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TOPIC: Online dating to "just friends"

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June 30, 2012 8:36 PM
I've never felt chemistry on a date that came from a dating site. However, I have met some really cool chicks. Obviously we have similar interests and interesting conversations, which is what got us away from the keyboards and in to the real world in the first place.

I'm not always sure of a tactful way to try to pursue a friendship, though. If I invite them out a second time, doesn't that say that I'm expressing more interest? Of course they all fall madly in love with me right off the bat, and I don't want to hurt any feelings. ;)

Anyone else been in this boat? Should I just assume that I have to bang them if we hang out and the lights go out? I'd really like to make new friends... without all the banging.
June 30, 2012 8:41 PM
That's tough. For me when I tried online dating it was to date, not look for friends. I would have gotten my feelings hurt if you only wanted to be buddies. But that's me. And I like all the banging.
June 30, 2012 8:47 PM
I actually state pretty clearly in my profile that I am open to making "just friends".

It used to say that I was looking to only make friends to start with, but that if something develops that might be great. Maybe I need to go back to saying that seeing as the romantic part has never happened.
June 30, 2012 8:47 PM
That's tough. I feel like it's something that has to just happen organically. You go out a few times... Then realize the only chemistry you have is in a "friendly" way. It's happened for me a couple of times. One of my best friends was once a first date.

You don't HAVE to bang anyone... And they have websites for making friends specifically. I don't really think there is a tactful way to tell a girl that you're talking to on an online DATING site that you just want to be her friend. Chances are, it wouldn't be well received... It could come off as.... "I'm on this online DATING site, but you're not dating material. So, let's be friends."

Unless you have it stated on your actual profile that you're just looking for friends. But this could be taken the wrong way, too. Or we'd just think you're trying to find people to have sex with.

I don't know. It's hard to make friends.
June 30, 2012 8:49 PM
It's fine to be "just friends" if you are up front about it from the get go. But, you know, since they all fall madly in love with you, you may have a problem. You may just be too awesome for your own good. LOL I say BE HONEST. From the start. But if you go out with them and ask them out again and you don't tell them that you're really just looking for a friendship vs. a relationship, then you are wrong, because you are leading them on. If you tell them you'd just like to be friends and see if they're okay with that, that's their choice.

And NO, you do not have to bang them all.

I would prefer to date someone who didn't bang them all.

Because when I do get in a relationship, I want that to be special and sacred not something that my partner has done with every girl he's dated casually.
June 30, 2012 8:50 PM
QUOTE:

It could come off as.... "I'm on this online DATING site, but you're not dating material. So, let's be friends."


That's exactly what I fear. I have two girls in mind in particular that are pretty awesome and I would love to hang out with again but I don't feel any spark for. I guess that spark could happen but in my experience that usually comes out right away.

EDIT: When I first hung out with them, it was definitely for dating. Just wasn't interested like that.
Edited by jesusHchris On June 30, 2012 8:51 PM
June 30, 2012 8:54 PM
It could be hurtful to them if they felt a "spark" with you. Again, I think it's something that has to happen organically. You can't really force it.
June 30, 2012 8:54 PM
Ha, re-reading this it sounds like there is probably something wrong with me. Maybe it's time to go back to no-dating for a while...
June 30, 2012 8:55 PM
QUOTE:

QUOTE:

It could come off as.... "I'm on this online DATING site, but you're not dating material. So, let's be friends."


That's exactly what I fear. I have two girls in mind in particular that are pretty awesome and I would love to hang out with again but I don't feel any spark for. I guess that spark could happen but in my experience that usually comes out right away.

EDIT: When I first hung out with them, it was definitely for dating. Just wasn't interested like that.


Maybe you could say something along the lines of, "I had a lot of fun with you, but I see us more as friends than something else. Would you be up to hanging out as friends sometime?"
  7587537
June 30, 2012 9:04 PM
i don't think there is anything wrong with you!
what you could try is inviting them to things that are less date-y. like the batting cages vs. dinner, or somewhere you like to go for say a hobby vs. a place you could hold hands and talk sweetly to one another.

don't invite them over, and don't go to their place. don't hold hands, don't talk sweetly to her, don't do the whole "touching" thing.

i made a male friend off of OKC. we always had a great time together and it was strictly platonic. the most physically interaction there was, was a hug.

basically, he behaved like the guy that " just isn't into you." he didn't take me out, he didn't try to kiss me or sleep with me, he didn't call or text every day. he was a friend. he treated me the same way he would have treated a male friend. because, we were "just friends."

i for one, would be grateful to meet you and hang out as friends. i don't want to do the lovey dovey relationship stuff right now. i just want a couple hot guys to hang out with :-)
June 30, 2012 9:08 PM
QUOTE:

what you could try is inviting them to things that are less date-y. like the batting cages vs. dinner, or somewhere you like to go for say a hobby vs. a place you could hold hands and talk sweetly to one another.


