Holy smokes, life can get downright overwhelming. Work, single-parenting, softball games, my oldest getting married in October, food shopping, laundry, house cleaning, some significant health issues and - oh yeah, breathing. In the middle of that, I have to manage food and exercise.

It's enough to make someone go on a eating binge!

After doing this food and exercise thing for over 5 years, I have sort of lost my mojo. When I got sick in October, I started to feel like the old me. The one that didn’t really care about my food choices. First it was the quantity of food, and then it was the quality. I kept telling myself things like, "don't deny yourself this treat." "It's a cheat day." "You'll get back on track the next meal." "Gaining weight is a side effect of the medications - really, it is!"

The scale didn't listen, it just went up 15 pounds.

I ran less, felt worse and ate more. If I keep this up, all that I have gained could be lost. This journey is a matter of constant vigilance. I am angry at me, and angry at my body. I have worked harder - probably harder than most to overcome the unfit, overweight mess that I was 5 years ago.

I feel like giving up.

It just seems like an uphill battle and I confess, I didn't feel like fighting it. Every run was difficult and I didn't feel great. Emotionally, the bazillion doctor’s appointments took their toll. I kept on saying after this is over. The truth is, that for the rest of my life, I am going to need skin checks for melanoma, my yearly endoscopy for colon cancer and for now, I am continuing the surveillance of prostate cancer.

There really isn't an "after this."

I took a long walk on the beach with someone who cares about me. It was there that I decided that I would have to reclaim my life. One pound at a time. One mile at a time. One meal at a time. Out there with the crashing waves and salt air, it all seemed to fall in place. It helped having some support.

First I would have to give up what was.

I had to admit I am not fit enough to run a marathon. That I am not fit enough to run a personal best in a half marathon. Hell, not even in a 5K. That wasn't going to stop me. I registered for a half marathon. I ran my best effort and it was 14 minutes slower than my best ever. It was also the longest distance I have run since December.

I finished and I win! :P

I registered for a 5K. It was 3 minutes slower than my best. I was very disappointed, But I ran. So I ran another one this past weekend. It was 2 minutes slower than my best; however, I took 2nd in my age group.

One race at a time, I will improve. I have another this Saturday.

The food has been more difficult. I bought some new smaller portion tubs and a new food scale. I just have to reduce the quantity. For the most part, the quality is back up! I logged half a day and I WILL get back to logging it all.

I was thinking that running is more fun with someone else.

I went for a run with an MFP friend last week (thanks Kristin!). We had a lot of fun. I have a run with another buddy this week. He and I ran Boston last year. We registered for the London Marathon lottery yesterday. I also have neighbor that I run with when she is around. I am back to running 4 or 5 days a week. It's not the 180 miles a month I once did. I improved from 65 in March to 85 miles April.

I win.

I also am making sure I get my Fitbit steps in. 10,00 per day if I have to put it on the dog's collar; it WILL happen!

The message today is this; whatever life has for me, I am only living it today. Today I am going to win. My goals are to improve. Improve from where I am now and not lamenting the leaner faster me of last year.

I am just going to make the me I am today better than it was.

I have had a struggle with faith and love and some of those things which tend to stabilize me. It wasn’t that I lost faith. It was more that I wasn’t connecting. I am also making progress there.

For today, I believe just like I have since 1978. I believe in the power of love to transform me. I also believe in me - that I can receive it. That’s progress. It’s cost me a few tears. I have also made a list of stuff I need to address in life so I can be more stress free. Making the list helped. Making a few phone calls I will never have to make again was really great.

Faith is important to me. I didn't get this far on willpower alone.

Thanks for the votes and comments.

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