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WTF Ever

Today I was up at 4:00 am with a scorching headache. I am waiting to call the doctor to see what my options are. I am not scheduled to see the neurologist for 2 more weeks.

In my pain fog, I realized it is World Cancer Day.

If I were to make a list of the crap that has gone down since 2011, I would probably shoot myself before I finished writing it. Today, I am focusing on my progress not my history. I have lost almost 90 pounds and went from a wheezing-fat-old-guy to a slimmer, fitter runner who can still knock out a 6 mile run. Sadly, I still am not cancer free.

How does one live with cancer? You live life on purpose.

You plan to do things you were putting off, and put off things you were planning. You say "I love you," more, and get a second goodbye kiss. You call the kids a lot. You look up friends you haven't seen in a while. You shut out the people that minimize your feelings by saying, "It's early, at least you won't die.", "My dad had that and he was fine." or "My uncle had that an he died." When surgery has the potential to reduce your quality of life instead of make it better, it's not an easy option to choose.

As surgery number - WTFE - is coming in a few weeks, I am not thrilled.

As a runner I have overcome a lot. Most of it was mental. I just didn't think I could do anything. I even had medication and doctors opinions to bolster my excuses. I found a hundred reasons to quit, and only one to help me succeed: a better life. How I feel at the end of a run is the only reward I have. It's not the bling, the cheering, or the personal accomplishments.

It's how I feel.

I remember back when a 5K was about as daunting a run as I ever thought I could face. I ran the first one a year out of ICU. I also ran the World Major Marathons. I wish I could say I could say I was still running 6-minute miles.
 
I haven't felt well, but I am running 5Ks when I can.

For today, I am watching the calories, flossing my teeth, engaging my family, working, praying and living in the moment. Tomorrow may never come, and I don't know if I've "got this". I don't know if I will win against the Big-C or not. I just know that I am looking forward to being with my wife, hugging my kids, catching a little sunshine, taking my boat down the Intracoastal, and letting the things of God swirl around in my spirit.

In the meantime, I run 3 times a week. That makes me feel better than when I don't run.
 
Thanks for the votes and comments.  And thanks for your support.

28 votes + -

13 comments:

kdbulger wrote 3 weeks ago:
You are a force of nature. You are an inspiration to me every day. What you have been dealt is difficult and miserable. I regularly think of you and my hope for you is that this headache from hell goes away so you can go back to enjoying the joys of every day life again.
kendallvon wrote 3 weeks ago:
Do what you can, when you can. Don't listen to those who will hold you back. Live each day as if it's your last. Good advice for us all. Namaste.
solieco1 wrote 3 weeks ago:
Your spirit is indomitable. Sending hugs and puppy kisses and so much good energy to help bolster you.
ploomka wrote 3 weeks ago:
Thank you for sharing. I love how real you are in your posts. You are an inspiration.
lorrainequiche59 wrote 3 weeks ago:
This was certainly worth reading! Thank you for overcoming excuses to cave under the pressure you must feel daily. You do inspire so many people to keep on keepin' on!!
BonnieHosk85 wrote 3 weeks ago:
Definitely worth reading, silly! Hang in there! We're pulling for you.
mowree wrote 3 weeks ago:
Enjoyed reading, as always. I feel inadequate in expressing my support and hope for you. Glad to hear you are running. I know you love it.
goodasgoldilox165 wrote 3 weeks ago:
As always - your running may have suffered a little in the recent health 'outage' but your writing continues and inspires many you cannot see.

It strikes me (from what you write here about the changes you have made in life) that you have taken charge of your cancer(s) and 'owned' it.

(This is probably another reason why it is so irritating and unhelpful to find it compared to that of others!)

You seem to be starting to do the same thing with this appalling chronic pain too.

I promise to TRY not to annoy others by telling them of your admirable attitude to Cancer and Pain.
nitasweeny wrote 3 weeks ago:
I continue to cheer you on. You're so inspiring. Thanks always for your transparency. Fingers crossed for you.
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