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March 11, 2013 5:50 AM
My stream of consiousness changed while I was writing this. I guess a better title would have been "Passion vs. Balance"

I shared a profile last week that was spewing frustration and what not. It was pretty bad. I ran into another one this weekend that was orders of magnitude worse. I've seen a few before that said something along the lines of "If you even considered voting for Romney, Don't contact me. It's a waste of time." That's somewhat understandable because about 70% of the vote in this area goes for the Republican candidate in statewide or national elections.

This lady had one that actually called Obama a porch monkey, was followed by the 10-15 things she hated most about Obama. I'm not sure any of her "facts" were true. It then concluded with a section lecturing about being fat and listing yourself as average and included a link to a BMI calculator. I think the only redeeming things about her profile was that it included pics in a bikini and she had a nice body. That and it made it really clear I wanted nothing to do with her.

It got me thinking about all the times you hear people saying they want to find someone who is passionate about something. This lady was definitely passionate. The ones who said don't contact me if you voted for Romney are passionate as well. I've seen others that were equally passionate about their religious views. Most of them have been a deterrent to my interest. I've also been talking to a lady who seems almost singularly focused on her job. This gets old as well. So I guess my thought is where do most of you lean on meeting people who are passionate about something or things and someone who is balanced? Someone who has several interests, maybe a few hobbies but nothing that leans towards obsession.
Edited by dbrightwell1270 On March 11, 2013 5:52 AM
  14795220
March 11, 2013 6:00 AM
My #1 rule in online dating was that I never emailed anyone who mentioned politics or religion in their profile. Always worked out pretty well for me.

I also saw one profile that said she only likes guys with messy swoopy emo band boy hair. I'm not sure what that is but I was pretty sure it wasn't me, nor would I ever date someone who's primary criteria for selecting a mate was hair style.
March 11, 2013 6:20 AM
People have high expectations from online dating, which isn't generally realistic anyways.

However, I find this typical (not the extremism displayed by the OP's examples, insulting Obama/demanding a democrat isn't typical) but I believe the filtering part for females is.

If you consider that most females receive a plethora of messages daily, they usually choose to filter these messages because realistically they cannot invest hours a day reading every message from a male they receive.

The examples you have given, in my opinion, are just women who have chosen to "filter the messages they receive" with arguably wrong concepts.

However yeah, I sympathize with you that it is frustrating to read that crap.

To clarify, these women are probably not 100% focused on what they put in their profile if you meet them in real life, they simply type these things to filter the kinds of messages / number of messages they receive.
Edited by zachatta On March 11, 2013 6:21 AM
March 11, 2013 6:41 AM
I agree with the unrealistic expectations. I have seen many people who state they are looking for nothing less than a 10 when they themselves are maybe a two or three. Along with many things as no smaller than a D cup.
March 11, 2013 6:42 AM
QUOTE:

My #1 rule in online dating was that I never emailed anyone who mentioned politics or religion in their profile. Always worked out pretty well for me.


Hmm really? I mention both because they are a big part of who I am and I think guys need to know that up front. But I don't say anything like "don't contact me if you disagree" - I just mention that I am an atheist and that I am involved in community activities, like I volunteered for the Obama campaign. I thought these things may dissuade religious or conservative people, which is fine - but would you really just not write to me because I mentioned these things (even if you agree/don't care about my stance)? They are pretty definitive as far as who I am, and aren't online profiles about describing who you are?
Edited by UrbanLotus On March 11, 2013 6:43 AM
  31145992
March 11, 2013 6:56 AM
QUOTE:

QUOTE:

My #1 rule in online dating was that I never emailed anyone who mentioned politics or religion in their profile. Always worked out pretty well for me.


Hmm really? I mention both because they are a big part of who I am and I think guys need to know that up front. But I don't say anything like "don't contact me if you disagree" - I just mention that I am an atheist and that I am involved in community activities, like I volunteered for the Obama campaign. I thought these things may dissuade religious or conservative people, which is fine - but would you really just not write to me because I mentioned these things (even if you agree/don't care about my stance)? They are pretty definitive as far as who I am, and aren't online profiles about describing who you are?


