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TOPIC: Does this constitute cheating to you?

 
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May 1, 2012 5:29 AM
I think that's your first huge red flag. Not only is he betraying your trust but he's also spending money on it? I think you need to be careful before stepping into marriage with him. It's not my place to tell you exactly what to do but if it were me, I'd walk out. I respect marriage as something that's sacred and I would prefer someone who is as committed I am physically and mentally.

How do you put things into perspective? Think if it happened to your girlfriends, what would you tell them to do?
It really helps to look from an outsider's perspective.
May 1, 2012 5:29 AM
QUOTE:

Trust me when I tell you .. this is only the tip of the iceburg. If he is this far into it already, there is alot more "porn" related things that you don't know about. It will only get bigger as time goes on.

I am speaking from experience. My exhusband was big into porn and as the years went by it got bigger. I thought maybe it was me, that it wasn't exciting enough for him .. blah blah blah .. but I have recently found out that his now girlfriend is discovering his porn addiction and left him for it. It is an addiction for some people. At first it was just magazines and then it was videos ... then it was watching it online, then it was streaming it online .. then it was what you have discovered .. then it turned into text messages with girls.

So .. its not you .. its not going to change. I don't believe HE ever thought it was cheating. I don't know if I would classify that porn part as cheating but when they start dealing with "live" people .. then I see it as cheating.



This ^^^^^^

I have no problems with porn, but it's a whole different ball of wax when you are dealing with a porn addiction. That is definitely what it sounds like to me. Normal men can enjoy porn but they will also jump at the chance for a real woman (i.e. YOU). If he's not that interested in sex with you, it sounds like he has a serious problem, something that has nothing to do with you.

My advice would be to put the wedding on hold. I don't, honestly, think this will resolve and if you have your wits about you I think you'll end up going in separate directions. But I know how difficult it is when you are engaged, to call it off. Believe me, it's better than living with misery and ultimately ending up divorcing.
Edited by frosty73 On May 1, 2012 5:30 AM
  15600807
May 1, 2012 5:30 AM
I don't necessarily categorized the paying for porn sites as cheating, but it certainly is a big waste of money. Coupled with the fact he has searched up other women/escorts nearby, and has been making efforts to hide his porn watching, however, says to me there's definitely an underlying issue that needs to be addressed. Personally, I wouldn't deal with it- big red flag IMHO.

Bottom line- you're not married to the guy yet, no one says you have to marry him, either. If you don't like what he's doing, then simply let him go. After you marry them, their ugly habits only become more annoying and intolerable... TRUST ME.
  20521270
May 1, 2012 5:33 AM
I`m realy laid back when it comes to things like this as my hubby and I watch (porn) together and I am all for him going to the dance clubs to watch its just not a big deal to me and I think that helps our relationship because I trust him completely looking isn`t touching IMO. (not to mention the fun I have when he gets home lol "blush")
With that said him looking in your local area (and his low sex drive tward you) for girls doing these things is kinda fishy to me I would be questioning that nothing wrong with alittle porn but when he starts searching for people local thats getting to be alittle more than just looking at kwim.
Edited by stephyy4632 On May 1, 2012 5:53 AM
  9253539
May 1, 2012 5:34 AM
You should be more worried about fact that this guy couldn't figure out where the free porn sites are. Doesn't sound like he's good with money.
  8501082
May 1, 2012 5:36 AM
BUSTED!-Ty
  16408098
May 1, 2012 5:37 AM
To answer your question, no it is not cheating to me.
  2016345
May 1, 2012 5:37 AM
That's a really tough spot you're in. This happened to my girlfriend 10 years ago as well. She discovered he was doing this on a daily basis. I believe it is an addiction that will not get better and maybe even get worse.

Onlly you can determine what's right for you and what you are willing to accept in your relationship. Good luck and keep the faith.
May 1, 2012 5:40 AM
QUOTE:

QUOTE:

Right, so I have a very!!! similar situation to yours. My boyfriend and I have been together for 6 years now and recently he has been visited escorts websites and watching porn online.

