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Finding Strength

Have you had a day where nothing seems to go right? Have you been awake late at night thinking about your failures? Have you gotten up early in the morning only to feel overwhelmed? I know I have.

So many of those days I got up with zero strength.

Feeling completely powerless happened a few times in life - well, quite a few times. Four years ago when I was getting serious about weight loss, I would lay in bed and feel like I would never accomplish anything. I was about 100 pounds overweight. In spite of how I felt, I lost about 60 pounds that first year. I had a lot of health issues ranging from congestive heart failure to a torn meniscus and a torn rotator cuff.

Being a beast was physically impossible.

Some days I would get up and feel like I would never recover from heart disease. The truth was it was unlikely that I would anyway. Every obstacle caused me the same sort of crises in confidence. You see, I never recovered from heart disease before; why would I think that I could? Back in the 80s I tried to be a rock star. I met a lot the famous musicians and was well connected. No matter how hard I tried, I never got a recording contract. My failures were not for lack of trying, but actual limitations.

I hate limitations!

Finding our limitations is actually a relief. Unless we try, we have no idea what we are capable of. There was a time when I didn't think I could run a 5K. But then I ran a 10K, a half marathon and have since completed 6 marathons - with a few more scheduled before years end.

The hard part is a daily dose of strength.

Most of you know that I did beat heart disease. I am off all my heart meds and I didn't need a heart transplant. Recently I have been battling cancer. A year after I had melanoma, the skin cancer showed up again. In between episodes, I got divorced and now I am moving again. Some days I'd get up and don't want to eat the right things.

I need strength.

Some days I don't have the strength to take care of myself as I should. This time I had three surgeries in one week. I would just start feeling OK, and then I was back under the knife. The pinch of local anesthesia. The pull of sutures. The smell of antiseptic. One hour past, two hours past, three hours past, four hours past...

I was beyond my own strength.

It's been almost 2 weeks. I have endured a lot. I am feeling better. I will have my sutures out tomorrow. I just don't seem to be able to find the strength I need for everything else. My MFP community reminds and inspires me to be vigilant. I belong to an online cancer support group. I am reminded that it could be a lot worse.

So I am living today like it's my last. I am saving for retirement and spending the rest. I am still very aware of what I eat. When I can run, I run.

Running gives me strength.

72 votes + -

14 comments:

KOW75 wrote 83 months ago:
You give me strength! Thank you so much - and remember, you can lean on us when you need to rest.
VryIrishGirl76 wrote 83 months ago:
hugs.
This too shall pass, but in the mean time, you arent alone.
Dootzy1 wrote 83 months ago:
But you are a rock star to many of us!! You are touching so many lives with your writing, thanks for sharing it with us.
Hoppymom wrote 83 months ago:
,,,and yet you seem strong to me. You log what you eat. You workout all the time. you are fighting cancer fiercely. You write and support the rest of us. Keep going Dave; you are stronger than you feel right now. You efforts to push us have meaning and remind us who we are and who we can be. You help many people and you matter Dave, not just because of those things either. You have kids who love you and friends who would help out if we were closer. Stay strong, rest when necessary, live as well as you can.
celticlass69 wrote 83 months ago:
What you are going through isn't easy to say the least. You've found what grounds you, makes you stronger and take some solace in it. We never do know what will be our last day, Carpe Diem! Anytime you need a shoulder, or an ear, just reach out. :)
WWnot wrote 83 months ago:
I'm sure you've seen the same sign being waved at you during races as i have: "Way To Go Random Stranger, You Can Do This!" or variations thereof. Today I'll turn that around. So from one random stranger who runs, to you, a runner who's struggling a bit through this race, "GO, dsjohndrow, GO! You can do this!!! You're Looking Good!!!" Pace yourself, do what you need to do and hang in there. The collective positive energy being sent your way from your MFP friends will carry you when you flag. Including this random stranger's positive energy being sent to you. You're in my thoughts.
LinOtt wrote 83 months ago:
One day at a time - thats all that is required!
stevenleagle wrote 83 months ago:
You've got the strength for a top blog!
Mustangsally1000 wrote 83 months ago:
God Bless, Dave. Lots of lovely comments here, and I agree with them all. ((hugs))
heather4949 wrote 83 months ago:
We are with you every step of the way......
californiagirl2012 wrote 83 months ago:
Yes we all have those days. We get up and DO IT ANYWAY.

Everyone has those battles and adversities they have overcome, so you are a survivor too, so just keep doing it. ? ? -Roberta
Kass0708 wrote 83 months ago:
I am so glad to read that you have overcome heart disease. That is an amazing feat all itself and you should definitely be proud of that and use that for strength as well. Whenever you feel down and weak just tell yourself Hey I beat one thing already, I can do it again with this.

Sending prayers and good thoughts your way with the cancer. That's tough and yet you are still on here staying positive and eating for whats right for you. Amazing
blazincajun wrote 83 months ago:
Dave,
You have been through so much and have kept the ultimate goal of being healthy your major focus. I think you obviously have what it takes. I to workout for similar reasons and wish to be around for my loved ones. Really enjoyed you sharing your life with us through your blog. You are an inspiration. Keep it up!

Andrew

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