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Woman's Guide to Ice Hockey - A Must Read

Woman actually would be more prone to enjoying sports events if their S/O would answer a few questions in the proper tone of voice. Just sayin', boys.

A family friend is going to her first professional hockey game this week. I saw her post on Facebook asking what to wear, and saying that she had no clue what the game was about (of course she is not Canadian!). Having counseled a few woman over the past 40+ years, I feel qualified to answer questions about the game. Here's what woman always want to know about hockey.

If you don't know anything about hockey, watch this 3 minute video!

Pre-Game:
Players: Hopefully you have practiced pronouncing the French Canadian, Swedish, Russian and Finnish names for the team you are going to root for. There are CD sets you can listen too in the car on the way to work. Or you can watch the NHL Channel on cable and the Internet.

What to Wear: Skip the chemise or save it for later. Try a hockey jersey for the team your man wants to win - rooting for the blue team because it's your favorite color is only going to cause some friction. Tip: All that cheering from the couch in the den? Take a quick look as you deliver him a beer; the team name is sure to be there on the screen. They are available at Walmart. (My wife says that she can hear the neighbor cheering at the same time I do, so maybe ask the neighbor if it is a surprise.)

At the Rink:
Teeth: Whatever you do, do not mention missing teeth! You will find out soon enough why they are so common.

The Black Thingy: This is called a puck. It weighs 5.5 - 6 ounces. At over 100 miles per hour, it hurts enough to cause some cussing.

The Cage: It is called a net, but close! If the black thingy enters the net, it is called a goal. Men get excited about goals! Woman often think it is good for men to put away their toys, and ask why not put everything in the net. The net is for the puck.

The Wooden Thingy: This is a hockey stick, it use poke, whack, and crack the head of opposing players. Men find this very exciting. It is sometimes used to put the black thingy in the net.

Catcher: This is the goalie, and his job is to stop the puck from going in the net and crack the ankles of opposing players with the big stick when they stand on the blue paint; which is called a crease.

Yelling: Cheering, it is what men do. Why? It is a secret that cannot be revealed to the woman even on our death bed.

Smashing: This is called body checking. It is when a player slams into another player at 30 miles per hour. Men also find this exciting. Woman think it's violent. Woman should note that men made "cups" to protect their privates long before they used helmets in hockey.

Hitting: This is fighting for which there doesn't need to be a reason. Testosterone runs rampant in the cooler atmosphere near the ice. and is a possible cause.

Sitting Alone: This is called a penalty. There are lots of reasons for this. Consider it a time out for bad behavior. They get time outs for whacking, cracking, poking, tripping, fighting and smacking opposing players.

Inning: This is called a period. It is the interval of time in which the team plays; each lasting 20 minutes. There are three in a game. This is much different than once a month for 3 days.

Fire Horn: This is called a buzzer, and you do not need to leave the arena. It signals the end of a period or a score. Even if it were a fire, there is more than enough beer to put it out.

Pretty Stripes: These are called lines. The red line is at half ice, and the blue lines determine each team's zone. Everyone has to go into the zone after the puck is in it. Think, stay out of the kitchen unless you are clearing the table.

Blood: See Teeth above.

Truck Thing: No, it is not leaking gas. That is hot water, and it is called a Zamboni. It refinishes the ice. Think, shampoo the carpets. This is in lieu of the half-time act which you may have learned was ruined by Janet Jackson. That is why there are 3 periods and not four.

Thanks for the comments and votes. Football and Baseball coming soon!

Oh, and thank God for those of you who are already hockey fans!

49 votes + -

30 comments:

czechsmate wrote 84 months ago:
aww...the memories, my son played hockey when he was young...seemed he always spent some time in the "sitting alone box"
navygunner wrote 84 months ago:
Once again you have caused me pee my britches as I am laughing my ass off... maybe try one for football next.
BobbyDaniel wrote 84 months ago:
I can't wait to see the football one...and can you specifically aim it at 14 year old daughters who grew up in a house where Dad watched football religiously but she still calls a touchdown a "point"? LOL!
BobbyDaniel wrote 84 months ago:
I can't wait to see the football one...and can you specifically aim it at 14 year old daughters who grew up in a house where Dad watched football religiously but she still calls a touchdown a "point"? LOL!
jlc1243 wrote 84 months ago:
Very nice! Love me some hockey! Go Bruins! Now a football tutorial would better serve me :)
aliciagetshealthy wrote 84 months ago:
Nice explanation ;) ...had a boyfriend in high school on the hockey team - always a blast going to the games, unless you are adverse to blood and hitting.
MrsCon40 wrote 84 months ago:
Some of us lady hockey fans would love to cross-check you for insulting us.
_Khaleesi_ wrote 84 months ago:
Yeah. I think this stereotype/ over generalization makes me want to go all Scott Stevens on your ass. Better keep your head up.
lgwmab wrote 84 months ago:
I love Hockey, a cow bell can be tied on a piece of leather strapping and worn as a necklace ( I do it). Also, vulgarity is part of the game, calling the goalie a sieve is part of the game! My nephew just started playing Hockey, at 6 years old, played at an Admirals game, and was by the goalie, I am Auntie Goalie, and my mom and dad, who got him playing hockey are trying to talk him out of playing as Goalie, because the equipment is expensive, which it is. My team picks, Wisconsin badgers, men and women, Milwaukee Admirals, and Chicago Blackhawks, also I must say it, as this is involving sports, GO PACKERS! my team since 1981!
cessnaholly wrote 84 months ago:
Even if it were a fire, there is more than enough beer to put it out.

