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Today I Don't Want to Be Strong

My 15-year-old is visiting for a few weeks and we are having fun. We've been to the beach, the bookstores, the art museum, the Oceanfront, Waterside, the Mermaid factory and the Grilled Cheese Bistro! We have also done a lot of boating. Out there in the sunshine, watching the coastal scenery, looking at the dolphins at play, spotting blue heron, egret and bald eagles - and she is great at making peanut butter and honey sandwiches.

It has been nice. She is a good kid - and a bit like her father.

Me: Charlotte, don't be a smartass.

Charlotte: I am practicing to be your successor.

I was listening to the radio with her and that song came on; What Doesn't Kill You Still Sucks - or whatever. I was all set to sit down and write about something other than a health condition. I was going to open a can of my finest smartassery and have some fun.

Getting up without a "that" headache has been good.

The first few days are exciting post surgery. I mean, morphine is exciting! Not having a 7-level migraine is good. I admit it, I am struggling to be positive. When I had my knee repaired, it was surgery + healing = cured. It was pretty much the same with the shoulder repair I had in March.

In 2011 I used this blog to get through congestive heart failure.

I was afraid my life was over in so many ways. I thought I might just sit in a chair taking medicine, being depressed, waiting to die. When I was diagnosed with cancer, I was also afraid.

Not running (hoping to be cleared on Monday) has taken away my antidepressant.

Each time I have had a major health issue, I made a goal. After heart failure, I ran the marathon, and after cancer I ran the World Majors. Now that I am working through occipital neuralgia, I wanted to make another goal.

I was thinking about running 50 half marathons in 50 states.

Then I sat here and thought of all the work that would take. I am still not sure I am/will be cured. Everyday that goes by and I have a headache, even the kind that can be managed with Tylenol, I am afraid I won't get better.

The neurosurgeon said it could take a year to see results.

Meanwhile, I have not worked in a year and I don't have a job. I am still waiting to see where I stand with disability. At the moment, I am still unable to work full-time. I can barely keep up with my kid on vacation.

Today, I don't feel like being strong, having faith, or whatever it takes.

I just need to get back to running... hoping everything will fall into place after that.

27 votes + -

6 comments:

farmboyphotography wrote 3 months ago:
You are in my prayers, as always. If you decide to run a half marathon in every state (every state that includes Minnesota), let me know. I'll join you and try not to slow you down.
kendallvon wrote 3 months ago:
Enjoy Charlotte-- I love that line about becoming your successor in smartassery. Disability can take a while. Just be absolutely candid and answer the questions as if it's your worst day. Best of luck with that. I understand your fear. As someone who has headaches 27 days/30 (and that's optimistic, realistically I have them 30/30-- just not to your level, and not all day long) I can sort of understand it. I've just had them so long (age 11) that I accept the pain as a way of reassuring myself that I'm still alive. Well, this isn't about me, it's about YOU. Anyhow, I wish you the best, and enjoy that sweet, quirky daughter of yours.
Laura80111 wrote 3 months ago:
You may not want to be strong today but just by sitting down and writing about what you have gone through shows just how strong you are. Keeping up with a 15 yr old takes more than most of us can do, just being able to follow their "teen speak" is a challenge. 50 halves could be a bit much to shoot for but if you take it in smaller portions it might be doable. Keep taking one day at a time and see how tomorrow looks you just may find that rainbow of promise in the new day ahead. Continued prayers for you as you heal.
ctlinj7 wrote 3 months ago:
When you decide to do your 50 marathons in 50 states, I highly suggest the Abraham Lincoln Presidential Marathon in Springfield, IL. It's the only marathon where you get to run through a National Historic Site (The Abraham Lincoln Home) and neighborhood. Also, Abe Lincoln does run the marathon, too. :)
Don't be too hard on yourself, you're only (super) human!
ShellyMacchi wrote 3 months ago:
*simply sends a hug*
trailrunner64 wrote 3 months ago:
I have a couple of suggestions in my neck of the woods - I can also recommend the Detroit Marathon ... that is two more states ... I might even run with you

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