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TOPIC: Steve Harvey – Do you know what your partner thinks of you?

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April 10, 2013 11:56 AM
I’ve just finished Steve Harvey’s book “Act Like a Lady, Think Like a Man.” Some good points, though several of his key points got on my nerves. One thing that caught me off guard was that he said that you should know what your partner both feels AND thinks of you, and he’s careful to note that these are two things are not the same. For example, a man could love being with you but think you’re not qualified to be the mother of his future. He says he loves being with you, so you think he wants to eventually settle down with you. But you’ve never found out what he THINKS of you. He said if you ask a man what he thinks of you, he usually will come out and say something that tells you if you’re in his long-term sight picture or just fun for now.

What do you think about that?



QUOTE:
“Next, ask what he thinks of you. Listen closely to what he says. You’ll get answers like, ‘I think you’re fun to be with; I think you’d make a great mother; you’re the kind of girl a guy could spend his life with you.’ Those are things a woman wants to hear.
“Right after he answers that question, turn right around and ask the last question. How does he feel about you? Mr. Slick, who’s just a player, hasn’t given any thought to how he feels about you, so his answer will sound the same as what he thinks about you.
“You’re looking for stuff like, ‘you’re the person I enjoy spending time with; I want this to go further; I can’t see myself living without you; you’ve become very important to me; I need you.’ If you don’t hear that, you may not be going where you think you going.”

Note: I don’t have the book with me… I pulled this quote from an article about the book.
Edited by JanieJack On April 10, 2013 12:06 PM
  15346377
April 10, 2013 12:05 PM
I think you're taking relationship advice from a 2nd rate comedian
  14795220
April 10, 2013 12:15 PM
This is pretty much why I don't read self help books, or articles/blogs about "rules of dating". This type of pseudo-psychology is very annoying.
  857661
April 10, 2013 12:23 PM
I have read both of Steve Harvey's books, and I agree with both of the other responses.
I can't deny he has some key points on how to set boundaries, etc. some of this 'theories' are not for me.

In 'Straight Talk, No Chaser' (I think this is the name) he does say how to ask the same question 3 different ways to get the real answer... that is probably the best thing I took from his books.

I can see his point in what you quoted, but some of the players are slick enough to know the right things to say... and even if he wasn't a player, if you asked this to a man you dated for 1 month wouldn't you possibly be creeped out if he said 'I can't imagine spending the rest of my life without you?'
  6459278
April 10, 2013 12:32 PM
I told BB about this book the other night and asked what he thought (“I know you love me, but if I had to tell someone in one sentence what you think of me, I couldn’t really”). He paused for a moment and then said (quite matter-of-factly). “Well, you’re the most beautiful woman I’ve ever met…and probably the smartest too. We have a lot in common, and that’s why I love you.” That sounded pretty good to me.
wink
  15346377
April 10, 2013 12:34 PM
QUOTE:

I told BB about this book the other night and asked what he thought (“I know you love me, but if I had to tell someone in one sentence what you think of me, I couldn’t really”). He paused for a moment and then said (quite matter-of-factly). “Well, you’re the most beautiful woman I’ve ever met…and probably the smartest too. We have a lot in common, and that’s why I love you.” That sounded pretty good to me.
wink


Sounds very genuine, but you have known him a lot longer... for people who have read Steve's books he is suggesting you find this stuff out in the first 90 days... he has a lot of 90 day 'rules'
  6459278
April 10, 2013 12:47 PM
QUOTE:

I told BB about this book the other night and asked what he thought (“I know you love me, but if I had to tell someone in one sentence what you think of me, I couldn’t really”). He paused for a moment and then said (quite matter-of-factly). “Well, you’re the most beautiful woman I’ve ever met…and probably the smartest too. We have a lot in common, and that’s why I love you.” That sounded pretty good to me.
wink


So what do you do with the guy whose answer is "If I didn't see potential I'd have dropped you already and if I was certain, I would have proposed already?"
  14795220
April 10, 2013 12:50 PM
QUOTE:

QUOTE:

I told BB about this book the other night and asked what he thought (“I know you love me, but if I had to tell someone in one sentence what you think of me, I couldn’t really”). He paused for a moment and then said (quite matter-of-factly). “Well, you’re the most beautiful woman I’ve ever met…and probably the smartest too. We have a lot in common, and that’s why I love you.” That sounded pretty good to me.
wink


So what do you do with the guy whose answer is "If I didn't see potential I'd have dropped you already and if I was certain, I would have proposed already?"


I think it depends how long you have dated... if you have dated 6 months then get to know eachother and see what happens! if you have dated 2-3 years and wanted an imminent proposal, then you have to reavaluate where you stand in the relationship, what you want, how fast you want it, etc. and be prepared to walk.
  6459278
April 10, 2013 2:14 PM
QUOTE:

I have read both of Steve Harvey's books, and I agree with both of the other responses.
I can't deny he has some key points on how to set boundaries, etc. some of this 'theories' are not for me.