I was thinking that, good to hear it from a girl. Both of the chicks I mentioned are into a lot of the things I like to do that my current friends are too hung over all the time to do - maybe I will try that.
June 30, 2012 9:14 PM
wait so there is banging on dating sites? maybe i need to get my profile online again
June 30, 2012 9:16 PM
from my perspective all there IS is banging on dating sites................
June 30, 2012 9:18 PM
QUOTE:

QUOTE:

what you could try is inviting them to things that are less date-y. like the batting cages vs. dinner, or somewhere you like to go for say a hobby vs. a place you could hold hands and talk sweetly to one another.


I was thinking that, good to hear it from a girl. Both of the chicks I mentioned are into a lot of the things I like to do that my current friends are too hung over all the time to do - maybe I will try that.



do it!!! worst things that happens is that you don't end up friends with me in the long run.

you can always sit back and see if they contact you.... and then make plans around stuff you want to do that is NOT relationship building......
June 30, 2012 9:28 PM
QUOTE:

It's fine to be "just friends" if you are up front about it from the get go. But, you know, since they all fall madly in love with you, you may have a problem. You may just be too awesome for your own good. LOL I say BE HONEST. From the start. But if you go out with them and ask them out again and you don't tell them that you're really just looking for a friendship vs. a relationship, then you are wrong, because you are leading them on. If you tell them you'd just like to be friends and see if they're okay with that, that's their choice.

And NO, you do not have to bang them all.

I would prefer to date someone who didn't bang them all.

Because when I do get in a relationship, I want that to be special and sacred not something that my partner has done with every girl he's dated casually.


^^^This and that's why you are my friend...:)
June 30, 2012 9:32 PM
QUOTE:

wait so there is banging on dating sites? maybe i need to get my profile online again


^^^^That's what I was thinking... .The only action I got off the dating sites was clients coming into my office to ask about my profile. Did I mention I work with the seriously mentally ill? No more dating sites for this chick.
June 30, 2012 9:51 PM
QUOTE:

QUOTE:

what you could try is inviting them to things that are less date-y. like the batting cages vs. dinner, or somewhere you like to go for say a hobby vs. a place you could hold hands and talk sweetly to one another.


I was thinking that, good to hear it from a girl. Both of the chicks I mentioned are into a lot of the things I like to do that my current friends are too hung over all the time to do - maybe I will try that.


I would still make your intentions clear though. A girl might think that you're low key or not so touchy-feely.

Girls and women read into everything, and unless you say you want to be friends, she is going to think you're into her, and this is how you show it.
  7587537
June 30, 2012 9:56 PM
QUOTE:


I would still make your intentions clear though. A girl might think that you're low key or not so touchy-feely.

Girls and women read into everything, and unless you say you want to be friends, she is going to think you're into her, and this is how you show it.


Good point. I think maybe I won't play this game at all (or wait to see if the friendship happens organically), I can see how I would feel in the opposite situation.
Edited by jesusHchris On June 30, 2012 9:59 PM
June 30, 2012 9:57 PM
QUOTE:

QUOTE:

wait so there is banging on dating sites? maybe i need to get my profile online again


^^^^That's what I was thinking... .The only action I got off the dating sites was clients coming into my office to ask about my profile. Did I mention I work with the seriously mentally ill? No more dating sites for this chick.


i have been avoiding them as well
June 30, 2012 9:59 PM
QUOTE:

QUOTE:

wait so there is banging on dating sites? maybe i need to get my profile online again


^^^^That's what I was thinking... .The only action I got off the dating sites was clients coming into my office to ask about my profile. Did I mention I work with the seriously mentally ill? No more dating sites for this chick.


i have been avoiding them as well
June 30, 2012 10:04 PM
Maybe get involved with some activity groups on Meetup or something?
  12797619
June 30, 2012 10:23 PM
Just realized this is on the bottom of my profile:

"I'm just as down to make friends as I am to "date". Actually, hanging out with just that initial expectation is preferable - it's hard to judge chemistry through a keyboard."

