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I am Strong, but I am Tired!

I think about all the inspiration I have received in my life. I have my heroes. I need to do more in life than hang on for the ride.

I need to get out there and live it!

Yesterday I was back at the doctor for a follow up to February's surgery. It was all good news; nothing life threatening!

So what's wrong after a million tests, surgery and a CT scan? I don't feel 100%.

I am always looking for perspective. Isn't that what inspiration does? It allows us to see our lives in the midst of the big picture we call life. Whether you look forward to a dirt nap or a lifetime in eternity, you still only have today - NOW!

I guess I started feeling sorry for myself. Stupid, right?!

I have a lot to be grateful for. Despite the fact that I can't even remember how many surgeries and procedures I have had in the last 5 years, I am still here - still standing. I have 3 really great daughters; one is getting married in the fall. I have a job and a car and few people that love me.

Oh yeah, and I can still run! The Dublin Marathon in the fall sounds nice!


I get to eat every day, and because I run, I get to eat more than those who don't! I enjoy a few hobbies as well as running. I am a competitive shooter and I am getting better and better. My music is returning too. I went to a concert and thought, I can play that.

So I went home and strung up my Les Paul guitar.

The problem with me is that some days I get tired of doctors - all that probing and prodding - drop your underwear - cough - is this your current prescription list? Other days I get scared that I will end up dying a slow and painful death due to cancer. Having appointments every three months is a constant reminder of how fragile this whole thing is. Last fall I cancelled them all. That was including a day surgery. In fact I didn’t reschedule it for months.

Sure, I fight back!

I ran a 10 mile race in Newport, Rhode Island on Sunday. I DID not wear my Cancer Sucks t-shirt. I just wanted to run and have fun. It was a good day. i pretended all this wasn't happening to me.

Yesterday I started dreading my needle biopsy in July. I f&%$ing hate them!


As I was thinking about what to write about for today, I came across THIS BLOG  which I wrote a few days after rotator cuff surgery a couple of years ago.  

It is amazing what a little perspective and inspiration can do for you. Who are your heroes?

Thanks for the votes and comments.

Friend me at your own risk.

71 votes + -

27 comments:

lesleyloo7879 wrote 32 months ago:
You are allowed to be tired....your body has been through so much. But you are still fighting! I applaud you sir.
jlemoore wrote 32 months ago:
Thanks for putting things in perspective.
TenaciousTurtle44 wrote 32 months ago:
The hardest part of life is that we are human. It's okay to feel how you do...but your drive to keep pushing through, even with canceled appointments...is inspiring! I don't even know how I would be, given what you have had to go through and endure. Would I fight or throw in the towel? You've touched so many people in so many ways. Including me! Hang in there friend! Prayers for you!
Time2LoseWeightNOW wrote 32 months ago:
Keep fighting the fight, You are our inspiration!! to get through our trivial problems.. There's nothing wrong with pretending or getting tired of it all as long as you get back in the game ...
luluinca wrote 32 months ago:
A dirt nap.........LOL. Let's not do that yet! You inspire so many of us so you just have to keep going right? I came pretty close to that nap 4 years ago and it's not something I'm ready to face again so we take two steps forward for every step back.......that's progress!
kevinlynch3 wrote 32 months ago:
Perspective is an extremely powerful tool. Kudos my friend!!
Leahbcc wrote 32 months ago:
Sick and tired of being poked and prodded also and no answers even worst.....holding out hope and then hearing what is or has been ruled out....I get it. You inspire so many and you are amazing...I am glad to call you a friend and trilled to have met you at a finish line in Falmouth. Thanks for the wonderful post!
dsjohndrow wrote 32 months ago:
Leah - Yeah, that was a fun race. Newport 10 was my summer run this year. Was great to meet you!
PlantBasedRnr wrote 32 months ago:
Just so you know... there are more than a " few " people that love you, I can only speak for myself but I love you in the " Christian " sense of the word and think about you and your health often. You have a LOT to live for, I can only imagine what it is like and how tiring it can be but you are truly an inspiration to a lot of us out here. Keep fighting, we need you.
dsjohndrow wrote 32 months ago:
Thanks, bro!
solieco1 wrote 32 months ago:
Yes, you're tired. You're also fit and strong and inspirational. That's hard work! We have a saying in triathlon "Embrace the Suck!"