In 'Straight Talk, No Chaser' (I think this is the name) he does say how to ask the same question 3 different ways to get the real answer... that is probably the best thing I took from his books.




ooh I didn't know he had a 2nd book out. I would be interested in reading. I thought TLMALL was a good book with pretty good advice. Kim can you elaborate on how to ask a question 3 different ways to get the real answer?

to respond to Janie's original post I agree that was something feels for you and what they think about you are two completely different things. You may be head over heels for someone (feel) but know they are not the right person for you (think). brokenheart
Eg. I was completely in love with my ex, he made ME very happy, was a complete gentleman, did all the right things a bf should do, had a great job and was very attentive and giving but I knew that he would never be a good father.
Edited by nolachick On April 10, 2013 2:21 PM
  277488
April 10, 2013 3:33 PM
QUOTE:

This is pretty much why I don't read self help books, or articles/blogs about "rules of dating". This type of pseudo-psychology is very annoying.


^^ this!

It's not only annoying, it's so fishy and twee! You would NEVER hear a guy asking a girl this kind of crap!! If your b/f isn't showing/telling you he loves you, at least enough for you not to care what the difference is to his 'thinking' and 'feeling' is, then you're with the wrong guy!

It's one of those female 'I'm so insecure' questions, like 'does my bum look big in this'? sick

90 day rule my arse! laugh Makes you wonder how relationships have survived throughout every race, religion and culture over the last 2000 years /sarcasm
April 10, 2013 5:11 PM
Nolachick - I don't have the book in my possession, so I can't quote it for you... (sorry)

Basically the first time you ask a question - ie why did you breakup? the person will paint themselves as the victim.
Then you can word that answer into another question a little deeper, and they generally will tell you what you want to hear..
Then you take all three and get the truth..

I can't find anything online, but his examples were good.. sorry!!!
  6459278
April 10, 2013 6:00 PM
QUOTE:
You would NEVER hear a guy asking a girl this kind of crap!


I think that women are typically more inquisitive and want to know and understand more about their surroundings, and their relationships. Coupled with the fact that men are kind of encouraged by society to portray themselves as less emotional, they wouldn't dare ask, even if they wondered.
  7587537
April 10, 2013 9:35 PM
QUOTE:

QUOTE:
You would NEVER hear a guy asking a girl this kind of crap!


I think that women are typically more inquisitive and want to know and understand more about their surroundings, and their relationships. Coupled with the fact that men are kind of encouraged by society to portray themselves as less emotional, they wouldn't dare ask, even if they wondered.


If I was dating a guy who asked me questions like that I would think he's clingy and insecure. If I didn't like you I wouldn't be with you, it's as simple as that. Talks about what we expect from the future happen without beating around the bush and finding three different ways of saying "But HOW do you like me??" what's wrong with "We should procreate at some point in the future, what say you?" I really believe that being straight forward and open will get you the answers you need. When you hit avoidance with that tactic is when you should be worried.
  857661
April 11, 2013 7:32 AM
QUOTE:

QUOTE:

QUOTE:
You would NEVER hear a guy asking a girl this kind of crap!


I think that women are typically more inquisitive and want to know and understand more about their surroundings, and their relationships. Coupled with the fact that men are kind of encouraged by society to portray themselves as less emotional, they wouldn't dare ask, even if they wondered.


If I was dating a guy who asked me questions like that I would think he's clingy and insecure. If I didn't like you I wouldn't be with you, it's as simple as that. Talks about what we expect from the future happen without beating around the bush and finding three different ways of saying "But HOW do you like me??" what's wrong with "We should procreate at some point in the future, what say you?" I really believe that being straight forward and open will get you the answers you need. When you hit avoidance with that tactic is when you should be worried.


Asking the 3 questions had nothing to do with finding out if he likes you... it was more based on asking the hard questions like 'why did you and your wife divorce?' becuase everyone is going to paint the story a lot nicer than it really was... ie my ex told me him and his wife grew apart and she left him. Come to find out, she left him becuase of $200 grand in gambling debt....
  6459278
April 11, 2013 7:47 AM
QUOTE:

QUOTE:
You would NEVER hear a guy asking a girl this kind of crap!


I think that women are typically more inquisitive and want to know and understand more about their surroundings, and their relationships. Coupled with the fact that men are kind of encouraged by society to portray themselves as less emotional, they wouldn't dare ask, even if they wondered.


Not ALL women, just the insecure one's!!

Her:Do you love me?

Him:Yes, or course I do!

Her: But HOW MUCH do you love me?

Him: Oh, more than life itself babe!

Her: But is that what you're FEELING or what youre THINKING???

Him: Jeez, I'm going down the pub!! laugh laugh
April 11, 2013 7:48 AM
I avoid the "how-to" books on dating and relationships. I don't want someone to coach me into being someone I'm not.

I know exactly who I am, and for the most part, I know what I want in a man. When a relationship is going well, you know it. You don't need to ask a man how he feels, because you will know how he feels (good or bad). Likewise, I won't ask what he thinks of me. The men I date have been quite vocal in those regards and I'm not the type to seek approval.

Go with the flow, be yourself and let the man be a man. The more questions you pressure him with, the faster he'll run.
April 11, 2013 7:49 AM
QUOTE:

QUOTE:

QUOTE:
You would NEVER hear a guy asking a girl this kind of crap!


