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Coffee: Because Sleep is for Wimps!

I am back at work. It's pretty amazing: surgery on Thursday, driving on Monday and working on Tuesday! Using the crutches to run the gas and brake pedals took some getting used to, but I practiced in the driveway first.

My employer tried to lose me while I was out. They moved the office 6 miles away while I was investigating the celestial bodies and having lunch with Alice in Wonderland. Fortunately, I caught up with them on Tuesday. Of course they were well hidden deep within the bowels of an office building which takes up a city block. Add to that, armed security guards who look like TSA agents, and you begin to see how much effort they put into abandoning me.

What's worse is now that I am here, they are still trying to get rid of me - and well everyone else. The new space came without self-serve coffee and a water bubbler. They do however, have a vending machine that sells bottled water for $2, and will soon have one which sells coffee for $2.50.

My MFP friends have already weighed in, telling me to occupy, protest, revolt, throw a Boston Coffee Party, get a Kuerig, bring a Thermos, quit (I make 6 figures!) and one even said: "Don't be stupid, bottled water is tap water!" Well, I know chlorine when I taste it, and it gives me hives. The water here is loaded with it!

I only drink one cup of caffeinated coffee per day since my heart trauma in April. I also drink one cup of decaf each day because I enjoy coffee. Add to that 3 or 4 bottles of water or the equivalent, and you can see why all of this is a problem for moi! According to my wife, they have broken the cardinal rule of human resources: "Don't take benefits away from employees."

I already bring lunch and snacks, so now I need to add some water and coffee to my lunch pack - which will now need to be a street-vendor cart! (If you are from certain places, also known as a roach coach.)

In addition, I have a confession to make. My lunch pack is one of those free Gerber formula kit carry bags. NO! It does not have the bottles in it. It does, however; hold three 2-cup plastic tubs, a banana, an ounce of nuts, and silverware. Ah yes, it also has a place for my reading glasses and iPod. I know, no punch on the man-card for that. It was funny watching security inspect it on my first day. If I had known that was going to happen, I would put have put in a breast pump or something just to see his face.

I am done ranting, but not thinking about coffee.

You might be a coffee addict if...

...you own a Kuerig, a drip percolator, and an espresso machine.
...you think Starbucks and Dunkin Donuts coffee without a "shot" tastes weak.
...you spend more on coffee than you do on gasoline.
...your coffee cup has a picture of a coffee cup on it.
...you can only drink coffee from a certain cup.
...you can't do anything in the morning without coffee, including making coffee. (Think about it.)
...your first-aid kit contains packets of instant coffee.
...you think a Latte is Italian for "you paid too much."
...your blood type is regular with 2 sugars.
...you think caffeine is a food group.
...you thank God for those who planted the coffee beans in Columbia.
...you post pictures on Facebook with cups of coffee in them.
...you think running out of toilet paper is less of a problem than running out of coffee.

Thanks for the comments and votes, you are amazing!

96 votes + -

33 comments:

amybell68 wrote 120 months ago:
brace yourself......I hate coffee!!! the taste is horrible!! but I love the smell.... but I love your post!! funny!!
SixCatFaerie wrote 120 months ago:
I think I sweat coffee... Ha! :-D
AdAstra47 wrote 120 months ago:
I always love your posts. <3

Have you seen the TV series "Firefly"? There's a great scene in one ep, husband and wife are in bed, he wants to fool around some more but she's tired, and he tells her "Sleepiness is weakness of character, everyone knows that." That's all I could think of when I saw "...because sleep is for wimps." :-)
FindingTotalHealth wrote 120 months ago:
Love this!!
aliciagetshealthy wrote 120 months ago:
Caffeine IS a food group! I don't care for the fancy coffee, so really I'm not hard to please...I knew that I was a good fit for my company when I went for the interview and saw my vanilla creamer at the coffee station...and my coffee pot at home - timer! Coffee is ready when I wake up! =) ...take away my coffee and you'd better be providing a couch, cuz I'm gonna need a nap!
kkuhly wrote 120 months ago:
How about, you know your a coffee addict if....your friend gave you a coffee plant for christmas and told you you had to remain friends for at least 3-1/2 years because thats how long it takes for it to start producing (if I dont end up killing it first, of course)!
czechsmate wrote 120 months ago:
lol....love it, once again thank you for the afternoon chuckle!
Hoppymom wrote 120 months ago:
Aways worth reading. I don't drink coffee as after 1/4 cup, the one time I tried it (in the morning) had me so hyper I was literally standing up in bed at midnight. My husband was like, "What the heck are you doing?!?!?" I told him I couldn't sleep. I was almost crying I was so agitated. Never again. Never. Love the smell though.
navygunner wrote 120 months ago:
I don't own the Kuerig machine I think that is weak tasting lame coffee, I however own a drip Mr. Coffee, which I use with French Roast coffee, an espresso maker, and three different sizes of italian stove top espresso brewing pots. Hmmm... I must be a an addict according to your description.