I am the same way. I put on my profile that I am a Liberal Democrat but I do not expound on it because I live in in the south which is heavy Republican. So it is more of a heads up then anything else.
March 11, 2013 7:09 AM
QUOTE:
QUOTE:
My #1 rule in online dating was that I never emailed anyone who mentioned politics or religion in their profile. Always worked out pretty well for me.

Hmm really? I mention both because they are a big part of who I am and I think guys need to know that up front. But I don't say anything like "don't contact me if you disagree" - I just mention that I am an atheist and that I am involved in community activities, like I volunteered for the Obama campaign. I thought these things may dissuade religious or conservative people, which is fine - but would you really just not write to me because I mentioned these things (even if you agree/don't care about my stance)? They are pretty definitive as far as who I am, and aren't online profiles about describing who you are?

I think that what DB "complains" about isn't people who have interests, but people who are "extremists" about those interests.
You can be a religious extremist, fitness extremist, obama extremist or atheist extremist.

So... now the question becomes this:
When you think about the religious/conservative person who would be dissuaded, do you think the problem would be that:
- You wouldn't like to have them talk about their opinions all the time and try to convince you? (you don't like extremists, but could actually live with a religious/conservative person who isn't an extremist)
- You wouldn't accept their opinion and would try to convince them that they are wrong but they wouldn't have it? (you are the extremist)
March 11, 2013 7:16 AM
QUOTE:

QUOTE:
QUOTE:
My #1 rule in online dating was that I never emailed anyone who mentioned politics or religion in their profile. Always worked out pretty well for me.

Hmm really? I mention both because they are a big part of who I am and I think guys need to know that up front. But I don't say anything like "don't contact me if you disagree" - I just mention that I am an atheist and that I am involved in community activities, like I volunteered for the Obama campaign. I thought these things may dissuade religious or conservative people, which is fine - but would you really just not write to me because I mentioned these things (even if you agree/don't care about my stance)? They are pretty definitive as far as who I am, and aren't online profiles about describing who you are?

I think that what DB "complains" about isn't people who have interests, but people who are "extremists" about those interests.
You can be a religious extremist, fitness extremist, obama extremist or atheist extremist.

So... now the question becomes this:
When you think about the religious/conservative person who would be dissuaded, do you think the problem would be that:
- You wouldn't like to have them talk about their opinions all the time and try to convince you? (you don't like extremists, but could actually live with a religious/conservative person who isn't an extremist)
- You wouldn't accept their opinion and would try to convince them that they are wrong but they wouldn't have it? (you are the extremist)


The issue usually comes from the Republican/Religous side. I have known several on that side that won't even think of dating someone that is Democrat or someone that isn't the same religion as they are as they feel that it would be breaking their core values. I had one friend go on a date and she didn't mention she was a Democrat in her profile and the guy went off on her calling her a liar and that she was a fraud. While most people that are not religious will date someone of any religion as long as they don't try to push it on to them and that usually goes the same with majority Democrats.
March 11, 2013 7:16 AM
There's a difference between being passionate and being a zealot. Calling the president a porch monkey and listing false facts as to why it's okay to hate him is not passion. People that are passionate tend to know what they're talking about and don't spew hate based on untrue information gathered via Weekly World News (that reminds me, what IS Batboy up to these days?).
  857661
March 11, 2013 7:17 AM
QUOTE:

QUOTE:

My #1 rule in online dating was that I never emailed anyone who mentioned politics or religion in their profile. Always worked out pretty well for me.


Hmm really? I mention both because they are a big part of who I am and I think guys need to know that up front. But I don't say anything like "don't contact me if you disagree" - I just mention that I am an atheist and that I am involved in community activities, like I volunteered for the Obama campaign. I thought these things may dissuade religious or conservative people, which is fine - but would you really just not write to me because I mentioned these things (even if you agree/don't care about my stance)? They are pretty definitive as far as who I am, and aren't online profiles about describing who you are?


