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A Woman's Guide to Football - Another Must Read

My blog A Woman's Guide to Hockey was such a great success, that my regular readers asked me to write one for football. Football isn't all that interesting to me, but it sure is to a lot of folks. Did you know that more TVs are sold for viewing the Super Bowl than any other time of year - including my birthday!

Last time the woman hockey fans were offended and wanted credit for not only knowing the rules and terms of the game, but where I get off dissing others. If that sounds like you and you are easily offended, this blog is not for you.

I also want to thank my friend Bill_I_Am for sending me the following list which I have added a handful of sarcasm, a touch of absurdity, and left a grain of truth to.

Audible: Yelling Numbers. IE: 35 + 52 = 101 They never add up, however; most of the players never passed algebra, so to them, it doesn't matter. It is meant to have the defense scratching their head.

Blitz: 1. Sometimes known as "smash the guy trying to throw the ball." The object of a blitz is to tackle the quarterback. 2. A term used in tailgating for "too drunk to know who's playing." Bill was too drunk and thought the Broncos won.

Center: The huge guy right in the middle who hides the ball between his legs. He and the quarterback (the guy with his hands on the center's butt) have an unique relationship. It is a form of tailgating.

Defense: 1. Turning an opposing player into dust. 2. What you yell when the other team is holding their ball.

End Zone: This is the place at the end of the field (duh), and is also going to be a TV mini-series staring Michael Anthony Hall and narrated by Rod Serling.

Fumble: When the stupid player loses possession the ball because he is still trying to obtain the answer to the Audile math problem at the beginning of the play.

Goal Post: Sometimes used for communicating with extra terrestrials, theses are the poles in the each end zone. Occasionally players kick the ball through the uprights to make soccer fans feel good about the NFL using the term football.

Hail Mary: 1. The long version the oft said prayer "Oh crap!" Which is recited a split second before 8 guys weighing 300+ pounds (who should be on MFP) smash his a$$ into the turf. 2. An offensive play where the quarterback throws the ball up in the air, hoping someone on his team catches it while hoping to avoid an "Oh crap!" smashing into the turf.

Interception: Sometimes confused with contraception and conception. All of which means, "unexpected stuff is happening." Like a pass that is caught by a defensive player, making the fans nuts.

Kickoff: A free kick that puts the ball into play at the start of the 1st and 3rd periods because the 2nd and 4th periods are too hard for the kicker. Not to be confused with a kick in the balls which is why woman generally don't play football unless it is with their ex.

Line of Scrimmage: An imaginary line only seen by television crews, which stretches the width of the field and separates the two teams prior to the snap of the ball.

Man in Motion: 1. A new movie starring Mel Gibson and Jackie Chan. 2. An offensive player who runs behind the line of scrimmage and parallel to it, as the quarterback calls the signals. His is the one with the best math skills and can multi-task.

Neutral Zone: 1.The area between the two lines of scrimmage, stretching from sideline to sideline. 2. A flopped TV mini-series starring Boy George and President Obama.

Onside Kick: It looks like a mistake, but it is an attempt by the offensive team to recover the ball by kicking it a short distance down the field. Whereas an off-side kick is an attempt to give the ball away.

Extra-Point: After a touchdown, the scoring team is allowed to add another point by kicking the football through the uprights of the goalpost. This is meant to even out the bad math from the Audible at the beginning of the play.

Quarterback: The cutest guy on the field. He is an offensive player and makes the opposing team's fans really mad because if his special relationship to the center (see above).

Red Zone: It is NOT a sports drink. It's the last 20 yards before the end zone on the football field. This is the place where the land mines have been set up.

Shotgun: 1. A passing formation in which the quarterback stands 5 to 7 yards behind the center before the snap. 2. A tool for getting your daughter to marry the quarterback.

Super Bowl: The National Football League's championship. It is filled will calories and can only be eaten by one team each year.

Tight End: Most woman would agree there are quite a few of them out there, but it specifically refers to the offensive player who serves as a receiver and also a blocker.

Tebowing: Praying to the football gods before a game.

T-Boning: What the Patriots did to the Broncos in the playoffs.

Touchdown: 1. A scoring play in which any part of the ball, while legally in the possession of a player who is in-bounds, crosses the plane of the opponent's goal line. 2. What Tim Tebow prayed for.

Unnecessary Roughness: An illegal play where a player, uses tactics that are worse than smashing a cute tight end into the turf.

Vince Lombardi Trophy: The trophy awarded to each year's winner of the Super Bowl which belongs in Foxboro, MA.

Weak Side: 1. A young quarterback with zits on only one side of his face. 2. The side of the offense opposite the side on which the cute tight end is.

