its disrespectfull....i agree with what someone else sats - talk really calmly to him, you will get answers. you can tell him you dont want him doing it...if its something you wont ever forget then it may be a big downfall. im sorry for you. x

DUMP HIM - SCREW THAT GUY - BLAH BLAH BLAH

Yea, just cos you're engaged, throw that away cos he watches porn...

How about you act like a grown up and talk to him about it. Don't accuse - don't berate, don't shout. He has a side too. So often guys can't tell their side cos women (and I'm sorry that this is a crass generalisation, but the stereotype exists for a reason...) tend to get uptight and upset if a guy explains his problems. Instead of wanting to help with them a lot of women will take it as a personal insult and have a go at the guy about it. This means we never bother speaking to you about our thoughts and feelings because we know how you're going to react.

You're meant to be friends as well as lovers - so be his friend and speak to him. In fact you should hardly be speaking to be honest - I actually mean - initiate the conversation and let him speak...and please I can't say it enough - try not to take it personally - even if it seems personal...guys have feelings too.

This thread (and many others on MFP) serve to highlight how little women understand men. There are exceptions where I have seen many women on here posting lucid, considered, logical answers and I'm pretty sure they will know who they are, but unfortunately those women are in the minority...maybe you guys should start classes...?

this for sure counts as cheating your the only one he needs to see like this not strangers online thats just wrong u need to comfront him for sure so srry this is happening to you tc

Hearing how others besides the ones in your family, can give insight on how to solve the issue.

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For me its NOT cheating but closer to a betrayal of trust due to them being local. One step from parking his mini in someones garage...

If he's asking girls to do those things, hiding out to do it and searching for women in your area I doubt your sex drive is higher.

totally agree......

Call it what you like. . .if you expect him to "foresake all others" as your husband, he's clearly showing you that he's not interested in that.

I, personally, would think long and hard about marrying someone who would do something that was as disrespectful as that. Not that people are perfect, but if he knows this would hurt your feelings and did it anyway. . .THAT speaks volumes. You are #2 in his world. His wants, feelings and desires outweigh your concerns. Is that acceptable to you??

I hope there is a happy ending for you.

interesting story..would like to hear how this plays out..
my own opinion..if you stay with him,you'll know what to expect in the future..

I just spotted your profile pic and thought awesome pecs -- have I just betrayed my gf's trust?

I think the issue here is where individuals draw the line - your's seems to be a perfectly valid one based on likelihood and applying a bit of logic.

Unfortunately there seems to be a lot of people in the world who only see black and white -- or at least there black and white.

He's not supposed to be watching porno until AFTER he is married. I would dump him.

I'm so sorry for you. That is so hurtful...I couldn't even imagine how hurt you must be.
I think its disgusting tbh. Its unfair for him to do that to you. He has a beautiful woman (you) that can do to him what he pays for some skank to do. I think its shocking. And while you's are planning your wedding! What a joker. It does not count as porn. ITS NOT PRE MADE. He is asking some woman to do **** so he can get off over it. Why doesn't he ask you! YOU are his FIANCE! so people saying its only porn blah blah, well its not. its a complete betrayal of trust and I think its bang out of order.

Sometimes it can be embarrassing or degrading to yourself (this topic specifically) to ask family/friends what they think or to get an honest opinion. And theres also the chance it gets out and now the whole town knos her personal life....I kno when I want the brutal truth there's not many friends I could turn to that won't just agree with me or sugar coat the truth. She's just fine in this forum, after all it's an off topic forum!

It would bother me that he hadn't just told me upfront but that would be the only thing that would bother me. Porn is all well and good but some people like something a little more personally catered.

It doesn't really matter what any of us think or would count as cheating. Only you can really know if you feel betrayed by his act or not or whether it was within your accpetable boundaries.

It's cheating. There is a difference between watching porn on a video and paying woman to strip/talk dirty to you. People can try to justify it anyway they want but there is no excuse for being on adult sites and talking dirty and looking at other men/women doing sexual acts (unless you are single and trying to get your jollies)

Sometimes actions speak louder than words. He took things into his own hands (literally) and doesn't sound like he was much of a friend or lover. I wouldn't wait around for his excuses. If you want to gamble with the person you love, you must be prepared to lose them. There are some things that you can't talk your way out of. At any rate, it should be him trying to explain himself, not her coddling him for answers. She has already had to deal with enough of his "soft side." I think it is him that needs to grow up.

I thought I'd share my two cents... although keep in mind this is coming from a gay guy, so I tend to empathize more with women than I do with men. (Except in this case, apparently)

I don't see anything wrong with the webcam situation... to me, it's just another form of porn. Yes, it may be live and interactive people instead of pictures or videos, but it's still a woman selling her body that anyone can see if they are willing to pay. It's not like she and your fiancee have a close and intimate relationship.

