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How Should I Log My Drugs?

This is my first blog since I had my shoulder surgery on July 5th. I have taken quite a bit of Vicodin and Percocet since I got home. That is because they would not allow me to have any of the special drugs I had in the OR like Versed, Demerol, Propofol, Morphine and Fantanyl. Please bear with me I can barely talk and I am using speech recognition software.

There are lots of things that I have learned about being a lefty in the last 24 hours.  The first one is I’ve learned to brush my nose and not my teeth. It was simply a discovery I made. Brushing is one of those things that I’m going to have practice.

Because I can’t take a shower, and I can’t aim the aerosol deodorant without getting it in my eyes, I have decided to wear an automobile hanging pine tree air freshener around my neck.

The bad news about taking narcotics – well actually there aren’t any, however; there is one drawback, and that is constipation. This is actually a good feature because I dread wiping myself with my left hand. I can picture my thumb tearing through the Scott’s… and well, you get the idea. I’m hoping that I can go a whole six weeks.

Speaking of narcotics, I noticed MFP does not have them in the food log. So I’m just going to add them as a handful of peanuts.

There is some more good news about having surgery, and that is that I do not have much of an appetite! All I can think of is eating handfuls of peanuts. They did tell me that I should have a lot of protein. Apparently they want to make sure that the constipation is made to perfection and can’t be removed without a chisel and hammer.

I also found it interesting when I started to use my electric shaver, which hadn’t been used some years; it had a bug in it.  I’m not even sure if some of the hair which blew out of it was even mine. I did manage to shave a half of my face before the battery went dead. After I have another handful of peanuts I’ll do the other side.

I went down to get something to drink earlier today and the dog doesn’t recognize me. Maybe it’s the patch I have over my eye, the arm sling. Or maybe it was because I was shouting like Captain Morgan in my best Pirate.

This morning my wife had to remind me not to go outside my boxer shorts, but it was too late, I was already on the front porch. She asked was doing out there, and I told her, “looking for peanuts.”

Thanks for all the votes and comments and especially your prayers. 

110 votes + -

33 comments:

landay wrote 120 months ago:
Hilarious blog... praying for a quick recovery!!
aweigh2go wrote 120 months ago:
Wow! I didn't think they could get any funnier!
aliciagetshealthy wrote 120 months ago:
If you're outside anyway, just ask the wife to hose you down so you can get past that shower thing...also, I recommend having a bidet installed so you have it ready once that constipation issue is resolved. You know where to find me if you need any more useful tips! =) Now go get you some peanuts!
wisebadger53 wrote 120 months ago:
You are a riot on pain killers! It will be a shame when they take you off of the drugs! Oh, no...that's right you were hilarious before the surgery too! Hope you feel better soon!
GentlyLosing wrote 120 months ago:
I think those handful of peanuts (reminds me of the Snickers Bar commercial from when I was a kid..."a handful of peanuts in every bar) make a better writer out of you. Get well soon...your handful of peanuts = our snickers...and guffaws!
ktfitzgerald wrote 120 months ago:
Funniest ever!!!!!!
babygurl48 wrote 120 months ago:
Omg!!!!!Hilarious!!!! LMAO!!!!
deannarey13 wrote 120 months ago:
HILARIOUS!
Hoppymom wrote 120 months ago:
Poor MaryAnn. She's going to have to low-jack you to keep you out of trouble.
pittsblue99 wrote 120 months ago:
That is hilarious! I hope you feel better soon :)
readyforthejourney wrote 120 months ago:
Haha this is awesome!! Prayers your way!
EricNCSU wrote 120 months ago:
I work in a pain clinic, and so I recognize every name you threw out.. as they say in stoner movies... "That's some good **** man..."

Good news... Opiates don't have any calories.. so you don't need to log them!!

