Message Boards » Single Peeps! » Discussion

TOPIC: Why does he bring up his ex?

« Prev 1 2 Next »
« Prev 1 2 Next »
 
Ic_disabled_photos
Topic has been inactive for 30 days or more and images have been disabled.
Display All Images
July 4, 2012 3:50 AM
This is exactly why I don't go looking for serious relationships until I'm confident I've gotten over my last ex. If I can go a month without evening thinking about them, then I'm ready to move on. I know kids make it more difficult, but the principle is the same.

ETA: It appears he hasn't set rules for communications with his ex. If they're going to stay in contact, they have to have rules on where, when, how and how often. That way he can free up himself to be with you.
Edited by AllanMisner On July 4, 2012 3:51 AM
July 4, 2012 6:02 AM
Let's just say the conversation did not go well for me. He said his ex just started contacting him again after he started developing feelings for me but he still has feelings for her since they were together so long even though he has no plans on getting back with her.

We then talked about us, he sees us having a future but he is not ready to make us more after 10 weeks of dating, I am ready for more and have been ready for more for awhile. My head tells me I need to break this off andy heart is not into leaving just yet. We have our first whole weekend planned to go up north for my friends wedding which I already rearranged my plans and lodging to accommodate him so I don't feel like figuring that out again but I am very upset with what happened that I don't think I want him there. But this weekend is probably it for us....
July 4, 2012 6:39 AM
QUOTE:

Let's just say the conversation did not go well for me. He said his ex just started contacting him again after he started developing feelings for me but he still has feelings for her since they were together so long even though he has no plans on getting back with her.

We then talked about us, he sees us having a future but he is not ready to make us more after 10 weeks of dating, I am ready for more and have been ready for more for awhile. My head tells me I need to break this off andy heart is not into leaving just yet. We have our first whole weekend planned to go up north for my friends wedding which I already rearranged my plans and lodging to accommodate him so I don't feel like figuring that out again but I am very upset with what happened that I don't think I want him there. But this weekend is probably it for us....


Again, I think the guy is just being honest with you. He's said he doesnt want to get back with her, but I know that him saying he has feelings for her is going to make you feel lost. It just depends on what those feelings are (hmmm) I wouldnt just break it off for the hell of it, especially when he says he can see a future for you two. But I would give him some space to sort his head out and try and distance myself emotionally for a bit.

Remember, we all have ex's for a reason. I still have feelings for my ex's and I haven't seen one of them in 20 years!! Just because you have feelings, doesnt men you want to be with someone flowerforyou Of course it could mean that you do too!! Who broke off the relationship?
July 4, 2012 6:48 AM
QUOTE:

Again, I think the guy is just being honest with you. He's said he doesnt want to get back with her, but I know that him saying he has feelings for her is going to make you feel lost. It just depends on what those feelings are (hmmm) I wouldnt just break it off for the hell of it, especially when he says he can see a future for you two. But I would give him some space to sort his head out and try and distance myself emotionally for a bit.

Exactly. I still have feelings for my ex... of hate.

If he still have feelings for her (of love) after she dumped him, and he is forcing himself not to go back with her (because he is a proud man - he'll show her!), then that's bad.
If he still have feelings for her (of respect) after they split, and he doesn't want to go back with her (because they've tried, and it didn't work out in the end - he's learnt his lesson), then that's good.
Edited by flimflamfloz On July 4, 2012 6:49 AM
July 4, 2012 6:54 AM
QUOTE:

Let's just say the conversation did not go well for me. He said his ex just started contacting him again after he started developing feelings for me but he still has feelings for her since they were together so long even though he has no plans on getting back with her.

We then talked about us, he sees us having a future but he is not ready to make us more after 10 weeks of dating, I am ready for more and have been ready for more for awhile. My head tells me I need to break this off andy heart is not into leaving just yet. We have our first whole weekend planned to go up north for my friends wedding which I already rearranged my plans and lodging to accommodate him so I don't feel like figuring that out again but I am very upset with what happened that I don't think I want him there. But this weekend is probably it for us....