I have nothing against watching porn(I do it too) and it is harmless as long as it doesn't affect your sex life.

Visiting escorts sites is a different story altogether. You can actually meet up with one of these girls and have real sex.

Now, that I find cheating. Of course, he might not go that far, but still the thought was there. I made a huge deal about it and split up for a couple of days. I made him crawl back and have sex with me for as long as I wanted him to and now we're ok. If he ever refuses sex with me, I will always hold this against him :)
CALLME, i'll be your rebound-Ty


smooched Thanks Ty! payback time?!
May 1, 2012 5:40 AM
Wow.. I'm really sorry. My take on it, be glad you two are just engaged and not married already. I would see this as a huge warning to get out. This should be the fairy tale part of your relationship, because getting married doesn't make things better, things get even harder. The fact that he's paying someone to do something for him, even if it is over webcam is what bothers me the most. Especially when he's denying you gratification that he's getting elsewhere. I would end things immediatly, take the time to deal with this and if you two are able to work things back out.. start the relationship over from scratch. I would not continue what you have going on now.

Again, very sorry.. I can't image how hurtful it had to be to find this.
May 1, 2012 5:41 AM
Maybe try to find out what he likes about the webcam thing and see if there's anything you can do that would turn him on. Maybe he has some sort of fetish but he's too shy to talk to you about it. If not just let him know he can watch all the porn he wants as long as he doesn't spend any money on it and doesn't chat with live girls.
May 1, 2012 5:42 AM
I would dump him and let him focus his money and attention on getting you back. It sounds like he takes you for granted. If this turns out to be some kind of compulsion that he can't give up then I would break up for good. ( I would also continue to breach his privacy so I could make an informed decision about whether I wanted to spend the rest of my life with him and whether I wanted him to be the father of my children).
May 1, 2012 5:42 AM
Honey, I'd have a serious talk with him. If he can't commit to stop completely, then it's time to break it off. Whether you call it cheating or not isn't the real issue. A label isn't going to make or break it. The point is you're not even married yet and already he's decided that he needs something else. If he's not willing to wait until you're married, what will he do after you are married?

In addition, he's spending money to do this, which is worse b/c it's a waste of money. You already know he's looked for local women. There's no reason to do this unless he intended to meet up with them. You know this even if you don't want to admit it to yourself. I'm not trying to hurt you, but I think you already know this. Either he agrees to quit entirely or you need to realize that he's not going to be faithful and call it off.

hugs

QUOTE:

Sorry this isn't weight loss related but I am in a bit of a mess and don't really want to speak to my real life friends about this at the moment.

Last night I found out that my fiance (what a joke!!!!!!) has been visiting an adult site and paying women to do web cam 'stuff' for him.
I made him log on the site and I could see that he'd emailed a couple but I could see from his 'transactions' he had done a lot of web cam viewing (mostly all paid for).

He'd also searched on there for women in our area - most of these people are escorts too but he swears on his life he has 'only' done web camming (him watching them) and nothing more.

I don't have a huge problem with porn but somehow when you are paying someone to do stuff specifically for you it seems worse? (worse than watching a film or whatever) I also don't have a problem with strip clubs as I think they are mainly about a group of lads having a laugh but this has been happening in my own home, late at night and when I'm not there.

I've been on his Facebook and checked his messages and he isn't messaging real life women. He is very upset - but that's because he's been caught.

What would you do???
  14436961
May 1, 2012 5:44 AM
YES
May 1, 2012 5:44 AM
QUOTE:

Its a betrayal of trust, no matter how it gets dressed up.
Its also a step in the wrong direction and who knows where that road leads.
The positive is that its all come out early and maybe the problems that made him go this way can be sorted out.
Communication is key.
Its up to you if you can, will and want to forgive.
The best things in life are worth fighting for.


