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Converting the Heathen

In the beginning of your fitness journey there is a lot of self-doubt and insecurity surrounding your ability to make this whole thing happen. Two days in you get mugged by a donut in the break room at work, your shopping cart automatically turns down the cookie aisle, you try to run and fall off the couch and trip over the coffee table before you get out the door, and you threw up in the drinking fountain at the gym.

Stage 1 is hell.

Stage 2 is where you trip skinny people on the escalator because you are jealous and even angry that you have to work at this and you are convinced they don't. You look at your journey as what you are giving up, not what you are gaining. Somewhere inside you still think you want this.

Stage 3 is hopefully where the light goes on - not just the in the refrigerator! Like the time you walked an hour to earn 320 calories and ate it back with two Girl Scout cookies!

Then, the transformation begins to happen; you start to notice what everyone else is doing wrong when it comes to their food and exercise. New reformers are a pain the @$$ to those around them. I know I was.

I was before I started this journey.

Here is some stuff I would say/do when I was in Stage 3:
- When I saw someone pouring a gallon of Ranch dressing on their diet salad I would say, "I've been to Hidden Valley and they have live stock - umm which poops - I am not sure if that is what those little black specs are."

- When the party next to me at Golden Corral is eating a tray of baby back ribs I would be tempted to say, "Did you know that pork is supposed to be cooked until it reaches an internal temperature of 160 degrees F?"

- When I saw someone drinking Diet Coke I would speak up and say, "Did you know if you leave a penny in that stuff overnight it will shine like new in the morning? And if you do it with a couple of quadrillion pennies you could make a shiny dent in the national US national debt."

- I would sit in the drive-thru at McDonalds and scare away business with fake vomit on my car door or put fake cow patties at the entrance to Burger King.

- I put vitamins in a Ghirardelli bag and resealed it at Walmart.

- I would go shopping in my stinky running clothes and stand guard in the Twinkie aisle.

- When I would see someone at the salad bar filling their plate with bacon bits and croutons, I just sneezed in their direction. "You probably should get another plate."

- I put celery and carrots in trick-or-treat bags on Halloween.

- At Thanksgiving I would drop the gravy and the mashed potatoes on the floor for the dogs. "Sorry folks, just turkey, green beans and creamed onions which no one eats anyway."

- At Christmas I bought everyone new underwear that was one size too small.

- I would take my friends out for dinner and pretended the car ran out of gas in front of Whole Foods.

- At the dentist I would wear a fake tooth and talk about chocolate in the waiting room with the other patients.

- When people asked my how I lost almost a 100 pounds, I would tell them I cut my real legs off with a chainsaw.

- Post recipes on Facebook.

Nah, not really - well except for the recipes. I am shy, so you are safe.

So what do you do to convince others to try your way of life?

Thanks for the votes and comments (you can do both)!

41 votes + -

17 comments:

MonicaA2013 wrote 68 months ago:
HAHAHAAH Seen some of these done..LOL I have THOUGHT about a LOT of different things to do/say but never let them out of my head. Great post yet again !!
Leigh_b wrote 68 months ago:
As a rule, I try not to offer too much advice as I know the best way to "convert" anyone to this crazy healthy lifestyle is to be a mostly silent example - offering advice in the form of my own life experience when asked and then offering encouragement and support when someone finally takes that very difficult first step forward (and the inevitable two steps back).

I was not young when I started down this path and I use that fact to encourage people who feel they are "too old" to change their ways... Especially with people who are just meeting me now and did not know me in that time before. People often see the things I can do and the way I live my life and assume that I have always been that way... but the truth of the matter is that I took the first step down this road 5 years ago... and as much as I LOVE my life now... it was not an easy journey to get here. I find sharing that side of the story is usually most inspiring to others.

I have two young children (I had my girls at what the medical community calls "advanced maternal age") and I started, manage and organize a mileage club at their elementary school. In conjunction with this, I coordinate a school team each year (2017 will be our 4th) to participate in a local kids marathon (they train for 3 months logging 25 miles and then on race day complete the last 1.2 miles of the marathon). In doing, many of the parents have been inspired to run themselves either working their way up to the same 1.2 miles their children are training for or taking a step up to the 5K.

Part of what inspired me to find this healthy way of life was my mother's poor health and the complications and struggles that came along with the choices she made early in life to be careless with her health. Sadly, at age 73, she passed away earlier this year.

Similarly inspired, this year at age 75, my father decided to begin running. In conjunction with watching my mother struggle to fight her last battle with cancer without the mental or physical strength necessary to win, he decided to take on a challenge that many people half his age are unwilling to do... and while I know that much of the inspiration he found was grounded in his desire to be as strong and healthy as possible...he has always been active in many other ways...I like to think that his choice of running was influenced... if only a little bit... by me. On December 10th he will run his first 5K.