I don't mention politics in my profile, but I do briefly mention religion under my interests... "Singing in the choir and volunteering at church." I added it because it is an interest that takes up my time, as well it is a part of who I am. Not sure if it caused my emails to drop, but I do know that men are paying attention to it. If they choose not to reply because of it, then that means we would have been wasting each other's time anyway.
March 11, 2013 7:23 AM
QUOTE:

QUOTE:
QUOTE:
My #1 rule in online dating was that I never emailed anyone who mentioned politics or religion in their profile. Always worked out pretty well for me.

Hmm really? I mention both because they are a big part of who I am and I think guys need to know that up front. But I don't say anything like "don't contact me if you disagree" - I just mention that I am an atheist and that I am involved in community activities, like I volunteered for the Obama campaign. I thought these things may dissuade religious or conservative people, which is fine - but would you really just not write to me because I mentioned these things (even if you agree/don't care about my stance)? They are pretty definitive as far as who I am, and aren't online profiles about describing who you are?

I think that what DB "complains" about isn't people who have interests, but people who are "extremists" about those interests.
You can be a religious extremist, fitness extremist, obama extremist or atheist extremist.

So... now the question becomes this:
When you think about the religious/conservative person who would be dissuaded, do you think the problem would be that:
- You wouldn't like to have them talk about their opinions all the time and try to convince you? (you don't like extremists, but could actually live with a religious/conservative person who isn't an extremist)
- You wouldn't accept their opinion and would try to convince them that they are wrong but they wouldn't have it? (you are the extremist)


I think there are a couple things. One is the extremist attitude that Flim noted. Whether it is politics, religion, fitness, whatever, I don't want someone who is obsessive with "their way" of doing it. The other is the manner in which people communicate. If a person is putting in ultimatums or directions of how to behave in the profile, I don't imagine that person will be very pleasant in real life.

There is a big difference between "I am not a religious person. I do not attend service regularly and we probably would not click if you expect your partner to do such things." and "I am an atheist. Don't waste my time if you're a Bible thumper."
The general content of both statements is the same. However, even if I held similar beliefs as a person expressing this sentiment, I would not contact someone who wrote the latter.
  14795220
March 11, 2013 7:25 AM
Politics is one of my favorite subjects if not my favorite. I won't date someone if there is any danger I'll wake up one morning to hear Fox News on the TV and no accompanying hysterical laughter from him.

I used to be more open to dating different political types but that way lies frustrating silences because we both always ended up knowing whatever we said would piss the other person off. Never again.

I'm a proud leftist who thinks Obama is a human and civil rights violating right winger just like Bush was, and I won't date anyone who thinks otherwise. Not because people aren't welcome to think what they want but because I hate those silences where discussion or agreement should be.

Oh, and I'm also an atheist. And no, I wouldn't date someone who wasn't at least agnostic. I've had it with religion.

If people think my criteria are extreme, so be it. It's my life, I date who I want! tongue
Edited by MaraDiaz On March 11, 2013 7:27 AM
March 11, 2013 8:04 AM
Politics...meh. If it was ever really about the issues it might be different..but honestly what I find simultaneously off putting and fadcinating is the marketing and manouvering. Can't help but see it as one big power game.

But...best crazy yet passionate profile I have come into contact with?

Parrots. Yes...the guy had a profile name "macaw" something and his whole profile was about exotic birds and bird rescue and trips to look at birds and how to date him you would have to love...yes..birds. Bizarre.
March 11, 2013 8:49 AM
QUOTE:

QUOTE:
QUOTE:
My #1 rule in online dating was that I never emailed anyone who mentioned politics or religion in their profile. Always worked out pretty well for me.

