stuff that is literally exactly what I do now, albeit in a different industry, and never get a call back. I've been on these insane multi-visit interviews too. After the first two interviews, they should pay you for your time.
Betty_Canada wrote 116 months ago:
*lol*

I work as an employment facilitator (which basically means I shake people's resumes and see what falls out), and it sounds like you're on the right track. I've been laid off four times in the last seven years and this last time I was looking for almost 18 months before something "clicked".

Something I found really helpful personally when I was looking for work (and part of it is the market, it's not you - figure at least one month for every 10k of salary, plus a month of "changing gears") was to make a list of 100 things my next job had to have.

Some of those things were silly, like an office with a door I could close and a window. Many had to do with benefits and with pay rate. Many more had to do with what my coworkers were like and the makeup of my day (how much time spent doing admin, etc.), and the location of my office.

This is not for anyone else to see. Be specific about what you want. But the list has to be exactly 100 items - not 99, not 102. If you have too many, give something up or change something.

Incidentally, my present job has about 85-90% of the things in the list. The missed items are health coverage and business travel, and I can pay for the former, and the latter wasn't THAT important.

No, it won't help you get a job. What it WILL help you do is to know what you want. EXACTLY what you want. What it feels like, what it smells like, what it tastes like. And then, when you see it or hear about it, you can go after it with everything you've got, because you will be unreservedly confident that it's what you want to be doing.

There's a peculiar energy to defining something in this way. I suppose the mystics call it the law of attraction, but I've always just referred to it as having a clue what the target is.

You can't shoot an arrow if you have no target, and a properly targeted job search is a series of arrows, not a double handful of caltrops that you toss out in the desperate hope to take something, ANYTHING, down long enough to jump on board.

If your job is creative, you don't apply to be an accountant. If you love numbers, you probably don't want to be a receptionist. If you're hunting quail, you don't being a mallet. If you're hunting deer, don't lay trip snares.

Try the list of a hundred things. If nothing else, realizing that you don't want "anything" will start to move you in the direction of focusing on what you want. And at the expense of being a *little* mystical, the universe tends to like to make things you want happen much more than it does trying to avoid all the things you don't. :) It's less work.

=Betty=
Ta2dchic20 wrote 116 months ago:
Wow, sorry to hear you're having a tough time. As an employer, I can tell you with the economy what it is, employers can choose to be picky.

I'm not sure what it is you do for a living, but my suggestion is try to find a position where you have the most experience. When you're unemployed, it's not the best time to change fields. Employers want experience, that's what you compete against. My staff bill hospital claims to medical insurance. I have ruled people out for things such as; the reasons for employement gaps, giving too much personal information during an interview, being to rigid on desired work hours, and not giving SPECIFIC examples during the interview. If you feel I might have any other input, feel free to message me!
CaityB14 wrote 116 months ago:
Thats good advice Betty! Another great post. i will keep those ideas in mind when I go looking for my next job
harleigh67 wrote 116 months ago:
Ok you are doing it all wrong, I write on the sex AS OFTEN AS POSSIBLE, on the date line< NO THANKS I AM MARRIED, and person to call in case of emergency, 911 BECAUSE MY MOTHER CAN"T DO ANYTHING ABOUT IT!! ........... as for a JOB CHANGE GO FOR IT, go into politics man, their jobs are guaranteed not to lay off, and you can get benefits for the rest of your life, after only working a few years you don't have to do a good job you can can literally suck at your job & they still take care of you & you do not have to pay for it and you vote yourself in raises while everyone else struggles....you also get unlimited holidays off & multiple vacations!!
carolstartingover wrote 116 months ago:
Man up and get the knee pads. Ok that was just sick. Forget that one. That was for women anyway. Next: You have to sell yourself. My daughter hires for a very large company and she gave this advice. (not the knee pad stuff). They like words like "meeting deadlines' don't sound dramatic at all. They want you to do the job and not bitch about it. They also like if you can present new ideas once you learn the job, and you learn fast. You get along with people very well. You would be a valuable asset to have on board. These things that you already knew but I said them anyway. I am looking for a P/T job, but I don't need a big salary, I just need to do something I could enjoy and be good at, yes minimum wage you are right. I am 55 despite my profile. Still, I look healthy and I can lift. Lifting my hub out of wheelchair all those years, got some arms on me , so I kept lifting at fit club. That comes in handy when there is nobody who can lift it for you. You are a comedian and we surely need that.
Time2LoseWeightNOW wrote 116 months ago:
Hilarious....You should be on the late night shows with Letterman....hawking your comedy...or new book for former fatties.... Love it!!

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