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Famous Quotes

I read a lot. I have a pretty good education for a guy who smoked enough pot in high school to get all of Chicago high for a day. On the Internet, most people don't want to spend more that a few minutes reading. Did you know 47% of all music videos don't even get listened in their entirety?! If you are into food, you'll see that so were many of our most famous orators.

Today I decided to quote some of the literary masters while messing with them a little bit.

Everything on the Internet is true.
-Abraham Lincoln

You can't mess with perfection!

That which does not kill us makes us stronger.
-Friedrich Nietzsche

That pizza and beer looks delicious. I won't die.

If we did the things we are capable of, we would astound ourselves. 
Thomas Edison

It's safer to stay on the couch and binge watch TV whiling eating Doritos.

In the middle of every difficulty lies opportunity.
-Albert Einstein

Einstein was not talking about bagels and donuts.

You must be the change you wish to see in the world.
-Mahatma Gandhi

Count your calories.

Better to remain silent and be thought a fool than to speak out and remove all doubt.
-Maurice Switzer

No truer words were spoken about the message boards.

Don't cry because it's over, smile because it happened.
-Dr Suess

Nothing like some jerk eating the last piece of cake!

If you want something done right, do it yourself.
-Charles-Guillaume Étienne

Is this a veiled attempt to talk about sex?

Better to have loved and lost, than to have never loved at all.
-St Augustine

Chocolate strawberries!

Necessity is the mother of invention.
-Plato

This is why we have a 24-hour drive-thru windows.

Give a man a fish and you feed him for a day; teach a man to fish and you feed him for a lifetime.
-Proverb

I'd prefer a large denomination gift card from Outback Steak House

Believe you can and you're halfway there.
-Theodore Roosevelt

For decades I couldn't believe it until I was all the way there. Then I had to lose 100 pounds.

Life is like a box of chocolates. You never know what you're gonna get.
-Forrest Gump's Mom

Chocolate is from the gods.

Be yourself, everyone else is taken.
-Oscar Wilde

I am sort of glad no one wants to be me. So far I have avoided capture.

Familiarity breeds contempt.
-Aesop

This is why I help my kid look for chocolate I stole from her.

It is always darkest just before the dawn.
-Thomas Fuller

It is always darkest when the lamp in the refrigerator needs to be replaced.

If you are going through hell, keep going.
-Winston Churchill

Why waste time doing stuff you can avoid all together.

Whether you think you can or think you can't – you are right.
-Henry Ford

Donuts are no match for a sugar craving.

Insanity: doing the same thing over and over again and expecting different results.
-Albert Einstein

I don't know, I saw the Deer Hunter and it worked for Russian Roulette.

A penny saved is a penny earned.
-Benjamin Franklin

This is why McDonalds doesn't have a Dollar Menu at the turnpike locations.

Ignorance is bliss.
-Thomas Gray

It's also  good way to end up in jail.

If you love somebody, let them go, for if they return, they were always yours. If they don't, they never were.
-Kahlil Gibran

This happened to me with Tofu.

If at first you don't succeed, try, try, try again.
-William Edward Hickson

Part of the morning weigh in ritual.

I think therefore I am.
- Descartes

I call BS.

Do one thing every day that scares you.
-Eleanor Roosevelt

My kid brought home her class' pet boa constrictor.

The way to get started is to quit talking and begin doing.
-Walt Disney

STFU!

A word to the wise ain't necessary, it is the stupid ones who need all the advice.
- Bill Cosby

Really?

Responsible, who wants to be responsible? Whenever something bad happens, it's always, who's responsible for this?
- Jerry Seinfeld

This why alarm clocks have snooze features.

I'm at the age when food has taken the place of sex in my life. In fact, I've just had a mirror put over my kitchen table.
- Rodney Dangerfield

:)

Those who believe in telekinetics, raise my hand.
- Kurt Vonnegut

I'll leave you with that. Happy Tuesday.

44 votes + -

7 comments:

darcy2102 wrote 30 months ago:
Reading this while drinking coffee...let's just say I am thankful for my new spill guard keyboard.
Pattycake755 wrote 30 months ago:
That was laugh out loud funny!!! Love your sense of humor.
izzybelle2013 wrote 30 months ago:
OK, I will admit that I am out of touch. I don't know what STFU means. I am ashamed. Ha Ha
CountryGirl244 wrote 30 months ago:
Well izzybelle2013 it means ( shut the ---- up ) you asked, sorry
pizzafruit wrote 30 months ago:
Great read!
Aesop101 wrote 30 months ago:
I tell my kids, Chocolate is absolute positive proof that God loves us and wants us to be happy.

Nice write!
tjbnurse77 wrote 30 months ago:
Loved that! My fav quote is "In the middle of difficulty lies opportunity":)Your mirror should be somewhere else where you could burn a few extra calories:) :)

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