Hmm really? I mention both because they are a big part of who I am and I think guys need to know that up front. But I don't say anything like "don't contact me if you disagree" - I just mention that I am an atheist and that I am involved in community activities, like I volunteered for the Obama campaign. I thought these things may dissuade religious or conservative people, which is fine - but would you really just not write to me because I mentioned these things (even if you agree/don't care about my stance)? They are pretty definitive as far as who I am, and aren't online profiles about describing who you are?

I think that what DB "complains" about isn't people who have interests, but people who are "extremists" about those interests.
You can be a religious extremist, fitness extremist, obama extremist or atheist extremist.

So... now the question becomes this:
When you think about the religious/conservative person who would be dissuaded, do you think the problem would be that:
- You wouldn't like to have them talk about their opinions all the time and try to convince you? (you don't like extremists, but could actually live with a religious/conservative person who isn't an extremist)
- You wouldn't accept their opinion and would try to convince them that they are wrong but they wouldn't have it? (you are the extremist)


None of the above...I'm looking for a long term/lifetime relationship, so I want to share my interests and values with that person. I guess if these were passve beliefs it might not matter, but I am actively involved in causes (both in my professional life and in the things I do outside of work), and I want someone to share those things with - or at the very least someone I can talk to about those things with openly and freely with their understanding.

Yes extremists makes sense, but he said someone who "mentions" those things on their profile - I'm trying to see what is wrong with that. Though I do live in DC - if you don't mention/aren't interested in politics you are kind of a freak of nature around these parts :).
  31145992
March 11, 2013 9:48 AM
QUOTE:

QUOTE:

My #1 rule in online dating was that I never emailed anyone who mentioned politics or religion in their profile. Always worked out pretty well for me.


Hmm really? I mention both because they are a big part of who I am and I think guys need to know that up front. But I don't say anything like "don't contact me if you disagree" - I just mention that I am an atheist and that I am involved in community activities, like I volunteered for the Obama campaign. I thought these things may dissuade religious or conservative people, which is fine - but would you really just not write to me because I mentioned these things (even if you agree/don't care about my stance)? They are pretty definitive as far as who I am, and aren't online profiles about describing who you are?

Well, that's a little different, I have no problem with that. There's usually a place to fill in your religious pr political beliefs, if they feel the need to go beyond that, than it's probably something they are passionate about and we probably just wouldn't be a good fit. I'm not religious and hate talking about politics.
March 11, 2013 10:05 AM
QUOTE:

So I guess my thought is where do most of you lean on meeting people who are passionate about something or things and someone who is balanced? Someone who has several interests, maybe a few hobbies but nothing that leans towards obsession.


I'm pretty middle of the road type person, so if anyone displays extreme political/religious views on a profile, I'd probably go like this huh and move on.

But I'm sure there are some extremists that would get off on an extreme view, and they would make a good match!
March 11, 2013 11:26 AM
QUOTE:

If you consider that most females receive a plethora of messages daily, they usually choose to filter these messages because realistically they cannot invest hours a day reading every message from a male they receive.




LOL I wish I was one of these women, I do not get a plethora of messages :)

Personally for me, unless it sounds extreme, the only thing in a profile that turns me off is mentioning sex.
Do you really need to mention you like sex? do you really need to say you offer just as much quality as quantity?
Just crap like that irks me.
Edited by kimad On March 11, 2013 11:27 AM
  6459278
March 11, 2013 12:48 PM
I'm not bothered by people who have very strong beliefs. I just don't like people (on either side) whose views are based on ignorance. Certainly we can all arrive at different conclusions based on the same set of facts, but you can't make up your own facts to suit the conclusions you've already drawn.