The benefit of beginning to run at age 75? He will always win an age group award!
purebredpolly wrote 68 months ago:
This is hysterical! Two girl scout cookies! LOL!
dsjohndrow wrote 68 months ago:
I am not kidding about the Girl Scout cookies!
purebredpolly wrote 68 months ago:
I know, that's why it's so funny. We've all been there, just incredulous that exercise burns so little in comparison to how much there is in calories to certain foods. Girl scout cookies *snort* I swear, about knocked me off my chair it was so funny! You've got a gift with the humor!
mycoffeeinbed wrote 68 months ago:
Damn those girl scout cookies! Great post!
JeromeBarry1 wrote 68 months ago:
It seems I convinced others at work to take up this journey by being enthusiastic, successful, and vocal.
allmannerofthings wrote 68 months ago:
Speak peace unto the heathen!
pizzafruit wrote 68 months ago:
Another great post. I'm struggling to get past stage 1. I know I can do this I just need to involve myself in more positive self talk while making the healthy choices I know I need to make.
GYATagain wrote 68 months ago:
Love your blog! I, also, loved the girl scout cookie scene, because I've been there! Stage 1- I was very inside my own head and involved in trying to figure it out. Hence, the first year of this journey, which I did not start until I was 55 and had been "fluffy" for most of my adult life, I stayed to myself and worked, worked, worked. 70+ pounds down and Year 2, people would ask/comment "Wow!! How did you do it?" How long has it been? Are you still on a diet? And I erroneously thought they really wanted to know and wouldn't pull any punches telling them exactly how and what they needed to do.... Wrong! Year 3, still maintaining much to many folks consternation. Now, when people comment/ask, I smile and just say I am a work in progress. Have found that everyone needs to figure it out the best way they can for themselves.
farmboyphotography wrote 68 months ago:
I'm so glad I haven't been trapped by the Girl Scout cookies. But the Boy Scouts are selling popcorn right now, so I'm still in trouble. I better go for another walk. ;-)
hiphoplady29 wrote 68 months ago:
I needed this laugh...I'm in tears. Literally j/p but I could cry cause girl scout cookies sound nice right now ;-)
marlown wrote 68 months ago:
So funny. But not so funny that I keep going back to Stage 1, then Stage 2, then back to Stage 1, then skip to Stage 3, sometimes talking but not walking the talk. NEVER GIVE UP is my advice. I have been on this journey for several years and have not yet reached my final weight goal. I don't like to rush things:)! BUT I have maintained my lowest weight (well, within 15-20 lbs, lol). Most people think I'm a success story, but I still haven't "made" it. It's a journey, a marathon, not a sprint. Thanks for your continuing inspiration and laughs!
Anniepi66 wrote 68 months ago:
I've been through 1 and 2 and partially into 3 all within almost two years come December. Oddly, today is the day I found the awakening again. I've gone up and down so much since December 10, 2014, I feel like a yo-yo. Guess that's why it's called yo-yo dieting! Love this post today for it has given me extra umph for my awakening - again! :) I'm 68 now, will be 69 in January, have a 50th wedding anniversary in May; and I'll be hanged if I die from ill health because of my poor eating habits, lack of exercise and before I reach 70. If you keep posting your hilarious blogs, I will keep reading and being inspired. Being, at the beginning, 110 pounds overweight is the pits. Dead is worse.
melissaanderson8 wrote 67 months ago:
My Jr. High students are monitoring my progress. After reading your post to my writing class, you have been voted funnier than I am. And I’m just saying—that’s a whole lot of funny, sir.

Plus your grammar is spot on; hence, me using your blog in class. (They think we're just wasting time talking about health . . . Hey, I didn't get "teacher of the year" cause I'm not sneaky.) They are now working on their own list of diet rhetoric. Jr. High boys and 100 and one ways to scare people into saying on their diets during the holidays. Bawah-haaa-haaaa. . .!

They are pretty good: I’ve lost 15 pounds since they started weighing me each week and decided that I have to dance on the lunchroom table—during lunch—if I gain.
We do live close to New Orleans where that sort of thing is quite acceptable, but my mamma is a Sunday-school teacher and you know somebody’s grandmother would let her know . . . I may be 52 year old, but I ain’t gonna embarrass my mamma . . .
melissaanderson8 wrote 67 months ago:
My Jr. High students are monitoring my progress. After reading your post to my writing class, you have been voted funnier than I am. And I’m just saying—that’s a whole lot of funny, sir.

Plus your grammar is spot on; hence, me using your blog in class. (They think we're just wasting time talking about health . . . Hey, I didn't get "teacher of the year" cause I'm not sneaky.) They are now working on their own list of diet rhetoric. Jr. High boys and 100 and one ways to scare people into saying on their diets during the holidays. Bawah-haaa-haaaa. . .!

They are pretty good: I’ve lost 15 pounds since they started weighing me each week and decided that I have to dance on the lunchroom table—during lunch—if I gain.
We do live close to New Orleans where that sort of thing is quite acceptable, but my mamma is a Sunday-school teacher and you know somebody’s grandmother would let her know . . . I may be 52 years old, but I ain’t gonna embarrass my mamma . . .

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