I think that women are typically more inquisitive and want to know and understand more about their surroundings, and their relationships. Coupled with the fact that men are kind of encouraged by society to portray themselves as less emotional, they wouldn't dare ask, even if they wondered.


Not ALL women, just the insecure one's!!

Her:Do you love me?

Him:Yes, or course I do!

Her: But HOW MUCH do you love me?

Him: Oh, more than life itself babe!

Her: But is that what you're FEELING or what youre THINKING???

Him: Jeez, I'm going down the pub!! laugh laugh


Cheers! drinker
April 11, 2013 8:20 AM
QUOTE:

I avoid the "how-to" books on dating and relationships. I don't want someone to coach me into being someone I'm not.

I know exactly who I am, and for the most part, I know what I want in a man. When a relationship is going well, you know it. You don't need to ask a man how he feels, because you will know how he feels (good or bad). Likewise, I won't ask what he thinks of me. The men I date have been quite vocal in those regards and I'm not the type to seek approval.

Go with the flow, be yourself and let the man be a man. The more questions you pressure him with, the faster he'll run.


CAN I get an a-MEN! /gospel
  857661
April 11, 2013 8:49 AM
QUOTE:

QUOTE:

QUOTE:

QUOTE:
You would NEVER hear a guy asking a girl this kind of crap!


I think that women are typically more inquisitive and want to know and understand more about their surroundings, and their relationships. Coupled with the fact that men are kind of encouraged by society to portray themselves as less emotional, they wouldn't dare ask, even if they wondered.


If I was dating a guy who asked me questions like that I would think he's clingy and insecure. If I didn't like you I wouldn't be with you, it's as simple as that. Talks about what we expect from the future happen without beating around the bush and finding three different ways of saying "But HOW do you like me??" what's wrong with "We should procreate at some point in the future, what say you?" I really believe that being straight forward and open will get you the answers you need. When you hit avoidance with that tactic is when you should be worried.


Asking the 3 questions had nothing to do with finding out if he likes you... it was more based on asking the hard questions like 'why did you and your wife divorce?' becuase everyone is going to paint the story a lot nicer than it really was... ie my ex told me him and his wife grew apart and she left him. Come to find out, she left him becuase of $200 grand in gambling debt....


I agree with Kim, guys will always try to down play things so sometimes you have to ask things in different ways or at different times. 9 times out of 10 he will tell you more details or different details each time.

@kits I know everyone is entitled to their opinion on the threads but maybe you should consider stating your opinion as an opinion and not immediately bashing everyone else for theirs. I feel like you always bash other girls for their thoughts and opinions (eg. immediately call them needy, clingy, insecure, etc) i'm not trying to be mean or critical to you, I'm just letting you know how you may come off to others.
Edited by nolachick On April 11, 2013 8:50 AM
  277488
April 11, 2013 8:58 AM
I think that a lot of relationships and marriages end because it becomes too much about kids, work, family and you forget that you once were passionately in love with them. Maybe if you have these conversations it will help your relationship more, by remembering you are a couple, rather than mom and dad or roommates?
  7587537
April 11, 2013 9:14 AM
QUOTE:


@kits I know everyone is entitled to their opinion on the threads but maybe you should consider stating your opinion as an opinion and not immediately bashing everyone else for theirs. I feel like you always bash other girls for their thoughts and opinions (eg. immediately call them needy, clingy, insecure, etc) i'm not trying to be mean or critical to you, I'm just letting you know how you may come off to others.


I actually appreciate you pointing that out to me. Generally speaking I make an attempt to not single anyone out or call them such things. I focus on "it comes across as..." vs "YOU ARE..." but looking back I can see a few areas where I slipped and could have offended someone.

I will be more diligent, thank you.
  857661
April 11, 2013 9:41 AM
The three question thing can be used in many ways. A lot of job interviewers will ask the same question 3 ways to see if your are just reciting prepared answers.
April 11, 2013 9:49 AM
QUOTE:

The three question thing can be used in many ways. A lot of job interviewers will ask the same question 3 ways to see if your are just reciting prepared answers.


Do people often view relationships and interviews or interrogations as the same thing?
  857661
April 11, 2013 10:00 AM
QUOTE:

QUOTE:

The three question thing can be used in many ways. A lot of job interviewers will ask the same question 3 ways to see if your are just reciting prepared answers.


Do people often view relationships and interviews or interrogations as the same thing?


I can see similarties between a first interview and a first date. Both are about seeing if you would go be a match for eachother, you and someone you want to date and you and a company.
April 11, 2013 10:04 AM
QUOTE:

QUOTE:

QUOTE:

The three question thing can be used in many ways. A lot of job interviewers will ask the same question 3 ways to see if your are just reciting prepared answers.


Do people often view relationships and interviews or interrogations as the same thing?


I can see similarties between a first interview and a first date. Both are about seeing if you would go be a match for eachother, you and someone you want to date and you and a company.


I get that, but this is about drilling someone on their feelings for you, or where you see a relationship going. Hardly first date conversation stuff.
  857661

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