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TOPIC: Who initiates in your house??

 
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May 20, 2012 8:28 AM
QUOTE:

Ok--I have been married for 16 years and my husband threatened to leave me the other day because he is tired of always being the one to intiate sex. I rarely say no when he intiates--but I only am the aggressor maybe once ever couple of months.He said that he doesn't feel wanted.

I'm really trying to work on it but I can go quite awhile before I even think about it. I love my husband very much but we have alot of stress and it tends the be less on my priority list then his. But like I said--I don't hardly ever tell him no and we are together probably 4 or 5 times a week. What is the norm in your relationship?


Sounds like my life....except for 4,5 times a week....if I dont initiate its once a month and now my pride stops me from initiating....u better step up woman...I can tell u as a guy it tears ur guts out
May 20, 2012 8:34 AM
In my house, it's me. And i get turned down 9 times out of 10. and yes, it sucks. bad. i once decided maybe he turns me down all the time cause he wants the "chase" part of it. so, i stopped asking. thought i'd let him come to me when he wanted it, make him feel like he did it. yeah, 3 months later i broke down CRYING and absolutely begging for him to do me. it was not my finest hour. we've been together 9 years, and i'm not sure how much longer i can go like this. it is a legit reason to leave if you don't feel loved/wanted/sexy, etc...
May 20, 2012 8:39 AM
QUOTE:

In my house, it's me. And i get turned down 9 times out of 10. and yes, it sucks. bad. i once decided maybe he turns me down all the time cause he wants the "chase" part of it. so, i stopped asking. thought i'd let him come to me when he wanted it, make him feel like he did it. yeah, 3 months later i broke down CRYING and absolutely begging for him to do me. it was not my finest hour. we've been together 9 years, and i'm not sure how much longer i can go like this. it is a legit reason to leave if you don't feel loved/wanted/sexy, etc...


Is he blind??
May 20, 2012 8:46 AM
Raises hand in utter confusion... what is this sex thing you are talking about?
  13364916
May 20, 2012 10:14 AM
im lucky for once a week with our work schedules cry
May 20, 2012 10:55 AM
Sometimes my hand even turns me down. It's not a good situation.
May 20, 2012 11:20 AM
QUOTE:

I used to initiate most of the time but I got tired of being rejected.
Now I let him initiate.
I don't get it as much as I would like (even though he says he thinks we have way more sex than the average couple).
If it were up to me I'd want to do it every night! :P

The rejection does hurt, it feels horrible to get turned down.
So it's not the fact that I'm the one having to ask...it's the rejection.

For you two, however...
Maybe the problem is not so much him being the initiator but perhaps there's a lack of enthusiasm on your part?
Maybe he feels like you just don't enjoy it anymore?
I can see how that might be hurtful for him.

What if you tried initiating?
Try it and see how it makes you feel... I would be willing to bet that it will make you feel sexy and powerful.
Catch him by surprise and I think it will do wonders for both of you.


Exactly! This is the same as my situation, and the same advice I would give. Frequency is not your problem, obviously, 4-5 times a week is amazing for a 16 year relationship! But as the more frequent initiator, I know that just your partners consent every time can't satisfy a persons need to FEEL sexy and desired, that's completely different... and who wants to feel like their partner is just going through the motions? In that case he might as well be one of the "my hand" guys. But it does sound like he is obsessing over it it a bit much. Maybe if he'd relax and wait for you to initiate (and you better do it!) you could both get what you need. And while your at it, flirt with him sometimes, tell him he's hot even when you're not in bed (or going to be)...I'm guessing that would make almost as much difference...it would for me, anyhow! Good luck!
  20433783
May 20, 2012 11:52 AM
QUOTE:

Normally my husband usually. I'll try to send signals, but when it really comes down to it, he does more than I do. I think mostly because I'm not really sure HOW. Sounds sad, doesn't it? But he's the only one I've been with and didn't really have a whole lot of experience in that area when we got together (12 yrs ago). Trying to get better at it though...


Not sure how? Men are SooOOOoooo easy... Walk over to hubby, grab his ass and say: "I want you... upstairs... now!" - and then try to keep up and he's running up the stairs!
May 20, 2012 6:21 PM
QUOTE:

I feel so lonely and depressed with my marriage. We pretty much have no sex life, never had much of one unless I was the one who initiated it. The only time he ever initiated was right after we had a talk about it. I kind of feel like I am wasting my time with him. I want someone who will be attracted to me sexually and show interest in me. If he's not going to give me that, what's the point in being there with him, especially when I could be working on my career and finding someone who can give me what I want and need.

