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It's Not What I Hoped For

This health journey is nothing like I expected when I first started. I had done dieting before but I always gained it back. I wanted to be happy, but I took antidepressants. I wanted to be in love but I didn’t know what it was.

It’s taken a few years, but I have found a few answers. 

I kept looking for the same thing (what I thought I wanted), and that is what I found; the same old thing. At some point I decided to leave the door open for something new. It’s likely I didn’t know enough to succeed at much of anything. I had to shut off the fear of repeating past failures. I had made them with my health, my relationships, and even in my pursuit of faith. I needed to find ways to take one more risk - to say or do one more thing that made me feel more like me – a more authentic and healthy version of myself.

I still had unfulfilled dreams.

As I approach 60, I still have hope for the future. I needed to change my goals from whatever it was that I thought I should be in life, to that which came naturally with some work to let it out. When I started this journey, I just wanted to be a thinner version of me. I wanted to get in those damn 32” jeans that made my @$$ look good.

I need to stop hoping and praying and get to work.

My life needed a magic pill and there wasn’t one. No amount of prayer was going to fix my health. As much of a faith guy as I am, I also had to act – faith without action is well, pretty useless. I just reread the Catcher in the Rye. Holden was me, and he ended up in some sort of mental hospital.

As much as I identified with the character, I didn’t want to be him.

I did my best to gain control of my health. It was a bit of a process and I waited too long. You can’t un-pickle a pickle so to speak. I did MFP, started running and yes, I kept praying. The combination of those three things got me to the point where I did not need heart medication or antidepressants. 

Yesterday I had my yearly physical – you know, where guys cough and are #1 with the doc.

My new doc is after the weight and blood sugar again. With all this GI stuff the last year, I have gained 10 pounds. In some ways I am back to square one. The good news is that I have already been there and I know the path. I bought a new set of portion control plastic tubs.

It’s been going on 6 years, and I am still unable to manage this by winging it.

Sure, I still have a cancer diagnosis I am working my way though, and now I am commuting quite a bit. No excuses! The food is, and will always be, the problem. I need my food scale, my food tubs, and my food log.

I NEED running, 

I also find great joy in being with those whom I love, being in the presence of God, and finding the good things in my day. I watch more sunsets and sunrises and I'm doing some of the things I just never made time for. 

I not only stop to smell the roses, I occasionally buy some to bring home.

105 votes + -

23 comments:

sherry0614 wrote 24 months ago:
Wow, this one is from the heart. And yes, food (and alcohol) is always going to be the problem. But you have such a great handle on yourself and you know what needs to be done - and you do it. Most everyone knows what needs to be done, and puts it off for another day. Great blog, David - and continue watching those sunsets :-)
kendallvon wrote 24 months ago:
Thank you for that honest self examination. I needed that.
ambermbeckman wrote 24 months ago:
Beautifully said.
dan323 wrote 24 months ago:
Awesome bro. Your doing great. You may not see it yourself,but you are a living inspiration to us all. I am happy to call you my Friend.
VickiLynn1101 wrote 24 months ago:
Wow! I needed that. I feel so bad some days. I can't let me not being where I want to be, let me miss out on the beauty of life.
Anonymous wrote 24 months ago:
Printing and rereading every morning! As much as I sometimes despise social media...I am glad it allowed me to come across you and your journey. In the end, you continually make me realize that we are really all just people trying to do the best we can, living kindly and peacefully in a sometimes crazy world. Thank you for that!
spicytuna64 wrote 24 months ago:
Really spoke to my heart today, David. Continuing to pray for your health as your journey continues to inspire me on mine! God bless.
littlelaura wrote 24 months ago:
Loved this! I couldnt agree more. As we get older we need to simply accept our own flaws and failures but not beat ourselves up over them. Learn, grow, keep our faith and definitely appreciate all the gifts in life, like those sunrises,sunsets, and roses. I love myself now in ways I never knew I would. I value,cherrish, and respect myself in ways I expect others to as well. I am more forgiving of myself and others. I dont ache inside like I use to with this unfullfilled longing for something I was seeking, didnt know what it was ,nor did I find. Or maybe I did. My fix-all was to be grateful for everything. In doing so things began to change for the better and more opportunities and things I never knew I wanted miraculously appeared in my life. My life is the same, my attitude and mindset to be happy , love myself and my life has changed and that has made all the difference. Hugs, wishing you the best in 2017.
marlown wrote 24 months ago:
Wow. So me. Same age and mindset. Still I struggle with the food and time for exercise, and being in the "sandwich generation" (double-decker!), with trying to please everyone else. Food for thought here... I must just "get to work". Thanks for sharing!
LisaPrust wrote 24 months ago:
SO Good. Such an encouragement. We so appreciate your candid transparency and putting thoughts to print for us to ponder and relate to. Blessings to you on your journey!
runningforthetrain wrote 24 months ago:
So wonderful...thank you for sharing...
pnwgirl1963 wrote 24 months ago:
This was brutal but I needed to read it. I know for me I am sick and tired of being sick and tired. You keep being honest. And you keep writing. And I'll be back to read every time you write, I'll be rooting for you .
MrsSpitser wrote 24 months ago:
Thank you for this.
southga7 wrote 24 months ago:
Amazing!
SweetP27 wrote 24 months ago:
Thank you for sharing! I can relate to much of your story.
izzybelle2013 wrote 24 months ago:
What is it about turning or approaching 60? So many of us feel the same way. I know that with all the changes I made in 2016, I feel so much better. The gym, the lifestyle change to paleo, the new friends at MFP and TOPS.
Keep going forward. Somebody - probably you -said if you find yourself in hell, keep going. I think that works for everyone in just about every situation. Thank you, David, for your blogs. They speak to me every week. Hang in, my friend.
Lynne0126 wrote 24 months ago:
So much truth in what you say, you are an inspiration and probably have been where many are right now, stuck in the same ruts and bad habits. It is hard to break out of a cycle and what we are used to. It's funny because I just bought new containers for portion control!! Great idea for anyone, especially starting out so they can see how much food is in a certain portion. Best wishes to you, keep it up.
GigiShy wrote 24 months ago:
Wow.

Don't you just love getting a Wow? Your writing, your honesty, your self-reflection, your faith in the face of reality - helping you to see reality all the more clearly. Bravo. Your post encourages us all. Thank you. Today, you can call yourself Mr. Wow.

;D
millcreekr wrote 24 months ago:
I'm trying to start my own blog, but the two entries I wrote did not post. Can you give me any suggestions as how to start this blog? It doesn't seem to be very user friendly.
largelassy wrote 24 months ago:
this is the second blog of yours I have read and I just want to say thank you again...beautiful insight and really telling it like it is......blessings
SheilaCali wrote 24 months ago:
Thanks so much for your blog- your candid and honest words are so helpful. I say "amen" quite a bit when I read- from your humorous insights to your scary truth. You're a character, and we're all glad you're still around to captivate and motivate us to better health.
Brenda4fitness wrote 23 months ago:
Every day is a new start. Thank you for reminding me that life moves on, even if my "diet" doesn't. At 52, I find myself wondering if I am too late. No, I'm not. I will keep moving and growing (and not just gray hair). It is never wrong to work at bettering yourself. And no matter where you are in your journey through this life, you can improve the journey by improving yourself. This is all what I am reminded of while reading this blog. Thanks, dear!
KetoKaHee wrote 22 months ago:
I'm a fan of YOU!

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