Think, stay out of the kitchen unless you are clearing the table.

HAHAHAHAHA
dsjohndrow wrote 84 months ago:
Throws the gloves down, come on MrsCon40 and Jersey3025, I'm ready!

Thanks for reading along any way!
dustyhockeymom wrote 84 months ago:
As an avid hockey fan I am more than a little insulted. I have met many men who are clueless about hockey that I have had to educate.
dsjohndrow wrote 84 months ago:
dustyhockeymom - I hope you crosschecked them through the boards!
ccarpe wrote 84 months ago:
You are too much!!! I look forward to the NBA one, that's my favorite, and I explain that game to my husband. Just take it all in stride, it's for fun - not to be offensive to women. (at least I'm not offended) LOVE it!!
sunnyk8 wrote 84 months ago:
As a female hockey player and avid hockey fan (since childhood), I agree with all of the hockey-loving ladies who have responded.
AriesOx wrote 84 months ago:
As someone who grew up in the stands (or the time keepers box) watching my little brother play hockey, I find this funny, but also a little insulting. I know lots of women who are hockey fans, but I am Canadian ;) I also know a few men who could benefit from your explanations above :) Oh, and by the way, as an avid Canucks fan, I now hate your team ;)
NinjaMonkey201 wrote 84 months ago:
I love hockey and I thought this was hilarious. I have some friends that this would be perfect for. :-)
pebbles2911 wrote 84 months ago:
I can't help but smile and laugh When i read your blogs. Me and my friend love reading you blogs them we have conversations about them later. thank you for sharing your humor
:)
TNGirlyGirl wrote 84 months ago:
Hysterical!! I'm from Canada, and had to teach all my American friends about hockey!! Some of my best memories are of my brothers and their friends suiting me up to be the goalie and taking shots at me!!
Sherry1979 wrote 84 months ago:
"Woman should note that men made "cups" to protect their privates long before they used helmets in hockey." WHY does this not surprise me???? LOL!! Great post btw...thanks for the laughs!! :)
AEcklar813 wrote 84 months ago:
Haha, this is cute =) I'm a big sports fan and so is my hubby!
jdhosier wrote 84 months ago:
Years ago, I took my kids to a minor league hockey game and bought a program hoping the rules would give me a clue. Once I understood the significance of the blue line, the game made a lot more sense.

I went to a Blackhawks game the year they won it all. I couldn't remember the rules and just enjoyed the jostling and those girls that skated around during the breaks in the action. Not a big hockey fan, but thought the post was hilarious.
Mustangsally1000 wrote 84 months ago:
Sweet! Where were you when i was trying to watch the Bruins when I was in college??? LOL
felicity866 wrote 83 months ago:
yes...even aussies play ice hockey....i learnt when i was at school many moons ago...hahaha..love the game and love the biff!!

love how you have made it simple for everyone to follow..not just the women! i know a few men that need to read this!!
Lyadeia wrote 83 months ago:
Agree with MrsCon40...

Please do not write one for football or I'll come to your house and horse collar you...no matter what fines I get.
PegasusDeb wrote 83 months ago:
LOL This was awesome! I am a hockey fan, although have gotten out of it in the past several years, but after reading you post, I may just flip on the teley & give it a go! Thanx for the laughs!
Ps... can't wait for football. I just don't GET that game! Maybe it's just we have a suky team!

Let's Go Redwings!!
Supercatie80 wrote 83 months ago:
Love the post!
Lighten-up ladies! It's meant to be fun, not demeaning.
n_unocero wrote 83 months ago:
lol looove it!

DAAAAA BLACKHAWKS!!
soozship wrote 83 months ago:
Hahahaha... This is hilarious. Being Canadian I do not need the tips, but I will let my 8 year old daughter read this so she is prepared! Haha

Go Flames Go!

PS: Women cheer too! I had to stop holding the remote, I almost threw it through the tv too many times!
Snowflake1968 wrote 7 months ago:
This is awesome, I could have used this 30some years ago. My husband is a big hockey fan, grew up in Toronto. My Dad and brother were not sports guys. When my husband and I were first married we were living in Toronto, we went for a walk downtown one night and as we were walking by the Maple Leaf Gardens I said, "is that where the Grey Cup is played"? I almost ended up divorced. My husband had a lot of patience over the years teaching me sports.

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