Life is beautiful and rich and full and tiring. Keep on doing "you" with all your heart and thanks for sharing the struggles and the triumphs with us :)
izzybelle2013 wrote 32 months ago:
Last year I was terrified that I had either a brain tumor or early onset alzheimers. (sorry about spelling) Luckily, although they couldn't find a cause for my symptoms, I don't have either. And I could prove to my husband, thru my MRI, that I do actually have a brain, ha ha. While I can't even begin to imagine everything you have been through, I can totally understand that you just get tired of it all. But, be strong. More than a "few" people love you. Just remember that you are important to us. :)
jackflak wrote 32 months ago:
You are right. Live, laugh and love brother! And you are definitely right about those needle biopsies. Freaking hurt!
kjurassic wrote 32 months ago:
You are definitely one of my heroes!!!
Anonymous wrote 32 months ago:
Depression can cause the feelings you are describing. You have changed your life for the better and you still get cancer. That must be a kick in the gut by itself but you got more then one kind. You've lost friends and family to this horrible illness. You've been so overwhelmed by illness and death that you MUST wonder, "Why am I denying myself the foods I want? Why am I pushing myself to run so hard and so far if it does make enough difference to keep cancer away!" I think that's a natural response. You also went threw a divorce. That alone can cause depression. Physical activity is a great way to counteract feeling down but it might not be enough. Sometimes being strong and trying to keep things in perspective. Please consider seeking help if you need it. I know...more medicine/talking...it might help. From the perspective of this armchair psychologist you are a miracle. You encourage others by being a good example and through your writing and you have survived so much recently. You're allowed to be down. Just don't lose yourself. You matter.
annabellj wrote 32 months ago:
its perfectly normal to feel what youre feeling. i feel the same some days. just recooping from the biopsy from monday, but yes my family history leaves me worrying. it happens and with all you have been thru its the same, perspective is everything,, you are amazing and been thru so much we are all here for you. anne
AnnetteKane54 wrote 32 months ago:
You seem to have it pretty much together. You have every right to feel tired and sorry for yourself when you have been through so much, I know I did.

A positive attitude is great and a massive part of getting through stuff but, guess what, that is allowed to slip every now and again.

You know I heard a kid with cancer say tonight that she never asked 'why me?' Her logic was with one in three people suffering in their lifetime she felt the question should be 'why not me?' she made me feel pretty humble.

Keep doing what you are dong and good luck x
hauteswan wrote 32 months ago:
I have the same problem. First I found out I had skin cancer. Got that all squared away. Then they found a lump on my thyroid. But I have changed a lot of things and for the most part eating was the thing that removed a lot of the tiredness from me. When I switched to a low carb diet suddenly things are changing. My metabolism switched into higher gear. Drinking less soda, eating no cheetos or other crap like that really has changed how I feel. I should be dead tired at 1:31 AM and I am energetic.
Eat Organic foods and meats with no antibiotics or hormones and stuff like that. Low Carb - try Carb Night, I do not eat red meat but I have felt really full most all week and dropped a total of like 13 lbs pretty quickly. Just upping the amount of meat and protiens and lowering the complex carbs has made me energetic. I'm trying to stick to 30 carbs a day but I am getting between 38 and a 100 most days. I will say there is something to this Low Carb things. I have always looked at sugar, calories and fat and never Carbs. But wow. Suddenly things are changing where they never were before.
Best wishes. Hang in there and don't be afraid to be a friend.
Wysewoman53 wrote 32 months ago:
YOU are one of my heroes!
marlown wrote 32 months ago:
You continue to inspire me, as well as others. It's ok to "slack off", listen to our bodies and our minds, and to actually allow ourselves to be vulnerable. It's really necessary, if we are to live life to the fullest. We're all in this thing together and we all have stories. We sometimes try too hard to be strong. I've been reading a book by Brene Brown called "The Gifts of Imperfection" and it's changing my life. Give it a try and let me know what you think.Thanks for sharing all your "gifts"!
hollen_carol wrote 32 months ago:
Wishing you all the best. Such a terrible disease and I'm praying that you beat it. Certainly being as healthy as you can despite it, is a very S-M-A-R-T thing to do. Just keep kicking it in the butt! Find it inside yourself somewhere and take naps in between.
crazymama2both wrote 32 months ago:
Do you live in RI?! I do and I never find anyone near me. And I feel your exhaustion and I think that was a great idea to run Sunday for fun. I think you're doing an amazing job. Keep getting back up! *hugs*
urloved33 wrote 32 months ago:
I am so sorry for you medical issues. Hugs. Thanks for giving me inspiration and being a hero!
JeromeBarry1 wrote 32 months ago:
What's that poem? "Rage, rage, against the dying of the light." Rage on, bro.
celticlass69 wrote 32 months ago:
Oh John, it is totally understandable that you get tired and frustrated and yes scared. You are using the worlds most powerful drug your mind and will power. You are truly an inspiration to me. :)
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iamgunz wrote 30 months ago:
Gosh you are inspirational!!! and here I am thinking what a BS my life is!!! you opened my eyes

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