Exactly. It's not cheating because he's intereacting with webcam girls, it's cheating because he's doing it behind your back.
May 1, 2012 5:46 AM
If you have to ask then it probably is.
Next you have to dig deep and be honest with yourself. Is this something you are going to be able to "let go", or will it haunt you forever. If you think it may be in the back of your mind always, then it may be time part ways. If tt will be something that you are always going to be wondering or thinking about, you probably arent going to be happy.
At the same time you know him better than any of us, and we have only what you have said. If you believe your relatinoship can move past this, whether it is on your own or with the help of a pro, then dont give up. No relationship works without communication. You both need to talk about it. Try to keep an open mind, and remeber to listen, and think before you speak.
Just my opinion.
May 1, 2012 5:48 AM
Porn is not a big deal. My bf and I both watch it on occasion. But what you described is NOT just a quick visual fix to get off. Paying live women to do things on camera is crossing the line, in my opinion. Especially if he's searching locally. I'm sorry...hopefully you two can have an open conversation about this issue and work through it. If you can achieve that, I wouldn't call this issue a deal-breaker.


Good luckflowerforyou
May 1, 2012 5:49 AM
I personally wouldn't consider that cheating, but clearly it is to you because of your reaction to it. That's what matters.

I believe that we all have different boundaries in our relationships, and he needs to respect yours.
May 1, 2012 5:50 AM
I don't think it matters whether other people think it's cheating or not - I think what matters is that it upset you.

From your post - it sounds like it upsets you on two (maybe 3) levels - he's watching this as opposed to having sex with you, he's searching for local women which make the possibility that he will meet them seem real, and he's paying for it.

That last one may seem like no big deal - but it is. Fiscal issues are a huge deal when you're married and I believe those sites can be really pricey. The sex issue is also a huge deal, particularly since he is still feeling sexual - just not toward you.

Doesn't matter whether it's cheating or not. All that matters is that you work it out BEFORE you get married.
May 1, 2012 5:55 AM
QUOTE:

I'd be more upset with his poor fiscal decisions. That is a lot of money just to watch something over a crappy webcam.



my sentiments exactly is more like a sexual addiction if you are creeping around and paying for it being dishonest .. that's a lot of covering to do ..

** as far as cheating for me goes.. if he was just watching porn it wouldn't be a big deal , if he has to watch porn away from you or tries to cover it up its sketchy, if he is searching people in your area then I would guarantee that he was planning or seriously fantasizing peeping out these other broads. between the money the women and the questions of his possible fidelity I would give him the boot. to many levels of dishonesty for me.

What if the tables were reversed Guys .. would it be cheating to you if a girls spending money making some guys perform webcam tricks? what if shes looking for men in her area , Men are pretty territorial as far as I have seen and I am pretty sure that "girl" would get the boot.
May 1, 2012 5:56 AM
Its not cheating yet.I would have no issue with whats going on,but the searching for local women is a bit of a red flag. I would also be pissed if he was spending OUR money on webcame sh!t since he can get it for free from porn hub or you porn
Edited by DieVixen On May 1, 2012 5:56 AM
May 1, 2012 5:57 AM
I think you are missing the larger issue, If you ever trusted him, you don’t trust him anymore. The rest is fluff. You demonstrated that you don’t trust him by probing his other accounts looking for justification to call him a cheater and take your next actions.

Communication is great, Communication is indeed the key but if you don’t trust what he is saying . . . . . walk away now. You have to be 100% honest with yourself or you’ll drive yourself nuts every time he gets on the computer wondering if he is trolling for "local girls"
  8110942
May 1, 2012 5:57 AM
so if you stay with him considering ALL the issues going on in this relationship. Do you honestly think a ceremony is going to make it better???

Seriously, I'd be concerned about what he would be thinking he could get away with after he puts a ring on your finger if you stay through this.

you need to marry a man that wants you and only you.
May 1, 2012 5:57 AM
Real men don't view porn, they get laid. Period.
May 1, 2012 5:58 AM
Well at least he wasn't going to strip clubs.

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