Feel better man!
lastchance2010 wrote 120 months ago:
omg i'm so glad there is hardly n e one left at my job because i'm over here in tears laughing so hard! That was awesome!!! wait...i have to read that again cuz that was awesome!!!
lastchance2010 wrote 120 months ago:
P.S. I wish you a speedy recovery and in the next 6 weeks I hope your thumb doesn't wrip thru the tissue and well..u know the rest...LOL no more looking for peanuts outside in ur drawers..k? :D
sazzyp1973 wrote 120 months ago:
funny post! Get well soon, hope the recovery is incident free!
Denjo060 wrote 120 months ago:
LMFAO this is too funny I cant wait for the book and just for the record yo may want to try some Metamucil
Take care John get better soon and please dont ever lose you sense of humor
LOVE IT
lesle1 wrote 120 months ago:
Funny! : ) Get better soon!
AlexanderK1994 wrote 120 months ago:
Lol, love your posts! Hoping for a quick recovery for you :D
felicity866 wrote 120 months ago:
funny...funny...funny!!!!....hope your lefty skills pick up quickly that toilet paper can be deadly stuff!!
headlock_lynn wrote 120 months ago:
Your terrific sense of humour will see you through this. Thanks so much for the chuckle even though it's at your expense. Praying for a quick recovery for you and then you can shed the car air freshner and start cleaning your teeth again instead of your nose. You'll have the cleanest nose out there. All the best.
jfrog123 wrote 120 months ago:
Knock back your peanuts with a glass of water spiked with Miralax and you'll be back in business in no time :-)
jhardenbergh wrote 120 months ago:
I was gonna ask you how you log the vicoden, then thought you could look at the label and create a recipe for it or you can create a new food item for it.
rukus1 wrote 120 months ago:
Been right where you are now John. My surgery was in March and I too am a right handed person! Baby wipes are the answer to tissue paper, and good luck combing you hair with your left hand as well as eating left handed. Hope your recovery is speedy and that your therpy goes well!
staroftheeast wrote 120 months ago:
ROFLOL! Yah good drugs will do it every time. Good well soon. Eat that steak & extra oranges. Sending prayers for a speedy recovery.
oregonzoo wrote 120 months ago:
As one who recently had surgery, and has spent a month on pain pills, I get this. Thank you for the laughs.

(my hand is in a cast, I now type with my thumb on my left hand).
Mustangsally1000 wrote 120 months ago:
Was actually excited when I saw you had posted a blog! Was waiting for this! And worth the wait! Great stuff. Great advice from some of your friends...You are the Almighty!!!! enjoy your nuts! :D
EBakkenPacificNW wrote 120 months ago:
My late DH had total shoulder joint replacements. No, not at the same time. You learn all the tricks. Don't log the peanuts. Your body's metabolic rate as you are healing is in high gear.
Fruits, vegetables, and healthy oils will help the constipation issues.
Good luck.
Caniac68 wrote 120 months ago:
Great post, thanks for the chuckle! I had a thought as I was reading it though. You mentioned MFP not having medications in the food entry. Have you considered Googleing the nutrition info and then entering it yourself as a My Food item? That might solve that logging issue...if you can find the information online, that is. Best of luck and a speedy recovery to you!
livingdeadbuddha wrote 120 months ago:
Too, too funny. Good on you for still being with it enough to want to track everything! Rock on!
MaretL wrote 120 months ago:
TOO FUNNY!!! My stomach hurts after that laughing session!! Get better soon!!
Weeblewobble123 wrote 120 months ago:
Just found your blog... so thanks for the smile! You have my prayers that the Lord will continue to bless you with a remarkable sense of humor... oh, and to heal you as well, of course.

You remind me of a dear friend of mine. When he was a young teenager he had a skateboarding accident that resulted in him having a severe compound fracture of his arm... so he walks into the Emergency room with his horridly distorted forearm and calmly asks the nurse, "So, do you think its broken?"

After his surgery... when he was barely coming out of the anesthesia, the nurse calmly says his name and asks him if he has ever been in the hospital before. He weakly opens his eyes and slowly says, "Yes.... at birth." Considering he wasn't truly coherent at the time, I took it as proof that his insane sense of humor was in his genetic makeup!

As for me... well, I totally understand about the drug induced constipation. In Nov I was struck by a distracted driver and spent 4 days and 3 nights in the trauma center in beautiful Las Vegas. Now, I suffer from GERD and yet because I had a back injury that they were unsure about I had to spend the first night there flat on my back with my legs elevated.

I tried to explain that this position might be better for my back but that I was in danger of drowning should my stomach decide to be it normal evil self... they assured me that they would be able to save me if that did happen... oh, joy. So, terrified about suffocating on the remains of my last meal... I prayed that the Lord would protect... and **POOF** I lost any and all appetite and never ate any food for the whole 4 days...

I am also rather shy about my body (read compulsively private!) So the idea of having the rather cute orderly 'help' me with using the bed pan was definitely something I did not want to experience... so again, I prayed that God would save me from this minor (but greatly important) problem... and again, **POOF** No going potty in the hospital.

Four days with no food... no bowel movements... lots of morphine and other nicely narcotic concoctions... and needless to say I totally understand what its like to both want to goooooo and yet not want to attempt to wipe!

Personally, I found some comfort from those wet wipes for that you use for babies... they are tougher than toilet paper, moistened for easier cleaning (and gripping), and they leave you nicely scented... so you don't have to rely so much on those pine tree deodorizers.
lisauriell wrote 120 months ago:
Hysterical! Can I log the calories I burned laughing at the humor in your blogs? Hope you are back to your healthy self soon.
Cjoseph03 wrote 120 months ago:
First of your blogs that I have read and I laughed so hard I cried. Wishing you a speedy recovery!

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