I think you have some talking to do at the weekend and that will clarify things for you. Personally, as a minimum I'd back off for a while and let him know you need more in terms of being with someone who is emotionally available to you, even if they are not yet ready to make a commitment. I agree with Allan, contact with an ex may be necessary for the sake of the kids, but usually this is fairly minimal and limited in nature. If it's about other stuff (eg how she feels about how her kid is feeling, rather than a request for him to see the child) then not only are there feelings, but he is continuing to provide her with emotional support. This won't help him to move on from the relationship, regardless of whether he intends to return to it or not.
July 4, 2012 7:24 AM
QUOTE:

Let's just say the conversation did not go well for me. He said his ex just started contacting him again after he started developing feelings for me but he still has feelings for her since they were together so long even though he has no plans on getting back with her.

We then talked about us, he sees us having a future but he is not ready to make us more after 10 weeks of dating, I am ready for more and have been ready for more for awhile. My head tells me I need to break this off andy heart is not into leaving just yet. We have our first whole weekend planned to go up north for my friends wedding which I already rearranged my plans and lodging to accommodate him so I don't feel like figuring that out again but I am very upset with what happened that I don't think I want him there. But this weekend is probably it for us....
Come on now,does it have to be all or nothing?
Really,think about it...you have moved in your mind clearly at a fast and maybe unreasonable pace while he had not so you are ready to give up?
If a guy was writing this but his issue was sex would you feel the same,that he should quit ?
July 4, 2012 8:33 AM
QUOTE:

Come on now,does it have to be all or nothing?
Really,think about it...you have moved in your mind clearly at a fast and maybe unreasonable pace while he had not so you are ready to give up?
If a guy was writing this but his issue was sex would you feel the same,that he should quit ?


I am just worried as more time goes on more feelings will develop and it will get harder. I really don't know what I'll do since I do really like him and I see a future with him as well but he is holding back from me. He is supposed to call this morning.

No, I don't think he should quit regarding the sex issue.
Edited by BelMckenzie On July 4, 2012 8:36 AM
July 4, 2012 8:43 AM
I think it's great he's mentioning her at all. It's better than if he didn't and you found these txts on his phone. I know it can be a little annoying but the honesty is encouraging xx
  1309267
July 4, 2012 8:56 AM
QUOTE:

QUOTE:

Come on now,does it have to be all or nothing?
Really,think about it...you have moved in your mind clearly at a fast and maybe unreasonable pace while he had not so you are ready to give up?
If a guy was writing this but his issue was sex would you feel the same,that he should quit ?


I am just worried as more time goes on more feelings will develop and it will get harder. I really don't know what I'll do since I do really like him and I see a future with him as well but he is holding back from me. He is supposed to call this morning.

No, I don't think he should quit regarding the sex issue.

My point being that issue is what a guy wants a relationship to move to so if he should be willing to give it a chance without it from the lady then the same applies to what you want.
July 4, 2012 4:26 PM
It is seldom I disagree with Carl, but here, I'd say make distance from this guy. He admitted feelings for her. He's not over her. Therefore, he can't be true to you. You're setting yourself up to be a rebound relationship.
July 5, 2012 7:27 AM
I don't know .. there is still having feelings for your ex .. and knowing it won't work out .. and then there are she broke up with me and I still love her feelings .. So I guess it depends on which it is.

If he knows it won't work with her, then I say give him a shot to love you. He sounds like a very open and honest guy .. which is hard to find. If he is worth it, then give him a chance. If all you are going to do is fret and worry about what he is doing .. then end it now. But if you can go with the flow for a little while, then why not. Enjoy him while you have him.
July 5, 2012 8:57 AM
I admit I'm still very confused what to do, I'm thinking of giving him some more time another month since them he will then be going out of the country for 3 weeks and I won't be sitting and waiting then for a chance at a relationship. However, I will be keeping my options further open now.
July 5, 2012 6:27 PM
QUOTE:

It is seldom I disagree with Carl, but here, I'd say make distance from this guy. He admitted feelings for her. He's not over her. Therefore, he can't be true to you. You're setting yourself up to be a rebound relationship.


I usually agree with Carl as well...not this time though. I would back off, tell him you are gonna take some space and see what happens. His feelings for his ex and her reappearing in his life ... Not good signs, he did talk to you about it, but doesn't change the fact he and his ex are probably setting up for another run. Like Dirty Sid, not good he let his ex texting cause him to cancel plans with you!
July 6, 2012 5:15 AM
QUOTE:


Ok, I have no kids or have ever dated a guy with kids so I am completely out of my element on this- but won't you want your kid to have a clean break from your ex too?


