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TOPIC: How long does it take men to fall in love?

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July 2, 2012 6:53 PM
An IRL friend wrote me about this guy she's been seeing for a few months. She thinks she might be falling in love with him, and is wondering how long it normally takes for men to fall in love.

Here is what I told her:

QUOTE:
I've heard that it takes a man at least 6 months to use the L word and actually mean it. I've also heard you really, really, have to wait for him to say it first (and NOT during sex or a high-emotional time like death of a parent) because he could say it in the heat of the moment and then regret it. I've personally felt love feelings for someone in 2 or 3 months, but I have also discovered that it's only around the 3-4 month point that I start to see the "real him" so I try not to trust those feelings.


Your thoughts?
Edited by JanieJack On July 2, 2012 6:54 PM
  15346377
July 2, 2012 7:01 PM
I think it could vary. I've said it to one guy, and I didn't even say it to him until we'd been together for about 10 months. He said it first, after about 3 months.

There is a HUGE difference between that initial feeling(love v. infatuation), and the feeling of actually *loving* someone. I think people say it way too quickly, and then realize that it wasn't *love* that they were actually feeling.

Like you said, you thought you felt it, but then you saw who that person truly was. It takes time.
July 2, 2012 7:18 PM
6 months to a year or longer
July 2, 2012 7:47 PM
I'm curious too....
July 2, 2012 7:55 PM
2.7 days.
  18304786
July 2, 2012 7:55 PM
How long is a piece of string....
  18304786
July 2, 2012 7:57 PM
QUOTE:

How long is a piece of string....


It depends how short you cut it!
July 2, 2012 8:00 PM
Theres no rule, you can't make up a number and go.. "oh in another 3 weeks, he will be in love with you."
  18304786
July 2, 2012 8:02 PM
QUOTE:

Theres no rule, you can't make up a number and go.. "oh in another 3 weeks, he will be in love with you."


No, of course not. But you can say, as a general rule, that in 3 weeks a man isn't truly "in love" with you.
  15346377
July 2, 2012 8:06 PM
QUOTE:

QUOTE:

Theres no rule, you can't make up a number and go.. "oh in another 3 weeks, he will be in love with you."


No, of course not. But you can say, as a general rule, that in 3 weeks a man isn't truly "in love" with you.


I think the feelings can happen fairly quickly, its not until later you realise how deep or actual those feelings are. So its more emotinal realisation for me I think. I would say its happened to me within 3 months for sure.
  18304786
July 2, 2012 8:06 PM
Do you think in general women fall faster than men? I've always delt with the extreme opposite ends of the scale. One dude tells me he loves me in a week (EEEEK) and another never says it for several months. Weird.
July 2, 2012 8:10 PM
QUOTE:

Do you think in general women fall faster than men? I've always delt with the extreme opposite ends of the scale. One dude tells me he loves me in a week (EEEEK) and another never says it for several months. Weird.


I wouldnt say that entirely, they might be more in touch with their emotions so I guess in that sense that could be true for sure. One week is ridiculous. There is no "right" time to say it, in terms of time spent, but when the relationship is at a certain point, some people move faster and slower than others.
  18304786
July 2, 2012 8:10 PM
QUOTE:

Well for most men, I imagine it's a lot sooner than they're willing to admit to the lady or to themselves


This is what I think.

It really depends... However, guys might not say it right away doesn't mean they don't feel that way either.
July 2, 2012 8:13 PM
Love can happen anytime. I know men who asked their wives to marry them after just a few dates and stayed happily married until death parted them.
Edited by porcelain_doll On July 2, 2012 8:14 PM
July 2, 2012 8:18 PM
Love is not some figurative spiritual mountain that must be scaled to be attained. It is a state of mind accompanied by elevated levels of serotonin and dopamine. Just because someone is an idiot and falls in love after 5 minutes does not mean that said idiot isn't experiencing the same valid feelings as those old farts holding hands at the bus station.

Edit: That being said - VERY QUICKLY. I can tell within the first couple of times hanging out if that potential is there, at least - then it sort of warms up to that. I have that type of personality that likes shiny things and is quickly distracted, though.

Hasn't happened in a long time.
Edited by jesusHchris On July 2, 2012 8:23 PM
July 2, 2012 8:22 PM
In my experience it varies, but I have noticed that the faster they fall in, the faster they fall out.
July 2, 2012 9:00 PM
QUOTE:

Do you think in general women fall faster than men? I've always delt with the extreme opposite ends of the scale. One dude tells me he loves me in a week (EEEEK) and another never says it for several months. Weird.


I don't think there is an "in general"...

I have had several men tell me they "love" me after three dates. Three dates= three or more weeks of also talking on the phone on every night. But, yeah... And they want to start making plans for the future which usually completely and totally freaks me out.