And I actually would like to find a girl to be more than friends with on there, it just hasn't happened.
June 30, 2012 11:50 PM
QUOTE:

QUOTE:

wait so there is banging on dating sites? maybe i need to get my profile online again


^^^^That's what I was thinking... .The only action I got off the dating sites was clients coming into my office to ask about my profile. Did I mention I work with the seriously mentally ill? No more dating sites for this chick.


Well, that's the last straw. No more dating sites for me, either.

It's back to trying to pick up flight attendants, I guess...

--P
July 1, 2012 12:22 AM
I wish some of the guys I've met online would be ok with being "just friends" but they seem to be either into you romantically or continuing to search for the next romantic interest (in which case they don't seem interested in hanging out with another female).

I have had guy friends in the past that I met online, but I found that over time they start sending mixed signals that make you think they're romantically interested (even if you're not getting physical, I'd recommend not doing OTHER things that women would interpret as you've decided you want an eventual relationship).
  15346377
July 1, 2012 1:34 AM
I don't think I have the right personality to manage first encounters from an on-line dating sight, anyway. The issue is communication before actually seeing the person. I realize there are pics at these dating sights, but I've been universally disappointed when meeting the actual person face to face for the first time. Even when the pics are close, there is something about a "spark" upon meeting someone that doesn't translate very well on-line. Especially after having emailed that person over days/weeks. Something just doesn't sit well with me. Am I alone in this?

Add to that the additional pressure of determining if there is truly a romantic connection or not. And this usually happens immediately. In a live setting (wow, so strange to write that), you meet people all the time, without much pressure. A flight attendant (yes, I meet them often), a hotel manager, a marketing exec, a financial consultant, etc. If there is a spark, then you can talk a bit and see if it's mutual, without so much pressure. It's just friendly banter, innocent flirting.

But at your first official meet up after an on-line connection, there is this immediate expectation of "yes or no". I just don't handle those situations well. In any case, I just deleted my OKC account. I'll have to experience on-line dating vicariously, through the rest of you. :-)

While I'm on the topic, there are obviously downsides to trying to meet someone without resorting to on-line dating: limited pool of candidates, seemingly more random, etc. I have the additional issue of traveling a lot on business, and most of the ladies I meet are working in the service industry (heh - bad joke in there somewhere). By that I mean flight attendants (I'm on a plane every other week on average), hotel staff, waitresses, etc.

The one thing I miss about doing business in the US (probably the only thing) is that you have a lot more women in senior management positions (not enough, granted). I spend most of my time in the Middle East and Central/Eastern Europe. And while it's improving, you don't often find as many women here in *senior* positions as in the US. So I'm almost always meeting with men, having business dinners with men, etc. The past couple of years I've been traveling often to the Gulf (Saudi Arabia, UAE, Qatar, etc.), so you can imagine how few women I see during business meetings... :-)

The women I meet in the service industry (hotel staff, flight attendants) are paid to be friendly to me. It's their job! And because I often fly on the same airline and stay in the same hotels, I have very high status there, which ensures even better service. It makes it very hard to determine if someone is interested/flirting with me, or if she is just doing her job: being extra nice to the "diamond card" (or whatever) customer.

Last week I was in Dubai, checking out of the hotel I always use there. The entire staff knows me, I high-five the pool boys, I know the first names of most of the concierge staff, I kiss the attractive, Bulgarian restaurant manager on her cheek (Euro style) every time I see her, etc., etc. It's like a second home for me. Hell, even the Italian husband and wife team that provide entertainment in the popular terrace bar wave when I come in, and I've spent long nights with them drinking between their sets.

So anyhoo, I'm checking out and there is someone new at reception. Incredibly attractive, French, probably mid to late 20's. "Oh, so you're Mr. XXXXX, I've heard so much about you," smile, smile, etc., etc. OK, standard stuff, it's her job, but it seems extra flirty now (because she's French? because she likes me?). As she's checking me out (just literally, not figuratively, I think), we talk a bit. I mention I'm flying back to Prague. I learn she's been there and loves it, magical city, etc., she's thinking she will apply to transfer there once her training ends in Dubai in some months, etc. She asks when I'll be back, more smiles, more eye contact, etc. Again, it's just her job, but it's impossible to know. In any other setting, I would have asked her out immediately.

So at least in on-line dating, you're both at that first "live" encounter for a reason, and that reason is quite clear: are we attracted to each other? Do we want to continue? Live dating is so much more translucent. But yet, that's also what makes it so much more interesting...

--P

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