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Lie To Me

Lie to me!

Tell me it's different.

Show me a change

and I'll believe you,

even if it's not true.

 

Lie to me,

give me some hope.

(fake as it may be)

Whisper to me the sweetness of words

my heart wants to hear.

 

Lie to me.

Give me your best fib!

Show me numbers and 

figures

so that I may believe

the sweat is real(ly worth it).

 

Now then, tell me the truth.

I'm stronger now, I can take it.

I'll stand here)

naked ; vulnerable

(And stare at your face,

waiting to see

the truth.

 

No more lies...

A Story About A Dryer, Some Pants and The Little Rascals

Today I realized that I may be in my thirties but I sure don't dress like I am.

First of all, I'm a horrible shopper. I hate it. Most I do online because I'm at work all day.

On top of that, I've got size issues. I'm 5'9" with a size 11 foot. So shoes and pants are easier found online where stores carry beyond the average lengths and sizes. 

If it wasn't for Old Navy and Zappos, I'd be naked and barefoot.

But, like I said, I'm not a great shopper and I can make mistakes.

Recently, I bought two new pairs of pants. I have this horrible dryer (another purchasing mistake) that either shrinks everything or doesn't dry it. I've got a high and a low setting and that's about it. So they accidently shrunk some pants and I needed some new ones.

Then I bought size 12 TALL pants when in fact I could have used a size 12 REGULAR from the tall section of the store. Sigh....

I get my new pants and I'm bummed! They automatically don't fit!! They are dragging on the floor and loose around my waist. 

I looked like a pre-schooler playing dress up in her father's jeans.

Then I get this funky idea. I have a horrible black magic dryer that shrinks EVERYTHING and I have pants that are too big. 

DING DING DING!!!!

I trudged down the stairs to my garage and ran a small load of hot water and dropped in the pants. If this set of machines can magically shrink my good pants, why not make it work for me!!

After the washing I dryed them on high and crossed my fingers...

Sigh....I came close to success.

The pants fit a bit better around the waist but I'm still going to need to get these bad boys hemmed.

Uploaded from the Photobucket Android App

For now I look like I could be a member of the He Man Woman Haters Club.

Every Girls' Dream

 
 
Saw this on a friend's Facebook page and I had to share.
 
 
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Heh heh...

Realizations

Today I woke up under a cloud. 

I couldn't put my finger on what it was that was bothering me but I felt grumpy and frustrated on a day that should have brought a smile to my face.

The plan for the day was to spend it at a science center with my son and my guy playing with experiments and exploring the world of Star Wars.

It was a day I had been looking forward to for some time.

In spite of that I still walked around with a sour look on my face.

Then I reached for a muffin, a chocolate chip coffee muffin and ate it without thinking. I was eating to satisfy my unscratched itch. And within moments I fell into an old pattern. I start to berate myself and began to point out all my flaws. I noted that all my hard work was for nothing if I couldn't keep myself accountable.

That I wasn't worth the hard work if I was willing to throw it away so easily.

The voice that I spoke to myself with was harsh and unforgiving. And to shut it up, I ate more.

Later, while I was in the shower, I forced myself to examine my mental and emotional place right now and I realized a few things.

The weight I carry now was put on out of protection. I was unhappy and unsatisfied and I felt I wasn't worthy of a better situation. So I ate, didn't workout and didn't care for myself much. I gained the weight that I'm now working to lose to surround myself with padding because I didn't want to feel the harsh reality of the situation I had found myself in.

I also realized that all my life, I've hated who I am. I'm exotic, different, dark and mysterious. I'm creative, quirky and very odd. None of these things are bad, in fact I kind like these characteristic in people. But for the majority of my school years I worked hard to hide or fit in. I feared being noticed so I did whatever I could to fade into the background when I realized I was so so different from those around me. I bleached my hair and straightened it till I was flat as glass. I spoke little and shared less.

People pointed out my pouty smile, so I smiled less. People noted how beautiful my natural curl was so I yanked and straightened till it was a ghost of what it was naturally. People stated how much they would pay to have my figure and I covered it in baggy clothes and mens wear. 