Besides, I can drink a cuadruple espresso or a 16 oz mug of French Roast with double grounds and fall asleep with no problem. PS I also drink Mountain Dew (diet) for the extra caffeine in it.
mstemen wrote 120 months ago:
"you can't do anything in the morning without coffee, including making coffee. (Think about it.)" I'm not a coffee drinker but that literally made me laugh out loud!
aliciamille wrote 120 months ago:
Great post! And yeah, I wouldn't quit if I made six figures...I'd pay someone to take my coffee to me, in a gold-plated cup :) Just kidding...I live in Chicago and I know that the cost of living is much higher than in small towns

I don't think I'm an addict because I like my coffee to NOT taste like coffee. I used to do like 4 sugars and load it up with cream, but then I realized how many calories it is :(

Now I have to settle for a Splenda and a couple of scoops of fat free non-dairy creamer. Yeah, definitely not an addict. One cup per day boosts my productivity but I can function without it...barely :)
jlira01 wrote 120 months ago:
I would consider it a business opportunity and setup shop in your employers building and sell both coffee and water at half the cost..you'll still make a profit and possibly retire earlier ; )
RaeN81 wrote 120 months ago:
Buy yourself a little coffee maker (maybe a Keurig or something like that) for your desk. Put those 6 figures to good use!
bllowry wrote 120 months ago:
You had me giggling at my desk! Neither my hubby or I drink coffee, but get between me and the kettle....well you're on your own!
alinnert4374 wrote 120 months ago:
You could get a Brita water pitcher or some other type of filtered pitcher...
I have one at my office since you can definitely taste the chlorine in the water here.
shivaslives wrote 120 months ago:
Caffeine is about the last of my vices so I feel your pain. Our coffee machines are horrible so I always bring home brewed anyway. However, I prefer my caffeine cold. Thankfully my employer subsidizes the soda machines and I only have to pay $50 for bottle of diet soda. With tough economic times, I'm waiting for that to change.
AEcklar813 wrote 120 months ago:
Can i just say that I love that you used the word bubbler! My husband thinks I'm a nut because he never knew what a bubbler was until he met me. I'm originally from Mass and he was born and raised here in Lexington KY where we live. Here, it's a water fountain.

On another note - I've been more into coffee lately. I had coffee all the time back in Mass. But here, theres no DD's on EVERY corner like there is back home. I have been making more coffee at home in the mornings though. I'm sorry they took all the good stuff away from you.
GentlyLosing wrote 120 months ago:
Great Blog....love coffee, but not usually the Fivebucks....er I mean Starbucks variety. My suggestion is a small coffee maker at your desk...if the firecode allows!
drvvork wrote 120 months ago:
I'm there as a coffee addict... I confess. I've been drinking it since the age of 3 - can't even go to sleep at night without having my nightly cup of coffee before bed. LOL
juscallmeb wrote 120 months ago:
this was great. lol thanks .
i'm a coffee lover :)
jmelyan23 wrote 120 months ago:
I'm probably the ONLY person in the entire world who cares for neither the taste or smell of coffee, lol. My family who drinks it swear I came from another planet. Oh well, I still thought your blog was hilariously awesome! Nicely done :)
denice0414 wrote 120 months ago:
Always enjoy your blogs...thanks for writing!!!
Elleinnz wrote 120 months ago:
One more .....you chose your new apartment because of the location of 6 coffee shops within a 3 minute walk ;-)

Sallycinnimon wrote 120 months ago:
If I could have an I.V. drip plus a cup in my hand, that would be perfect. Just about all those describe me. LOL
missyyclaire wrote 120 months ago:
If you leave a glass, or pitcher of water out overnight, the chlorine will evaporate. I do this now and then and the water tastes better
ProudMomoftwo wrote 120 months ago:
Neither my Dh nor I have ever liked anything about coffee ( smell, taste, cost, and all caffeine makes me super hyper ) but I did enjoy reading your blog.
Funny stuff.
I hope you can use some of the ideas above to fix the problems in the new building.
Le_Joy wrote 120 months ago:
I always say sleep is for losers and coffee is for wimps. But no free drinkable (chlorine free) water is unacceptable!
lururu wrote 120 months ago:
If you substitute the word 'coffee' for 'tea' then thats me - I am Welsh afterall. Welsh people are made up of 70% tea :) The other 30% is just pure awesomeness :D

I can't do anything in the morning before a cup of tea, including making a cup of tea, so my husband makes it for me :)
Sharon009 wrote 120 months ago:
You just described me to a tee...definite coffee addict.
Amayrial wrote 120 months ago:
mmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmm coffee... I actually said to a boyfriend once who gets up way earlier then me "if you think you are going to be making too much noise and will wake me, just have coffee waiting, all will be forgiven"
chedges9090 wrote 120 months ago:
complete coffee addict here! I think coffee is one of the great and simple pleasures of life. It makes me sad when I hear that there are people who don't like it. AND.. with flavored creamers ? YUM!! Sometimes, I just can't wait to get up in the morning so I can drink it.. wonder if that's why I get up at 3am??? hmmm ..
Justien_c wrote 120 months ago:
I have to admit, most of the "you might be a coffee addict if..." applies to me. I have been known to have a "pre-coffee" coffee. Pre-coffee coffee is a quad-shot latte at home before the early morning meet up at the coffee shop. My daughter, at 2yrs old, once brought me a packet of instant coffee in bed and said "wake up mommy!" Mmmm! Coffee! I don't have a problem, except of course when the coffee runs out. :)

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