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TOPIC: I'm bored... Tell me a joke :D

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January 30, 2013 12:01 PM
We all took a group photo last Christmas...it should be done printing around Easter...
January 30, 2013 12:02 PM
How do you move sleeping cattle?

-- With a bull dozer! laugh
January 30, 2013 12:06 PM
Get comfortable, it's a long joke. I love it because it is the only one I know with two punchlines . . .

A priest is sweeping the steps in front of the church before mass when guy with no arms walks up to him. "Father, I was born without arms and it has been my lifelong ambition to ring the church bell." The priest says, "I have no idea how you would do that, but it is time for mass so you are welcome to try." Up in the bell tower they go. The armless guy is looking around for ideas but there does not appear any easy way for him to ring the bell. The father says, "It is time. Either you find a way or I will have to ring it for mass." Out of ideas, the guy gets a running start and goes face first into the bell. A little stunned, he staggers back and gives it another run. On the third shot, he is quite dazed, misses the bell and goes out the window. A crowd gathers below and see's the priest in the bell tower. "Father, do you know who this man is?" "I have never seen him before, but his face rings a bell."

But wait, there's more . . .

The next week the priest is out in front of the church when he sees the armless guy again. "I thought you were in the hospital!" "No, that is my twin brother. I thought I would try to cheer him up by finishing what he started and ringing the bell." Priest says, "I don't know about that. Last time did not go very well." Armless guy: "I know, but it would really mean a lot to my brother." Priest says, "Fine. It is about time for mass. Let's go." Same thing happens except this time when he goes out the window, he breaks his neck and dies. A cop is walking by and sees the ordeal. He checks the armless guy out, looks up to the bell tower and says, "Padre, this guy is a dead ringer for the guy here last week."
January 30, 2013 12:09 PM
QUOTE:

Get comfortable, it's a long joke. I love it because it is the only one I know with two punchlines . . .

A priest is sweeping the steps in front of the church before mass when guy with no arms walks up to him. "Father, I was born without arms and it has been my lifelong ambition to ring the church bell." The priest says, "I have no idea how you would do that, but it is time for mass so you are welcome to try." Up in the bell tower they go. The armless guy is looking around for ideas but there does not appear any easy way for him to ring the bell. The father says, "It is time. Either you find a way or I will have to ring it for mass." Out of ideas, the guy gets a running start and goes face first into the bell. A little stunned, he staggers back and gives it another run. On the third shot, he is quite dazed, misses the bell and goes out the window. A crowd gathers below and see's the priest in the bell tower. "Father, do you know who this man is?" "I have never seen him before, but his face rings a bell."

But wait, there's more . . .

The next week the priest is out in front of the church when he sees the armless guy again. "I thought you were in the hospital!" "No, that is my twin brother. I thought I would try to cheer him up by finishing what he started and ringing the bell." Priest says, "I don't know about that. Last time did not go very well." Armless guy: "I know, but it would really mean a lot to my brother." Priest says, "Fine. It is about time for mass. Let's go." Same thing happens except this time when he goes out the window, he breaks his neck and dies. A cop is walking by and sees the ordeal. He checks the armless guy out, looks up to the bell tower and says, "Padre, this guy is a dead ringer for the guy here last week."


Ha! I actually giggled a little at that one happy
  33862298
January 30, 2013 12:16 PM
QUOTE:

Get comfortable, it's a long joke. I love it because it is the only one I know with two punchlines . . .

A priest is sweeping the steps in front of the church before mass when guy with no arms walks up to him. "Father, I was born without arms and it has been my lifelong ambition to ring the church bell." The priest says, "I have no idea how you would do that, but it is time for mass so you are welcome to try." Up in the bell tower they go. The armless guy is looking around for ideas but there does not appear any easy way for him to ring the bell. The father says, "It is time. Either you find a way or I will have to ring it for mass." Out of ideas, the guy gets a running start and goes face first into the bell. A little stunned, he staggers back and gives it another run. On the third shot, he is quite dazed, misses the bell and goes out the window. A crowd gathers below and see's the priest in the bell tower. "Father, do you know who this man is?" "I have never seen him before, but his face rings a bell."

But wait, there's more . . .

The next week the priest is out in front of the church when he sees the armless guy again. "I thought you were in the hospital!" "No, that is my twin brother. I thought I would try to cheer him up by finishing what he started and ringing the bell." Priest says, "I don't know about that. Last time did not go very well." Armless guy: "I know, but it would really mean a lot to my brother." Priest says, "Fine. It is about time for mass. Let's go." Same thing happens except this time when he goes out the window, he breaks his neck and dies. A cop is walking by and sees the ordeal. He checks the armless guy out, looks up to the bell tower and says, "Padre, this guy is a dead ringer for the guy here last week."