As for being obsessive about things, it depends on what we're talking about. I don't think it's unusual, as people get older and have less free time, for their interests to narrow a bit. If it's something that's actually a good thing to be "obsessed" about, like being healthy, then I'm okay with it. If it's a specific goal, like finishing grad school or training for a marathon, then I'm okay with it because a) it's temporary and b) you're improving yourself. And if you're at least willing to respect the fact that other people may not share your passion and may not want to hear you talk about it 24/7, then I'm okay with it. It's only a red flag for me if it's obvious that a person does not have a life outside of this one hobby. If you can't manage to fit more than one interest into your life, then where am I going to end up on your list of priorities?
  517622
March 11, 2013 7:26 PM
I think a lot of people just put too much expectation into an online dating site. It seems like they see the Match.com commercials and think, "Oh! I'm going to meet someone who agrees with me in every single way!", so they create a very specific, narrowly focused profile thinking they're going to magically find the love of their life and then get bitter because they don't. I saw this special on online dating once where they actually interviewed a real matchmaker and one of the things she said really stuck with me. She said the nice thing about a matchmaker is that you get one option at a time that meets probably 75-85% of what you are looking for. She also said that in online dating people find a lot of potential matches meeting that same percentage range, but reject them because they keep thinking the next best thing is right around the corner. In reality, if you meet someone who has 85% of what you want, you should run toward the aisle, not wait for that mythical 99.9% match to drop in your lap.

Anyway, it's an interesting thought. Personally I don't have a problem with someone having a strong opinion and being willing to stand up for it -- after all, I prefer to not date sheep. I do have a problem with being insulted or dating someone who is insulting of others just because they happen to have a different view point. I just don't think it's necessary. Dating shouldn't be about "conquering the enemy".
Edited by nhsoprano On March 11, 2013 7:27 PM
March 12, 2013 5:24 AM
QUOTE:
She also said that in online dating people find a lot of potential matches meeting that same percentage range, but reject them because they keep thinking the next best thing is right around the corner. In reality, if you meet someone who has 85% of what you want, you should run toward the aisle, not wait for that mythical 99.9% match to drop in your lap.


That's interesting. One thing I've noticed as I've gotten older is that people seem to be more tolerant (or understanding or patient or whatever) about things they may not have been so willing to overlook when they were younger. It stands to reason that when you're in your 30s and 40s, if you know you want to get married at some point, you start getting more realistic. So you would think, generally speaking, that finding someone online would be easier. But I see the matchmaker's point that if you still have all these options who seem to have 75%+ of what you're looking for, you don't think twice about ditching someone because you assume the next great guy/girl is only an email away.

I was talking to a male friend over the weekend who recently got married for the first time at 35. He was telling me he thinks women are just not realistic when it comes to men. We are conditioned to believe we have a soulmate out there somewhere, and the first fault we see in a guy, we write him off as "not the one." Ten years later, you're thinking the one fault that guy had was maybe not so awful.
  517622
March 12, 2013 6:27 AM
QUOTE:

QUOTE:
She also said that in online dating people find a lot of potential matches meeting that same percentage range, but reject them because they keep thinking the next best thing is right around the corner. In reality, if you meet someone who has 85% of what you want, you should run toward the aisle, not wait for that mythical 99.9% match to drop in your lap.


That's interesting. One thing I've noticed as I've gotten older is that people seem to be more tolerant (or understanding or patient or whatever) about things they may not have been so willing to overlook when they were younger. It stands to reason that when you're in your 30s and 40s, if you know you want to get married at some point, you start getting more realistic. So you would think, generally speaking, that finding someone online would be easier. But I see the matchmaker's point that if you still have all these options who seem to have 75%+ of what you're looking for, you don't think twice about ditching someone because you assume the next great guy/girl is only an email away.

I was talking to a male friend over the weekend who recently got married for the first time at 35. He was telling me he thinks women are just not realistic when it comes to men. We are conditioned to believe we have a soulmate out there somewhere, and the first fault we see in a guy, we write him off as "not the one." Ten years later, you're thinking the one fault that guy had was maybe not so awful.

I think what happens is that people become (because of a number of options that keep shrinking) more tolerant about the unimportant things (this "fault" that, people realise 10 years later, was maybe not so awful) but become more assertive on some other things (their deal breakers, often shaped by their previous relationships and "bad" experience).