Anytime attention was called to me in any form, I did everything in my power to hide it. And when there was no way to hide, I accentuated that feature in a quirky and different way.

I have for so long fought against everything I was given naturally for fear of standing out amongst my family and friends that as I lose these layers and I lose these pounds, I'm seeing myself for the first time and I'm not really sure I want to.

I'm afraid to know myself because I've worked so hard to not be her. What if I'm everything I've feared I would be and I don't like myself? What if all the work isn't worth the end result because all my reasons to hide me were honest?

So much fear is surfacing that I'm not feeling right today. I feel disconnected and lost.  

In the end I realized that to move forward I need to accept the changes in me both physically and emotionally. I'll have to accept the removal of my defense mechanism and I'll have to get to know myself, the real me under all of this. I'll have to accept that without it, I'll feel pain when hurt and I'll be ok. 

I also realized that losing the next half is a bigger step than I'm ready for and I think what's best for now is to take a break and work through the feelings that are surfacing. Maintaining my success thus far may be the best option for now while I work on what I've got swirling in my head and heart. 

I'm not giving up, I'm just giving myself a much need mental break while I adjust to what I see in the mirror.

It's time to learn to love myself and my curls, my big pouty smile and my exotic nature. Time to learn to love the girl with her heart on her sleeve and with the open mind.

Time to love me. 

Shattered

The glass bowl tumbled slowly from a shelf high above my head. It flipped and tossed in the air as I watched in pure silence. Cutting through the space between us, it met with a sickening crash as it burst into a million little slivers of silver shards and a handful of large chunks.

The moment was over in a blink of an eye. A dish I was storing in the cupboards over my tile counter in the kitchen came crashing down, raining small and large bits of clear glass around my socked feet.

There was nothing I could do to stop its descent and in my mind, I stood by stoically and watched it fall without a motion to slow it down. Soon time and everything around me sped up and I found myself standing in a sea of glitter and glass shot from my place at the counter out to next week.

"Mama, what happened?" came my son's little voice.

I turned and barked at him to stay away, noticing the glittering pieces of glass catching the light near his bare little toes. His eyes welled and I berated myself for being so gruff. But I was afraid. I didn't want him to step into the mess I had made.....

2010 was a year of messes, one after the other. I felt my world give out from under me as I learned the true identity of some of the people I loved very much. 

I made some choices to remove myself from one person's life and my plans backfired catastrophically. I found myself an emotional hostage. It would take me over 18 months to finally feel free of this situation.

I survived. And I'm alive to pick up the pieces.

In the course of this mess, I found myself in another one. Another friendship took a turn in a direction I hadn't foreseen. In the darkest of hours as I watched what I thought was a healthy relationship of love and trust crumble around my feet, I turned to friends only to find them as toxic as the relationship I was walking away from.

Some of this was my fault. I knew. I saw the red flags. But I ignored what I saw and went with how I felt. I trusted that my love was enough. That my friendship and my loyalty was enough to make what wasn't healthy, better.

In the end I suffered. I made more mistakes along the way as I stumbled through the shards at my feet, the mess I had made by letting it all drop. I slowly picked out the glass that cut deeply. I made a pact to myself not to allow anyone with negative energy or bad intentions into my life. 

Soon, my wounds began to heal. Slowly, but surely. I swept and cleaned up the broken pieces of my heart and in time I began to feel like myself again. Like that part of me that allowed those people to get so close was long gone and now I was a stronger person, free from those broken people.

Until I opened my email inbox this morning......

The glass had flung from the counter to the wall of my kitchen and both of us, my son and I, were without shoes. I began to panic, looking over the broken glass at our feet. I wondered how I would clean it up, make it right without hurting myself. 

The one thing I've gained in the last 18 months is the strength to pick up and move on. So I did. I carefully tip-toed through the kitchen to my broom closet and began to sweep. I made my way to my son and kissed his head gently, apologizing for sounding mad. 

Then I began to clean up. 

I still make messes. I'm not perfect and I don't strive to be. Perfection would make life way too boring. But I'm more open now to the lessons life has to offer. When things look shitty, instead of saying what a crap lot I've been dealt, I take a moment to see the value in it. I've gained confidence in who I am and what I have to offer to those in my life. 

