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January Gym Chaos

It's the new year, and the resolute are amongst us again. It's an unfortunate truth, but some will not succeed at losing weight. Great for the ones who come and stay, but a study showed that the average newbie attends about 14.7 times before goving up.

I am undecided at what to call these gym-going-gargantuan-ghouls. It would be all well with the regulars if the temporary tubs would at least leave us a parking space.

For the next few weeks, it's war!

Here are a few tricks I employ to get to get an exercise machine pretty quickly. Just look for folks wearing sweat pants with the price tags still attached and the size sticker on the rear end.

- The Unplug Trick: Drop your water bottle and unplug the treadmill as you pick it up. When they get off looking for another machine, plug it in and jump on.

- The Fake Sign-Up Sheet Trick: Print your own sign-up sheets and point feverishly to your name pretending to speak a foreign language. If they answer you back in a foreign language, just move on.

- The Safety Lanyard Trick: Just give it a little yank, when they are fiddling with their iPod. You can re-fasten it after they go looking for another elliptical and you are on your way.

- The Odor Trick: Put on some stinky stuff. I am sure they must have something wonderful at Bass Pro Shops. Hey, you are going to take a shower anyway.

- The Fart: This is not a trick, but a wonderful tool employed in a similar fashion to skunks and octopi. If you can't get one in the chamber, record your husband and play it back from your iPod - just look sheepishly embarrassed and you are in like Flint.

- The Fake Sign Trick: Tape an "Out of Order - Unsafe" sign to the machine while you go and hang up your coat. Trust me, it will be empty when you get back. You might even have time to use the rest room too.

- The Staff Shirt Trick: I go to the YMCA and all the trainers wear medium-blue t-shirts with white silk screened lettering. I have one from Myrtle Beach that looks just like them. I often get asked how to use machines when I wear it. It's like wearing a red golf shirt at Target! Just walk over say; "I'm sorry this machine is reserved for another member."

- The Heart Rate Monitor Trick: Did you know that Precor fitness machines and many others can receive a BlueTooth signal from your heart rate monitor? You can simulate this with any Android or iPhone. I just set the threshold to 280 and wait for the screams. I am working on a program to reset the mileage and calories too.

- The "Problem" at the Front Desk Trick: Simple but effective - you show up in your pseudo-staff shirt and tell someone there is a problem with their membership and please report to the front desk to straighten it out. Bingo, free elliptical.

- The Reverse Pick-Up Trick: You need to stalk a newbie that is way out of your league (easy for me). You just start using some pick-up line like "I just did a Marathon last week, it was the Christmas Story on TBN." Pretty quickly they are grossed out and viola, a stationary bike with a warm seat.

- The "See That Guy" Trick: You find a newbie on a machine that is in the line-of-sight of the free-weight room. You say, "See that guy/gal over there benching 450 lbs? This is his/her personal machine." Then wink and nod your head in his/her direction.

- The "Let Me Show You" Trick: I love this. You need to make sure you know what you are doing, or be a good Balderdash player. (I'm the champ of that game!) You tell the unsuspecting noob that they are using the machine incorrectly. They stop the machine and you get 30 minutes to impress them with your knowledge! If you are really good, they'll even fill your water bottle up while you chatter away.

- The "I Have MRSA" Trick: Grab a sanitary wipe on one side of the gym, and find a noob just getting on for a jog on the other. Walk over and say: "I have MRSA, and I wanted to wipe down the treadmill before someone else got on." Shrug your shoulders. If it doesn't work immediately, you might have to explain how there is no treatment for this type of staph infection.

Thanks for all the comments and votes. Friend me at your own risk.
 
Happy New Year, and good luck. I do hope you stick with it!

72 votes + -

22 comments:

Denjo060 wrote 61 months ago:
LOL love your blogs so funny
MaryRegs wrote 61 months ago:
bwahahaha
Hoppymom wrote 61 months ago:
I call SHENANIGANS on this post! :D
PoisonDartFrog wrote 61 months ago:
Love the alliteration: gym-going-gargantuan-ghouls!
And love the "gassing" idea...Just eat cruciferous veggies before you go :)
rduhlir wrote 61 months ago:
This is awesome!
GloMash710 wrote 61 months ago:
Awesome! Love it!
vinny76063 wrote 61 months ago:
LOL..Thats great
retirehappy wrote 61 months ago:
"- The Heart Rate Monitor Trick: Did you know that Precor fitness machines and many others can receive a BlueTooth signal from your heart rate monitor? You can simulate this with any Android or iPhone. I just set the threshold to 280 and wait for the screams. I am working on a program to reset the mileage and calories too."