Thanks for your votes and comments. You guys are awesome!

If you are offended by this post, please don't send me a friend request. Otherwise, go for it.

Who are you hoping wins the Super Bowl?

56 votes + -

26 comments:

bill_i_am wrote 116 months ago:
great job - I totally agree with the Vince Lombardi Trophy line, oh and the T-Boning..haha!
LoveLiveLift wrote 116 months ago:
Love it! :)
demery12371 wrote 116 months ago:
Oh lord... I just busted out laughing at work and got some weird looks!! That was awesome! :O) Thank you for the Monday morning laugh :)
czechsmate wrote 116 months ago:
lol...very helpful, my husband was one of the devastated Broncos fans...I was secretly happy ;-) GO PATS!
jfrog123 wrote 116 months ago:
I will agree to disagree on the desired location of the Lombardi trophy, but loved the blog :-)
bllowry wrote 116 months ago:
David's blog + laughing like an idiot at my desk= gratitude that I work from home!!

And I honestly don't even know who will be playing in the Super Bowl. I haven't watched football (the real game) since channel 8 back home stopped broadcasting the Irish League at 2 am in the pre-cable days!
Hoppymom wrote 116 months ago:
The Lombardi Trophy belongs in Green Bay dude! Sadly my boys posted a fail yesterday. Kudos to you and Bill. I have the best friends. :D
ImSoPerfectlyFlawed wrote 116 months ago:
lol, I love it
navygunner wrote 116 months ago:
ROTFLMAO!! I wonder if I can get my wife to read it, for educational purposes of course.
ORjezebel wrote 116 months ago:
haha! you rock~ thank you for getting the definition of tight-ends right the 1st time! :)
AggieCass09 wrote 116 months ago:
this is awesome! especially the tebowing bit!!!
Sallycinnimon wrote 116 months ago:
I agree with hoppymom! This is too funny! :)
AEcklar813 wrote 116 months ago:
I hope and fully believe the PATRIOTS will win the superbowl! =)
fj211 wrote 116 months ago:
LOL...these kinds of things make me giggle but also feel insulting . Brother , I could school ANY man in football and the list of my fantasy football victims is long and ugly. Yes, I am a girl.

NFC will take it this year. Pats have played no quality opponents ( other than the Steelers and Giants three month ago...and they LOST both games) AND they accumulated one of the worst defenses in football against that cupcake schedule along the way. Giants or Niners( doesn't matter) will do just what the Jets did to Brady and Co. last year. I'm still a firm believer that defense wins at the end of the day regardless of pretty boy Brady.Didn't save Brees or Rodgers who are just as talented and have better offenses.

And I am saying all this as an AFC fan.

cessnaholly wrote 116 months ago:
Is there just one cute tight end?
saffronblue wrote 116 months ago:
NINERS!
CallMeCupcakeDammit wrote 116 months ago:
This was really funny, and very informative for someone who has hardly a clue about football! And now I'm confused...TWO lines of scrimmage??? I'm going to save this, and maybe next time I won't embarrass myself by cheering for the wrong team when my daughter is cheerleading. Ravens for the win!
CJK1959 wrote 116 months ago:
Love this....what great definitions...I laughed out loud. And I thought I knew what tailgating was..lol
As for who wins....anyone but the Ravens!
Kap10 wrote 116 months ago:
Wow and of course it isn't even real football.
flabulous4 wrote 116 months ago:
Ah, you are referring to American football! Thought you meant soccer! Can we have a soccer guide for Brits? If you can explain the offside rule I will take my hat off to you!
MOOOSEEE3 wrote 116 months ago:
This is hysterical! Definition with a sense of humor. Love it!
Browny43 wrote 116 months ago:
Lombardi trophy, which we have SIX. GO STEELERS!!!

I believe 9ers will take it
brittanyscherich wrote 116 months ago:
this is pretty funny! that being said as a woman who loves football. that being said, steelers suck! :)
AdAstra47 wrote 116 months ago:
I thought Tebowing was when people have some machine that automatically records TV shows for them when they're not home. Haven't I heard people say "I can watch it later, I Tebowed it?"

And I always thought that the Neutral Zone was the part of space that divided the Romulan Empire from the United Federation of Planets.

Sigh. Guess I have a lot to learn. I do know who I'm cheering for in the Superbowl, though... I always have to support my alma mater, Notre Dame!
cantjustcant wrote 116 months ago:
I don't know a lot about football but I do know a good right end when I see one! I am going with The San Diego Chargers in 2015! This year? I have to say I am actually pulling for the niners

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