Depends on the relationship. My ex was in my daughters life for 4 years. She turns 6 in October. We have remained friendly and he stays in contact with her. I mean, if it wasn't a serious relationship and it was only for a few months then yeah, clean break all around, but when a male comes into a child's life and says he's going to take over the father role and does so, he can't just disappear because that's just as damaging as the bio parent walking out.
  3289437
July 9, 2012 9:28 AM
Update:

We had a great weekend at my friend's wedding, however his ex blew up his phone Fri & Sat night (he turned it off both nights) and when it was turned on each morning there were like 15-20 texts. He told me that he told her to stop on Sat but apparently that didn't do anything. He said that she is texting him about her kid.

So when we got back on Sunday, we talked and he has been stressed about all this and I asked again if he wanted space and he agreed. I cried since I am sensitive and I don't want it to be over. So my plan of action is to get over him, no contact to him and I just signed up for online dating again.

Well, he texted me a bit yesterday, called me last night, told me he spent the day depressed, texted me this morning, and commented on everything on my facebook page. That is not helping me, even though I think in his mind- he just wants to step back to clear his mind and figure his plan of action.

I am miserable about this and experience has taught that none of this means anything good for me so I need to get my butt in gear and move on.... So if anyone can leave some empowering thoughts, that would be helpful.
July 9, 2012 9:33 AM
Hm. That's a tough one. He's the one that said he wanted space though. I would say something like:

Look, you said you wanted space, yet you're not allowing yourself to get any. You're making it harder on me by remaining in contact and I feel like you're kind of using me. Figure out what you want and if it's me, let me know. If it's not me, please let me be.
July 9, 2012 9:42 AM
QUOTE:

Hm. That's a tough one. He's the one that said he wanted space though. I would say something like:

Look, you said you wanted space, yet you're not allowing yourself to get any. You're making it harder on me by remaining in contact and I feel like you're kind of using me. Figure out what you want and if it's me, let me know. If it's not me, please let me be.


Yep! I agree with my niece flowerforyou
July 9, 2012 11:19 AM
Empowering advice to move forward: Remember that he wasn't giving you what you wanted in the end and there will be someone who eventually will provide you with what you want and need. It's great you met someone you enjoyed parts of, but he just wasn't the whole picture. You didn't seem happy stressing about what was going on with him and his ex so now you don't have to worry about it.

Now you can have fun with more Mr. Wrongs until Mr. Right finds you! drinker

I'd also cut all ties for you--back and forth is no bueno and he already said he wanted space, but isn't following through on that so now you have to do it for yourself since he's being weak/selfish. (Just calling it like I read it!)

More fishies in the sea. bigsmile
July 9, 2012 11:40 AM
QUOTE:

So, I have been dating a guy for 3 months and he brings up his ex sometimes and it really starting to bother me. We were hanging out on Sunday (I helped him clean his garage) and he told me he got a strange email from her asking if his accent was changing (he moved from CA to WI) and also that he had tealights in his bathtub from when she visited him in Feb 2011! I know they broke up last May 2011 and then were on and off until it ended Dec 2011.

Now last night we were supposed to get together and he texted me saying that he was talking to his boss and won't be able to get together. I asked him about it today and he said it was a long night and to add to that his ex blew up his phone with texts last night too, making it a strange night.

So do you think he still has something with his ex that he keeps bringing her up with me? I talk to my ex every once in a blue moon but don't bring it up with him but I have no feelings for my ex. Why would you talk about your ex to your new partner?


As someone who did this after I split up with my ex wife to several women I dated its probably a combination of him not being completely over her and not being that much into you. But I'm pretty sure you already know these things dont you?
July 9, 2012 12:22 PM
QUOTE:

Hm. That's a tough one. He's the one that said he wanted space though. I would say something like:

Look, you said you wanted space, yet you're not allowing yourself to get any. You're making it harder on me by remaining in contact and I feel like you're kind of using me. Figure out what you want and if it's me, let me know. If it's not me, please let me be.