This reminds me...a lady places a personal ad asking for a man who "won't beat me, won't run out on me, and is very well endowed". One day the doorbell rings and she opens it to find a man in a wheelchair with no arms and no legs. "I am here in reply to your ad in the personals" he tells her. "Are you sure?" she asks. "Yes he says, you wanted someone who won't beat you, see I have no arms....and who won't run out on you, see I have no legs". "Oh I see" she blushes considers this for a moment hems and haws and then asks "ummmm, what about the 3rd requirement". "Well how do you think I rang the doorbell?" She lets him in.
January 30, 2013 12:19 PM
How do you catch a unique rabbit?? Unique up on him tongue hehehe makes me laugh every time.
January 30, 2013 12:31 PM
"Vodka please"

"Sorry ma'am, this is McDonalds"

"Oh sorry!! McVodka and supersize it please"
January 30, 2013 12:31 PM
What kink of cereal can you eat while riding a bicycle and jumping ramps?


Double nut crunch!
January 30, 2013 12:37 PM
<----
QUOTE:

What do Pink Floyd and Princess Dianna have in common?


....Their last big hit was the wall.


LMFAO
  24122556
January 30, 2013 12:41 PM
QUOTE:

What is red and smells like blue paint?

Red paint!

HAHAHAHAHAAAAHHAHAHAAAA! Sorry...I'm not a good joke teller. :-(


Ok, that made me laugh. Laugh and laugh!
  24122556
January 30, 2013 1:23 PM
Why did the orange go to the doctor?

He wasn't "peeling" well.
  34141127
January 30, 2013 1:25 PM
QUOTE:

"Vodka please"

"Sorry ma'am, this is McDonalds"

"Oh sorry!! McVodka and supersize it please"


There was one recently where this fella said if McDonalds ever started selling hot dogs, he wondered if anyone would be brave enough to order a McWeiner, and supersize it.
  34141127
January 30, 2013 1:35 PM
A cheeky one:)

What is irony?
That after 25 years of marriage you find out that your wife is not so passionate in bed but has asthma :O
  36615162
January 30, 2013 1:39 PM
QUOTE:

QUOTE:

What is red and smells like blue paint?

Red paint!

HAHAHAHAHAAAAHHAHAHAAAA! Sorry...I'm not a good joke teller. :-(


Ok, that made me laugh. Laugh and laugh!


Me too :)
January 30, 2013 1:43 PM
My mate just said, "What's your favourite mythical creature?"

I said, "Those happy women in Tampax adverts."
  35441122
January 30, 2013 1:43 PM
QUOTE:

What do Pink Floyd and Princess Dianna have in common?


....Their last big hit was the wall.


Too soon!
  32365379
January 30, 2013 1:46 PM
A reporter is interviewing the Chief of a tribe of Indians:

Reporter: I have noticed that all of the braves wear feathered head-dresses, but they all seem to have a different number of feathers. Is there some kind of meaning behind the number of feather they wear?
Chief: Of course there is. You see Running Deer over there? He has 5 feathers, so he F'em 5 Squaws. And Lazy Raven over there only has 1 feather, so he F'em only 1 Squaw.
Reporter: Well, OK, but what about you? Your head-dress must have HUNDREDS of feathers?
Chief: Me big Chief, I get to F'em ALL the Squaws!
Reporter: Oh dear! That's horrible!
Chief: No, No DEER!.... A$$ too high and they run too fast!
Edited by NotRailMeat On January 30, 2013 1:47 PM
  31700660
January 30, 2013 1:50 PM
A chicken walks into a bar.
Bartender says "sorry, we don't serve food here."
January 30, 2013 1:50 PM
A pub landlord is shutting up for the night when there is a knock at the door. When he answers, a Tramp asks him for a tooth-pick. He gives him the toothpick and the tramp goes off.

A few minutes later there is a second knock. When he answers, there is a second Tramp who also asks for a toothpick. He gets his toothpick and off he goes.

There is a third knock at the door, and a third Tramp. The landlord says, "Don't tell me, you want a toothpick too."

"No, a straw," says the Tramp.

The landlord gives him a straw but is curious as to why he wants it, so he asks the Tramp why he wants a straw and not a toothpick.

To which the Tramp replies, "Some bloke just threw up outside but all the good stuff's gone already".
  35441122
January 30, 2013 3:15 PM
OK the old ones are the best......

What's the difference between a Buffalo and a byson?


You can't wash your hands in a Buffalo!!!!

Boom Boom, cracks me up every time!
February 4, 2013 8:38 AM
WOMAN'S PERFECT BREAKFAST :

She's sitting at the table with her gourmet coffee.

Her son is on the cover of the Wheaties box.

Her daughter is on the cover of Business Week.

Her boyfriend is on the cover of Playgirl.

And her husband is on the back of the milk carton.
February 4, 2013 8:51 AM
What do you call 53 millionairs sitting around watching the Super Bowl?


The Dallas Cowboys!
February 4, 2013 9:05 AM
If your bored...Search NeonDeon's Channel on YouTube to watch a bunch of random videos. Thanks!
  12254666
February 4, 2013 9:17 AM
Two cows stand in a field.
First cow: Are you worried about this Mad Cow Disease thats going round?
Second cow: Not really, I'm a chicken.
February 6, 2013 6:55 AM
Rowlf: Why don't you wear shoes Fozzie?
Fozzie: Why should I? I'd still have bear feet. Wocka Wocka Wocka!

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