I have a friend, though, who only seems to attract men who are committment phobic and wait forever to say the "L" word.
July 2, 2012 9:23 PM
Geez, I guess I thought they all fall in love instantly when they see a beautiful woman... Oh wait, that's lust and so easy to confuse! I agree with the statements above that men fall in love faster than they'll admit yet still slower than most women. I'll let you know though if I can ever get one to do it!
July 2, 2012 9:37 PM
QUOTE:

Love is not some figurative spiritual mountain that must be scaled to be attained. It is a state of mind accompanied by elevated levels of serotonin and dopamine. Just because someone is an idiot and falls in love after 5 minutes does not mean that said idiot isn't experiencing the same valid feelings as those old farts holding hands at the bus station.

Edit: That being said - VERY QUICKLY. I can tell within the first couple of times hanging out if that potential is there, at least - then it sort of warms up to that. I have that type of personality that likes shiny things and is quickly distracted, though.

Hasn't happened in a long time.


excellent
July 3, 2012 1:55 AM
QUOTE:

Love is not some figurative spiritual mountain that must be scaled to be attained. It is a state of mind accompanied by elevated levels of serotonin and dopamine. Just because someone is an idiot and falls in love after 5 minutes does not mean that said idiot isn't experiencing the same valid feelings as those old farts holding hands at the bus station.

Edit: That being said - VERY QUICKLY. I can tell within the first couple of times hanging out if that potential is there, at least - then it sort of warms up to that. I have that type of personality that likes shiny things and is quickly distracted, though.

Hasn't happened in a long time.


this^^^
July 3, 2012 2:31 AM
Before this can be answered we will need an exact definition of what "love" is as it applies equally to men and women.

Good luck with that. drinker tongue
July 3, 2012 2:55 AM
QUOTE:
I've heard that it takes a man at least 6 months to use the L word and actually mean it. I've also heard you really, really, have to wait for him to say it first (and NOT during sex or a high-emotional time like death of a parent) because he could say it in the heat of the moment and then regret it. I've personally felt love feelings for someone in 2 or 3 months, but I have also discovered that it's only around the 3-4 month point that I start to see the "real him" so I try not to trust those feelings.

That's more or less what I would agree with... My rule of thumb is similar.

Although as a man I can feel what I think is love before the 3 months mark, I would normally wait for 3 months-ish before saying anything. At this stage and by dating fairly regularly (2-3 times a week) you know enough about your compatibility, and the masks have normally fallen (you're not trying to appear as a perfect person, the other person has seen your flaws).

But then there are still so many big unknowns about this "love": do we miss each other when one of the partners is away? Can we live together 24/7? Am I ready to see him/her get older? Will we split because of hard times or support each other? Will we get bored of each other?
My truth is: you can only know someone was the Love of your life on your last day of existence. So I always make the most of each relationship.

This also implies that they are different stages of love. People are talking about the infatuation and lust as if we were supposed to "fight" them, but I think we should embrace them as they are probably just the initial stages of love.
So at the end of the day, when can one say "I love you"? When they feel ready, when they know that there is more than just lust indeed. For me by the 3 months mark, I've got a pretty good idea already.

One last thought, it's pretty funny in a way how scared we are to say it, as if it was a permanent thing. Or how doubtful we are when someone says it to us what seems too early.
I think all someone who says "I love you" means is "I love you now, although I can't promise you this is going to be the case forever... But let's make the best of it while it lasts and if it lasts forever then so be it!".

So the reply to that question:
QUOTE:

She is wondering how long it normally takes for men to fall in love.

For a man to love you as much as he possibly can after X months, it takes X months.
If he doesn't care about you or doesn't love you then why wait anyway?

PS1: One week is pushing, but I guess all this means is "I love you as much as someone can love you after one week" (which most normal people would call "like" I would imagine).
PS2: This is coming from someone who doesn't believe in love at first sight. To me it takes some time to love someone truly.
PS3: "and NOT during sex or a high-emotional time like death of a parent" or not after a break up, or not before a parachute jump, etc. Yeah, you want the person to be fairly "stable" emotionally when they say it to you.
Edited by flimflamfloz On July 3, 2012 2:57 AM
July 3, 2012 5:50 AM
QUOTE:

I think it could vary. I've said it to one guy, and I didn't even say it to him until we'd been together for about 10 months. He said it first, after about 3 months.

There is a HUGE difference between that initial feeling(love v. infatuation), and the feeling of actually *loving* someone. I think people say it way too quickly, and then realize that it wasn't *love* that they were actually feeling.

Like you said, you thought you felt it, but then you saw who that person truly was. It takes time.

My thoughts almost exactly. It's always fun at first, you get to know somebody and you like each other and you begin to have feelings that feel like love. But for me, it takes about three months for the honeymoon/infatuation phase to wear off. You start to get to know them better, you run out of things to talk about, start peeing with the door open, start fighting more, and **** starts to get real. After this point if you still want to do anything for this person despite of all their flaws and disagreements there's a good chance it's love.
July 3, 2012 6:01 AM
QUOTE:

start peeing with the door open,


laugh laugh Yes, WHY do men (and some women) do this?? bigsmile
July 3, 2012 8:50 AM
QUOTE:

QUOTE:

start peeing with the door open,


laugh laugh Yes, WHY do men (and some women) do this?? bigsmile


Because deep down we men believe everyone wants to see our junk!! I dont know why women do it, thats just gross!

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