And now I know what I want in return for my loyalty and my friendship.

As for that other mess, the email waiting patiently to be responded to or trashed, I've yet to decide. I know where I want to go in life and I know that this email does not fit into that. But having been on the other end of an apologetic email, I know what it feels like to not receive a word of forgiveness.

For now, I'll let it wait to avoid another mess.

Raise Them Up Right

It's Thursday night and we're headed home from the YMCA.

The sweat from my zumba class is still clinging to my body and my shirt sticks here and there. The cool winter breeze gently pushes the sweaty material against my skin and I shiver. 

It's cold. I'm tired. And I'm ready to be home.

We pile into the car and begin the quick journey home. My almost 6 year old son is whining from his booster seat and I can hear it in his voice that he's tired and hungry, both just as much as the other. I offer a snack which he refuses because, lord forbid, it's a power bar with chocolate chips. 

He hates chocolate.

As we drive in the dark with the fast moving lights above us zooming past, I offer the idea that Friday night is a movie night. We'll stay in and we'll make a special dinner together then we'll watch something new. Something neither of us have seen.

He pipes up that it's a great idea and then offers a request for dinner.

"Can we have salmon and broccoli for our special dinner?"

He couldn't see my face in the dim light in the car. He couldn't see the smile reach across my face to my ears as I nod and verbally agree: Salmon and broccoli sound great!

 

Stewing

The day remains slow and methodical. The calls come infrequently and the jobs even less so. Outside the warehouse is quiet as the men start to clean up for the end of day routines. I've got another hour of sitting here with next to nothing to keep me occupied.

Except for my thoughts.

You see, for the past three hours, I've had a lot on my mind. Things I can't control and things I don't really need to worry about, let alone think about, right now. But my wonderful brain snatched onto an idea and it's been swirling around my head, mixing together the perfect ingredients to create a head full of stewing mess complete with a dash of self-doubt, a cup or two of panic and a pinch of frustration.

I dwell on things I can't control. I worry and fret over ideas. IDEAS! Just thoughts, things that aren't even real, not even tangible! I mentally pace up and down, worrying a hole beneath me as I over-think and over-analyze every scrap floating around in this big ol' pot of mind stew.

The more I stir, the worse the mess gets, sloshing over the side of this large brain pot boiling over a large flame of agitation. As the stew bubbles and emits a healthy stench of worry, I start to get "hungry". Not real hungry, but lets-put-something-tasty-in-my-tummy-so-I-feel-better hungry.

The type of hunger pangs that can only be cured by chocolate, sweets, or shopping for expensive make-up.

I need comfort. I need my good old quilt with my large footsies pajamas and a big bowl of steaming hot clam chowder with french bread to dip in it. I need a hot chocolate made with whole milk, lots of marshmallows and a peppermint stick to stir it with. I need a big slice of cake, white cake with a rich sweet frosting and strawberries in the middle. Of course, vanilla ice cream on the side.

I need love and comfort in some form and when the stew begins to froth over, I reach for food. Or shopping, whichever is most available.

But, in the midst of this wild chef like cooking going on in my brain, a little voice has cut through the din and clang of the metal spoon scraping the sides of the overflowing pot. This little voice is saying "Well, this is all a little stupid, don't you think?"

Stopping for a second I look around and ask "Why do you say so?"

Then the little voice replies "Aren't you just worrying yourself sick over things you can't do jack shit about? Wouldn't it be better to just take a chug of water from that big ol' water bottle and stop stirring? You are making quite a mess."

The little voice has a point. When feeling restless and powerless, making a bigger mess doesn't help and reaching for those not-so-good-for-me comfort foods doesn't do much other than give me a tummy ache and feelings of guilt.

For now I've stepped away from the churning stew that is my brain and I've looked at what I've done. At the mess I've made by letting myself go too far with things I have little to no control over today. Things I didn't need to lend my mind and energy towards at this juncture in time. 

I've stepped back and I've taken a big gulp of water.