It makes me feel like crap about myself. I feel like he isn't attracted to me and that's probably why I wanted to lose weight to begin with (I was of normal weight before I lost more). I don't really know how to fix this or if it can be fixed. We talk about it all the time and nothing really changes.

I love him, don't get me wrong, but this has taken such a toll on my self-esteem :(


PRINT THIS OUT AND SHOW IT TO HIM. Have you ever really spelled it out to him in this way? Boys are dumb sometimes you know... all the signals and hints in the world won't get through to someone that just needs it simply stated. Having said all that, there are a million other reasons why you guys probably got married other than sex right? So... that might not be the deal breaker you think it is if you can work on that part of your life together.
  19364215
May 20, 2012 8:20 PM
Married for almost 5 years and when he's in the mood he rubs my back when we are laying watching tv together and calling me his hot wife...hahaha!!!! :P He is the one that initiates it. One time I initiated when he was half sleeping and had a couple of hours before he had to get up for work and he was all for it ;) 4x a week sounds right for us.

I am sorry your husband is overly sensitive and threatens to leave you over sex when he was getting it 4x a week. He needs to be thankful and appreciate when he gets it.
  832993
May 20, 2012 8:42 PM
QUOTE:

Married for almost 5 years and when he's in the mood he rubs my back when we are laying watching tv together and calling me his hot wife...hahaha!!!! :P He is the one that initiates it. One time I initiated when he was half sleeping and had a couple of hours before he had to get up for work and he was all for it ;) 4x a week sounds right for us.

I am sorry your husband is overly sensitive and threatens to leave you over sex when he was getting it 4x a week. He needs to be thankful and appreciate when he gets it.


With all due respect, unless you're in his position, it's unfair to claim he's being "overly sensitive". As many people here have attested to, even if you're not getting turned down, being the one to always initiate can take an emotional toll on a marriage.
  20963148
May 20, 2012 9:06 PM
QUOTE:

QUOTE:

Married for almost 5 years and when he's in the mood he rubs my back when we are laying watching tv together and calling me his hot wife...hahaha!!!! :P He is the one that initiates it. One time I initiated when he was half sleeping and had a couple of hours before he had to get up for work and he was all for it ;) 4x a week sounds right for us.

I am sorry your husband is overly sensitive and threatens to leave you over sex when he was getting it 4x a week. He needs to be thankful and appreciate when he gets it.


With all due respect, unless you're in his position, it's unfair to claim he's being "overly sensitive". As many people here have attested to, even if you're not getting turned down, being the one to always initiate can take an emotional toll on a marriage.



I felt the same--that he needed to appreciate what he did have or that he was being dramatic but after reading everyones experiences and REALLY talking to him alot about this over the last couple of days--I have changed my view and understand where he is coming from. I am really really trying to keep in mind his needs not just my own. He said that having sex less often would be preferable to him over being the intiator 100% of the time. I was surprised to hear that. But after 16 years I guess I still have some things to learn. lol
May 20, 2012 9:07 PM
We both do...I am very fond of it so...yeahhhh lol
May 20, 2012 9:21 PM
QUOTE:

QUOTE:

QUOTE:

Married for almost 5 years and when he's in the mood he rubs my back when we are laying watching tv together and calling me his hot wife...hahaha!!!! :P He is the one that initiates it. One time I initiated when he was half sleeping and had a couple of hours before he had to get up for work and he was all for it ;) 4x a week sounds right for us.

I am sorry your husband is overly sensitive and threatens to leave you over sex when he was getting it 4x a week. He needs to be thankful and appreciate when he gets it.


With all due respect, unless you're in his position, it's unfair to claim he's being "overly sensitive". As many people here have attested to, even if you're not getting turned down, being the one to always initiate can take an emotional toll on a marriage.



I felt the same--that he needed to appreciate what he did have or that he was being dramatic but after reading everyones experiences and REALLY talking to him alot about this over the last couple of days--I have changed my view and understand where he is coming from. I am really really trying to keep in mind his needs not just my own. He said that having sex less often would be preferable to him over being the intiator 100% of the time. I was surprised to hear that. But after 16 years I guess I still have some things to learn. lol


I'm so glad you guys have been talking and that you're trying so hard to understand his POV! flowerforyou
  20963148
May 20, 2012 9:31 PM
My husband always wants to get it...but I have no desire for sex anymore. I could care less about it. I've been married for 17 years..and I love my husband too...but the stress is high in our house, due to the economy putting strain on our finances.
Sex is more like a chore for me lately. I know that sounds bad...but I have so much more to worry about than that. The last time we did...I could hardly wait for it to be over..so i could go to sleep. The stress is exhausting me. I feel like a bad wife...but sometimes..I just don't care!
Also...my husband used to complain that I never initiated...and the one time I did...he was too busy reading a motorcycle magazine. He pretty much got irritated that I was bothering him...so I NEVER tried again. Maybe that's why I'm not turned on anymore! Yes...I'm a horrible person.
  16256725
May 20, 2012 9:41 PM
Man I can't belive this thread is still alive..... Man this is a touchy subject... Its a good read though and some of you are very funny hahha....
May 20, 2012 10:26 PM
QUOTE:

Ok--I have been married for 16 years and my husband threatened to leave me the other day because he is tired of always being the one to intiate sex. I rarely say no when he intiates--but I only am the aggressor maybe once ever couple of months.He said that he doesn't feel wanted.