I know, I will definitely be passing this along to him, since I won't be able to get through it if he is still trying to be a part of my life.
July 9, 2012 12:23 PM
QUOTE:

Empowering advice to move forward: Remember that he wasn't giving you what you wanted in the end and there will be someone who eventually will provide you with what you want and need. It's great you met someone you enjoyed parts of, but he just wasn't the whole picture. You didn't seem happy stressing about what was going on with him and his ex so now you don't have to worry about it.

Now you can have fun with more Mr. Wrongs until Mr. Right finds you! drinker

I'd also cut all ties for you--back and forth is no bueno and he already said he wanted space, but isn't following through on that so now you have to do it for yourself since he's being weak/selfish. (Just calling it like I read it!)

More fishies in the sea. bigsmile


Thank you! I really appreciate this!
July 11, 2012 4:59 AM
QUOTE:

Its common sense, he isnt over her and she isnt over him. Ok I have to say this, why do people do this crap? This is why I think its stupid for people to start dating the next day or too soon after a serious relationship. People say always say get back out there immediately, its stupid advice so stop it. This is what happens when people date others when they are not ready, people like this woman gets hurt and put int he middle.


^^ Agreed! And I've made this mistake many times before!
  439888
July 11, 2012 5:20 AM
QUOTE:

Update:

We had a great weekend at my friend's wedding, however his ex blew up his phone Fri & Sat night (he turned it off both nights) and when it was turned on each morning there were like 15-20 texts. He told me that he told her to stop on Sat but apparently that didn't do anything. He said that she is texting him about her kid.

So when we got back on Sunday, we talked and he has been stressed about all this and I asked again if he wanted space and he agreed. I cried since I am sensitive and I don't want it to be over. So my plan of action is to get over him, no contact to him and I just signed up for online dating again.

Well, he texted me a bit yesterday, called me last night, told me he spent the day depressed, texted me this morning, and commented on everything on my facebook page. That is not helping me, even though I think in his mind- he just wants to step back to clear his mind and figure his plan of action.

I am miserable about this and experience has taught that none of this means anything good for me so I need to get my butt in gear and move on.... So if anyone can leave some empowering thoughts, that would be helpful.



I've been through this with a guy before. His ex of 5 years used to call and text a lot about the silliest little things when he and I were together. He also talked about her a lot even though they hadn't been together in a year. He and I were never officially a couple because he always randomly got depressed and stressed out about the situation. He was always actively posting on my MySpace (yeah, this was a long time ago). When I would ask him if he needed space, he agreed to it and would come crawling back to me, obviously when the ex would turn him down. We ended our relationship (or whatever it was) because of his random depression due to her, and he tried to look to me for emotional and physical solace when he found a new girlfriend one month later.

Fast forward from 2007 to present day 2012. He's married now to a different woman. They've been married for 2 years. Less than a year after he was married, he contacted me, looking for emotional and physical solace once again. After I got out of a long-term relationship in January, the contact increased from him. We've hung out a few times, but nothing more (even though he made advances). A few weeks ago I told him that absolutely nothing will ever happen between us, of course because he is married and I have a significant other now. He still asks to hang out with me as "just friends" but insists on the late-at-night rendevous where I come pick him up while he's out on a walk/jog. Not going for it. Especially when he needs to keep the "just friends" thing a secret from his wife. After all these years he's still playing games. The woman he's married to is someone that everyone in his life likes (Stepford type) and doesn't have a lot in common with him. I'm the more alternative type of woman who has a lot in common with him. He even shares really dark secrets and things that he is into that his wife doesn't know about and won't accept. He uses me (or tries to now) because he feels comfortable with me, but never felt comfortable enough to make a committment.

This is an example of what this can turn into. Move on.
Edited by xmysticstardustx On July 11, 2012 5:22 AM
  439888
July 11, 2012 3:36 PM
I have fooled myself on more than one occassion thinking it is will get better and he'll get over whatever he is going through with an ex. Very rarely has it worked out in my favor. If you want something more serious than the casual dating anf he doesn't maybe now is not the right time for you two to be together. Sucks when you really like someone but I can't imagine being with someone still dealing with all of that.
  16468832
July 11, 2012 6:46 PM
Misread
Edited by Carl01 On July 11, 2012 6:47 PM

Message Boards » Single Peeps!

Posts by members, moderators and admins should not be considered medical advice and no guarantee is made against accuracy.