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Food, Feet and Atilla the Hun

Back in February of 2011 the doctor gave me a rather stern warning about my weight and my current health issues that are related to it. Although my blood pressure has always been about 140 over something - hey I am mostly a Type A - he thought it should be lower. So at 276, 111 pounds more than I weighed when I graduated high school, I made a few changes in the way I ate. Then my wife asked me to join a sadomasochistic trainer to do circuit cardio twice a week. (We are still married!)

The shrink-wrapped 6-pack has to go!

In the first In It to Lose It class, I nearly blew my cookies; God's way of letting me know that eating cookies was a large part of the my weight problem. (Actually in 2004, I had an injury to my foot from improper use of the treadmill along with cheap sneakers and I stopped exercising.) The class, however; it was pretty bad! I should have left my water bottle closer to the floor and brought an oxygen tank. The one-to-ten pain scale used in hospitals, now needs to be extended to 15! Webster, the writer of the definition for agony was certainly well under 50-years-old when he penned it. The editors need to add a fourth description: "just freakin' shoot me!"

I got home that evening and didn't feel like eating - sort of like a New Years morning hangover.

I am now done with the seven weeks of torture and there is just one left to go. I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me, I can! In fact, I have even gone for two additional workouts each week without the scrutiny of Attila the Hun. God knows his eternal destiny - hey I am no Rob Bell.

Now that I can actually talk during a workout without swallowing my tongue, I intend to contact Sir Hugh Beaver to request a record review for the use of the phrase "this sucks", which has eclipsed the Guinness Book of World Records for the utterance of aforementioned phrase in a single hour.

I am making progress. I am down about 55 US pounds, my running speed is up to 7 mph from .007 mph, I have gone from less than a mile per workout to around 3, and everything that hurt before, hurts more than before.

Then there is the food, glorious food. God in his infinite wisdom had McDonalds razed! My favorite drive-thru restaurant, the one just a few miles from my home, it is gone! And the local Uno's Chicago Restaurant is closed for remodeling until fall. A couple of weeks ago I went into Big Fresh and had an allergic reaction to the all natural food. My wife and I have figured out how to order Kidz Meals at Olive Garden, we just have the 7-year-old call; three meals, under $11!

The byproduct of a high fruit and vegetable diet is obvious, but I can't find anyone to pull my finger. I don't miss the rice and potatoes too much either. Honestly, I haven't made that many changes to my former diet - or I didn't think so an until now. Here is a self-test to see if you are actually a dieter, or a normal eater.

-1 Does the dog food look appetizing?
-2 Do you try to eat the crumbs from the bottom of every package and lick the bottom of the yogurt cup?
-3 Have you extended the 5 Second Rule to 40 minutes?
-4 Do you only weigh yourself after going #2?
-5 Have you purposely tripped a skinny person on the escalator at the Mall?
-6 Have you called the cable company to block pornographic restaurant commercials?
-7 Do you "suck it in" and look at yourself in the mirror?
-8 Have you dreamt of a vacation to the Food Court at Disney World?
-9 Have you thought of eating foods sacrificed to idols?
-10 Have you started to read the Bible to see what foods will be on the table at the great Banquet in the clouds?

If you answered YES to two or more of these questions, you might have a clue as to what is going on with me these past eight weeks.

I know, diets usually fail, and one needs to make a lifestyle changes. For a desk-jockey this is a big change, and if all goes well, I will be running a 5K soon!

How about you, are you in shape?

62 votes + -

19 comments:

cindy0716 wrote 108 months ago:
Your sense of humor is really going to help you through all of this "torture". I am definitely not in shape, unless you count round as a shape. But I'm working on it, too.
kalexander2005 wrote 108 months ago:
lol. sadomasochistic trainer.
chedges9090 wrote 108 months ago:
You are terrific! What a fantastic sense of humor! I love it. We all need this kind of humor to keep going! Thanks so much for sharing your story :)
mrszebra wrote 108 months ago:
I loved this! I understood way too much of exactly what you were saying.
brittanyjeanxo wrote 108 months ago:
Haha, this is great! Thanks for the amusing read!
mageepilot wrote 108 months ago:
lol lol! Hah! Yes to #2, #3, #4 and #7 and only no to most of the rest because I didn't think of them :)
TheresaRichardson wrote 108 months ago:
Love your humor.... thanks for the laughs. And yes, #2 & #4, definitely! :-)
susanloveszumba wrote 108 months ago:
You are hilarious! I had to pull myself away from practically licking the inside of the peanut butter jar to type this! Glad with all the torture you are seeing results! Keep up the good work!
eed_bookworm wrote 108 months ago:
So funny -- I laughed out loud reading the list! Best of success to you!
atsteele wrote 108 months ago:
Soooo funny! #2 and #3: Guilty as charged!! (But why are you getting rid of rice and potatoes? They are good for you, especially brown rice!)
fionat29 wrote 107 months ago:
OK, I laughed out loud at this!! It is so funny but SO true at the same time. Fantastic, well done!
joysu wrote 107 months ago:
thanks for letting us see the humor in our journey. i can relate to several on your list. keep up the great work. humor is a good thing and you sure did make me laugh.
MyGoodLife wrote 107 months ago:
I really like that you're not one of those people who are rah-rah all the time, and that you are able to write honestly about how difficult it is to change habits. Great post! You are quite the prolific writer lately!
bevsdietfor2011 wrote 107 months ago:
I love to read all of your posts and blogs!!! You have a wonderful sense of humor and a way of saying things that make me really stop and think. Please keep up the great work and also the great humorous encouragement for all of us.
skinnyme47 wrote 107 months ago:
This is great.#8 sounds good.
Chickabittie wrote 107 months ago:
Guilty, 2-10.

: /
cindyhoney2 wrote 97 months ago:
I was guilty of some of those things 15 mos ago but now I've changed my eating habits and I have not had MCDonalds (other than iced coffee (my downfall)) in about 15 mos. I love your sense of homour, you're crazy!
marlown wrote 34 months ago:
Still funny! And inspiring! And you could be a "Rob Bell". Clever and humorous always. I love him, btw. And your insights. Sometimes too much truth:)!

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