Blimey!! I haven't read any of the replies but this could have been written by me (I shall read everyone's comments later and learn). My hubby is also getting quite icky about it. He says if he doesn't make the first move, I never do laugh laugh

TBH with you, after 5 kids, I'll take sleep over sex anytime laugh
May 21, 2012 7:20 AM
I would say now it's equal BUT there was a time when I got pregnant with my first child. We went from having sex all the time to hardly at all....I have bad pregnancies so I'm sick all 9 months. He was very patient and understood. But once our daughter was born it still stayed to where he had to beg because I was so tired or stressed with the new baby. Then we got pregnant 2 years later with my second one and once again had a horrible pregnancy. Then after she was born it went back to hardly ever because I was even more tired. So I felt bad because he kept saying that he felt I didn't care about him OR that I went to wanting it all the time to never wanting it so he thought maybe I had someone here at work. I knew I had to try harder so I tried. NOW since I have lost my weight it's back to all the time and it's equal. Theres nights where I can't help it and same with him. BUT like I said I went through a dry spell there between our two kids. I think since my energy level has went up that I'm more willing. Plus it crushed me that he felt that I didn't care :-( I think going through dry spells is very normal but it will come back and then watch out LOL.
May 21, 2012 7:30 AM
Sometimes men want to feel wanted (sexually.) While you may not be aggressive, every once in a while you could switch roles. Rubbing of the leg, pulling him onto you, kissing neck, just saying you're ready can ease some of that tension. GL
May 21, 2012 7:48 AM
QUOTE:

QUOTE:

me mostly but I make him ask lately , I tired of asking and him saying "not tonight, I need a shower, how about tomorrow?" ughh I don't plan it ..it happens or it doesn't we have been together 9 years


WHAT?! No shower sex?! sad



LOL he says "Showers are for cleaning up not being dirty!" But I will jump in with him to "Soap up his back" and he almost gets him every time!! LOL
May 21, 2012 8:41 AM
damn... 4-5 x a week still? that is great! we have 4 kids and *maybe* are able to find a place and some time together once or twice a week. we'd love it if it were more, but our lives are just too full/busy right now.

...this is reminding me that we seriously need some time away.
May 21, 2012 9:07 AM
QUOTE:
damn... 4-5 x a week still? that is great! we have 4 kids and *maybe* are able to find a place and some time together once or twice a week. we'd love it if it were more, but our lives are just too full/busy right now. ...this is reminding me that we seriously need some time away.


There always is time, just gotta take it!

The kids won't die if you take 20 minutes for yourselves. They bang on our locked door all the time. "Mom's taking a nap"
May 21, 2012 10:17 AM
QUOTE:

QUOTE:

QUOTE:

Married for almost 5 years and when he's in the mood he rubs my back when we are laying watching tv together and calling me his hot wife...hahaha!!!! :P He is the one that initiates it. One time I initiated when he was half sleeping and had a couple of hours before he had to get up for work and he was all for it ;) 4x a week sounds right for us.

I am sorry your husband is overly sensitive and threatens to leave you over sex when he was getting it 4x a week. He needs to be thankful and appreciate when he gets it.


With all due respect, unless you're in his position, it's unfair to claim he's being "overly sensitive". As many people here have attested to, even if you're not getting turned down, being the one to always initiate can take an emotional toll on a marriage.



I felt the same--that he needed to appreciate what he did have or that he was being dramatic but after reading everyones experiences and REALLY talking to him alot about this over the last couple of days--I have changed my view and understand where he is coming from. I am really really trying to keep in mind his needs not just my own. He said that having sex less often would be preferable to him over being the intiator 100% of the time. I was surprised to hear that. But after 16 years I guess I still have some things to learn. lol


I'm glad you've started to understand. As someone in your husbands position I'd completely agree. I'd take less sex if it meant more initiation from my wife.
May 25, 2012 6:44 AM
WoW
  3923567
May 25, 2012 6:47 AM
My man does. But he wants it like all the time. Me, I could be good with like 1 or 2 a week.
  13675645

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