I did laugh out loud at this one. I am a bluetooth HRM junkie.
yanniejannie wrote 61 months ago:
At my gym the Jan. newbies are called "One Week Wonders".
wittman01 wrote 61 months ago:
Hi! At first I thought maybe I was one of the gym going gargantuan ghouls-but then I refocused my thoughts..I do my fitness routines in the woods and at home, so luckily I'm excluded from that "group".
Then I thought.."what a jerk" I hope the gargantuans don't read this, it might discourage someone that needs to find their way.
Then I thought, I better check out this guys profile before I misjudge. Which I read and then reread. You my friend are a role model,an inspiration to others. A confident overcoming, meaningful person. I know you meant this blog to be funny-which it is..sort of. But now you are in the "group" of being a rolemodel, which by the way is a huge responsibility. Thank you for wishing me luck on my journey..I'm doing it! And continuous blessings to you as well!!
Ang108 wrote 61 months ago:
I am a little bit saddened by your post, even if it is thinly veiled as humor.
Where would you suggest " obese " people go, if they realize they need exercise in a more formal setting ? Stay away from the gym, especially yours, so you are not bothered and have a parking space ?
As I said, I am a bit sad because maybe you also started as a " gym-going-gargantuan-ghoul " and somehow I thought people who have the kind of success you have/had would be a bit more generous and gracious towards those who are just starting out. For many very obese people it is quite a step to sign up and go to a gym. They don't need to be made fun of. And honestly, it's none of your, mine or anyone elses business, if they stick to a regimen or not.
Goal_Seeker_1988 wrote 61 months ago:
I've been pretty lucky at my gym I go right after work in the AM and its normally empty. wasn't the case at my old gym.
RoadkingDavid wrote 61 months ago:
As a former 343 pound gargantuan ghoul who wore xxxxl staff member shirts and farted uncontrollably while walking on a treadmill at my new gym 3 years ago, i am saddened, David, that you feel the need to make fun of my former self. HA!!! On the contrary, David, my friend, keep inspiring! By the way, three years ago, walking into the gym, I actually had two knucklehead smart-ass young guys call me a fat noob as I walked into the gym. The fact that I still remember after losing 100 pounds probably means I used their ill will for good. Now I'm the strong guy and they're having a beer and smoking a cigarette at Ole Miss.*

*That is in no way intended to poke fun at young guys, drinkers, smokers, or students at Ole Miss.
angie007az wrote 61 months ago:
Enjoyed it, you got my vote.
Scoochie1 wrote 61 months ago:
I sat beside a stinker on the stationary bikes on Sunday - I never Peddled so fast in my life! Got my kms done and got out of there pronto!
workinprogress37 wrote 61 months ago:
I find it amusing that you are so into exercise, but you complain about having to walk a little extra because the newbies are taking up more of the parking spaces at the gym. You can exercise outside of the gym too, you know.
Anonymous wrote 59 months ago:
I want to make sure that it is very important to see whether or not his is something that is going to improve in many way.
DennisParker wrote 59 months ago:
A very unique and humorous look at fitness clubs. I read several more of the author's posts.
http://www.contoursexpress.com.my/
Anonymous wrote 25 months ago:
These machines are reserved for lifetime members! They look at how old I am and figure I have been here for a life time and give it up.
DancesWithDogz wrote 25 months ago:
Yes...I hear you loud and clear. And yes, I did chuckle because I get it...and I have seen it. In January and September- both at the gym, and at Weight Watchers. But even though it's funny and true...we know these thoughts and attitudes are held by the majority of regular gym members. .it's why most of us don't go. I have two dogs for cardio and DVDS and bow flex for weights. I've passed on a gym membership for many years for many of the above reasons. But you still made me laugh, and are truly inspirational.
DrTrushna wrote 25 months ago:
Hahaha
babbyb1 wrote 25 months ago:
An oldie but a goodie. Wish me luck that I pass the realm of being a gym-going-gargantuan-ghoul to a gym rat this year.

Thanks!

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