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Snarky Comebacks to Inconsiderate Clods

Don't you just hate it when “no thank you” doesn’t work? Those inconsiderate clods continue to offer you food, suggest the worst restaurants, drinks and other deadly treats.

Well, here is an arsenal of snide remarks that should stop them in their tracks. Feel free to mix-n-match - gender options can be used as needed.

You should have a beer.
No thanks, I am going skydiving at lunch and don't want to splatter on the roof of your wife's mini-van/husband's BMW, it might scare the hell out of the kids.

Have another piece of cake.
So, I can look like you?

Let's stop at McDonald's.
You are what you eat, and I am not interested in being fat, cheap or passed out a window.

You should have some {Name of some food item that your MFP friends will delete you over.}.
I am allergic to sugar, fat and sodium, but thanks for asking.

Let's go to KFC.
I heard some one got a fried mouse there - pretty gross, right? 

Have a piece of pizza.
I just saw the {name of the person most disliked in the office} sneeze on it. It's hard to tell with the broccoli, I know.

How about a Margarita?
No thanks; I was looking for a José/Juanita about my age with ripped abs.

Try some banana nut bread.
I can't, I am fasting for my colonoscopy. Actually I need to run...

You are a vegetarian?
Yes, the only animals I eat are crackers.

It's good for you.
Let's see *picking up the package* Bleached Flour, Corn Syrup, Sugar, High Fructose Corn Syrup, Hydrogenated Vegetable and Animal Shortening, Dextrose. Modified Corn Starch, Glucose, Leavenings (Sodium Acid Pyrophosphate, Baking Soda, Monocalcium Phosphate), Sweet Dairy Whey, Soy Protein Isolate, Calcium and Sodium Caseinate, Salt, Mono and Diglycerides, Polysorbate 60, Soy Lecithin, Soy Flour, Cornstarch, Cellulose Gum, Sodium Stearoyl Lactylate, Sorbic Acid (to Retain Freshness), Yellow 5, and Red 40.

I think you are wrong.

You should eat another serving of turkey.
No, thanks, Mr./Mrs. Clause already got my man/woman.

You can go off your diet.
Think of it like this: I am speeding down a mountain road in Argentina; there are no guardrails. Would you tell me it was safe to go off the road?

You don't look like you weigh too much.
Not on a scale of 1 to 10, no.

Here try some pork.
Was that once a real pig? It looks like your ex.

We've got donuts in the break-room.
Is Michelle Obama on vacation this week?

Come on, you only live once.
And when I die, I'm leaving my body to science fiction.

Thanks for the votes and comments. You guys are amazing!

Friend me for wise cracks, sarcasm and support on your news feed.

168 votes + -

36 comments:

hjohns65 wrote 88 months ago:
i am printing this and putting it at my desk as we speak, I have people that do this to me every single day at work! like they are trying to sabotage me or something these are perfect!
jmelyan23 wrote 88 months ago:
Thanks for this post, it had me laughing. :) I had this problem over the weekend--my brother-in-law would NOT leave me alone about having a alcoholic drink and eating a bunch of cheesecake and tiramisu for dessert. I said no thank you about 50 times and every time he'd pass me, he'd ask me again. I kept wishing I had something good to say back and I particularly liked the "So I can look like you?" comment, but he's stick-thin so that doesn't really apply. Oh well, I'll get him next time. :P
baypathgradLyns wrote 88 months ago:
lol, how you come up with these things, the world may never know.........
chedges9090 wrote 88 months ago:
excellent! .. and one to add-- When people say "you can have everything in moderation"---yeah, Moderation. But not everything in one sitting.. not moderate ice cream , moderate cake, some moderate prime rib to go along with the moderate stuffed potato. UGGHH !!
dsjohndrow wrote 88 months ago:
Bravo CH!
arosmith79 wrote 88 months ago:
Those are great!
bill_i_am wrote 88 months ago:
nice job!
chubbychristianchick wrote 88 months ago:
I'm writing down the McD's one as we speak!
staroftheeast wrote 88 months ago:
LOL re: the donuts.
AdAstra47 wrote 88 months ago:
LOL. Loved this. Yup, people are so pushy. Sometimes I even explain that I'm under doctor's orders, and I get the "come on, one little (insert food item) won't hurt!" Yeah, let me pull out the biochemistry textbook and explain to you exactly how it will hurt me... or you could maybe just take my word for it and/or respect my decision!
healthilyandhappily wrote 88 months ago:
I LOVE this! It's a keeper! Thanks!
fitzie63 wrote 88 months ago:
"I'll pass on that for now;allergy problems." (We don't have to tell anyone that the "allergy" is that we break out in fat. Lol!)
Ashalahn_LMT wrote 88 months ago:
I'm leaving my body to science fiction....awesome.
Strive2BLean wrote 88 months ago:
I like your wit and wisdom! Will always read your blogs.
Pronoiac wrote 88 months ago:
Some classics in there!
jfrog123 wrote 88 months ago:
The ones that drive me nuts are the people who take it personally and actually get offended if you don't have seconds of a dish they made! I can definitely relate to this post.
Monica_has_a_goal wrote 88 months ago:
ugh..
ninjakitty419 wrote 88 months ago:
I am so fortunate that I have no people in my life that try to get me to eat anything I dont want. Actually my husband is the only one who knows I am dieting and the others just never say anything about food to me anyway.
Kwisnas wrote 88 months ago:
I love it!!
sk2775 wrote 88 months ago:
lol!!!! Another awesome one for the books :-)
LisaMariaCallow wrote 88 months ago:
LMAO!!! This is why I friended you!!
wickedcricket wrote 88 months ago:
you're far more patient & tolerant than I am. I don't bother with all that explaining. Try this one:
'back off man, my yard is getting full from the bodies of ppl that piss me off and I'm getting too old to dig very deep- you'll be in a shallow grave & my dogs might choke on the bones- you don't want to choke my dogs do you?'
ebmozo wrote 88 months ago:
I know ... right?! Some people just won't give up. But I think they feel good when they're feeding someone. They just don't realize they're making things worse for us. I actually read in another blog that the best thing to do when an co-worker pushes her homemade cupcakes on you is to get one, say thank you, then make sure she sees you THROWING IT INTO THE TRASH! Can you imagine what that person will do to you?! For sure she'll never give you another cupcake.
manifestinghappiness wrote 88 months ago:
Thanks for the ideas! Sometimes, when someone's being pushy about my "no, thank you" regarding alcohol, I like to throw out; "I'm allergic - it makes me break out in handcuffs."
dsjohndrow wrote 88 months ago:
@manifestinghappiness - LOL!
dsjohndrow wrote 88 months ago:
@wickedcricket - LMAO!
coloradocami wrote 88 months ago:
another great blog...the first one is my favorite "going skydiving at lunch"
brittanyscherich wrote 88 months ago:
lmao loooove the pork one!
fitplease wrote 88 months ago:
I like the label reading one. I've actually done that, believe it or not!
FeelTheRhythm wrote 88 months ago:
You are a vegetarian?
Yes, the only animals I eat are crackers.

Haha I love it! :)
odditblue wrote 88 months ago:
LOL! I'll be using ALL of these for this year's parade of holidays and in-laws. =D
princessd3b wrote 88 months ago:
Great stuff! :D
KarensCanDoIt wrote 83 months ago:
Thanks for the laugh. I have to deal with similar situations as well. It's so tiring having to constantly explain why I don't want that piece of cake or cookie. Why isn't "No thanks, I'm full" enough of a response.
felicity866 wrote 78 months ago:
these blogs are pre MFP for me....i am so glad of the catch up!! lol
concordancia wrote 72 months ago:
The only one I have for myself is in response to "but it's all natural!"
So is arsenic.
GoldinaGrace5012 wrote 72 months ago:
TOO GREAT. PRINTING!!!!

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