I agree with the guy you quoted though, I think on average women mature later when it comes to being realistic about relationships - once they've been through it a few times, and also when they start having less options.
For (most) men (and due to our competitive nature and the fact that young women have got so much choice), it sometimes look like a battlefield out there so we learn quickly to be always on our toes.
Edited by flimflamfloz On March 12, 2013 6:29 AM
March 12, 2013 9:27 AM
QUOTE:

QUOTE:

So I guess my thought is where do most of you lean on meeting people who are passionate about something or things and someone who is balanced? Someone who has several interests, maybe a few hobbies but nothing that leans towards obsession.


I'm pretty middle of the road type person, so if anyone displays extreme political/religious views on a profile, I'd probably go like this huh and move on.



Anna, I am very middle of the road as well. As far as politics, I vote for the person I believe to be the best for the job (even outside of the 2 major parties). I believe that religion is mostly all the same thing, just represented differently on how you want to interpret it.

Usually, if someone is truly passionate about something, I am all for it. However, that doesn't mean I have to agree with them all the time. I will usually avoid these profiles when it is extreme one way or another on almost any topic.
March 12, 2013 11:58 AM
I agree with nhsoprano, that online dating comes with too much expectation and pressure.
Just becuase you met online and liked eachother's pictures and profile doesn't mean you are meant to have an instant love connection. You still need to get to know the person and when you put too much pressure on to make a relationship, you fail to learn enough about eachother or you miss the red flags, etc. Stuff takes time, just like if you met a person in real time (at the bar, etc.). I have a new perspective going in, becuase I met someone I thought was a good match for me, but there was soooo much pressure. He had already put me in his future, had all these thoughts and comments about me, had me on a petastal, but then as things progressed (way to quickly) it wasn't what he had thought. Had it only been slower who knows ((mind you in this case I later realized he was NOT for me, but I just mean in general). Things need time, I think alot of time too people get lust confused with a real connection. I am rambling here, but I agree....
  6459278
March 12, 2013 12:04 PM
QUOTE:

QUOTE:
She also said that in online dating people find a lot of potential matches meeting that same percentage range, but reject them because they keep thinking the next best thing is right around the corner. In reality, if you meet someone who has 85% of what you want, you should run toward the aisle, not wait for that mythical 99.9% match to drop in your lap.


That's interesting. One thing I've noticed as I've gotten older is that people seem to be more tolerant (or understanding or patient or whatever) about things they may not have been so willing to overlook when they were younger. It stands to reason that when you're in your 30s and 40s, if you know you want to get married at some point, you start getting more realistic. So you would think, generally speaking, that finding someone online would be easier. But I see the matchmaker's point that if you still have all these options who seem to have 75%+ of what you're looking for, you don't think twice about ditching someone because you assume the next great guy/girl is only an email away.

I was talking to a male friend over the weekend who recently got married for the first time at 35. He was telling me he thinks women are just not realistic when it comes to men. We are conditioned to believe we have a soulmate out there somewhere, and the first fault we see in a guy, we write him off as "not the one." Ten years later, you're thinking the one fault that guy had was maybe not so awful.


I have definately become more tolerant on somethings, and less tolerant on deal breakers. I guess I don't think for most of my 20's I knew what dealbreakers should be. Nor boundries. I was in a nightmare situation (looking back now) and I didn't know any different. Noone told me to open my eyes. So as film said, we build some of our dealbreakers and boundaries based on our past, which is GOOD, but it can also be a hinderance too. I think we need to keep it realistic as your friend said.
  6459278
March 12, 2013 12:24 PM
I didn't know until I was 27 or 28 what I was looking for in a man. Then it suddenly became very clear to me. And none of my "non-negotiables" are physical things (well, other than the whole 'functioning penis and testicles' thing). It's really just a few values and lifestyle-related issues that I won't compromise on. Everyone's looks are going to change at some point, but a personality is forever. I can only assume that marriage is easier when you choose someone whose presence doesn't make you want to off yourself.
  517622

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