While I don't see anything wrong with the webcam issue on the surface, I do agree that it presents a problem that he is enjoying that but not enjoying you. Although, this isn't something to get angry about, IMHO. It takes two to tango... so you both need to actively engage with each other to build and keep your intimacy. I'm not saying you did or didn't try, but I'm trying to say that you two need to be on the same level and agree that you both want the same things. Instead of being pissed that he was watching another woman on webcam, I think you should calmly try to discuss why he seeks that attention elsewhere when he doesn't seem interested in attention from you.

However, searching for local women is something different. I don't find that acceptable, but as another guy said, you won't get very far by shouting and accusing. Speak to him like an adult, not a 5 year old who just broke your vase. Yes, it was wrong, and it was a betrayal of trust... but if you truly love and care about him and want to make it work... remember that you'll catch more flies with honey than you will with vinegar.

I hope this didn't sound judgemental because I'm truly just trying to help... I think you may still be very caught up in the moment and it may behoove you to let your emotions subside a little before having these difficult conversations. I wish you the best and hope you guys work this out!

i don't think the op's issue is as much the porn as the documented emails to local escorts.

but anyhoo, why should it be her responsiblity to listen to him rattle off a bunch of excuses and justifications now? why shouldn't he be expected to be the adult - to initiate a conversation about his problem, come clean with her and suggest therapy on his own, not just because he got caught with his pants down?

"guys have feelings too."

are you kidding me? no sh!t. gah.

...think of it this way. What would you have done had he come to you before he started doing this and told you... "I am going to start paying women to do sexual stuff for me online."?

How would you have reacted to that... I think this is where your answer is because if you take away all that anger at the perceived betrayal this is what you're left with!

For the record, any man who actually would speak up and come to his woman and say "I'd like to start paying for online jollies" deserves a peep show a week for a year like a fruit basket or a sausage basket.. depending on what he's peeping at.

Sucks he didn't feel like he could do that! I feel for ya! *Stranger Online Hug*

THIS, in a nutshell. If my boyfriend was watching porn, it wouldn't be that big of a deal to me. But if he was on a live, payed webcam, that's a whole different story.

As someone upthread pointed out, we could sit around all day debating whether or not this is cheating. My view? It's not *technically* cheating, but it's a very slippery slope. The fact that he's looking for escorts in your area is very bad, but I don't know what advice to give you. I was in a similar situation many years ago. The now ex-boyfriend in question kept going to the same strip club over and over. It didn't bother me at first - until one of the strippers called him at home, and I answered. When he got the message, he was all "Oh, no no, no, we just want to hang out, that's all". I dumped him that evening, because regardless of whether or not he had actually cheated on me, it was heading in that direction. And the one thing that really gives me pause about your situation is that he's seeking out escorts in your area.

Just think this through very carefully, and we're here for you.

I've posted and read plenty of responses that remain neutral and don't go down the "Oh, girlfriend! He's so cheating on you! Dump the loser now!" rabbit hole. Maybe give the OP some credit to be able to read through the thread and sort out what is actually decent advice and what is just people jumping to conclusions/judgments? You can't stop those posts from happening, but not everyone is going to blindly follow every bit of "advice" they're given on the interwebs, ya know.

Therapy!! Wow some people scare me! You want to get everyone who does something you don't agree with, that isn't that out of the ordinary, down to the shrinks

I think this thread is becoming a fight between liberals who talk logical sense and the narrow minded that quite frankly I'm glad I don't have to deal with.

point #1: i never suggested therapy. the post i quoted suggested the couple "start classes", which sounds like therapy to me.

point #2: porn flicks are not that out of the ordinary. contacting local escorts, on the other hand is generally not what one would expect for a happily engaged fellow.

point #3: politics and porno don't mix, so why try? but since you brought it up, are you suggesting that most liberals would be fine with this situation, and that anyone who would expect their significant other to not stray is narrow minded? just curious.

Ok to refute your points logically 1 by 1...

Firstly, the OP referred to her SO looking up local people who were mostly local escorts. She even went on to suggest that he had not actually communicated with anyone. In addition to this; a lot of sites instantly come up trying to con you with the promise of local sex so it could be she is misreading the internet history.

Secondly - it is not her responsibility, you are quite correct. However, since they are engaged and she has taken the time to write this post, I think it is safe to assume she loves for this guy. She should WANT to help him. If she doesn't want to, then perhaps that answers a few questions right up front.

Thirdly, if you re-read my post, you will see that I say "So often guys can't tell their side cos women...tend to get uptight and upset if a guy explains his problems. Instead of wanting to help with them a lot of women will take it as a personal insult and have a go at the guy about it."