No satisfying my negative feelings with food, today. Not today.

12 In 2012: Race #1

For 2012 I've taken on the lofty goal of running 12 races. One each month for the year of 2012. As of January 1st, I had 4 races scheduled.

This weekend, I ran my first race this year. The Resolution Run 5k in San Diego. I ran this race in January 2011. It was my first race ever and I completed it in 41 minutes.

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I'm pretty happy to say I completed the race and beat my original time. My new Resolution Run time is 36:39!

What a great way to start my 2012! And in this race I actually ran 2 miles straight out without stopping. Now that is a huge accomplishment for me. I tend to do a combo of running and walking. But this time I pushed and got to the turn around, past the water station and made it to mile marker 2 before taking a small break.

Race #2 is scheduled for the end of February and it's an 8k so I have some work to do before then!!

Have You Hugged Your Plateau Today?

Plateaus. Everyone's experienced them.

You lose a little. You get into a rhythm. You lose some more and get excited. Confident. You've got your routine.

You like the way you are looking and feeling.

Then it's like your body decides to take a nap. To just even out the score. You've lost a bit, the numbers are different, so why not just, I don't know....take a break?

Next thing you know, your weight loss plateaus. 

It happens to everyone. Even I've hit a plateau or two. I happen to be on one now.

In the past, when the numbers stopped moving and my progress seemed to halt, I'd get frustrated. I'd kick and cry and scream as I felt I knew what was best. I thought I had it all figured out and that my body had NO RIGHT to stop.

That was how I dealt with plateaus before.

Now, I have a different approach.

I've discovered that I love my plateaus. 

Yep...love. Adore. Appreciate. Even feel grateful for that momentary slow down.

I look at a plateau as if it's my body's way slowing down so that my mental and emotional sides can catch up. 

Because, whether or not you agree, there are some emotional and mental ties to losing weight. Whether the emotional side was one cause for the gain in the first place, or if the emotional side is how you feel about losing the weight, either way, your feelings are involved.

I, for one, gain weight when stressed or unhappy. And, while losing is great and fantastic when done in a healthy manner, losing the weight gained during tough times is a real trip on the old noodle.

The weight I've lost in my face alone caused me some panic recently. I seriously had to step back and ask myself if I was ready to see ME. To really put my best features forward without a layer of comfortable cushion surrounding me. I wasn't so sure at first, but that didn't stop me. I kept working.

This was the plateau that made me fall head over heels for the cute little bugger. When my body stalled for awhile, I realized it was a chance for me to reassess, evaluate my level of commitment and my level of readiness to confront everything hiding underneath. 

While I did this, I didn't stop working out. I didn't stop signing in and saying hi or logging. While my levels of commitment were maybe a little less, I was still in the game.

And you know what?

That plateau bid adieu and I started to lose again.

I started to lose and I was mentally prepared for the next step in my journey.

I LOVE my plateaus. I'm grateful for that mental vacation to gather my wits and head on up the next hill. 

When you learn to love what you can't stop from happening and find the silver lining, it makes the journey an adventure rather than a struggle. 

When a plateau hits, keep working. Keep logging. Drink that water and evaluate your eating habits and your workout routine. Sweat and cuss through a new routine or class. And have faith that the plateau isn't staying for long.

Plateaus happen whether we like it or not. Now it's just learning to love them and take advantage of the break they offer.

January Challenge: Wall Sit

I'm a Facebook girl.

What can I say? It keeps me in touch with family and friends all over and keeps me busy when times are slow.

I'm also addicted to quotes and positive sayings. I tend to collect them and post them for myself when I need the motivation.

One of the Facebook sites I follow is MotivateHopeStrength and I get A LOT out of their little daily posts and shared wisdom.

This was one posted today. It made me remember the days I played volleyball and our coach had us do wall sits often. Oh I'd whine and sweat, but I always felt accomplished once she called time and I stood up, having never given up my positive against that damn brick wall.

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To MotivateHopeStrength, I take on this challenge.

I will gladly attempt a 10 minute wall sit. If I can't, I'll work on it and check back in.

January Challenge: 10 minute wall sit.

 

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